Your Monday Night Football Open Thread

The fantasy football satellite radio channel I listen to told me that this was a week of ‘bad beats’ and to just ‘move on’ which struck me as odd. You see, I was projected to lose in all five of my leagues and ended winning in four of them. (if Mooney scores as much as the Bears D tonight it’ll be all five) Slow Realization Incoming Oh, got it! That was directed at the good fantasy players. During an upside-down week I did quite well. Huzzah for more bad beats!

Fallout:

-BFC, I apologize. I recced McKissic over RoJo so of course the latter goes off. The guy had 3 carries last week and 7 the week before (3.2ypc, btw) Arians has a bit of the Belichick in him I guess.

-Alex Smith flips the script. He threw for 390 yards and Overreaction Monday advocates are saying that Team is going to be okay at the spot until they find another candidate to lead the team. Hmmm. I’d like to note that Smith had no TD’s yesterday. HE THREW FOR 390! Also, he’s 36 years old and he counts for just over 23(!) million against the cap next year. When he gets to the minimum number of throws his Depth Of Target stat is gonna be right there with Brees.

-Speaking of, he’s cracked some ribs and collapsed a lung. Winston Ahoy!, right? Not so fast you overeager barnacles, the Saints have the toughest strength of sked for qb’s the rest of the year and, interceptions, lots and lots of interceptions.

-Stat That Usually Matters But Not In This Context: the Giants are the only team that has a winning record within the division.

-Joshua Kelley is in freefall. Two weeks ago he lost carries to Troymaine Pope fine, whatever, I’m still the receiving back and now yesterday he lost that status to Kalen Ballage. Drop him from your team the way the coaching staff has dropped him from their thoughts.

-Target Hog Status Unlocked: He had that lovely Hail Mary pass and ended up with 127 yards receiving, so good for Hopkins. The next best wr on the Cards totaled all of 34.

TO THE GAME!

Vikes/Bears:

-Minny has allowed the most number of TD’s to wr’s at 16 and counting tonight. (Mooney!)

-Nagy has handed over play-calling to OC Bill Lazor, who was the one calling them all week during practice since the beginning of the season. Does that make any sense? The head coach doesn’t playcall during the week, just during the game?

-Chicago fans are relieved that the change has been made and you would be as well if you watched your team average 17(!) points a game for the last six weeks.

-The Bears started at 5-1, the Vikes at 1-5 and I have a vision of the respective team buses waving at each other as they pass in opposite directions through the division.

-One thing holding Minny back tonight though is that they are 4-16 at Soldier Field since 2000.

Give it your best or whatever in the comments.

5 5 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
291 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
LemonJello

Is Berman wearing someone else’s scalp on top of his own head?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I thought it was a cocktail made with nonalcoholic tequila.

Duchess

“I bet he really knows how to store grains” – Ben Carson

Recovery Whiskey

A Lucha Libra regional champion

herodotus450

You joke but that engineering company went on to become the biggest seed conglomerate the Nile Delta has ever seen.

Dunstan

“Don’t miss Chris Berman’s ‘Fastest Three Minutes’…”

“I sure don’t.” — Berman’s ex-wife

Horatio Cornblower

His ex-wife’s fastest three minutes involved a car and three times the legal limit of booze in her blood.

I’m convinced him doing those shitty car engine insurance commercials is to pay for all the lawsuits.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Triple the legal limit? What’s she trying to do, become Steve Keim’s idol?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This game is going to end 12-10

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Or 12-12 if the football gods smile down upon us

Horatio Cornblower

These teams are really selling me on coming back for the second half.

litre_cola

Only watching until Cook gets a td.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

A few more Captain Kurt INTs and I’m in the money this week!

Brocky

comment image

way to take time off the clock!

litre_cola

Guys, hot take coming, I think the Bears defense is better than their O.

Dunstan

THIS BEARS TEAM, I CALL IT “MY GIRLFRIEND,” BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HAVING AN O

BrettFavresColonoscopy

A couple more Bears INTs and i could win this week! And so could they?

Recovery Whiskey

When was the last time the Bears had an above league average offense … 1994 with Kramer?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

comment image

Recovery Whiskey

Dragon!

