Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 13, #NuAIDS Season

Greetings and salutations, Imaginary Friends!  I hope all of you got that fantasy playoffs-calibre performance (or strategic fuckups elsewhere) that y’all needed.

To that end – God bless Taysom Hill!  Though I wasn’t super happy with his “empty hand” Q4 fumble (which Sherman’s Ashes almost turned into a manic comeback) – but overall, he was very good.  Certainly better than Hippo (or Sean Payton) had any right to expect.  But tis the Saints defense that is the real unsung hero, as they slog forward to the inevitable #1 seed in the NFC.  21-16, fin.

Like they always say in FITBAW – momentum is tomorrow’s starting pitcher.  Fresh off an absolute defenestration of the Humps in the Gravy Dome?  DonT’s Glorious Tits got shitcanned.  At home.  To #ThePauls!  I had written Believeland off as complete pretenders, but the fuckers are 9-3 now.  Persistent like herpes, those.  It was 38-7 at the fucking half, but loads of Tanny Fanny garbage time cut the final margin to 41-35.  For a December fixture, this was just shockingly bad for el Tractorcito.

Those defenestrated Humps?  Just managed to hold on to beat the 500s, 26-20.  Houston was inside the 2, with the clock approaching 1:00.  I was just wondering whether Indy should let them score to have a chance on offense…when a bad snap turned the ball over and sent DonT back to his ciggies.  Not pretty, but Indy is back in first.

I noticed very, very little of Chi****/Detroit, with Th’Andre Swift inactive.  Every time the score showed up, it seemed like the no-Fuck Lions were down 10 or so.  But our intrepid Bollo del Verdad was on the pitch, and shit it late he did.  Fumbling inside his own 15, allowing DET an easy path to the go-ahead score.  Theirs is a USFL defense, so naturally CHI got near the 20 in record time.  But they curiously ran the ball on 4th and 2, and failed.  They only had the one timeout, so you would have been looking at 1 or 2 shots to the end zone, regardless.  Why be so concerned about “moving the sticks?”  Get down the field, jackasses.  But Bearistocrats! do as they do, and fall by a 34-30 final.

There were sooooooo many slap fights in MIA/CIN.  Which is good, as it took away from the “action” on the “field.”  Tua was fairly cromulent, despite being fairly crap in the red zone.  Brandon Allen…was still Brandon Allen.  One long TD aside (all Tyler Boyd’s doing), the Bungles did fuckall on offense.  LOLfins have a good kicker of placements, which would get them an ugly-as-sin 19-7 victory.  Fishy playoffs, one week closer to reality.

Dingleberry and the Vikings had no business winning this game.  Home to the 1-win, giraffe-led Jaguras, and they kept shooting themselves in the dick.  Foremost among these occurrences, a pick-six-erception early in Q3.  Glennon even got his charges into the end zone, plus the 2-pointer to send things to OT.  Each team missed a really long FG in the last 25 seconds, which was kind of fun.  JAX had one excellent defensive series in them, but special teams BLEERGH and a Glennon pick broke their back.  Minny got close enough for a FG that even Dan Bailey couldn’t miss.  27-24, and SKOL could make the playoffs.  Jeebus, this year.

Speaking of one win, this was the Jest’ week to get theirs.  They had the game won, multiple times.  After a 2nd 4th down stop (first wiped out by BLEERGH), they had the ball and a 28-24 lead.  Sure, they had to punt, but 35 seconds and no timeouts for Emo Carr?  But Gangrene had single coverage (somehow) deep on a fly route…which Carr overthrew.  Down to 13 ticks.  Good Lord, bullet dodged.  Or not, as they go with the same insane coverage again the next play, the corner bit on the stutter step, pitch and catch for the 46-yard game winner.  31-28, Vegas.  Another squadron that will likely muck up the joy of playoff viewing.  And here I was, all excited to write up a TE going off for 200 yards and LOSING.  Which Darren Waller should have accomplished.  BLECH.  Can you tell this is a Bitter Donks Fan dreading SNF??

I don’t know how The Shield manages to get all of its dreck into the late window, 4 weeks out of 5.  But fuck-a-doo, it sure was dreck this week.  FOUR GAMES OF IT!  Nothing says Clippers du Merde like lining up before half to attempt a 58-yard FG.  Down 21-nil.  With a shitty kicker.  Anyway, the P*ts blocked it and ran it back, for a 28-zip halftime margin.  Good thing there are no fans to see it, though as we all know, that’s nothing to do with #NuAIDS.  Grumblelord will be boning ALL THE MILFS tonight.  45-nil, and it would have been worse had the Dark One wanted same.  Their white punt returner even got a garbage score ON OFFENSE (to match his special teams score).

That sound y’all heard?  Wasn’t your cat or dog puking on the carpet, ’twas the air going out of the Koach Kliff and Kyler boomlet.  A Q4 pick 6 was the final nail in the coffin, and very much appreciated in DFO fantasy FITBAW.  38-28 (stupid Qards garbageDOWN), we know that’s how u RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!  Yeah!

Bay of Green was beating the monkeyfuck out of Philly, all dusk long.  Down 23-3, Pedersen finally yanked Dakota Jeebus.  In the blink of an eye, the margin shrank like a cold pool weenie, to 23-16 (doinked extra point after a punt return TD).  A.A. Ron went 3 and out, with almost 5 minutes left on the clock.  But they could do nothing with it, and Jones sealed the win (and my playoffs-less fate) with a 77-yard rushing score.  Was so beastly that Rodgers even pretended to like him.

Petey’s SeaTruthers were fast asleep this weekend, and it finally caught up to them.  Say what you will about My NAME is JUDGE!…but his team shows up and fights, every week.  They went on the road, with Colt McCoy quartered backing (his passing line was even worse than one might imagine) – and won.  17-12.  Wow, just wow.  Y’all suck.  That’s 4 on the spin for the NFC Special Needs Division leaders!  No shit!!

All right, I guess we have to talk about this wretched SNF affair.  NBC couldn’t even bother flexing out of this snuff film, so Hippo could go to bed?  Pfffttttt.  Let it be said that Denver (much like the 86 P*ts in the Owl) once led 3-nil.  And the first Chefs offensive series was a 3 and out!  No, I don’t want to talk about the series to end Q2.  Certainly nothing after that.