Your Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

Let’s jump right in.

Fallout:

-Jalen Hurts has been announced as the Eagles starter next week. Funny how a bit of mobility upends a D that had a playbook predicated on blitzing the hell out of Wentz. Carson was the most sacked qb in the league when he was pulled. Hurts wasn’t sacked once and averaged 11 yards per scramble. He missed a few wide-open guys but Wentz was doing that anyway. At least this rook brings ‘watchability’ back to the position again. Any Eagles fans that screamed bloody murder when he was drafted care to backpedal?

-Guenther gone. The Raiders Defensive Coordinator (in name only) was in charge of a unit that had surrendered 29 more points than the 4-9 Chargers, including an average of 32.5 over the last four (1-3) games.

-Team is now fronting the most entertaining, fascinating and incompetent division in the NFL. It’s going to go down to the wire in the same way that “The Upper Class Twit of the Year” race did.

-Thank You For Being A Friend, is what I hoped Hassan Reddick tweeted to Danny Dimes after the former finished with 5 sacks and 3 fumble recoveries.

-[grumbles under breath] Stupid rook rb’s are finally getting their shit together after languishing on various benches. (in the league and fantasy) Jonathan Taylor and Cam Akers had themselves games yesterday and I’m sure Dobbins will bring the thunder tonight. [“sons a bitches”]

TO THE GAME!

Ravens/Browns:

-This won’t settle anything in the division but if the Ravens win they can muddy the picture a bit and if the Browns get the W they’re but one game behind the faltering, run game-less Steelers.

-Ravens will bring the heat because that’s what they do and because Mayfield struggles mightily in that scenario. Of the 32 qb’s with the most playing time Mayfield is ranked 31st and he’s had a 21-39 for 189 (1-1) line vs the Ravens and a 10-18, 119 (1-2) line vs the Steelers.

-Kareem Hunt is slowly being phased out of both the run and pass game as the season progresses. The under on his prop bet 46.5 rushing total looks tasty.

-If Marquise Brown is in your lineup things are looking good. He’s scored in 2 straight games and had the most receiving yards this year vs the Browns

-The Ravens Brandon Williams is back and he is essential to the Ravens run D. With him playing no team has gained more than 150 yards. When he’s been out the D has given up 194, 173 and 173.

-Also keep an eye on te Andrews if he’s a go. The Browns have given up 10(!) TD’s to opposing tight ends.

Make with the wheezing sounds and the jibber jabber, why don’t ya.

 

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Viva La Tabula Raza

FUCK!!!!

Recovery Whiskey

Cleveland Coug’d it

Gumbygirl

Yesssss!

hippofant

What if Justin Tucker also needs to poop though?

Brocky

remember the kick 6?

Last edited 3 years ago by Brocky
Brocky

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litre_cola

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Redshirt

You can hear the crowd going “Oh crap.”

Horatio Cornblower

They’re hoping Lamar suddenly thinks the same thing.

Mr. Ayo

PLAY THE BROWN NOTE!

Redshirt

This game is canceling out the NyQuil I took.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m glad the Browns are having some success, but can you imagine if the Jets had taken Mayfield, like they should have?

He would own New York.

Assuming, of course, that the Jets didn’t ruin him, which is probably the more likely outcome.

The Maestro

The Jets would have ruined Jesus Himself if they’d drafted Him to play QB.

Last edited 3 years ago by The Maestro
clint greasewood

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Recovery Whiskey

And now, Parkey

Horatio Cornblower

I thought the Make-A-Wish kids only got one time on the field?

The Maestro

HOLY SHIT

Horatio Cornblower

Hunt went through that tackle like it was a woman who insulted hi…

Wait, the NFL is trying to bury that narrative? Oh, never mind.

Doktor Zymm

These are the Browns? The Cleveland Football team Browns?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Lucy holding the ball for Charlie Brown.

Viva La Tabula Raza

This game is nucking futs.

Sharkbait

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Horatio Cornblower

I am so glad I remembered it was Monday night.

hippofant

Lamar Jackson really was that kid who came out late for recess and was like, “Hey guys, what’d I miss?”

litre_cola

If ThePauls score, do you go for 2?

Mr. Ayo

Why not? The shitbirds aren’t stopping anything. And there’s way too much time left for LAMAR!

Horatio Cornblower

I think you do now. 1:04 is way too much time for Lamar!

litre_cola

This has been the most entertaining game all season.

