What I am trying to say here is FUCK 2020. It’s bringing the worst out of me, or should I say it’s unleashing the Leasts. And while it would be simple lazy the correct answer to just throw down Trump for every one of these or, if we’re being political about it, the Bears offense. Let’s pretend these are not the only right answers and saddle up.

First Circle (Limbo) – All of us, each and every one of us living right now in this world. We are all living under the sword of Damocles. We are baking bread like maniacs, shaving our heads, growing our beards, and that’s just the womenfolk. We are fighting for our lives physically and metaphorically, and the only bright side at the end of the tunnel is Joe F’ing Biden, and most people still think that’s a freight train coming our way.

Second Circle (Lust) – The dumpster fire of the NFC East, while it seems like a new fire, is the same fire burning for the past few years. We didn’t start it, but while it’s doing little for the NFL, it’s at least a friendly cozy fire to pull up to watch and roast some marshmallows and make some smores. The trash burning adds a little flavor. Add TB12 packing up and getting his super-secret bonuses paid by someone else. TB12 is a fake company so that football clubs can pay him for consulting fees and buy his Gweneth Paltrow Goop for sports bros in bulk but sign him for the lowest possible rate for his on the field services. If some rube buys his overpriced snake oil, then that’s gravy. A Cam Newton led Patriots with Lord Grumble still there… I grew up for a few years in Dedham. Mass and I loved the Drew Bledsoe, Curtis Martin & Ben Coates Patriots. Then Brady came in like he was Super Cena, and the underdog glint was lost. There was no struggle, and now they are in the middle of the pack… games aren’t just going to be given to them? What? Wow, I am more confused than your aunt is about Elliot Page (btw, good for him, you do you, bro).

Third Circle (Gluttony) – The world shuts down, and everyone starts ordering shit to be delivered. Amazon pays its employees to pack and deliver those packages like shit and fire them if they try to take one. Instant Cart, Uber Eats, and what other stupid delivery service makes their non-employees brave the plague-filled world with no health care for pennies on the dollar they make themselves after you take into account the gas the drivers have to pay and the wear on their cars. Also, Murtle the Turtle is sitting on relief bills because he wants companies to get a waiver for putting employees’ health at risk, like Publix, who told employees in Florida they were not allowed to wear a mask. An employee got Covid and died. The family is now suing them for $100MM.

Fourth Circle (Greed) – The lesser footy-football teams play right now; games are getting canceled and moved around and strong-armed into playing. Is it for the kids? No, it’s for that sweet-sweet commercial and bowl money. Don’t worry; we don’t know how even mild cases can have long-term effects on players’ health. Sure you can believe future used car dealership owner Trevor Lawrence wants to play because of “the love of the game” vs. “I don’t want to lose 20MM off my soon $170MM rookie contract because no one played for a year for health reasons”. But the average player is putting his and his families health and life at risk so ‘Bama can make another billion dollars and give that same player no real education because the practice schedule means they can only go for a communications degree because the classes are all between 10am and 2pm and pay low tier near Division 2 teams like Mississippi State or Vandy to lose to them like their name was Peter McNeely U to maintain an inflated record so they can play for a championship.

Fifth Circle (Anger) – WEAR A DAMN MASK. THIS SHIT WOULD BE OVER RIGHT NOW IF FOLKS WORE A MASK AND STAYED INSIDE FOR A FEW WEEKS. SOME SAY ITS A DEATH CULT. NO IM PRETTY SURE THEY ARE THE SAME ASSHOLES WHO ARE TRYING TO GET ISREAL AND PALESTINE TO ERUPT IN ARMAGEDDON BECAUSE IN THEIR EYES IT BRINGS US ONE STEP CLOSER TO JESUS COMING BACK AND THERE JESUS IS TRUMP BECAUSE THEY BOTH SPENT TIME WITH PROSTITUTES?

Sixth Circle (Heresy) – The celebs singing Imagine. Look, it’s not that great of a song, and it was ghostwritten by Forrest Gump. The only acceptable version of it by A Perfect Circle because they embrace the true meaning behind it as a nihilistic view of a world coming together for a brief moment right before the world comes to a crashing end. Way to cheer us up, Wonder Woman. I guess we should just be happy that Jimmy Fallon was sober enough to slur his way through it? It’s the small victories in life that count.

Seventh Circle (Violence) – Me. Look, I understand this year has sucked, and it’s been rough, and I hate raining on others’ parade and how they gather a small glimpse of happiness. If you want to put up Christmas decorations in July, do it. There are no rules anymore. However, if you post one more “2020 Bingo Card” meme, and I am preemptively telling you when if February/March comes along, you even think about posting “2020 SUCKS SO BAD ITS 13-14 MONTHS LONG.” I will hunt you down and make you regret it by committing an act of violence so heinous you will BEG me to watch Carlos Mencia do stand-up instead.

Eighth Circle (Fraud) – Jared Kushner, a New York native, was sitting on Trump’s shoulders like Iago the Parrot (hey don’t you dare push up those “well actually” glasses just because you watched O with Josh Hartnett and want to be all Shakespearian) telling him that well Covid is only affecting Blue states so no need to act. We are in a world of hell, and the rest of the world is banning us from coming to their countries because “Well, the only ones getting sick when it started voted democrat.”

Ninth Circle (Treachery) – Trump, Goodell…

…and the Chicago Bears Offense

So how are y’all doing?