The fantasy football satellite radio channel I listen to told me that this was a week of ‘bad beats’ and to just ‘move on’ which struck me as odd. You see, I was projected to lose in all five of my leagues and ended winning in four of them. (if Mooney scores as much as the Bears D tonight it’ll be all five) Slow Realization Incoming Oh, got it! That was directed at the good fantasy players. During an upside-down week I did quite well. Huzzah for more bad beats!
Fallout:
-BFC, I apologize. I recced McKissic over RoJo so of course the latter goes off. The guy had 3 carries last week and 7 the week before (3.2ypc, btw) Arians has a bit of the Belichick in him I guess.
-Alex Smith flips the script. He threw for 390 yards and Overreaction Monday advocates are saying that Team is going to be okay at the spot until they find another candidate to lead the team. Hmmm. I’d like to note that Smith had no TD’s yesterday. HE THREW FOR 390! Also, he’s 36 years old and he counts for just over 23(!) million against the cap next year. When he gets to the minimum number of throws his Depth Of Target stat is gonna be right there with Brees.
-Speaking of, he’s cracked some ribs and collapsed a lung. Winston Ahoy!, right? Not so fast you overeager barnacles, the Saints have the toughest strength of sked for qb’s the rest of the year and, interceptions, lots and lots of interceptions.
-Stat That Usually Matters But Not In This Context: the Giants are the only team that has a winning record within the division.
-Joshua Kelley is in freefall. Two weeks ago he lost carries to Troymaine Pope fine, whatever, I’m still the receiving back and now yesterday he lost that status to Kalen Ballage. Drop him from your team the way the coaching staff has dropped him from their thoughts.
-Target Hog Status Unlocked: He had that lovely Hail Mary pass and ended up with 127 yards receiving, so good for Hopkins. The next best wr on the Cards totaled all of 34.
TO THE GAME!
Vikes/Bears:
-Minny has allowed the most number of TD’s to wr’s at 16 and counting tonight. (Mooney!)
-Nagy has handed over play-calling to OC Bill Lazor, who was the one calling them all week during practice since the beginning of the season. Does that make any sense? The head coach doesn’t playcall during the week, just during the game?
-Chicago fans are relieved that the change has been made and you would be as well if you watched your team average 17(!) points a game for the last six weeks.
-The Bears started at 5-1, the Vikes at 1-5 and I have a vision of the respective team buses waving at each other as they pass in opposite directions through the division.
-One thing holding Minny back tonight though is that they are 4-16 at Soldier Field since 2000.
Give it your best or whatever in the comments.
Is Berman wearing someone else’s scalp on top of his own head?
Cairo Santos is…
1.) A Haitian voodoo practice
2.) the engineering company contracted to build the pyramids at Giza
3.) a kicker
4.) the dyslectic lead guitarist for a Santana cover band
I thought it was a cocktail made with nonalcoholic tequila.
“I bet he really knows how to store grains” – Ben Carson
A Lucha Libra regional champion
You joke but that engineering company went on to become the biggest seed conglomerate the Nile Delta has ever seen.
“Don’t miss Chris Berman’s ‘Fastest Three Minutes’…”
“I sure don’t.” — Berman’s ex-wife
His ex-wife’s fastest three minutes involved a car and three times the legal limit of booze in her blood.
I’m convinced him doing those shitty car engine insurance commercials is to pay for all the lawsuits.
Triple the legal limit? What’s she trying to do, become Steve Keim’s idol?
https://www.courant.com/news/connecticut/hc-news-berman-fatal-state-police-report-20180830-story.html
This game is going to end 12-10
Or 12-12 if the football gods smile down upon us
These teams are really selling me on coming back for the second half.
Only watching until Cook gets a td.
A few more Captain Kurt INTs and I’m in the money this week!
way to take time off the clock!
Guys, hot take coming, I think the Bears defense is better than their O.
THIS BEARS TEAM, I CALL IT “MY GIRLFRIEND,” BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO HAVING AN O
“THIS BEARS TEAM, I CALL “DUNSTAN” BECAUSE, well he takes his sweet time responding to my texts and he never comments about my appearance. He’s emotionally distant at times and that’s really frustrating. I just want an open dialogue but I think he’s been hurt in the past and he’s somehow blaming it on me. I just wish he’d open up a bit. I’m not going to judge him, I hope he knows that. Anyway, perhaps I’ve said to much but I just had to get it off my chest.”
