Eventual Balls Thoughts XL

We are once again BACK to recapping the best comments of the week!

As a reminder, this post will cover comments made up to and through the Saturday Night Open Thread. Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

***

DFO Comments O’ The Week!

And now, Senor reacts reasonably.

You fucking cocks, of course you won a game. I said you didn’t deserve the all-time infamy of 0-16 because for fuck’s sake, it’s the Jets, it would be 50+ years worth of infamy bottled up in one, and the suffering must be drawn out eternally. With Fields to raze and make barren in the next four years instead of Lawrence. The beatings must continue, not until morale improve, but until the inevitable heat-death of the fucking universe. If they win one of the last two imagine they find a way to bring Gase back. Because fuck, why not, right?

In conclusion, death, taxes, infinite fucking Jets.

Senor Weaselo

***

h/t Gumbygirl

Little Johnny = Future DFO Commenter

Dunstan

***

h/t Sharkbait

***

I, for one, remain hating the Steelers more than any other team. I genuinely hope that Ben trips on a key first down and ends up tearing both quads as he falls into a pit of hungry vipers.

The Maestro

It would’ve been a Sarlacc pit but the last guy who fell in there survived, somehow.

Senor Weaselo
Horatio

***

That hit on JuJu was my Christmas present. Also, I jizzed my pants after it. Fucking dickhead.

JJFozz

Wouldn’t that be you jizzjizzed your pants?

Litre_cola

***

I’m enjoying this game so far, but history tells me Pittsburgh’s gonna wake up grumpy and angry.

Redshirt

Come on tie

Game Time Decision

[runs in with ziploc bag]

-Linda Tripp

Fronkenshteen

***

That bridge sure is pretty. Too bad it leads to Kentucky.

Gumbygirl

It also leads away from Kentucky.

Mr. Ayo

I believe it’s been re-named “Schrodinger’s Bridge”.

scotchnaut

***

Wait…I drink 12 beers, a fifth of scot, grind a hand full of oxycotins into my lip, and snort four lines of coke.

Its 17-0 Bengals?!?

Why do I not do this every night?!?!?!?!?

Just Stop Dude

***

Alright, let see if this dream gets the Sexually Curious Cheerleading Bus ending or the naked in high school on a cold day ending.

Redshirt
Just Stop Dude

***

“You just know Ben Rothlisberger is never gonna give up…”

Yes, I have heard he has that reputation.

Horatio

***

I guess Tomlin gave his team the old “Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor?” speech at halftime.

Viva La Tabula Raza

More like, “You shitheads keep this up, I’ll have your families disappeared.”

WCS

Aaron Rodgers immediately asks to be traded to Pittsburgh.

Horatio

***

Billy Blanks in a commercial? Is it the late ‘90s?

scotchnaut

Tae Bow (boe? Bo? How do you spell that shit?) always seemed like it might be fun if you bought the punching bag.

TheRevanchist

This is true:

My mom was seriously into Tae Bo in the late ’90s. Some creep tried to advance on her when her and my aunt were in a bar. My mom put the guy in the hospital with a broken nose and bruised ribs.

WCS

It still hurts when I take a deep brea…

I mean, wait, what?

Horatio

***

h/t Don T

***

I bet they use those ears like the handles on a handheld buffer, to polish their pearl as long as possible.

ArmedandHammered

***

h/t Gumbygirl

***

The Dr. Mrs. was wearing very short shorts when we walked the dog this evening and I accused her (not joking) of having forgotten to put on pants.

I told her the folks here would be chanting “one of us, one of us” had that indeed been the case.

RTD

*not going to ask for pics this time

*think less pervy thoughts

So, you got any home movies of that you want to share? I bet it’s hilarious!

TheRevanchist

***

Mrs Sharkbait and I both lost in the semi finals, so now we face each other for 3rd place. I am disappoint.

Sharkbait

Well, now you know how she feels.

/rim shot

Horatio

Winner gets anal from the loser?

SonOfSpam

Thankfully I have Patrick Mahomes then

Sharkbait

So ketchup as lube then?

