Efficiency! It’s the German Way

We have professional futbol this morning!

We head to Germany where they are so efficient they ain’t care bout no virus. They’ve been through worse.

We decided in the name of efficiency to give our brief opinions about each team so you can pick one for yourself. I do not know about the rest of the gang but my German futbol knowledge is very rudimentary due to it being a pay channel here in Canadia. It is not a pay channel now due to the scarcity of sports so IT WILL BE ON MY TV!

I am very torn on the no fans aspect. The game day experience is what really got me in to the sport and I do not know how it will feel in empty stadiums. I wonder if pubs will be packed with people watching or will everyone adhere to distancing? The reason that I speak of the gameday fan experience is that all of these clubs must have a majority of voting rights. Wikipedia breaks it down here and I think that it is a superb system for professional sports.

I am going to do this in the order of where they sit in the table;

Bayern Munich 55 Pts 

Great city, great stadium, hard to hate them just because they are so good. Canada’s best player Alphonso Davies plays here. He is a joy to watch.

Balls:  I was supposed to be in Munich the day before Bayern played in the Champions League and I was going to get a scarf for my good friend Litre and send it to him.  Then some stupid virus got in the way. Munich is by far my favourite German city and Bayern is their team.  There is another team there, but it’s the German equivalent of Espanyol and Barcelona.  Ironically, they are also blue and white.

BTW, I just picked up my car that was shipped from Munich.  Guess which team I’m rooting for?

Borussia Dortmund 51 pts 

I have said it before, all that Haaland kid does is bang in goals. I definitely enjoy watching these guys more than any other team. Their fans are my favoUrite in the world.

Balls:  The Tifos, as they are called, are indeed the best in the world.  I mean, look at this:

My second favourite team.

RB Leipzig 50 pts

Upon research all futbol purists hate these guys.

Balls:  They hate them because they’re good now and Red Bull basically manipulated the majority-owned system to buy good players and improve the team.  Ironically, these “purists” also love English football and teams like City and Chelsea that are owned by foreign billionaires with unlimited resources. The fact that they’re from Leipzig in the former East Germany gives them points to me.  If you don’t think there’s a big difference between West Germany and East Germany, you should do some readin’.

Borussia M’Gladbach 49 pts

There are two Borussias? Sweet Logo. That up there is a currywurst, it rules.

Balls:  Currywurst indeed rules.  German sausage in a curry sauce with fries on the side?  FUCK YEAH!  As for the team, they’ve always been up and down like the currywurst after a good four liters of beer.

Bayer Leverkusen 47 pts

This has to be Hippo’s club with the whole pharmaceutical ownership thing.

Balls:  I love their aspirin.  Just because of that, I’ve always had a soft spot for this club.  Also, it’s BAYER, not Bayern.  They mean two different things.

Schalke 04 37 pts

These guys used to always hang around the Champions League for a while, I guess they are mediocre now as their point total would suggest.

Balls:  I am fascinated by teams that have numbers in them.  Some are so old that they cross centuries.  This is one such team.  I also love how spanish speakers pronounce their name:  Chal-Qué.

Wolfsburg 36 pts

They used to have super cool jerseys, I wonder if they do now.

Balls:  I love wolves.  Therefore, I like Wolfsburg.  I mean that literally means the City of Wolves in German! (May or may not be true) I do like teams with green jerseys, though.

Freiburg 36 pts

 I have no idea who these guys are, they could be the 500’s of the Bundesliga. Is that a turkey vulture?

Balls:  Freiburg is one of those teams from a small town that you would think would have no business being in the top division of its country yet here it is.  If you think about it, it’s a testament to the majority-owned system and the fact that Germans are not obsessed with living in big cities.

Hoffenheim 35 pts

Hasselhoffenheim would be better.

Balls:  Remember I mentioned teams that cross centuries?  This one is on its THIRD century of existence!!  That deserves a floor burger.

Koln 32 pts

Didn’t I feature these guys in obscure teams? Kolsch beer kicks ass.

