HOST: Welcome everyone, to an other edition of “Quarantining Today.”  I’m your host, [name redacted], and we’re checking in with some of our favorite DFO contributors to see how they’re coping with the societal changes that the novel coronavirus pandemic has brought into their lives.  With me today are Senor Weaselo, Sharkbait, theeWeeBabySeamus, and King Hippo. Don_T will join us later.

First question for each of you – where are you exactly, and how are things in your vicinity?

Senor Weaselo

I’m in eastern, eastern Queens. Bad news: it’s NYC so I’m in the country’s, no, the world’s eye of the storm. And as recently as Sunday the 15th I was playing Hasidic weddings in Borough Park, Brooklyn, which has become one of the major hotbeds of the coronavirus. Considering the lack of social distancing at still rather large funerals, I would advise them to remember Deuteronomy 6:16. Good news, I’m not in the worst of it. Elmhurst, Corona, and Jackson Heights are the real worst part according to by ZIP, but that’s northwestern Queens, by Citi Field and LaGuardia.

At printing time we’ll have been isolated for about four weeks, almost a month. Really there were varying degrees of isolation in the city. First were the colleges, SUNY and CUNY. I work as a TA and tutor at one of the CUNY schools, and I was actually at work when I found out about the first wave of policy: A week without classes to transfer to “distance learning,” and then hopefully onward without a delay for the rest of the semester. The music faculty was getting out of a meeting when I told them about the update from CUNY’s Twitter. (I was the tutor on call so I asked one of the other tutors, who also is an adjunct, to fill me in.) That was Wednesday the 11th. And the professor I TA for was away in Michigan playing concerts, so I was conducting the string ensemble that day. I told them the news at 7 PM, that it was our last day of classes and that we would figure out how we’d rehearse—as you’d guess with all the lag it’s really hard to have Skype or Zoom rehearsals. It was a somber mood in the rehearsal room.

The rest of the city shutdown followed in stages. I played three weddings that weekend in the Bronx and Brooklyn, slightly shortened and a couple of them moved up to evade the inevitable impending stoppages. I attended a family funeral on the 17th, and looking back that was probably the last day we could have done it. The day before gatherings were cut from half capacity to 50 people, then 10 or so and schools getting closed (originally until April 20th but let’s be real, rest of the year), and the current “don’t deal with people unless necessary” basis. And all other things are pretty closed, I think. I admittedly haven’t gone out much (more on that later). I live at home, and it’s normally Madre Weaselo who does the grocery shopping (I go occasionally, but normally only for a couple things if she’s working on dinner and missing those ingredients), and she’s been fine with it. Maybe meat’s a little tougher to come by, but she hasn’t needed to beat anyone off with a loaf of bread or anything like that. To my knowledge.

HOST: To your knowledge?

Senor: I mean, she’d tell us that one, that’s going full Frank Costanza, origin of Festivus. “What happened to the bread?” “The bread was destroyed.”

[NOT-ZOOM CHAT FLIES OPEN]

Cuntler

I am in Evergreen, Colorado, about 25 minutes west of downtown Denver in the foothills, pretty close to Morrison and Red Rocks.

HOST: That’s not remotely East Coast at all— (Cuntler continues, undaunted)

The weekend of St. Patrick’s Day was when everything went sideways here.  We had been doing the social distancing thing for about 5 days, and we went to the Abbey in downtown Denver to meet my brother-in-law and sister-in-law (wife’s brother), and it was the emptiest we had ever seen for a St. Patrick’s Day celebration.  We came back up here and went to a celebration at a local brewery (Revival Brews, it’s fine) with friends, and that was the last time we went out socially.  We were supposed to go to NYC on 3/17, but we cancelled and are still in the process of getting refunds and rescheduling.  Surprisingly, everyone we spoke with was really friendly and understanding about it (What the fuck, NY? Have you gone soft?).  Instead, we (probably stupidly) got a really cheap room at the Broadmoor in Colorado Springs for a few nights.  When we got there, it was very empty.  It is a super fancy hotel, kind of a Republican getaway in the Rockies, but it is nice. My wife’s very conservative parents took her there a lot as a kid.  Anyway, we hung out in fancy room, ordered takeout for two days, and walked around a gigantic hotel like it was The Shining.  Right before we left, the firm decided everyone should work from home indefinitely, so I set up shop at home.  The kids are stuck remote learning for the year, but at least we all have each other to hang out with.  They miss their friends, and the wife and I miss our friends (edited: we really have more than one friend!), eating out, etc.