Senor Weaselo

***

  • Die Hard
  • Die Hard with a Vengeance
  • Live Free or Die Hard
  • Die Hard 2
  • Bruce Willis’s Die Hard Battery Commercial (Die Hard in a Commercial)
  • Speed (Die Hard on a Bus)
  • Air Force One (Die Hard on Air Force One)
  • The Rock (Die Hard in Alcatraz)
  • Con Air (Die Hard on a Prisoner Transport Plane)
  • Under Siege (Die Hard on a Battleship)
  • Gremlins 2: The New Batch (Die Hard with Gremlins)
  • Olympus Has Fallen (Die Hard in the White House)
  • White House Down (Die Hard in the White House 2: White Houser)
  • Crimson Tide (Die Hard on a Submarine)
  • The Hunt for Red October (Крепкий орешек на подводной лодке)
  • Dredd (Die Hard in an Apartment Building)
  • Home Alone (Die Hard in Your House)
  • Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (Die Hard in a Relative’s House)
  • Star Trek Episode “Space Seed” (Die Hard on the U.S.S. Enterprise. No Bloody A, B, C or D)
  • Star Trek: The Next Generation Episode “Starship Mine” (Die Hard on the U.S.S Enterprise-D)
  • Star Trek: The Next Generation Episode “Rascals” (Die Hard on the U.S.S. Enterprise-D, but with kids!)
  • Star Trek: The Next Generation Episode “Timescape” (Die Hard in a Temporal Anomaly)
  • Star Trek: First Contact (Die Hard on the U.S.S. Enterprise-E)
  • Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Episode “Civil Defense” (Die Hard on Bajoran Space Station Deep Space 9)
  • Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Season 6 Episodes 1-6 (Die Hard on Cardassian Space Station Terok Nor)
  • Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Episode “Empok Nor” (Die Hard on Cardassian Space Station Empok Nor)
  • Star Trek: Deep Space Nine Episode “The Adversary” (Die Hard on the U.S.S. Defiant)
  • Star Trek Deep Space Nine Episode “One Little Ship” (Die Hard on the U.S.S. Defiant in the U.S.S. Rubicon)
  • Star Trek: Voyager Episode “Message in a Bottle” (Die Hard on the U.S.S. Prometheus)
  • Star Trek: Voyager Episode “Basics, Part II” (Die Hard on the U.S.S. Voyager)
  • Star Trek: Voyager Episode “Macrocosm” (Die Hard on the U.S.S. Voyager 2: Die Voyagerer)
  • Star Trek: Voyager Episode “The Killing Game” (Die Hard on the U.S.S. Voyager with a Vengeance)
  • Star Trek: Voyager Episode “The Thaw” (Die Hard in a Shared Dream)
  • John Wick (Die Hard on a Puppy’s Grave)

…and that’s all I can think of at the moment. Too bad they didn’t make a 5th Die Hard movie that I’m willing to watch and/or acknowledge. Oh, well.

Redshirt

***

(He can’t hear you…he’s hitting on a 7-11 clerk in the afterlife)

SonOfSpam

***

h/t Brocky

***

I’m quite certain that those 3 gun shots that I just heard were celebratory and not retaliatory. It being Christmas and all.

Yeah Right

***

As for the TWBS trophy, what type of liquor do you both prefer?

Litre_cola

It’s for tWBS, so something aged inappropriately that ends badly.

Horatio

***

h/t BFC

***

“Merry Christmas, Scotchy!” – Gumbygirl

***

found a funny:

me: why are you wearing a scarf?

frosty: to keep me warm

me: that doesn’t make any sense

frosty: buddy none of this does

rockingdog

***

h/t Brocky

***

Scotchy just had a busy Xmas. You know how it goes:

The hobos were hung/

By the chimney with care/

Some by their feet/

And some by their hair

Horatio

***

I would like to arrange a wager with a bookmaker whereby I bet $5,000 that the Jets go 100 seasons (1969-2069) without winning a Super Bowl. We’d establish the odds and rules regarding catastrophic events which would render the bet null & void. Then I’d somehow will the bet to my sons without their knowledge of its existence unless it wins. What a lovely windfall that would be for them.

