Did y’all have a most lovely and festive Plaguemas weekend?  I surely do hope so.

[Closed captions for the Hard-of-Hippo provided by the Church of the Immaculate Deception, Rev. E. Mayhem presiding]

One also hopes that Son de Clem’s Prison Girlfriend [Trevo(u)r Lawrence) didn’t have Noo Yawk on his mind.  [Only as a source of anxiety]  Though frankly, he/she looks like he/she was born to flourish in Northern Florida. [I dunno- that hair looks like it might frizz the fuck out in the Swamp]

That’s right, if you were under a rock for the holidays, perhaps you didn’t hear.  The runaway freight train Jest are on a 2-game winning streak!  [AN OBJECT AT REST CANNOT BE STOPPED!!!]  It only took the entire WR unit of #ThePauls [Cleveland] getting #NuAIDS-listed, plus two Tiny Hands [Baker “I Woke Up Feeling Dangerously Underqualified” Mayfield] fumbles on the last two Believeland drives.  Thanks to that pitch-shitting, CLE now needs a win over the Yinzers [Pittsburgh] (likely resting starters) and maybe some help (some of the tiebreakers confuse me, I am old).  Otherwise, they’ll be the 10 or 11-win AFC squadron left crying at home for the big dance.  [BWAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA] 23-16 is your final, each placement kicker missing an extra point.  Fucking hilarious.

And you know what?  Touch of Downs [Sam Darnold] largely played…reasonably well.  Perhaps management will pay him an extra page of stickers this week!

Other weird shit happened. but The Giraffe [Mike Glennon] and his Jagura pals…well, they played to expectations.  Bollo [Mitch Trubisky] finally quit doing ridiculous things to keep things ‘close’ – and the Bearistocrats! won it going away, 41-17.  Talk about a cokehead-calibre rollercoaster of a season – Chi**** started 5-1, lost SIX IN A ROW (per knows-about-cokeheadedness RedZone Guy, this would be the first time any team ever had a 6-game losing streak and still made the playoffs), now three wins on the spin have them in the catbirds’ seat for the 7 seed.  [Washington’s new nickname should be the Catbirds] Because the NFC is uber-imbalanced, even beyond the Special Needs Division.  Shit, they could even squeak in at 8-8, if they (and the Qards) lose next week.  Oh, and that 6-gamer included a HOME LOSS TO DETROIT. [Automatic disqualification, potential grounds for relegation to the ACC]

Surprisingly, the best game of the early window – as long as one does not enjoy defensing – was the meaningless Bungles/500s tilt.  [Cincinnati-Houston].  Proving that any hobo off the street can succeed against that imaginary defense, Brandon Allen went for 371 and two scores.  BRANDON ALLEN!!  [Brandon,,,Allen?]  That was enough to hang on for a back-and-forth, 37-31 road win.  Cincy’s first such achievement of 2020.  Also, that Most Glorious Draw against Philly?  Means that CIN goes from the 3rd to the 6th overall pick, missing a possible generational LT (that guy from Oregon) in the progress!  Keep up with your new pill habit, Mr. Burrow.  You gonna need it.

The Ben and palz needed lots of help to dig out of a 24-7 hole (PHRASING) [your mom?] at home to the Humps [Colts].  Fortunately, King Laserface [Phillip Rivers] and the zebras complied, and the final tally was 28-24.  Turns out, PIT didn’t even need the win (CLE’s loss cemented the division title), but I doubt they would have been as amused by following their 11-game win streak with 4 (or even 5) straight Ls down the stretch.  [I would have been though]  Anyway, this is a team with a borken QB, no running game, and an above-average (but NAWT ELITE) defensing unit.  They are boned in January.  Lump in Indy with BAL, MIA, and CLE fighting for those 3 precious wild cards.  Is like musical chairs, really.  Not sure the Humps have much of a January prognosis, either.  They can run a bit, but Old Man Rivers playing outdoors in winter conditions will be a Very Sad Thing.