Duchess

Yes Good Rex the king of September they were top 5 in points, and defenses but 15th in yards

LemonJello

Jebus, BFC! Spoiler tag that or we’ll ALL end up pregnant.

Horatio Cornblower

comment image

Duchess

Technically Trestmans first year they were 2nd in Points and 8th in yards… there Defense was absolute trash that year though

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Difference between Massholes and Bears fans is we never think we’re any good. MIKE MARTZ WAS AN IDIOT, NO ONE DENIES THIS

Horatio Cornblower

/first 5,000 fans get to come on the field
//Pee Wee Herman buys 5,000 tickets, camps out for 4 days

LemonJello

THIS BEARS D, I CALL A PORNHUB FAMILY REUNION BECAUSE THEY’RE TAKING TURNS FUCKING COUSINS IN DIFFERENT WAYS ON CAMERA!

ArmedandHammered

Bravo!

Brocky

Banner!

Duchess

You know it is boring game when even the person in charge of the piped in crowd noise has fallen asleep when the Bears D intercepts the ball.

litre_cola

Oh I LIKE THAT!

Recovery Whiskey

Theres the Bears D

The Maestro

Not a Cubs fan myself, but goddamn, would this ever rule. What a way to go.

Duchess

I told my friends when I die I will not have anyone told but I would be cremated and put into concrete busts of myself and shipped to my closest friends and if they never heard from me again they will know they didn’t make the cut.

Recovery Whiskey

Keith Moreland might still be able to drop a routine fly ball

Recovery Whiskey

No idea what the Bears record in orange is, but it can’t be as good as the Seahawks in Action Green

The Maestro

All about that action (green), boss.

clint greasewood

Throw Norte Dame’s Kelly greens on the pyre.

Recovery Whiskey

Seattle offense and Chicago defense would be a pretty good team

Duchess

Statistically speaking the only Tema Offenses that would not be an improvement are the ones from New York

Recovery Whiskey

Slo Mo Bob we called him.

From Jack Concannon through Gary Huff and Bobby Douglass though Avellini and Vince Evans the Bears QB of the 70s were majestic.

LemonJello

First team to 10 wins?

Recovery Whiskey

What is third place in the NFC West?

litre_cola

As someone facing Dalvin in 3 leagues, that sounds superb!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Apology accepted. I await the cooler of body parts as penance.

Horatio Cornblower

Omaha Steaks has already cornered that market.

King Hippo

Raging Semi Nick is not a very handsome man. Good thing he’s rich/hung.

Gumbygirl

He wears that little purse thing because he knows everyone is staring at his dick.

Recovery Whiskey

Kessinger? Ivan DeJesus was so much better

King Hippo

ain’t neither one of ’em have an -ometer in the bleachers named for ’em.

/am such an el beisbol NERRRRRDDDD that I even recall the brief Kevin Orie boomlet

Recovery Whiskey

So the voices of my youth:

Williams, Pepitone and Hickman the outfield left center and right.

Santo Kessinger Beckert and Banks the infield third to first.

The battery Jenkins and Hundley.

Recovery Whiskey

Chuckles in Mick Kelleher

Duchess

Oh i loved these riddles as a kid… Break the tv grab the shard

Brocky

comment image

clashing hues? you think someone named after a color would know better

Horatio Cornblower

Uh-oh, is Scarlett doing a remake of The Color Purple? I don’t say that working out at all.

King Hippo

/cannot unsee the mental picture of Ms. Johansson in blackface

Duchess

If I were a betting man I would wager that the Bears DB’s have the most kids out of any backfield in the NFL due to the fact they can’t seem to wrap it up on the field.

litre_cola

Also accepted, I call this Bears defense Cromartie, for the reasons you listed.

Brocky

banner

also accurate

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Apparently Ben Shapiro went on some kind of tirade about masculinity today, which has me theorizing what his fate would be if he were a contestant on the Hunger Games: the youngest, smallest, weakest contestant Rue would drown him using nothing more than her bare hands, and as she’s walking away, she would mutter disdainfully “who’s a wet-ass pussy NOW, bitch?”
comment image

LemonJello

That’s generous. I think he’d be frozen in place at the starting horn/gun, emptying his bowels and bladder in his pants before being dispatched in a violent and horrific way.

