![[DOOR FLIES OPEN]](https://doorfliesopen.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/DFO-MC-Patch.png)
It’s the start of another week. Hopefully you all had a good weekend. The person that came closest to guessing the Sexy Friday hidden theme was King Hippo with his guess of “shoulders”. We were looking for a bit more than that, but I know teh Hippo loves him some shoulders, so I’ll give it to him.
The correct answer was “girls with shoulders pointed square towards the camera”. We will have another hidden theme next week until the US government shuts down Tik Tok and I have to actually do research to find hot girls for you.
I know. Just remember that I do this for you.
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The Week in DFO
Here are the things I read in DFO this week that reminded me how much I love this site:
It’s 10am. Do you know where your teenage son is?
Me: No, no, I do not.
scotchnaut
Is son in shower masturbating? No: Check bedroom.
Is son in bedroom masturbating? No: check shower.
herodotus450
Try the kitchen
Unsurprised
[follows trail of slimy gym socks]
scotchnaut
If you delay a couple days, they’ll be crusty rather than slimy.
Viva La Tabula Raza
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Found a funny:
school board: it’s completely safe for kids to go back to school
teachers: so you met in person to discuss this
school board: lmao what are you nuts of course not
rockindog
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the likelihood of me suing myself is somewhat low.
In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court declined to hear the case of Yeah Right vs. Yeah Right and instead went out for lunch. Sources say they had Italian.
monty this seems strange to me
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Let’s first win our game against City and then we’ll talk Wembley, yeesh… Speaking of which, please tell me you’re betting on Shitty, ’cause I’d like us to have a bloody fighting chance for once…
bk109
??????????
/you DO know that you beat City 2-nil yesterday??
King Hippo
Uh, we’re playing them today after the Chelski/ManUre game, right?
Edit: … No? HOLY FUCK WE WON!? … please excuse me, while I squee for 60 seconds straight…
bk109
Christ and Sonny Jeebus, go find a replay, watch and see how tumescent you gets…
King Hippo
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last funny:
detective: where were you in the last 24 hours
me: i’ve been workin on the railroad
detective: for how long
me: ur not gonna believe this
rockindog
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Poor Desi. She deserved better than to die in Johnny’s arms, choking on her own blood after suffering multiple stab wounds, saying “It’s OK, because I got to have you”, before being consigned to an unmarked grave.
But enough about my prom, let’s go back to my live-tweeting of ‘Starship Troopers’ while hammered.
Horatio
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Found a funny:
people ask me all the time “why do you look so happy?” the answer is simple. i’ve lost touch with reality. the moon is my mom. my cat is gonna pay my student loans. loneliness makes my skin glow.
rockindog
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Fourth, and perhaps most maddening to any principled person: He avoids accountability at every turn. Nothing’s ever his fault.
Yes, Washington D.C. So full of principled persons.
monty this seems strange to me
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Where will I get my taco shoes now?
Brick
Aren’t you in the LA area? Don’t they still have Del Taco Zapatos?
Viva La Tabula Raza
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The ESPN crawl says that Rutgers will proceed without fans and it’s nice to see that in the Year of Our Lord 2020 some things stay the same.
SonOfSpam
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This would have been good to know prior to Homecoming, junior year…
LemonJello
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[runs a steak knife across the seal of a The Macallan bottle of scotch several times in order to open it]
Why? Because I’m Northern Ontario Fancy, that’s why!
scotchnaut
Knife dulled due to other activities?
Viva La Tabula Raza
Scotchy keeps his “hobby” knives in prime cutting condition. His kitchen knives? Not so much.
LemonJello
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Further to Sports Business Daily’s report, if the Packers are permitted to have fans, they are planning on Lambeau Field holding between 10,000-12,000 people under social distancing rules.
What’s funny is that putting 10-12k Wisconsin residents into the Lambeau stands still pretty much has them packed in elbow-to-elbow.
RTD
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So apparently I may have an older half-sibling out there. My attitude is essentially, “meh, who cares?” One of the many reasons I never signed up for one of those DNA tracing sites.
If anything, I’m sort of pleased that my mom led a more interesting life than I had been led to believe. (And by all means, feel free to make jokes about my mom. I wouldn’t have thrown this obvious bait to this crowd if I wasn’t prepared for it.)