theeWeeBabySeamus: I don’t know what’s worse.  Living in a populated area that is now deserted (ie NYC, etc)  or living in the sticks (central North Cackalacky) and not being able to get out when cabin fever hits.  I went to the post office a coupla days ago to mail Easter cards and literally almost just threw them at the door without slowing down.  But at least the booze stores are still open.  Although they do now have those huge plexiglass sheilds.  HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA ROB THEM WITH THOSE IN THE WAY?????

Cuntler: We haven’t done too much that is crazy, although I feel like we are both experimenting a lot with different drinks.  So far, we’ve done a gin night, a bourbon night, margarita night, a rye night, and lots of beer. I think I’ve gotten really drunk twice in the last month (once ruining slack by posting a bunch of songs on the pets thread with BC Dick and zymm), but it isn’t much fun at home with kids.

tWBS: Vodka and Gameshows.  Sad but true.

Cuntler: I usually am a big time outside person, but the trails and parks are crowded (stupid hippies) so I take my dog for a walk or run at 6;30 every morning, come home and work remotely, watch some show on one of 8 streaming platforms, and go to bed.  I couldn’t get into Tiger King, too white trash for my tastes, but Ozark is entertaining and my wife has made me watch all the Reese Witherspoon shows (The Morning Show, Little Fires Everywhere) and they are good too. Maybe I’ll watch Game of Thrones.  Anyway, that’s about it.  Oh, on the work front, we are a 50 person or so law firm, and all of the shareholders (including me) took a 1/3 paycut.  My wife works in healthcare and makes the same amount I do, so we will be fine. She actually just got a raise and bonus, so maybe when the firm goes under, she will be my sugar momma.  On that note, if this goes on for months, I could see my firm dying.  We do lots of environmental, natural resources, and land work.  The price of oil and gas is in the toilet, the EPA has suspended hearings, the courts are halfway shutdown, and no one is buying businesses or houses.  THANKS OBAMA.  Anyway, we are hanging in there. At least the Bears have two shitty quarterbacks now instead of one!

tWBS: Yeah, the courts here have more or less shut down as well.  Wooooooo….  Hopefully the statute of limitations will arrive before my court date for….  Wait, I’ve said too much.

Cuntler: My wife just told me we are going to adopt a puppy tomorrow (maybe) so that could be fun.

tWBS: My mother asked me today if I thought pigs could get the coronavirus.  How the hell should I know?  Just cook the pork chops well done and don’t go kissing any pigs and we’ll be fine.  Yes, I got the look.

Cuntler: Man, I am so happy I am not quarantined with my mother. By day 3, I’d be out licking the touch screen at the supermarket.

tWBS: LMFAO

I’ve been quaratined with my mother for five years now.  Why do you think I go to California and Florida and Baltimore whenever possible?

Sharkbait: Florida I assume because you are in need of discount meth?

tWBS: Well, at first it was spring training, then the former tWLS.  Then it was gonna be spring training again this year, but they killed that off.  Fortunately everything was refunded, which honestly surprised me. But if you know a good meth guy in Sarasota, I’m willing to listen.

Sharkbait

Checking in from Boston. Things around here are OK. For the most part, people here are adhering to the social distance idea. Ive noticed the amount of traffic has dropped off considerably around my neighborhood. The people that are outside walking around also tend to stay away from each other so that’s good. I think they all learned a lesson after St. Patricks Day weekend, when people were packed into bars and waiting in line outside of them. The city issued the order to close all sit down dining the following monday, and people realized how fucking stupid that was.  Personally, I’m doing about as well as I can. Fortunately my company is able to have the entire workforce be remote, so I’ve been working from home since March 13th. That’s been an adjustment for sure, but I feel very fortunate that I’m in a position that allows me to do that. Mrs. Sharkbait has a verbal offer on a new job…contingent on the company being able to re-open. So we are looking forward to that once all this passes.