Horatio Cornblower

It’s like I’m watching The Catholic Channel.

The Maestro

This game fucks.

SonOfSpam

HARD

clint greasewood

What are the analytics on mid-game poops?

Horatio Cornblower

Sphincter Strength is gonna be a new measurable at the Combine

The Maestro

Like with most deep throws, proper placement is key for success.

Doktor Zymm

Browns players take 32% less time to shit than players on other teams, as the unis hide signs of leakage

hippofant

I thought that’s what a Brown was.

Viva La Tabula Raza

No need to wipe!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Guess we’ll see if Brownies have reached “the next level”

Doktor Zymm

So who had the over on 70 points?

Horatio Cornblower

Lamar Jackson, probably.

Brocky

Radio commentator: Kurt Warner would you do down 1 point at the two minute warning?

ravens score 40 year field goal

Kurt Warner: i was gonna say, do that!

hippofant

What the ever-fucking-hell is going on in this game?!

Mr. Ayo

Are we sure one these teams aren’t the Seahawks in disguise?

hippofant

Maybe they’re both the Seahawks.

SonOfSpam

They are playing hard (heh) and entertaining us.

Weird.

SonOfSpam

Browns’ safeties:

I know, let’s SAY GOODBYE TO HOLLYWOOD

Recovery Whiskey

Easy button

Horatio Cornblower

That is bananacakes.

Recovery Whiskey

Wait a minute is that Lamar Jackson’s music?

Mr. Ayo

That was a long shit.

Viva La Tabula Raza

They just put a cork in his butthole.

Horatio Cornblower

Lamar’s back!
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litre_cola

If Lamar would have gone to BYU and had them majik underpants this wouldn’t be a problem.

Mr. Ayo

Emergency QB time!

Recovery Whiskey

Lamar is in the bathroom with the shits yea?

Mr. Ayo

That’s the rumor. But he’s been out a while.

Maybe they don’t have his backup pants ready.

clint greasewood

Bad crab cakes

The Maestro

Since a Pats playoff run appears evermore unlikely, I’m going all in on a Believeland SB run this year.

Cecil Rhodes

Is that you, Bill Belichick?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, it was his first head coaching job. Maybe he’s got a sentimental streak that he hides from the rest of us.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’m gonna root for anyone coming out of the AFC except KC or PIT.

Doktor Zymm

I want a wild card v. wild card Owl

Viva La Tabula Raza

Lowest seed vs lowest seed.

Doktor Zymm

Yes! Even better since there’s the extra slot this year, so it’s teams that wouldn’t even have made the playoffs in a normal year

Doktor Zymm
Doktor Zymm

Damn

Viva La Tabula Raza

What the fuck is a “catch radius”?

Horatio Cornblower

I think it’s one of them new-fangled things that basically boils down to ‘reach’

Recovery Whiskey

Something else they can grade down for at the combine

Viva La Tabula Raza

Are you one of them sciencey guys?

Horatio Cornblower

The Browns are going to make it to the AFC title game and be on the 1 yard line, with a first down and needing nought but a FG to beat the hated Steelers to go to their first ever Superb Owl, and then Godzilla is going to rise out of Lake Erie and incinerate everything.

Calling it now.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So, 2021 is going to start out as a continuation of 2020.

Horatio Cornblower

No, better, because Godzilla is going to destroy Cleveland.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Viva La Tabula Raza

Sadness Factory, Duvals, 500s, FuckLions. 4 teams that have never been to the SB. I would love to see Cleveland cut that number by 25%.

Horatio Cornblower

Fittingly, Chubb is a semi version of Henry.

Cecil Rhodes

What’s Freddie Kitchens up to these days? Riding the rails with Jim Tomsula?

Viva La Tabula Raza

What kind of rails?comment image

Horatio Cornblower

I absolutely forgot tonight was Monday and just flipped the game on about 10 minutes ago.

It appears I’ve missed a surprisingly good game.

Sharkbait

This is turning out to be rather entertaining

litre_cola

That is my usual evening.

Mr. Ayo

Well this game is decidedly less interesting with LAMAR! on the shitter.

Recovery Whiskey

Well now that you’re here don’t F it up

Recovery Whiskey

McSorley in white shoes though

Cecil Rhodes

Gloreeee Boy.

The Maestro

That was an incredibly Browns way to score a TD.

SonOfSpam

LAMAR! needs Midol so Tracy will cheer instead.