The Maestro

I see I’ve missed a riveting game thus far.

litre_cola

GET BACK TO MARKIN THOSE PAPERS!

King Hippo

I would bet 20 American dollars that Dingleberry has a “Christians Aren’t PERFECT – Just SAVED” bumper sticker.

The Maestro

I’d bet another 20 he has one on each one of his vehicles.

LemonJello

comment image

Gumbygirl

Orange boy cats are the best! I had a tuxedo cat named Wilbur for 16 years. He was the smartest cat ever. I miss him every day.

rockingdog

found a funny:

I present The Soapranos

comment image

Last edited 3 years ago by rockingdog
King Hippo

thank goodness Big Pussy is not pictured

Gumbygirl

Squeeee! The exterminator came today, so I had to drive my cat around the lake a few times until the fumes died down. He was confused, but relieved to find the car trip didn’t stop at the vet’s office.

Gumbygirl

He bought some kind of paracord bracelet thing that has attachments on it like a Swiss Army knife. One of them is a fucking whistle. He may meet the exterminator if he blows it at me one more time!

LemonJello

So, it’s like a mini Batman utility belt? What else does it have? Shark repellent? Tiny boomerangs?

Gumbygirl

A tiny but wicked sharp knife, and a compass. It’s pretty cool, except for the soon to be disabled whistle.

Brocky

Fumble!!!
comment image

one of the greatest mysteries of our generation is figuring out why this woman’s career didn’t skyrocket after the first two thor movies

LemonJello

I’d hold her feet and count.

LemonJello

BD Nick with a little premature interception.

Recovery Whiskey

Nice catch

litre_cola

Evenin, I would kindly request that Dalvin nawt Cook tonight.

Senor Weaselo

I need him to get like 28 more points than Foles in DFOball.

LemonJello

Oh, the travel size one?

Dunstan

I have the Brett Favre Grill, but it can only handle a single cocktail weenie

LemonJello

I think I got a TBI from looking at this picture.

Gumbygirl

You’d still be smarter than her.

Gratliff

First play, first murderball

Dunstan

That was actually the entire content of Canadian TV Guide.

Recovery Whiskey

Matron looking and sounding great as always

King Hippo

a pro’s pro, she is

Recovery Whiskey

84 get your teeth zoomed. Yellow isn’t a good look unless you’re a Packer

Last edited 3 years ago by Recovery Whiskey
yeah right

Just dropped in to say that of course I’ll watch the game but alas I’m at work for at least another 2 hours then still need to drive home.

Happy commenting and, as always, SKOL motherfuckers!

Brocky

comment image

Recovery Whiskey

Costume geeks. High maintenance but often worth the effort. At least short term.

King Hippo

It’s almost like Matt Nagy doesn’t know what he’s doing.

Brocky

i desperately wish i could photoshop a bears visor on to this picture. Matt Nagy as a coach is a post turtle

comment image

Redshirt

So you’re saying we should put Mitch McConnell on a tall post and walk away?

King Hippo

Only if tall AND pointy…

Senor Weaselo

“Go on…” -Vlad III, Wallachia

Gumbygirl

And smeared with feces. In a tiger pit.

Recovery Whiskey

But Coaching Pedigree

Redshirt

So my work that never closes for snow, ice storm or lack of personnel, is closed tomorrow for a “deep cleaning”. You know what this means?
comment image

Oh, Lordy! This is the one! I’m comin’ Seamus!

ballsofsteelandfury

Someone finally took a dump on the CEO’s desk?

Redshirt

No. I’ve been pissing in his coffee for the past two months, but I’m starting to think he’s into that kink.

ballsofsteelandfury

#MakingCincinnatiGreatAgain

Brocky

Urine is mostly sterile. Need to think bigger

https://giphy.com/gifs/southparkgifs-d31xn6cQIWcOO45G

LemonJello

Prolly thought those bus engines were the delivery trucks with his post-game snack.

1 2 3