Setting: The Virginia Mason Athletic Center, Renton, WA. February 9, 2021
Ext. A third floor office. One man sits behind a desk. A plethora of coloured papers and binders scatter the desktop about them.
Pete Carroll sits at his desk, preparing to wrap up the team year-end interviews. He is chatting with an intern before the final player arrives.
Pete Carroll: … and ever since I found Sherman’s Adderall I haven’t once thought that bird was actually telling me what plays to run. Probably should have let Taima run the offence instead of Schottenheimer, though. But buying the handler that hood also helped.
He can’t read my thoughts if he can’t look into my eyes.
Intern: That’s…great, coach.
PC: Anyway, where was I?
Intern: You were discussing the lunch options for you and Mr. Wilson.
PC: Right. Now, what did I put down for a menu?
Intern: Well, last time you said, “Whatever’s in the fridge!” But I know how… picky Mr. Wilson can be. So I read that GQ article and went ahead with chicken, rice, and a green vegetable, with some fruit and 12 almonds as his dessert.
PC: Good, good. And for me?
Intern: Slim Jims & chicken nuggets, as you requested.
PC: HOT DAMN! Just like the ARCO back home.
Intern: And before you ask, sir, Recovery Water for Mr. Wilson and eight year-old Coke Zero for you.
PC: That’s perfect, Kevin. Just order it when he gets here, and have it brought in while we’re talking.
Intern: Excellent. Anything else?
PC: That’s all for now; please let me know when Russell arrives.
Intern: Yes sir. (leaves office)
Pete Carroll gets a buzz on the intercom
PC: Yes Kevin?
Intern: (voice on speaker) Sir? Mr. Wilson is here to see you.
PC: Excellent. Please send him in, Kevin, and have our lunch brought up.
Intern: Will do, sir.
The phone goes silent, as Pete Carroll prepares for the arrival of his star quarterback.
A door opens
PC: Russell! It’s good to see you, son.
I love the jacket. Is it new?
Russell Wilson: Mmph mmth ffth yyobb. Gghh sathh wwth dhbb…kthh!
PC: I’m sorry, Russ, but I don’t speak Dutch. You might have to take off that ceremonial headdress you’re wearing.
Russell Wilson begins unwrapping his head 
RW: Goddammit, Pete – they’re bandages! Whoopsie – said a bad.
PC: Oh, are you hurt?
RW: Look at my head, man. I didn’t look like this before Aaron Donald took the field!
PC: I’ll have to take your word on that, since we were both wearing masks last time we saw each other.
Anyway, you said something in…Portugese? as you came in.
RW: Dam- Darn it, I said, “Look Pete, we need to get some things straight before next season”!
PC: What are you getting at exactly?
RW: C’mon Pete. We’ve done some great things together, and I’d like to keep building on that going forward…
PC: Uh huh…
RW: But I can’t continue to do that if I’ve got to run for my life every third play.
PC: But scrambling’s always been a big part of your game. You love scrambling!
RW: But it’s different now. When we went to the Super Bowls, the guys I had up front had been with me since the beginning. I could trust them when I had to become creative. Now, when I run on the field, I have to look at the scoreboard to see if I recognize any of the names.
I couldn’t trust those guys to get me water. Do you know how many times I called for the wrong player this season? That shouldn’t happen!
PC: Look, Russ. I know you’re frustrated. Last year was supposed to be a rebuilding year. We got incredibly far, farther than we’d projected – and you were a large part in making that happen.
RW: Thanks Pete. But listen, I’ve been talking to God, and I ju–
PC: You’ve been talking to Belichick? Russell, that’s tampering. I’m going to have to tell John Schn–
RW: No Pete. God, through which His vessel Jesus Christ, my personal Lord & Savior, showed me The Way…
PC: (under his breath) Oh Christ, here we go…
RW: …and The Way now seems to be possibly exploring my options.
PC: Uhh…Russ, what does that mean?
RW: It means that, unless you find me some disciples to guard my path, I might have to explore taking my talents & Ministry somewhere else, however the Lord chooses to work.
PC: 
RW: (dropping the veneer) Linemen, Pete! Find some fucking linemen to keep me alive. Just because I fucking follow Jesus doesn’t mean I want to fucking die like Him.
PC: Gotcha. Linemen. To keep you alive.
RW: Real linemen Pete. Not these fucking lacrosse players who all seem to be real estate agents from Bellevue.
PC: Right. Actual players.
