Part 4: Was The Discount Worth The Price?

Setting: Ditka’s Steakhouse, Oakbrook, IL. March 11, 2021, 7:30 p.m.

Pete Carroll & John Schneider are sitting in a booth, comparing notes on players they’ve seen in the last few weeks. A server has just dropped off their drinks.

Pete Carroll: Thank you, Carmen.

John Schneider: (ignoring server)  Remind me again – why the hell are we eating here, Pete?

PC: Because all Super Bowl coaches get a discount. I’m not turning down 30%.

JS: You and these fucking discounts. Sometimes towns don’t have a CITGO, y’know.

PC: The good times don’t last forever, John. Gotta take advantage while you can. After all, you can’t count on the government to look after you. And, all the AARP does is try to sell me some phone with giant-ass numbers that only works in big cities and probably sends my personal info to China.

JS: I’ve seen the ads. I don’t think a phone that shitty could send your data to Peoria, let alone Peking.

PC: Whatever. I don’t trust any of them. It’s still why I call Glena from a good old-fashioned land line.

JS: Okay; enough about the phone. Why are we eating here?! This place is completely out of the way. Northwestern was on the lake. Downtown was on the lake. We’re so far inland here we had to drive past O’Hare!

PC: It’s not my fault the one downtown closed.

JS: *bitchy tone* No, but it is your fault we got run out of USC.

PC: (throws down pen)  Oh, here we go!

JS: Look, your team was the one that…

PC: How was it my fault?! I wasn’t the one paying Reggie (Bush)! (OJ) Mayo was a freaking basketball player! And need I remind you they also looked into the women’s tennis team? That broad made 123 overseas calls on her coach’s number!

JS: It’s too bad they couldn’t have tied all that to Aunt Becky.

PC: Look – I wouldn’t have left USC if I knew sanctions were coming.

JS: I know, I know; you’ve said all that before. It’s a pretty high & mighty attitude, given how they got punished.

PC: (angry tone)  Get fucked, pretty boy! I didn’t do anything wrong. (calming down)  Besides, Mr. Propriety, you were the one wearing the Simpson jersey.

JS: People are so fucking touchy. I thought I was wearing a Marcus Allen. 33 versus 32 – it’s just one number.

PC: One number he wore his whole damn career. It’s called the goddamned internet; you couldn’t have checked that when you bought the jersey? It even had his name on the back! Judas Priest, you could have asked me. I coached the damn team!

JS: Some coach. Bush was getting paid more than his professors. And these people associating with his family. “Lloyd Lake” sounds like a Marvel villain. Jesus, Pete – how did you not think that was suspicious?

PC: “Don’t ask; don’t tell”. And don’t change the subject – we just about got killed by those students!

JS: Hey man, don’t be such a baby. I was trying to blend in. Besides, you learned you could still run faster than a group of lesbians.

PC: THEY WEREN’T LESB- *takes a deep breath*  Look. Let’s just go over the guys we saw during the last few weeks.

JS: I guess. Man, it all blurs together, what with the long drives & gassy food. It’s like Bon Jovi said,  ♫♫ “Sometimes you tell the day, by the bottle that you drink…” ♫♫  Okay, gimme the list again.

PC: (irritated tone)  Since we were just on the topic, Alijah Vera-Tucker from USC.

JS: Right.

PC: Plays Left Guard and Left Tackle. Russell should like that.

JS: Sure, sure. Gotta keep the ‘Face of the Franchise’™ happy. Lemme just check my phone…and…NOOOOPE! He’s projected to go somewhere between 14-19 in the draft. NEXT!

PC: *snorts derisively* crosses off the name.

JS: (to the server) Sweetheart? Another Jack & Coke for me, and an iced tea for my dad. Thanks. (chortles to himself)

The eye roll from the server implies Schneider’s drink will also be 1% saliva

PC: Next is… Teven Jenkins, the Right Tackle from Oklahoma State. 

JS: Yee-haw! Boomer Sooner!

PC: No John. That’s OU. We were in Stillwater.

JS: Oh right. “I’m a man! I’m 40!”

PC: Exactly. Now, Jenkins is 6’6” & 320, so he would fit in nicely, especially if we lose (Cedric) Ogbuehi to free agency. He could play behind (Brandon) Shell for a year or so before he takes over full-time. And if we –

JS: (turning his phone screen to face Pete Carroll)  Forget it! Projected to the Bears at 21. This is going nowhere fast. Who’s next?

PC: Kendrick Green from Illinois. We saw him down in Champaign yesterday.

Now, this kid really seems like Seahawk material.

JS: How so? (the drinks arrive)  Thanks hon. (He gives the server a wink as she places his drink on the table, trying to avoid eye contact)

Server: Sir? Your iced tea.

PC: (to the server)  Thank you, Carmen. (to John Schneider)  Get this – he started out as a defensive tackle, but was converted to the O-line in his freshman year.

JS: Was his number 69?

PC: No; why?

JS: Because that’s nice. (winks again at the server, who vomits in her mouth a little bit)  Okay – let’s see where Kiper has him…HOT DAMN! Not even on his board. Means he should be available on Day 2 or 3. Finally, one in the win column.

PC: (pulls out a highlighter)  Okay. We will put him on the “Possibles” list.

JS: Nice. Always good to have one or two pan out.

PC: I think we might have to hit some kids further down the list, because so far everyone (Albert) Breer has up-top is out of our reach. If only we had a top pick sometime this decade…

JS: Knock that shit off, Pete. You wanted help; I got help.

PC: But the Jets? Two Number Ones? Their GM’s an idiot and their owner’s a bigot. They would have taken magic beans to get rid of Jamal (Adams)!

JS: Bitch, bitch, bitch. Anyway, let’s wrap this shit up. I think our meals are coming.

PC: Good timing. The last one is the kid we saw today up at Northwestern – Rashawn Slater.

JS: Ooh, I liked him.

PC: I thought you would. Russell will too. Now, at 6’3” he’s a bit small compared to some of the other kids we saw, but he makes up for it with speed. Now agains- (to the server)  Ooh, thank you Carmen.

The server puts two steaks down on the table, one a little more aggressively than the other.

JS: (to the server)  Mine’s well done, yes?

Server: Yes sir. Burnt. Just like the former president likes, as you asked.

PC: Geez John. Why even order a steak at that point?

JS: C’mon – we’re at “Ditka’s Steakhouse”! I’m not going to order the fish! (looks to the server for validation; gets only a sneer)  Anyhoo, let’s wrap this up & get to the eatin’.

PC: Okay. Now, Slater was solid against everyone, even Ohio State. Only gave up five pressures in over 350 snaps. That kind of tenacity should keep Russell clean. Where does Kiper have him?

JS: Just give me a sec-… 13^th, to the Chargers. Forget him then. (swipes the papers off the table & onto the seat)  Now, let’s eat!  (starts cutting into the steak)

PC: Oh man – we earned this.

JS: You know it. (speaking with his mouth full)  And I think the server talked to the chef for me, because I got a big dollop of garlic butter on my steak.

PC: (leaning over the table)  Umm… I don’t think that’s butter, John.

To be continued…