Despite continued outbreaks, postponements, and cancellations (both Everton and my Shitty Wolves will be unexpectedly off this weekend) – the Premiership marches on. Sort of. But losing the fixtures I care about this weekend, and seeing the FITBAW post-season schedule get all used up…well, thunderfuck reality. It’s back to MOAR Pretend Man City than is healthy, but I am quite excite for the 2080-81 season. Most notably – despite going out on pennos in the Raging Semis last season – I am on a never-to-be-broken run of 127 FA Cup matches without defeat. HOW? You might ask – because “going out” on penalties does not qualify as a Lesser Loss. It’s still techincially a Draw, and as y’all know, technically is the best kind of correct.
I have also lost in the Shempions final two years running, and that really chaps my ass. Time to sell some fuckers, and fuck some shite up. I love pre-season!
Also just started “The Berkut” per Viva La Tabula Rosa’s recommend. Not deep into it, but can already tell it will be really good. Is nice to converse with fellow literates in our Imaginary little world.
Anyway, to today’s fixtures (5 in 4 time slots):
Nobody is setting their alarms for Wolves and Fat Sam’s Brummies (7:30, NBCSN). But raw off a home loss to THE MIGHTY BLUES of Everton, perhaps Wolves will be out for blood, and run these sad motherfuckers into the ground. FUCK SAM ALLARDYCE IN HIS MANY FUCKHOLES.
Finally, an old school(ish) 10:00 multi-match window! Leeds and Trash Birds (NBCSN) will give you quite the clash of styles. Let’s hope Madman Bielsa gets his wish, in terms of tempo. Otherwise, one is stuck with Hammers/Team White Lives Matter (Peacock), and ain’t nobody interested in that. OK, except Fronk (sorry, my Imaginary Dude, am just salty).
Spotlight Dance doesn’t interfere with NFL goodness this week, and a good thing – Litre’s Mighty Whitey get the trespassers of Chelski this week (12:30, NBC), having finally figured out a balance of defense and counter-attacking. I really do think Fulham will stay up, and honestly not messing with Dry Litre (which we all best tiptoe around). This will be a Clubhouse Derby, with Funny Finder rockingdog repping the blue side.
Finally, Foxes and Saints are streaming (3:00, Peacock). Yeah, this sounds like a bunch of guys peeing on each other. But it’s this, or NFL pre-game. Like Sophie’s Choice, if you wanted to give both kids to the Nazis.
Hopefully, we have seen the last of treasonous sedition/insurrection. Still, I want some public hangings. Because how else can we heal amirite??
The DieHard battery commercial with Bruce Willis, Samuel Jackson, and the guy that played the LAPD guy Sgt Lewis is pretty cool.
SillyCuse lost an easily winnable game yet again today. Nose-Picker-in-Chief is weirdly enamored by an out of shape six foot shooting guard that has been forced to play the point. He doesn’t play D, is barely adequate on O but never gets the quick hook that Boeheim is famous for.
Boeheim needs to be shipped to a farm upstate, which is a problem since he’s already pretty far upstate.
His (lack of) in-game/half-time adjustments are laughable at this point. So hard to watch.
lemme guess, he has intangibles?
Took 77 minutes. Seems like it should be about 4-0.
I was wondering when the other foot would drop for Fulham against Chelski. Typically it’d be in the second half around the 70th minutes.
Here’s hoping Areola keeps standing on his head
FIRST POSITION, my man!!
/please don’t fuck up tomorrow, at least take a point
I know!
I actually believe that United will get at least a draw tomorrow, if not a win. We’ll see based on the starting XI.
I’d go big dick energy and roll with:
Dave
Telles, Slabhead, Bailly, Spider
Matic, Pogba
Rash, Bruno, Tony
Cavani
That team can beat the Scousers. I fear Ole will run with;
Dave
Shaw, Slabhead, Lindelof, Spider
McSauce, Pastor Fred
Pogba, Bruno, Rash
Martial
That starting XI will play for a 0-0 draw and could get burned with how slow the CBs are and the fact the Wing backs and DMs have to stay close to the CBs. That defensive line is bubble wrap FC because it’s all about protecting the slow CBs. This is where United become vulnerable and get burned on the backpost because the Wingbacks are holding the CBs hands
My word, what a barbaric challenge from the American. Then again, I should not be surprised — many of the colonies stopped receiving proper football education after they became independent. Their loss.
Sir, Mighty Whitey is mired at the bottom with uncouth clubs which is not befitting for a club with such stature. The Americans dismissal di not help our cause.
I can’t watch the 2nd half. Fuck everything.