RW: Guys who’ve played the fucking position before. In college, not Pop Warner.
PC: Jesus, you’re really dotting the Is & crossing the Ts.
RW: DO NOT TAKE MY LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!
PC:
RW: (straightening his tie) Sorry Pete. I’m just emotional; forgive the language. Look, just speak with John, and let him know how I feel. I want to stay a Seahawk, not die a Seahawk.
PC: No worries, Russ. I got rid of Cable’s swear jar years ago. As for John, he & I have a meeting for tomorrow, after I’ve concluded all this season’s exit interviews. I’ll make sure to let him know.
RW: Okay. Thanks Pete. Have a good offseason. (gets up to leave)
PC: Thanks Russell. You too.
RW: Thanks.
PC: Hey buddy – “Go Hawks”?
RW: Sure… whatever.
As Russell Wilson closed the door behind him, Pete Carroll sat open-mouthed, staring at the door. Everything seemed a bit darker. He couldn’t recall the last time Russell had left a conversation without a customary “Go Hawks”, and he wondered what that foretold for the future.
Right up until Kevin arrived with lunch.
Intern: (opens door slowly) Mr. Carroll, I heard how the meeting was going, so I took the liberty of cancelling Mr. Wilson’s lunch and bringing you the Happy Meal version of yours.
The intern places a tray down on a nearby table.
PC: Oh Kevin. You deep fried it!
A tear finally came to Pete Carroll’s eye. Perhaps his day would get better.
This is wonderful!
BEERGUYROB IS BACK, BABY!
This is great stuff, looking forward to the next 103 installments.
(I also believe every bit of this actually happened.)
I’m planning on at least until the Draft.
This is amazing. All the ⭐️ ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
NHL referee Tim Peel was caught on a hot mic saying that he gave Nashville a dubious penalty because “It wasn’t much, but I wanted to get a f–king penalty against Nashville early in the [period?]”
The NHL has announced that Peel, who was set to retire this spring anyway, will not be calling any more games because dude, you’re not supposed to get CAUGHT saying that shit.
I’ve read that he was due to retire in a month or 2, so not the biggest statement. To me, he’s the scapegoat. The last few minutes of a game is called differently than the few. The regular season is called differently than playoffs. So there’s already a sliding scale of what’s called, but no clue how to fix any of it.
and here’s a goal being scored off Tim’s junk…lol
https://twitter.com/PeteJolicoeur/status/1374725199438999556
I think the whole “game management” thing, and the sliding scale you mention, is a terrible way to officiate, but you’re right that it’s the accepted norm.
Though these things tend to vary by sport, don’t they? NFL fans don’t expect the standard for pass interference to change in the final minutes — which is why the non-call in the Saints game a couple of years ago was controversial. Nobody suggests that the strike zone should be different in the 9th inning. I’m not much of a basketball fan, but my impression is that a charge is a charge whether it’s in the 1st quarter or in OT. Hockey seems to be the outlier where you basically have to murder someone or take away a sure scoring opportunity to get called in key situations. The one context in which I’m ok with that is something like unsportsmanlike calls for comments to the refs; I do think refs should have a thicker skin in close and late situations.
I disagree that hockey is the outlier. Pretty much all the refs in all sports put away their whistles in crunch time due to fear.
AHAHAHAA. Yeah, right in the “midsection”.
A Film By Hans Moleman
Do the DFO internal consistency rules now mean mean that you’re gonna use Up With People pics for his new offensive line?
/I have seen too many Super Bowl halftime shows
I’m just sad I can’t bring back, “Tom Cable, Rage Monster” as a recurring character.
Did he get evicted from behind the dumpsters at Lumen Field?
No, but in terms of proximity to dumpsters he is coaching the Raiders O-line.
/cut to Andy Dalton counting his money and laughing
I am excited for this new feature.
“You call that lunch? Looks like an amuse bouche to me” — Andy Reid
I debated whether to persist in the DFO “Sandwich?” argument by using this picture of a Slim Jim’s sandwich
instead of the deep-fried monstrosity I settled on above.
I think your original choice was correct — the inclusion of a colander for serving corn dogs or whatever fried-stuff-on-a-stick is in that picture really classes it up!
That’s the kind of thing I imagine that Martha Stewart puts together after a long 4:20 session with Snoop.
That looks really good
Mac & Cheese + Slim Jim’s on a Wonder Bread hot dog bun. It was on some guy’s fraternity blog.