Picture it. Seventy fifth minute, your star midfielder pulls up lame due to a hamstring. The surly manager looks down the bench, eyes the road weary player-coach, and contemplates his options. “Well blimey, we ain’t got no one else. Litre, you’re doing the Sabado thread”
“Skip, I have been drinking and am kind of stoned.” (Moreso now)
“Shut up you pale bastard and get in there.”
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
Good morning, ’tis I the late game substitute for this morning. Hippo has pulled up lame and well, I have a lot of shit to say!
Let’s take a look at what Decilitre will wake me up for in a scant 5 hours.
The early tilt in Hippo-ese is The Barcodes vs Chelski (They don’t even play in that neighboUrhood!) Peacock Premium 6:30 DFO time.
I would be remiss if I didn’t add that Hippo thinks Franck Lampard is a Tory cunt. He’s correct, also really needs to let out his pants a bit, we ain’t be needin to see the frank AND beans.
Newcastle is in 13th and at the beginning of the season I figured they would be further down the table. They have a shit owner who puts nothing into the team and the fans loathe him. As for Chelsea, they are scary good and I believe the bastards will challenge for the title this year. The additions that they have made have already provided impact. Pulsilic is banged up but they’re deeper than Mandingo.
Next game up is Villa vs the Seagulls. NBCSN 9:00 DFO time
Ole Jack Grealish has certainly been playing well this year. He’s a lying drunkdriving prick, but like in North America it doesn’t matter as long as you are good on the field. I would like Villa to win this one as I see Brighton being in the relegation zone with Fulham come spring. Brighton has had their time in the sun, back down with you.
OOOOOHH next one up is Spurs v Citeh. NBC 11:30 DFO time
I should be back from grocery shopping by then and this has the makings of a phenomenal bout. (Will end in a twbs)
Call me crazy, but I think that this is the year Spurs challenges Citeh, Reds, Chelski for the title. There is something about how Jose has transformed this team with his new signings but still keeping the attacking core. Adding Gareth “the golfer” Bale seems to paying dividends as he is rejuvinated and wants to play. In all of futbol I think Son is my favoUrite player to watch right now. He is electric on and off the ball and he runs so smoothly it is impressive.
As for Citeh they have a boat load of injuries but are so deep Guardiola ain’t care. Mendy, Fernandinho, Ake, Sterling, and Aguero have ouchies, but Manchester City is so rich, and so deep that they can run out another world class 11 and not flinch.
Next up is Wakezilla’s United v West Brom. Peacock Premium 14:00 DFO time
If Ole gets his ass handed to him in this game he is as good as gone. Personally, I need United to wake the hell up here. How the hell can they have that much talent and be so useless? Manchester United the global icon, is in lowly 14th position in the table. For a club with their pedigree and bankroll that is utterly pathetic. Their back line continues to be a question mark and they have class midfielders who can’t play together. They signed the Dutch kid to 40 million and Ole doesn’t even start him! Bad decision after bad decision will lead to his demise.
I really enjoy Pogba playing for France and in my opinion he needs to move to the continent where he will thrive once again, I feel that the English game bottlenecks him and he doesn’t have enough room to operate.
West Brom is with the likes of Burnley, Brighton, and the London Jaguras for the three that are going down. ONLY 1 SURVIVES.
The DFO match of the week happens Sunday morning when Hippo’s Evertonians make a trip to Craven Cottage to take on the Mighty Fulham. This game happens early but I guarantee we will both be up, coffee in hand, and bitching at each other. Fulham really needs a point from this game. They are in dire form and the drive for 17th continues. I am going to spare you my rage today as I am so tired of caring for a yo-yo club. I was happier when they were a league below and could go into every game and expect a chance at a win.
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————-
In other futbol news. SCOTLAND IS IN THE FUCKING EUROS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
/checks earpiece
Oh, apparently there is thing going around called Coronavirus so travel to Scotland for the matches is not allowed for now.
It has been since ’99 since the Saltire has flown at an international tournament. The Tartan Army is jacked, the expats are jacked, the diaspora is jacked. In true Scotland fashion they will lose all three matches but as they say, No Scotland, No Party.