Other than that, we’re trying to stay inside and sane. The hardest part about that is having to avoid family. With an infant here, everyone wants to come see her, but we can’t take the risk of exposing our family in case we became carriers somehow. Mrs. Sharkbait and I each have a parent with not so stellar health histories, so we decided to basically avoid contact with our families, and do a lot of google hangouts (no Zoom. Seriously, don’t use it). This weekend, I plan on baking some bread since we’re running out and all of the stores are empty. Luckily I enjoy making bread, so instead of just doing it for fun, I’ll be doing it because we need it, which is a little surreal now that I think about it.

I’ve also started a quarantunes playlist that friends and family are contributing to, because we’re in need of some gallows humor.

Cuntler: I’ve heard zoom is fine if you have a password-protected meeting. Is that not the case?

Sharkbait: Zoom had to patch 3 major vulnerabilities last week alone. I think they’re also being sued for their security practices (or lack thereof) and multiple businesses and schools have restricted its use.

[CHAT FLIES OPEN AGAIN]

Game Time Decision: My work just went with zoom. Fuck. The head of IT sent this big email about how great it was and all the stuff it can do but just showed what a POS it is. And my favourite part is that it tracks how long you have the meeting window active in the meeting. I’m an IT guy, the meeting window is only active for me to sign in. Fawking piece of shit.

HOST: Canada already went.

Sharkbait: I push a security newsletter to my company and had the middle column all about zoom and how bad it is.

Cuntler: Good to know, although we are still using firm meetings.

[CHAT FLIES OPEN… AGAIN]

Ballsofsteelandfury: I can’t remember the last time I had a firm meeting with my lady friend…

HOST: Okay, this is—

Litre_Cola: Should have won some pools and you would have gently used fleshlights. No ‘Rona there right? Right????

Yeah Right: I found yeast at the store! We gon bake, bulee dat!

Sharkbait: Fuck yeah baking!

HOST: I knew I should have put a password to get into in this room. *sighs* …Moving on. Second question, though some of you have answered it: What activities are you engaged in to pass the time?

King Hippo: I play Football Manager.  ALL.  THE.  TIME.

Sharkbait: Playing “Chopped: The Home Game” most every night to solve the dinner problem. Baking some bread as well as making dough for pizza.Oh and drinking.

Yeah Right: Sitting here at work commenting with you good folks while watching the clock. Oh and reading, reading, reading.

Litre_Cola: DAYDRINKING IS DFO. I am yelling that over the border at you Easterners.

BC Dick: I jerked off during a conference call today. I had paper taped over the camera and on mute. So it could’ve been better but it’s still a good way to go. 90% of the participants were women so even if I got fired I’d have some suitorettes in due time.

HOST: Careful there, Kellen Winslow…

[LEGALLY DIFFERENT FROM MESSENGER CHAT FLIES OPEN]

Doktor Zymm: When I’m not remote working, I’m on my second jigsaw puzzle, lots of reading, Civ 6, cleaning everything, bought a rowing machine, plus cooking and laundry. Oh, and trying to figure out how to refund/reschedule everything for my Greenland trip along with wildly speculating about when I’ll be able to travel internationally again without two week quarantines on both sides.  Tentatively rescheduled for late June, but I think that’s too optimistic. Honestly, this isn’t too different than working on my dissertation during a bad Chicago winter. In a lot of ways it’s better because I have more money and can go outside without 15 minutes of prep.

Senor: The good things: I’m still teaching, so it means four days a week I’m on the lappy in my room tutoring, TAing (even if nobody comes for my theory TA session), and private teaching. Teaching private violin lessons is not too difficult, teaching cello slightly tougher, teaching piano is rough. When not doing that, the professor for the string ensemble and I are recording the entire repertoire list, so approximately a movement or two a week. Recording is a pain in the ass because after 8:00 all the douchebags with their loud-ass car exhausts are on the streets, so I’ve had countless takes ruined, and with them, hits to vestiges of sanity. Recording sucks as it is, moreso when you’re recording to a video and have to be on it and therefore can’t actually put any musicality in the piece because there’s no wiggle room.