I am thinking the same. MOAR FOOTY MANAGER
There it is.
Fuck a duck, how did Cavaliero (ya!) miss??
FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCK FUCK
Borussia Unpronouncable GOLLLLLLLL is rocking!
Pulisic got the start
thats rockin
Already raging.
But teh light ain’t even dying yet smh
This match is always bad for my health.
u spelled “liver” wrong
Not this year! They are all over us. This ain’t good.
Beat those Tory cunts.
/also sensual, if you’re into that sort of thing, I guess.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cojDkvAdpY
rockingdog we are internet friends off today. Not rocking.
Wut
They’re not quite as funny, but I’m always amused by the handwritten signs I see promising “I will teach you how to make millions in real estate!”
Yeah, because the one thing that successful millionaires totally do is (1) deliberately create competition for themselves; and (2) advertise for protegees via handwritten sharpie signs on telephone polls.
Which I’m sure is the point. Much like the badly written Nigerian email scams, the transparent ludicrousness of the pitch serves a purpose of filtering out anyone with an ounce of critical thinking, so that only the greediest suckers are left.
Shit like this really wishes I had studied anthropology or psychology, at least for my humanities requirement (I went with Sociology because easiest) or electives (actually, probably not, I LOVE history and used my bullets there).
Then again, I really fucking hate humanity enough as is.
Pretty astonishing story here:
Nidhi Razdan left her anchor job to be a Harvard professor. It was a hoax. | Boston.com
I feel like, if you’re a journalist who quit your job in order to accept what you thought was a position as a journalism professor at a university that doesn’t even have a journalism school, and did no fact-checking that would have uncovered the hoax, you probably really really suck at being a journalist.
This is the stuff that will be preserved and future generations and/or aliens will try to make sense of this crap
Devin Singletary receiving prop is 18 1/2 yards. That seems doable.
Incredibly so.
Hope this comes up, because it is hilarious.
https://twitter.com/i/status/1350168168950591491
Go Browns.
/Browns are going to die
“Nailed it”
-Horatio Cornblower, running in and knocking Blair Walsh over before Walsh can shank the connection.
I’ll be on the Brownwagon for as long as it’s rolling, though I agree with HC that it’s likely to be a glorious slaughter.
thets ROCKING
Jeebus Christ, I was chatting about prospects with a few of my Imaginary Baseball Friends, and it turns out that the best prospect writer (by a factor of about 1,000,000) – John Sickels – has retired from baseball writing.
Because he finally linked baseball to the beginning of the sexual abuse (as he bravely wrote about in his farewell) he suffered as a child. Starting at age EIGHT.
Go ahead, 2021. Let’s see how you can keep Darkening the Timeline.
Been reading his stuff for years and years. How fucking awful.
You might be a candidate for my “even more complex than auction FITBAW League” sim-based baseball league(s), if so inclined.
http://locrasto.com/pfblb/ByLaws.txt
I don’t smoke or edible at all but when my son saw my infected finger he said “be back in a sec”, and returned with a “just in case” joint, should I need it. D’awwww.
Do also consider actual medicine.
You’re not my mother!
“Eh”-Alex Azar
I like your son.
Fire it up!
“Fernandez tries to come around the back door”
/Ballsofsteelandfury has entered the chat
You rang?
OK, that’s just creepy.
He saw the BallSignal.
It’s like a Truck Nutz but it’s in the sky!
(Steve Perry voice) TruckNutz in the sky keep turning
Got up at the crack of 11:00 am this morning. In my defense I was up at 4:30 to make sure our basement remained dry as we got 1″-2″ of rain last night, then again at 7:30 because the asshole cat was hungry, then woke up at 9:00 but had the same asshole cat and the not at all an asshole dog curled up on my bed next to me, and what kind of a monster disturbs that?
Where’s the rest of you?
I deliberately went to sleep late to wake up late and have a COUPLA hours to do necessary crap before the games. It’s still five hours to the first game. I DONT WANNA DO CONSTRUCTIVE SHIT, GAMES DAMMIT!1!1!1!1
Well 15 mins at 1030 until I fly into a rage and go for a long walk muttering to myself.
The ebb and flow of fútbol allows too many opportunities to fret about stuff I should be doing. NFL + “substances” efficiently quiet the “You have invoices pending” matronly inner voice.
“Lord, grant me JJD’s resolve. Amén.”
found a funny:
James Cameron writes Impeachment on the board
execs nod
James Cameron adds an s
execs go wild
That’s pretty funny, though somewhat high on the obscurometer.
I dig the fuck out of this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K0YI0UUazkU
Because it’s awesome, and Alison Mosshart is deserving of worship.