-Dunstan’s Girlfriend
A couple more Bears INTs and i could win this week! And so could they?
When was the last time the Bears had an above league average offense … 1994 with Kramer?
Dragon!
Yes Good Rex the king of September they were top 5 in points, and defenses but 15th in yards
Jebus, BFC! Spoiler tag that or we’ll ALL end up pregnant.
Technically Trestmans first year they were 2nd in Points and 8th in yards… there Defense was absolute trash that year though
Difference between Massholes and Bears fans is we never think we’re any good. MIKE MARTZ WAS AN IDIOT, NO ONE DENIES THIS
/first 5,000 fans get to come on the field
//Pee Wee Herman buys 5,000 tickets, camps out for 4 days
THIS BEARS D, I CALL A PORNHUB FAMILY REUNION BECAUSE THEY’RE TAKING TURNS FUCKING COUSINS IN DIFFERENT WAYS ON CAMERA!
Bravo!
Banner!
You know it is boring game when even the person in charge of the piped in crowd noise has fallen asleep when the Bears D intercepts the ball.
Oh I LIKE THAT!
Theres the Bears D
Not a Cubs fan myself, but goddamn, would this ever rule. What a way to go.
I told my friends when I die I will not have anyone told but I would be cremated and put into concrete busts of myself and shipped to my closest friends and if they never heard from me again they will know they didn’t make the cut.
Keith Moreland might still be able to drop a routine fly ball
No idea what the Bears record in orange is, but it can’t be as good as the Seahawks in Action Green
All about that action (green), boss.
Throw Norte Dame’s Kelly greens on the pyre.
Seattle offense and Chicago defense would be a pretty good team
Statistically speaking the only Tema Offenses that would not be an improvement are the ones from New York
Slo Mo Bob we called him.
From Jack Concannon through Gary Huff and Bobby Douglass though Avellini and Vince Evans the Bears QB of the 70s were majestic.
First team to 10 wins?
What is third place in the NFC West?
As someone facing Dalvin in 3 leagues, that sounds superb!
Apology accepted. I await the cooler of body parts as penance.
Omaha Steaks has already cornered that market.
The upper forearm/lower bicep cut is very under-rated. Coat heavily with a 50/50 salt and pepper mix, sear on all sides and roast at 225 for 5 hours. Perfection!
/make sure to cut across the grain, so juicy!
Raging Semi Nick is not a very handsome man. Good thing he’s rich/hung.
He wears that little purse thing because he knows everyone is staring at his dick.
Kessinger? Ivan DeJesus was so much better
ain’t neither one of ’em have an -ometer in the bleachers named for ’em.
/am such an el beisbol NERRRRRDDDD that I even recall the brief Kevin Orie boomlet
So the voices of my youth:
Williams, Pepitone and Hickman the outfield left center and right.
Santo Kessinger Beckert and Banks the infield third to first.
The battery Jenkins and Hundley.
Chuckles in Mick Kelleher
Oh i loved these riddles as a kid… Break the tv grab the shard
clashing hues? you think someone named after a color would know better
Uh-oh, is Scarlett doing a remake of The Color Purple? I don’t say that working out at all.
/cannot unsee the mental picture of Ms. Johansson in blackface
If I were a betting man I would wager that the Bears DB’s have the most kids out of any backfield in the NFL due to the fact they can’t seem to wrap it up on the field.
Also accepted, I call this Bears defense Cromartie, for the reasons you listed.
banner
also accurate
Apparently Ben Shapiro went on some kind of tirade about masculinity today, which has me theorizing what his fate would be if he were a contestant on the Hunger Games: the youngest, smallest, weakest contestant Rue would drown him using nothing more than her bare hands, and as she’s walking away, she would mutter disdainfully “who’s a wet-ass pussy NOW, bitch?”
That’s generous. I think he’d be frozen in place at the starting horn/gun, emptying his bowels and bladder in his pants before being dispatched in a violent and horrific way.
