Your “Let’s Tie A Bow on 2020” Superb Owl Open Thread

Let’s wipe the slate clean the way Andy Reid uses lettuce as a napkin to wipe his mouth during a meal and then eats said napkin/lettuce afterwards. Look, it’s a form of recycling and he’s trying his best.

Well, all of our pleading, begging, crying, complaining, caterwauling, gnashing and swearing has come down to this-the likeable dude vs. the mangy old faux-vitamin seller. Damn, by the time we get to the second half it’ll be past Brady’s bedtime! But anyway, you dropped by here to interact with the lovely folks that inhabit the site, make dick jokes and say goodbye to another footed ball season so I’ll just throw some giblets out there (Petey King calls them nuggets and nuggets are gross) and we’ll be on our way.

TO THE (LAST) GAME!

Chiefs/Bucs:

-Shoutout to K.C.’s DC who goes by the name of “Spags”. He was the one who devised the Giants extraordinary upset of the undefeated ’07 Pats (remember, Tabula?) with heavy pressure from the defensive line. This time around he doesn’t have talent there but he does have some in the secondary. So he’s come up with a dime package that uses 6(!) db’s. He runs that D 44% of the time as opposed to the league average of 10%. Wherever the playmakers are, he plays to their strengths and finds a way to be effective. Much respect to that fella.

-Bucs dl Vita Vea was one of only two interior lineman that had a 20%+ pass rush success rate before he went down with an injury. This matters because…

-After losing Eric Fisher in the AFC Title Game, the Chiefs now only have one offensive lineman that they started week 1 with. (center Austin Reiter)

-Cb Carlton Davis had a nightmare last evening. It involved re-living his week 12 debacle vs. Tyreek Hill when he gave up 203 yards receiving in a little over 15 minutes. Since Mahomes became the starter Hill has 19 TD’s on passes thrown over 20 yards-that’s 6 more than the next guy.

-A difference maker goes by the name of Honey Badger-during the win over the Browns he allowed -5 yards receiving and an interception on 6 targets.

-The Bucs D has allowed the least number of rushing TD’s in the entire league at a measly 12. Dalvin Cook was the only dude that ran for over 100 yards against them and he barely accomplished it at 102.

-In all of Patty’s playoff games he has 21 TD’s combined and only 2 INT’s. Tom Brady sucks dog’s balls on a regular basis.

Scritch that itch in the comments.

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Brocky

jesus christ NOW theybbrubg that up?

Doktor Zymm

Well shoot, I was so busy drinking the cans labelled ‘drink within 3 days’ I totally neglected the crowlers labelled ‘drink within 48 hours!’

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Happy to help

Horatio Cornblower

Just pour it into your keyboard; BFC and I will take it from there.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Sounds like you have your work cut out for you. Thank goodness you are in the Pacific Time Zone.

Petronel

and there it is

makeitsnowondem

Patrick Mahomes has a lot of work to do to catch up to the guy who’s never played as well in a season as Mahomes did last year

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

I’m always confused by a CBS Super Bowl. It’s like watching a broadcast from another planet, I’ve never watched the vast majority of these shows (although I do enjoy the Unicorn, if only for the fact that Boyd Freaking Crowder is a romantic lead.)

Horatio Cornblower

Who are you?

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Just an old man watching a terrible football game happen in a garbage state.

yeah right

Welcome to the revolution internet dad.

Dunstan

It wasn’t until a CBS promo earlier this season that I learned that you’re actually supposed to pronounce the name of the show Bob “Hearts” Abishola. I assumed it was “Loves.”

Viva La Tabula Raza

Yeah, I talk about that show every day.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

As long as this game is gonna suck, score another TD so i can win $250

Sharkbait

Senor might take the 4th too

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I read it wrong, that would make brick the winner. Goddamnit

Brocky

I need kc to score, miss the two point conversion, and TB gets another TD

Horatio Cornblower

I would rather watch Britt Reid drive through a school zone than 3 minutes of James Corden doing anything.

yeah right

This is reason one why I don’t watch prime time network TV like fucking ever.

Viva La Tabula Raza

So, will the inhabitants of Tampa (Tampons?) riot and burn down their downtown tonight? I sure hope so; it will be a lot more interesting to watch that than this fucking game. Shittiest game since NE/LAR 13-10 a couple years back.

Spur

They’ll Swing harder and grosser.

nomonkeyfun

Probably fewer children at risk than when Britt Reid drives.

Game Time Decision

How does one burn a bay?
Paging Cleveland

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

Florida can find a way.

Dunstan

“Well, I have experience burning Georgia that I feel would be helpful” — Gen. Sherman

clint greasewood

Whatever happens, STDs will be transmitted. It’s the Florida way.

Senor Weaselo

Rebuttal: Fuck you, Robinhood.

Brick Meathook

Why do all these commercials seem like lectures?

Brocky

because half of the country thinks the earth is flat or some shit fuck I don’t even know anymore

Horatio Cornblower

That decision by Winfield is the dumbest thing I’ve seen lately, short of getting in a car while whacked out of your mind on pills and booze and crashing into another car, causing life-threatening injuries to a 5-year-old.

Also, taunting Tyreek Hill should be totally legal.