Balls:  On my first trip to Europe, I went on a youth tour group that does those 21 countries in 16 days kind of tours.  Lemme just say that it was exactly the sex-filled, madcap drunken adventure type of trip that Brian Thacker wrote about on “Rule No. 5 – No Sex On The Bus“.

I met and partied with people from around the globe. It was one of the best experiences of my life.  Oh, I forgot.  The Kolsch beer from Cologne (Köln) is REALLY good!

Union Berlin 30 pts

This is the “other” Berlin team and they are marginally better than their crosstown rivals. Do bus drivers, public workers support these guys more than Hertha?

Balls:  These are the plucky underdog team that not just Berliners but all Germans have adopted.  They just made it onto the top division and they’ve managed to play very well and stay close to the top.  If you like feel-good stories, this is your team.

Frankfurt 28 pts

Airport town! Never go to Frankfurt Hahn when you mean to go to Frankfurt Main, trust me. These guys should be higher no?

Balls:  I may or may not know that Frankfurt is the business capital of Germany and, as such, has a plethora of spas that cater to businessmen and offer female services as part of the spa experience.  Do with that information what you will.

Hertha Berlin 28 pts

Here they are, probably sucks that Union is better than them.

Balls:  Hertha BSC is such a weird name.  First, the Hertha part sounds like Bertha which makes you think of the maid from Two and a Half Men and that makes you think: 1) Shit, I just revealed to everyone that I watched that show and 2) Are there any conventionally-hot Berthas?  It’s like the name Mildred.  Second, the BSC part just screams BS, Cocksucker!

Augsburg 27 pts

I assume this is the Southampton of the Bundesliga. I said this before seeing the logo.

Balls:  They probably are the Southampton of the Bundesliga because I know absolutely nothing about them, they’re usually at the mid-bottom of the table, and they apparently have a small but dedicated fanbase.

Mainz 26 pts 

I enjoy the Z in their name.

Balls:  Mainz 05 and Schalke 04 probably teamed up to make sure no team decided to call themselves 06.  Did you know the word for 6 in German is sechs which sounds like you know what?  Also, the z at the end makes me think the team is French instead of German.  Have I ever told you that several times when I’ve been in Germany, my default reaction is to speak French to try to communicate?  I think it’s weird, but that’s how my brain is wired…

Fortuna Dusseldorf 22 pts

It would be unFortunate if they got relegated.

Balls:  Good one, Litre!  I don’t think I can top that.

Werder Bremen 18 pts

Whoa, these guys used to be really, really good. Spin the big wheel, ownership issues, ownership issues or ownership issues?

Balls:  My tour guide on that alcohol-fueled sex-romp of a trip was named Werner.  He pronounced it Verner, as is tradition.  I can’t help but think of him whenever I see this team.  I always wonder if he did hook up with that girl from Ohio that he had his eye on…

Paderborn 16 pts

Apparently their promotion was a shock and they will be sent right down.

Balls:  Paderborn gave a big old Fuchs U to Mains and Schalke and went with 7.  Good for them!  Unfortunately, the name sounds too much like pederast.  Those people ruin everything!

***

Who ya got and why? Was this the most useful mid season preview you have ever read?

Balls:  Yes, it was.  I’ve got Bayern winning the whole thing.  Now I’ve got to find some big ass German pretzels and beer to celebrate the return of Fußball!!

Hippo: Reading The Athletic, I prepared for the coming back of sportsball by perusing the Kraut Koverage.  Turns out that my two favoUrite sides…are mortal enemies.  That being Borussia Dortmund (would have sworn they’s would have been the other Borussians, ain’t even gon’ try to spell their name) and Schalke.  The latter mostly because they feature the same shade of Royal (Mersey) Blue as my beloved toffees.  Good thing I don’t live in Germany!

Also, I’mma just leave this here:

Enjoy the Kraut Lesser Footykakke!  I may even take my eyes off Pretend Man City (2033-34) to comment with y’all.  You been warned.