I see I’ve missed a riveting game thus far.
GET BACK TO MARKIN THOSE PAPERS!
I would bet 20 American dollars that Dingleberry has a “Christians Aren’t PERFECT – Just SAVED” bumper sticker.
I’d bet another 20 he has one on each one of his vehicles.
When he’s not reverse-engineering alien technology in Area 51, Bill Lazor is calling plays for the Bears. He’s got one hell of a skill set.
The one with the black collar looks like he/she is down for ‘stuff’. What’s the rate per hour?
Orange boy cats are the best! I had a tuxedo cat named Wilbur for 16 years. He was the smartest cat ever. I miss him every day.
found a funny:
I present The Soapranos
thank goodness Big Pussy is not pictured
Squeeee! The exterminator came today, so I had to drive my cat around the lake a few times until the fumes died down. He was confused, but relieved to find the car trip didn’t stop at the vet’s office.
The exterminator came today?
/pours one out for Gumbyguy
He bought some kind of paracord bracelet thing that has attachments on it like a Swiss Army knife. One of them is a fucking whistle. He may meet the exterminator if he blows it at me one more time!
So, it’s like a mini Batman utility belt? What else does it have? Shark repellent? Tiny boomerangs?
A tiny but wicked sharp knife, and a compass. It’s pretty cool, except for the soon to be disabled whistle.
Fumble!!!
one of the greatest mysteries of our generation is figuring out why this woman’s career didn’t skyrocket after the first two thor movies
Well, for one thing, she’s doing pushups wrong.
I’d hold her feet and count.
BD Nick with a little premature interception.
Nice catch
Evenin, I would kindly request that Dalvin nawt Cook tonight.
I need him to get like 28 more points than Foles in DFOball.
I have an Andy Reid Grill and you can cook 48 tomahawk steaks on it.
Oh, the travel size one?
I have the Brett Favre Grill, but it can only handle a single cocktail weenie
I think I got a TBI from looking at this picture.
You’d still be smarter than her.
And people say that the American health care system is broken, smh
First play, first murderball
Cruising through the sports listings on cable. Come across “Hockey”. No description, no nuthin’.
Look, it’s men or women or kids or midgets with sticks in their hands skating on an ice surface of some kind. You’re gonna tell me you’re ‘not’ gonna watch? [laughs]*
*program describer
That was actually the entire content of Canadian TV Guide.
[raises paw] “I’d like to respectfully disagree.”
-The Littlest Hobo
Matron looking and sounding great as always
a pro’s pro, she is
84 get your teeth zoomed. Yellow isn’t a good look unless you’re a Packer
Just dropped in to say that of course I’ll watch the game but alas I’m at work for at least another 2 hours then still need to drive home.
Happy commenting and, as always, SKOL motherfuckers!
Costume geeks. High maintenance but often worth the effort. At least short term.
It’s almost like Matt Nagy doesn’t know what he’s doing.
i desperately wish i could photoshop a bears visor on to this picture. Matt Nagy as a coach is a post turtle
So you’re saying we should put Mitch McConnell on a tall post and walk away?
Only if tall AND pointy…
“Go on…” -Vlad III, Wallachia
And smeared with feces. In a tiger pit.
He’s right near the bottom of Belichick’s Coaching Stump.*
*Brian Flores is excluded from this stump for reasons I just invented and am not willing to share
But Coaching Pedigree
So my work that never closes for snow, ice storm or lack of personnel, is closed tomorrow for a “deep cleaning”. You know what this means?
Oh, Lordy! This is the one! I’m comin’ Seamus!
Someone finally took a dump on the CEO’s desk?
No. I’ve been pissing in his coffee for the past two months, but I’m starting to think he’s into that kink.
#MakingCincinnatiGreatAgain
Urine is mostly sterile. Need to think bigger
https://giphy.com/gifs/southparkgifs-d31xn6cQIWcOO45G
Chucky doing grit laps
https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/30331135/las-vegas-raiders-buses-victory-lap-irritated-kansas-city-chiefs-andy-reid
Prolly thought those bus engines were the delivery trucks with his post-game snack.