The Scots are always the butt of European futbol jokes in the UK, as even the Northern Irish have been to a Euros. Hell, I was at the Northern Irish’s 1st game and reader I can tell you it was a hell of a party! (there was a post from 2016 but it’s long gone) The final qualifier game against Serbia went to penalty kicks after in true Scottish fashion they gave up a goal in the 90th minute. I watched extra time nervously pacing in my living room. I was tense, however Fulham striker Alexandr Mirtrovic did me a favoUr and was stopped by hero David Marshall. The same David Marshall who stonewalled Barcelona in 2003 when I was hit with a police baton in Glasgow after the game!
These reactions are pure. I was screaming, and I was alone.
Seriously though I am still insanely jacked that they qualified. Right after qualification they went out in their next two international matches and lost them both. They have not changed. In Euro 2021 they get 3 games and due to Euro 2020 being an anniversary with games all over, they get all 3 games in Great Britain. Two they get at home against the Czechs and the Croats and then they get a trip to Wembley to take on the English. DFO, we need Scotland to win that game just to stand back and watch what happens. Both fanbases would turn that place into 1970 it would be amazing.
I leave you with,
s
h
/oh shit, just remembered this conversation from a way long time ago
Mom: “You know, your sister kinda resents you because she was never able to have a dog because of you.”
Me: “Remember that time when she took care of a neighbour’s dog for the weekend and I ended up in the hospital on a ventilator because of my allergic reaction?”
Mom: “I think you’re exaggerating.”
Me: “…”
Whoa. BYU’s racists beating the tar out of North Alabama’s racists to the banjo tune of 66-14.
You’d figure that since they’re from the north, they might be a little less racist than South Alabamans, but that’s probably not the case.
Heresy Alert:
Dogs are just ‘okay’, they’re not lovely creatures that make your life all kinds of wonderful. I can do without cleaning up after them/trying to get them back into the house/yelling at them to get away from the dinner table/washing them… The list goes on and on.*
*I have two dogs
I like visiting other people’s dogs, but have no desire to own one, for pretty much those reasons. I can barely take care of and clean up after myself.
Dogs are the best, but they’re also a commitment. So you’re doing the right thing. (Sometimes doing nothing is the right thing.)
Wifey wanted a dog desperately and I gave in after eight years of harassing. My one (just one!) condition was that she would take the time to train them to do X number of things. She agreed. It didn’t happen. And now all our neighbours are pissed because they wander onto their properties, crap on their lawns, bark their asses off at everyone and chase every car that travels down our street.
Sucks that they don’t find hobos for you to slice up.
THIS. As long as it doesn’t smell like an open sewer or crotch sniff incessantly (both of which reflect poorly on the human family), I enjoy other people’s dogs just fine.
But they are WAY too high maintenance. My two cats sleep 20+ hours a day, and shit outside. Precisely what I need.
Amen brother Hippo. I’m team cat all the way. I never got the allure of dogs and I’ve owned a couple of very cool dogs.
/insert “needs more dog” meme from that one Simpsons episode
//because getting Frinkiac to work is annoying and slightly inconvenient
Kids want dogs but I’m highly allergic to them so don’t have any pets. Kinda glad its like that.
And not opposed to the idea, just don’t want to have another 3yo for 10-15 years
Be thankful that your wifey hasn’t done an immense amount of homework regarding hypoallergenic poodles.
Both she and the kids have but I hide behind my belief that there is no such thing as an hypoallergenic dog. When my allergies kick it, it triggers asthma ( sucks to your asmar) so don’t want to spend the next 10+ years short of breath, if the dog triggers me. Its not like the kids won’t love it the second it comes in the door, so not going to be a dick and send it back. Even the wife is on board with no dog for that reason.
The joke here is “dad or a dog”. Its been close a few times. Lol
We live in 2 different spots at the moment because of the kids and whenever I stay over there I have to go heavy into the Reactine otherwise things get very unpleasant.
Whenever we visit friends with pets, I need to be on an antihistamines or its bad. Itchy, watery eyes and asthma. And have the blue puffer for when it gets bad. Even then I start to get a cough and all itchy after a few hours. So get what you mean.
Also allergic to cats and dust. Fun times
Rooting for the Purple Mildcats, because I am tired of Bucky Badger always losing to tOSU (NW will lose the final too, but at least it will be different).
Hey, NW has ALSO lost to OSU in a Big 10 Championship game.