Fronkenshteen

***

“Get to midfield, shit pants” strategy looking GREAT

King Hippo

I’m so stoned I just spent five minutes wondering which player has the nickname “shit pants”.

Fronkenshteen

***

Only a few more hours til the Cure Bowl.

But I don’t care if you don’t.

SonOfSpam

***

If the NFL is only on Prime does it count in the standings. Maybe in two days? Is it going to get stolen from the porch?

Recovery Whiskey

If it does get stolen from the porch, no doubt the NFL will blame it on Kaepernick.

scotchnaut

***

In an alternate timeline where Liberty is a dominant college football program, Dabo Swinney makes headlines for saying “Give me Liberty or give me death” to lobby for his team to face Liberty in a bowl game. The universe accedes by giving Dabo a haert attack*; all timelines celebrate this outcome.

*: Some of my best friends are heart attacks so I can make this joke.

herodotus450

***

I was going to make mushroom pasta tonight for dinner, but my mushrooms went bad, and I’m inordinately upset now.

hippofant
herodotus450

***

Picking a movie for later. Is The Irishman good?

Recovery Whiskey

I found it to be well made but not terribly interesting. A lot of reploughing old ground.

Dunstan

Like watching late-career Nina Hartley.

SonOfSpam

***

h/t Brocky

***

Have a wonderful week, everyone! Thanks for the funny and stay safe!

Btw, this is for Gumbygirl and WCS:

5 5 votes
Article Rating
ballsofsteelandfury
Balls somehow lost his bio and didn't realize it. He's now scrambling to write something clever and failing. He likes butts, boobs, most things that start with the letter B, and writing in the Second Person. Geelong, Toluca, Barcelona, and Steelers, in that order.
Subscribe
Notify of
25 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Unsurprised

I’m still disappointed that Redshirt’s list omitted The Raid (Mati Keras Ing Menara Apartemen)

Last edited 3 years ago by Unsurprised
Dunstan

Me: It’s sunny outside, I should sit outside and work today.
Also me: It’s too bright and sunny out here

King Hippo

Have you considered getting day drunk?

TheRevanchist

I have. But I am also at work, so I may have to hold off until Friday.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Sounds like you are taking the coward’s way out.” – Steve Keim

King Hippo

But Suicide Week ain’t until February smgdh

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We just did the Brand Park hike – not all the way up, but probably about 2/3. Our reward? This view:
comment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Our other reward? Monster Biscuits from Carl’s Jr.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

BTW not many things live up to the descriptor “monster” but those things do.

TheRevanchist

Taking my sexual harassment training. It’s one of those online trainings, where it bores you to death. I’m feeling harassed as a lazy bastard.

TheRevanchist

I need to be drunk to survive this.

Fronkenshteen

Hey champ! Once I can use my wife’s computer, I’ll email you to set up your winner’s prize payment. I’ll get on that tonight. Congratulations!!!!

TheRevanchist

Is it Twisted Tea? I heard you can beat racists with it. I plan to pick some up on the way home to try it out.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

— Melania Trump, on her wedding night and many nights thereafter

Last edited 3 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
King Hippo

If you want to cheer along with ALMIGHTY GAMBLOR, the “do a good’ sides are Arsenal, Team Knifey, and Wolves.

Sharkbait

Up the Alboin!

litre_cola

No.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love sunny mornings after rain in SoCal. There’s steam rising from EVERYTHING.

Dunstan

Also true of Bill Belichek’s head this morning.

TheRevanchist

Now that fantasy is over, what the hell am I supposed to do? Root for my team? I’m kind of at a loss here.

Sharkbait

There’s always Gambling…and pills.

*Ignites the Hippo signal

King Hippo

WAAAAYAYYYYYY ahead of you there, Imaginary Pal!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I wish there was a painkiller scandal involving Buffalo so we could refer to them as the Buffalo Pills.

Fronkenshteen

Better yet, a painkiller AND weed scandal so we could call them the Puffalo Pills.

litre_cola

If that was the case Hippo and I would lose a lot of money on that team.