Lanzini time bay-bee!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-kQmzr7KQk
I remember seeing that on the teevee and nearly jumping through the ceiling. Because a) it was a great goal and b) fuck Tottenham, always.
This is why I got one of them fancy-ass Swedish recliners. Used, because I am cheap af.
I’ve worn out two recliners since my gastric bypass surgery December 2018. Went and bought a new one back in September, fancy with electric motors (though no massager). Tax, delivery, and extended warranty, total $1800. Kicked myself on the way home from the showroom, “Why the FUCK did I pay $300 for a five year extended warranty? After the pox-eclipse, will Immortan Don’s War Boys be making service calls?”
I am wearing my “Guilty Remnant” long sleeve, plain white shirt for Litre’s bunch. ah has dun alls ah cud
Leeds are in one helluva funk.
one wonders if compressed schedule catching up to ’em?
You’re probably right. It was still surreal watching Crawley eviscerate them.
Man, I missed that. Gave up on “FA Cup magic” when Marine got their shit pushed in.
We get Burnley and then potentially Bournemouth. A deep run will kill our chances for survival.
If Everton don’t lose to Wednesday Addams (spoiler, we almost surely will), then Tottenham will kill us.
Cmon boys. Make it to halftime with the lead.
Go to song FOAR teh sadz!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K3P2o5gryfs
No offense taken, good sir Hippo. I may be the only American following this match with my iPhone and a single ear bud. Haller is gone (WOOOOOOO!) but Snodgrass is too (DAAAAWWWWWWWWW). Antonio snatching an early goal from these nazi cunts is HUGE, since, while Burnley don’t score often, neither do they get blown out much. Their back 4 is solid as fuck, and Teh Pontiff might be the best keeper in the league.
Good to have Antonio back! Fookin’ force of nature…
Clumsy comparison, but Antonio reminds me so much of NY Rangers forward Adam Graves in their 1994 championship season. Johnny on the fucking spot.
/now trying to imagine Antonio on ice skates
//he’s probably as confused as me smh
Do your job.
Hippo approved,
Frank Lampard is a Tory Cunt
Ms. Myers can boil my bunny rabbit any day!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_1-TOfQltQ
London derby?
Note, People Just Do Nothing sitcom is class and they all appear in this video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PA5uuBCtZ5k
No football for 7 fookin’ hours! But I want to watch some nooooowww.*
*said in remarkably annoying nasally tone
I was hoping to sleep until at least 8 (20-year old Hippo spits out his beer at this constituting a late wake-up), give me some energy for tonight. But my brain and body are total assholes.
My advancing years have taken a toll on my ability to sleep beyond 7 AM. This really pisses me off, because I’d really like to go to sleep for a year or so and wake up when all this shit is fixed.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dIb6yIcRfsA
NO PRESSURE, Diamond Joe!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dv_cvxAAZ-Y
Because Hope Sandoval is a recluse and a fookin’ genius:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuC9oYaiagI
When the world starts turning again, we need these guys on tour with Tame Impala:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qeFgIojMmcM
Way to devalue Everton’s win at mid-week. Stupid Wolves.
Today’s plan, 8 hrs of futbol, 6 hrs of NFL, no booze. Pray for me.
have u considered a wee pill habit is wut all the kewl kidz do
BANANACAKES engage.
Jeebus Tapdancing Fuck
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j1-xRk6llh4
Jesus fuck. Set piece disaster.
c’mon you Wolves. 5 or 6!
/looks like they’ll need that many
My goal is for Fat Sam to earn exactly zero points in his Fat Shyster tenure. Dream still lives!
Did I bet on Wolves down 1? Yes I did.
me instincts is for shit now
It was a penalty not like the Baggies were dominating play.
Is nice to Hail GAMBLOR again, even if I was slow to respond today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYYGKCanqfA
Stamford Bridge. NOT in Chelsea.
Everyone agrees with Elvis!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XvRQDsH0Yho
The extent of hooliganism in Fulham.
Turns tv on, West Brom scores. Oh, it’s going to be one of those days.
and then get away with stonewall hando
Mrs. Cola is going to get Deci some shoes today, I told her the best time for that was during the neighboUrhood tussle. Now I can swear away at full volume!
/will watch first 15 minutes and get so mad will have to go for a walk.
/Fuck I hate Chelsea
Ottawa Senators rocking first place in their division, baby!*
*there will be a slo-mo dismount and they’ll land in uh, second-last place
Maestro is probably still wasted. He was fired up on twitter yesterday.
Guh, every time I think about getting back on that horse I take a look around and think “Nope”.