Fortunately, this is coming in the form of late-in-life parent confessions rather than some half-sibling making contact.
Dunstan
Is it a half-sister or brother? Maybe it’s a sister and she’ll make initial contact – slow and awkward at first, but gradually you start becoming more comfortable and eventually you spend enough time together that you start to develop feelings for each other. But no! She’s my half-sister, I can’t possibly. But if it is so wrong, why does it feel so right? Oh, if only the circumstances were different. Then a DNA test, the very kind that you had eschewed, reveals that this “sister” is NOT the half-sibling your mom gave birth to, and you are in fact free to pursue this once forbidden pleasure.
That’s when you both realize you’re not really that into each other and part ways.
monty this seems strange to me
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It’s a shame that the Blue Jays aren’t going to be allowed to play at PNC Park. Pittsburgh could really use a baseball team.
Dunstan
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Woo! Won an argument with the wifey.*
*is the lack of sex for the next few days worth it?**
**I’ll get back to you
scotchnaut
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I just want to say three words:
Colonel. Tim. Tebow.
Dunstan
Leave it to the Bears to have a pacifist lead their army.
Blaxabbath
Yeah, but who better to lead them against the Washington Foreskins?
Dunstan
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Well, Washington’s new name sort of makes sense. The previous one insulted all Native Americans by calling them all a racist slur. The new one insults all football players by implying they play for Washington.
Redshirt
I think it insults other players by implying Washington plays as a team. But I suppose “Washington Collection of Bad Draft Picks and Contracts” doesn’t look too good stenciled on a heather gray t-shirt.
Porky Prime
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Wifey’s in the mood, even said she’ll put on some goddess jewelry. The girls, however, remain a perpetual cockblock.
WCS
They’re never too young for a couple of shots of bourbon in their sippy cups.
Horatio
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I thought there were rules about posting porn here
Sharkbait
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The best Mookie was Blaylock. Change my mind.
scotchnaut
You are 1000% correct
Balls
You don’t follow instructions very well, balls.
monty this seems strange to me
“You don’t follow instructions very well, balls.”
Me, in between frantic apologies to another disappointed young woman.
Horatio
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HOW IN THE HELL CAN YOU MISS THE FIRST PITCH OF THE SEASON, ESPN?!?!?!
Redshirt
“Oh, trust me, it’s pretty easy.”
Angel Hernandez
Horatio
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I lost all my Great White cards in a fire.
Horatio
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Wooooo, that was action packed! As an Extremely White Woman(EWW) I would fit right in at an albino nudist camp. To avoid permanent eye damage from the glare, I highly recommend sunglasses when viewing my exposed flesh, even at night.
Gumbygirl
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The Bow Wow Wow cover was also very controversial (to say the least) with Annabella’s mother, who was not happy with her underage daughter being all kinds of naked on an album cover.
More proof that record execs are slimy pricks.
Beastmode Ate My Baby
[glance up from lines of cocaine]
[look at each other and smirk]
[resume snorting]
– DTZM and RTD
RTD
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The other other other OTHER white meat
herodotus450
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Watching the Red Sox play the Orioles and I have to say that it looks like Seamus has more life in him than his beloved* Orioles.
*tolerated. barely.
Horatio
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Lynda Carter turns 69 today!?!?!?
Unsurprised
Really feel like this should be a DFO Holiday.
Horatio
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I appreciate how the Orioles are honoring tWBS’ memory by playing like they did when he was alive
Gratliff
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found a funny:
interviewer: do you have any questions
me: yes, why isn’t bigfoot called bigfeet
interviewer: i meant questions about working here
me: oh sorry, if bigfoot worked here would you call him bigfeet
rockindog
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Twitter reaction to the Favre-Trump pic is “So I guess Brett Favre is still sending out dick pics” and that’s a quality joke.
SonOfSpam
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Here’s this week’s Balls’ Choice from Request Line:
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Thank you to everyone one for providing quality laughs and gifs/pics to look at. Have a good week, everyone!
Before I go, a hearty congratulations to Reverend Mayhem who absolutely dominated the EPL Tipping Pool this year. Here are the final results:
Rev, a gently-used Fleshlight is on its way! Enjoy it in good health!
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