Paedo State well on their way to 0-5. Wonder if Ambulatory Penis James Franklin is gonna get the sack.
Dunno, I didn’t see anything.
Kenfucky, y’all.
them blue moons keep on shinin
Somebody tell Balls that Westwood Klavern is winning the Massuh Chip revenge fixture!
/offer no longer valid
We’ve switched West Bromwich Albion’s goalie, Johnstone with Peter Schmeichel in his prime. Let’s see if anyone notices.
I saw your magnificent rage (had been napping), and was pretty sure y’all would still be winning.
Really is a shame you don’t support a truly shitty side (like most of the Clubhouse), because you do unfettered rage better than anyone.
/and YES, that is a genuine Hippo compliment
//looks for pill bottle
This Cincinnati College Football Team, I call them one-third of Cincinnati City Counsel because they are being exposed as the frauds we always knew they are.
God as my witness, I thought a turkey could fly
Also, is Sherrod Brown REALLY the only semi-competent Demmycrat in the entire blankety-blank state???
Yes. It was revealed a few years back that one of the Dems running at Governor never had a valid driver’s license in his life and his inability to give an answer as to why turned a odd quirk into a disqualifying issue.
That is who Ohio Democrats are.
I think the ODP must exist solely to make the Florida Democratic Party feel good about itself.
THIS PASTOR FRED, I CALL FATHER FRED BECAUSE ALL HIS TOUCHES ARE BAD
Oh, Pastors get up to plenty bad shit, too. Dan Savage used to run a feature called “Youth Pastor Watch” where he’d link to news stories about the arrests and convictions of youth pastors. He had plenty of material.
Diddling kids, the one thing ALL denominations can agree on!
“Disagree!”
-50 Cent
Bruno, Bruno, Bruno,
He’s from Sporting like Cristiano,
He goes left,
He goes right,
He makes the defences look shi*e,
He’s our Portuguese magnifico!
Anyway, Donny Van de Beek, Cavani and Paul Pogba are sitting on the bench, while Mata, Martial, Fred, Rashford are having stinkers. C’mon Ole, make some fucking changes!
Mata is playing so slow, it’s like United is playing with a man down. United also have two defensive midfielders when one should suffice. (Good job not signing Partey, Ed Woodward, you useless sack of shit). Essentially, United is playing 2 men down against West Brom AT HOME.
Angry Wakey is the best Wakey. In your position I would be irate, see, we at the bottom expect it.
Wine time?
Wine time.
Hurrah! The website loaded for me!
You know what grinds my gears? Teams pissed and moaned so much about United getting penalty kicks, United has gone over a month since getting one. And there has been a shit ton of instances where they should have been given one. Including today. Fucking bullshit.
Just win today. Just win.
The “Fake An Injury” timeout. The very first time I saw that was at a basketball camp when George Karl (long before he became a head coach) told our point guard to pretend to be hurt. He refused.
He also hosted a night where we watched old UNC basketball footage followed by a “You can’t stump me” basketball trivia contest. I asked him, “who was the last player to average 20 points and 20 rebounds in college basketball? His guess was Julius Erving but the answer was Kermit Washington. Got a t-shirt several months later. He kept his end of the deal.
Question: in A Clockwork Orange the scene where Alex kills the Filthy Old Simka, do you think his droogs called the police for the set up or did they just take advantage of the police coming to tolchok him with the moloko bottle and setting him up that way?
No answer from me. Seen that movie several times but never even remotely sober.
Not sure I ever made it more than halfway through. It’s just so dense, and I have always been loaded.
I just remembered that the Simka called the cops herself. It just felt premeditated.
I’ve seen the movie no fewer than 25 times under every mental condition. It’s a top 10 tripping balls movie.
If The Flyovers can score on Oh High O, then anyone can.
Indiana keeping it surprisingly close still, unlike their state’s LDL and HDL counts.
One job Man U, one job.
FryFogle, Indianans’ preferred method of Subway.
“It’s my way or the Subway.”
-Jared, trying to intimidate minors on message boards
The porn must flow
Giant sand worms roaming through deserts is my fetish. How did you know?
/Stay with me here
A sitcom featuring life-time virgin Isaac Newton-he’s hired by blue blood Cape Cod parents to tutor their cheerleader daughter the nuances of physics. I’m calling it “It’s Complicated!”