Balmer’s beloved Ratbirds have been shit-hot of late, and even their B- effort was enough for a very convincing 27-13 over Joisey A.  [Giants, apparently]  SPOILER ALERT!  I think the 5-10 Gigantes are still somehow alive for the division.  2020, y’all.  It’s a Thing that Happened.  #ThePauls losing put BAL back in charge of their own destiny, and I assure you nobody wants to face them in January. [You also don’t want to turn your back on a Raven in January, especially if they have a knife].

Sherman’s Ashes [Atlanta Falcons] went on what seemed a hopeless trip to Western Missour-ah…but the Chefs looked awfully mediocre.  ATL even managed a 14-10 LEAD with under 5 to play. [First mistake] Predictably, KC scored a response TD quite easily (well, aside from the dropped end zone pickerception which would have sealed it).  Predictably, ATL got into FG range and stalled out.  Unpredictably, placement machine Younghoe was NO GOOD from 39, and KC clinches the 1 seed in the AFC.  [Doubly weeeeeeeak]  Likely, they rest starters – but it kind of looks like they could use some extra homework.  Matty Ice, just good enough to lose with, week in, week out.

Late window!  Can we please not mention Hippo’s Donks, and their “effort” in not-SD/not-Carson?

OK, I guess they didn’t give up, but would have been nice if they showed up for the first three quarters of action.  Somehow, Denver did tie things up at 16 before capitulating for the winning placement.  Hippo does not abide losing to the Clippers du Merde.

How bad is Dwayne Haskins?  Well….he got benched for Fresh Off The Practice Squad Tyler Heinecke.  Is that even a real person?  [Totally a Madden autogenerated player]  Anyway, the Black Panthers blitzed out to a 20-3 lead, and let the defense churn the game into dust.  This fine effort means we will not suffer the indignity of a .500 or better Special Needs Division winner.  [Praise Jeebus!]  Heinecke almost led his charges to the lonely end zone (before garbage time), but alas, they were holding on the play.  20-13 it is, regardless.  Because garbage time is a thing.  Chase Young continues to be an absolute monster, but he’s just one guy.

That sound you heard?  Maybe some air leaking out of the Jalen Hurts balloon.  We would have had the chance at a 6-9-1 playoff squadron, but the stupid Non-Gendereds [Dallas] had to show up for once, and ruin our fun.  After Q1, DAL’s defense just smothered Philly [in cheez whiz].  We could have had some late drama, but a very questionable fumble call somehow stood after VAR time.  37-17 (garbage time TD for N-GCp) arguably a fair result, though.  So, the NYG/DAL winner is in the playoffs, if ded Philly beats the ‘Dacteds at home.[This is all we deserve…]

Should the “first half of season” SeaTruther offense return to join up the “second half of season” Truther D?  We’d have another real contender in the NFC.  Otherwise, they’ll have to settle for yet another NFC West title.  Anyway, Baby Buster [Jared Goff] continued crawling into a ball the way his mother/Milford taught him.

RRRRRRRRRRAM IT! now need a Week 17 win against the Qards, unless Chi**** loses to the Packers.  But they’re doing fuckall in the playoffs, regardless.  20-9 is your final.

That leaves Sunday Night, and what a great final matchup!  El Tractorcito!  A.A. Ron!  Fookin’ SNOW!!!  Then the actual game kicked off, and it was kind of a wet fart.  Maybe the Humps losing reduced some of the urgency for DonT’s Magnificent Tits.  After the 2nd Packers TD, I kind of stopped caring, and only watched the snow a bit longer.  [You didn’t miss much.  AJ Dillon doing the Lambeau Leap into empty stands.  Davante Adams humiliating Tits like an NFL Cheerleading Coach.  Derrick Henry getting held under 100 yards for only the …huh…6th time this season. That’s unexpected. 40-14 final score]

[Tune in tomorrow for the Most Glorious Football Bills’ humiliation of the nothing-to-play-for New England P*triots.  Of course, this being 2020 and Bill Belichick, I assume Josh Allen’s knee ligaments will all be turned into cottage cheese by black magic.