Redshirt

OH, SO NOW THEY THROW A FUCKING FLAG ON TAMPA BAY!!!!

rockingdog

YIKES
comment image

yeah right

Jim Nantz just called Tyreek Hill “Reek” I never pictured him as a Game of Thrones fan.

Horatio Cornblower

I can see Tyreek Hill filling the role of Reek, given his approach to parenting.

Dunstan

“I really relate to Roose Bolton, because his son is a bastard who hurts children.” — Andy Reid

Petronel

it’s a good thing that, one way or another, Mahomeboy has the off-season to recover from the murderin’ he’s getting tonight.

Last edited 3 years ago by Petronel
Sharkbait

I was way ahead of the hard seltzer trend when I added vodka to Schweppes

rockingdog
Senor Weaselo

That looked high at first.

Recovery Whiskey

Is Mahomes dosed up on cold meds

Dunstan

“I can hook him up with some stuff” — Britt Reid

Sharkbait

Brit Reid is holding out on the good stuff

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Super Bowl You LIV You Learn

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Told you we can’t have nice things

hippofant

So I know how this works, but I don’t know why it’s working right now: this whole hard seltzer is very obviously taking advantage of some sorta FDA/alcohol beverage regulation loophole, but what is it?

clint greasewood

Rookie fan running onto the field wearing clothes….smh

Redshirt

“See, that is why Bieniemy wasn’t hired as a Head Coach!” — racist idiots

Game Time Decision

Organic hard seltzer. Wtf

yeah right

I only use organic hand sanitizer.

nomonkeyfun

“I only use organic face cream.”

-Annette Schwartz

Game Time Decision

Or Sacha grey

Dunstan

Argh, now they’re getting Serena Williams to talk about Tom Brady. I CAN’T FUCKING ESCAPE THIS SHIT. (Well, you know, other than by shutting off the tv and reading a book.)

Viva La Tabula Raza

Yeah, Tony, Mahomes looks dejected, but at least he didn’t fuck up a place-kick hold.

Horatio Cornblower

He probably is dejected, and who can blame him, but at least he didn’t try to drive a car while hammered on pills and booze, and crash into another car, causing life threatening injuries to a 5-year-old.

Dunstan

I remember that making for a fantastic blog post at the Fake Drew Bledsoe blog back in the day.

Don T

TonyH*m*! That was great.

yeah right

Britt Reid is on the field.

Petronel

Whenever somebody runs onto the field, I SO want to see him/her get slammed by the biggest guy out there.

Game Time Decision

You know the biggest guy can out run them too

herodotus450

Not even a naked streaker smh

Game Time Decision

Delay of game KC.
TD BUCS

Redshirt

Stupid mask mandate!

Doktor Zymm

Naked except for a mask would be WINNER

Viva La Tabula Raza

This country has got a lot more prudish.

TheRevanchist

Use your imagination.

Sharkbait

STREAKER!

Horatio Cornblower

Hey, Britt Reid made the game after all!

herodotus450

Someone should have told the Chefs that Super Bowls only have 4 quarters, just like every other game, and they should’ve started this comeback earlier.

ballsofsteelandfury

Holy crap! 1100 comments!

Recovery Whiskey

Sorry

Gatoraids

Listen cooch Heincke is clearly better than Mahomes we’re on pick away from the Super Bowl

Brocky

stupid question: why is Andy’s son the linebackers coach when he’s offensive minded?

was he like, hey steve, give Britt a job will you?

Horatio Cornblower

You don’t seriously think Britt was hired because of his skill set, do you?

Brocky

nah, couldn’t be…

Recovery Whiskey

Amazing how limited KC offense looks

Mr. Ayo

BLEEERGH!!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Tonight’s beers have been 7.1%, 10.5%, 8.1%, and 5.1%

Mr. Ayo

You’re going the wrong direction. Unless your target is the age of a child to put in the ICU after doing a bunch of drugs and booze.

rockingdog
yeah right

It’s almost like Andy Reid is distracted by his son drunk driving while on adderall and critically injuring a child…

Or something.

Horatio Cornblower

Well, KC knows what they need to do to Brady after his next hand-off. Who’s retiring after the game? Get in there kid, and get (in)famous!

Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
Gatoraids

Now for real invention of roughing the rusher

Horatio Cornblower

Wow, how did Mahomes slip out of JPP’s gra…oh, right, never mind.

Mr. Ayo

JPP had less of a grasp on him than Brit Reid did on his steering wheel after crushing a load of pills and booze.

Redshirt

Okay, who invited the Bengals O-line?!

yeah right

So. Baseball season?

TheRevanchist

The MVP is the dropped pass that hits the receiver right in the fucking face mask.

Brocky

my superbowl co-MVPS are Horatio and Ayo for their dueling takes shitting on Britt Reid

Horatio Cornblower

I’m going to Disneyland, but Britt Reid will not be driving me.

Brocky

…it’s a small world, after alll….

which is a ride intended for young children.

kinda like that poor kid fighting for her life in the ICU because fucking Britt Reid

Sharkbait

Someone say shitting?

O. Beckham
Cleveland, OH

Mr. Ayo

I’m staying home so Britt Reid won’t be hitting my parked car with me in it.

Last edited 3 years ago by Mr. Ayo
yeah right

Eh, I liked the message but good luck with the results.

Recovery Whiskey

Not reunited as long as red staters vote for Republicans