“And teenager Sheldon is there, nailed it. ” – CBS Exec.
When does his arch nemesis, Gottfried Leibniz, show up?
“Can we cast a heavy set mediocre comedian in that role? Man I am just gold today.” – CBS Exec.
[ears turn red, clears schedule]
-Kevin James
Speaking of ‘compilers’, Alex English, (that guy you’ve never heard of) finished his career in the top 10 of points scored in the NBA.
The New england Bowlers Association?
“Love me some bowlers but ce n’est pas un chapeau.”
-Rene Magritte
Clean sheet for Lloris! Woooo
I pay for 1Password and it’s worth it. It also serves as a 2FA authenticator.
<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>sorry if this is like dork shit but if you're not using a password manager you are fuckin up. and adding an exclamation point to the end of your old password wont save your ass either. it'll suck for a week but then you'll be used to it and it's fine. thank you</p>— food truck drove away with my debit card (@fart) <a href=”https://twitter.com/fart/status/1328956025727234051?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>November 18, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>
This. I use LastPass and Authy. 2FA is essential these days.
I got locked out of Authy when I set up my new phone because I forgot the password (the irony). It works on my old one, though, which I just found after six months. I switched everything over somehow, so I’m not sure what to do with anything now.
Something like that happened to me, I think I ended up being able to reset everything through email with only 1 factor, which made me doubt the security of the whole setup. How am I supposed to protect my Bass Pro Shop points!?
They have a password manager already set up on our work computers because we have to change them so often using onerous formulae.
Don’t fall behind government bureaucrats.
Thanks for this. Prob something I should be doing for the whole family
Definitely
I just use drowssaP as my password. Oh, shit!
Gordon Hayward’s porno ‘stache just got paid 120 million to get injured while playing for the Hornets.
https://www.tsn.ca/report-charlotte-hornets-add-gordon-hayward-on-120m-deal-1.1554870
Jenny Taft’s fall attire is sensible and affordable. That is all.
I CALL THIS MAN CITY TEAM ‘KENNETH PINYAN’ BECAUSE THEY’RE SUCKING HORSE COCK!
When my son played high school baseball his coach used to tell the kids that they should do everything they could to attract college attention and make “his” program look good.
My so told him that he (son) already had a scholarship offer from Vanderbilt (he absolutely did not), so he didn’t have to worry about it. So me, being an asshole, ordered a Vanderbilt shirt and hat and put his coaches return address on it, then included a congratulations message from his coach written in the kind of cliches that coaches, especially his, love.
I had him until he saw that the receipt had my information on it.
Love your sense of humour. Me and my buds would ‘troll’ each other back in the day (long before the term became common) by inserting deliberately dumb observations/questions into normal conversations just to see if someone responded seriously/bit on the bait. After a year or so it became incredibly sophisticated because everyone was on their guard.*
*hmmm, seems like I didn’t have a life back then also
Indiana frantically changing their name to “Clemson” in order to get this play overturned.
[Old ref suffers painful leg injury while doing nothing out of the ordinary]
Me: “Been there. Heal up soon, brother.”
Spirit Animal! My right knee has been fucked up all week, after an unfortunate yawn/stretch combo waking up on Monday.
/Horatio’s bursitis nods knowingly
//Horatio falls over
Getting old – it (arguably) beats the alternative. That’s all I have nice to say about it.
This is why the lord baby jeebus gave us marijuana.
[sues lord baby jeebus]
-Mother Nature
BLEERGH ded.
Pretty sure OSU is gonna win but game script favors Indy. (despite the score right now as I’m typing)
IU is gonna fall apart, they can’t keep pace and OSU knows it
this game matches all the rest of this slate (i.e., is muy terible)
I think the D (which looks legit) needs at least 3 more turnovers in order to keep the Flyovers in the game. Penix has been exposed though.
IU D or OSU D?
told ya!
They have absolutely no ‘big game’ experience. Unless they have a huge senior class, things be looking up next year.
Osu looking gravy-sluggish, clumsy and very red; wait, the Indiana is rubbing off on them!
Luckily there’s a vaccine for that.*
*that will track your every movement, unlike your phone
Don’t forget make you retar…. – Jenny M., Beverly Hills, CA
Penix tried to overthrow his guy on a bomb but the wr was having none of it.