DFO Insider: Reboot

EDITOR’S NOTE: If you came here looking for the Ultimate Roger Goodell Mixtape, stay tuned – we’ll be publishing it next week to coincide with the draft.  In the meantime…let’s check in with our two favorite sleazy Hollywood producers…

INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY

A sleazy Hollywood producer sits at his desk, looking frustrated.  He is alternately glaring at his laptop computer and his cellphone.  Another sleazy Hollywood producer strolls into the room.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: [takes off sunglasses] What on earth are you doing cooped up in here?  It’s such a lovely day outside!

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: [still glaring at his computer] I’m on the phone with Dreamhost support, trying to get our server issues sorted out.

RTD: [not listening] Cool, cool…wait. [gets excited] Did you say something about a server?  Did Vespertine finally get their waitstaff vaccinated?

DTZM: What? No, I’m talking about our computer server.

RTD: Oh.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY sits down on the sofa, and then lays all the way back. 

DTZM: And if you want to be able to sit down in restaurants, you should get yourself vaccinated before you complain about anyone else.

RTD: [begins idly tossing his phone to himself] It’s been less than twelve months since I took that dose of hydrochloroquine; I don’t think I’m supposed to get vaccinated again this year.

DTZM: I…you know what, never mind.

DREAMHOST SUPPORT: [via speakerphone] Thanks for holding.  Now you said you’ve tried turning it on and off again, right?

DTZM: [exasperated] I already told you, the server is not in my office.  It is located in your facility.

DREAMHOST SUPPORT: [via speakerphone] Right, right, of course, so sorry about that.

DTZM: Now if you don’t mind giving me administrator privileges for the server, I’d be happy to do that myself remotely…

DREAMHOST SUPPORT: [via speakerphone] Hmm, I’ll have to check with my supervisor on that, let me put you on hold again.

DTZM: No, I was being sarcastic, don’t…[is put on hold]…DAMNIT NOT AGAIN! These jerks at Dreamhost are more useless than the brakes on Britt Reid’s car.

RTD: Speaking of dreams, I wanted to tell you about one I had last night.

DTZM: [begins tapping his keyboard] Kinda busy right now…

RTD: …and I’m not entirely sure it was a dream, I mean I might have been awake and just thinking about stuff, you know?

DTZM: Sure, sure.

RTD: So anyways, there’s this planet.  Like, Earth, but Super-Earth.

DTZM: You mean, like a planet that has super powers?  Didn’t Marvel do that with Galactus?

RTD: Galactus wasn’t a planet, Galactus was an entity that ate planets.  But no, I mean a Super-Earth, as in a planet that’s a bit more massive than earth.  Higher gravity, thicker atmosphere, that sort of stuff.  Not dramatically different, though.

DTZM: Okay…

RTD: Now imagine humanity has discovered this planet, this Super-Earth, and it’s, like, fifty light years away.  It looks pretty sweet, it’s got a breathable atmosphere and a carbon-based ecosystem.

DTZM: Intelligent life?

RTD: Not even remotely.  It’s got oceans but basically nothing in terms of land-based animal life.  Basically like Earth during the Carboniferous period.

DTZM: [frowns] That’s when everything was covered with trees, right?

RTD: That’s right! But it’s a big planet so it’s got plenty of other terrain, too.  So Earth sends out a ship with a few humans in order to colonize this planet.  Cold sleep on the way there.  But of course when the humans arrive and are defrosted – and this is key – all they have is that ship.  That’s it.  They don’t have any raw materials at all.  They’ve got all kinds of information about everything, and some seeds and a few tools and stuff, but that’s all.

DTZM: This is the future, don’t they have, like, lasers and stuff?

RTD: Not really, no.  Anything they want, they pretty much have to make from scratch.  If they want, say, to build a house, they’re gonna need to cut down a bunch of trees and cut it into lumber.  But to cut it into lumber they’re gonna need a sawmill.  So they’re gonna have to forge a bunch of saw blades and stuff.  Which means they have to go even further back and start prospecting for ore before they can even think about processing it into metal they can use to make saws, and screws and nails and pipes and stuff like that.

DTZM: That sounds like an awful lot to do.

RTD: It is, it is.  But the point we come in after a lot of that industry stuff has gotten underway.  So your accessible level of technology is somewhere along the level of Victorian England, even though the knowledge of technology and technological possibilities is much, much further along.  They just don’t have it yet.

DTZM: And so what’s the actual story?  And who is the protagonist?

RTD: It’s a sort of police procedural.  See, when you’ve got fifty people on a spaceship, you don’t really need a police force.  But give yourself a village of five hundred folks, you’re going to have to start thinking about it.  Get up to five thousand, and it’s pretty much a necessity.  So the protagonists of the show – I’m thinking a Mulder and Scully type pair – are this society’s first example of detectives.  And they investigate the kinds of crimes that would show up in this sort of society.  Murder, theft, sabotage, that sort of stuff.

DTZM: Do they have computers?

RTD: Not personal ones, no.  They have a centralized information repository they can go to – the computer from the original colonization ship, and they’ve got books – the printing press is pretty well established by then – so they’re aware of modern crime-solving techniques, but there’s a lot of stuff they simply can’t do because the technology base isn’t there to support it.

DTZM: Nothing like DNA testing?

RTD: Nothing like that, no.  Maybe some rudimentary chemistry, like blood type, but that’s about it.

DTZM: Maybe introduce new technologies as they go?

RTD: Yeah!  And it covers the development of crime-solving techniques, plus the legal issues that evolve in a developing society.

DTZM: So…Law and Order on another planet.

RTD: Better than that.  A reboot of Law and Order.  All the way back down to the true basics. Doesn’t get much grittier than that!

DTZM: Huh.  Well, set up the typewriter.  It’s not like we’ve got much else going on.

RTD: What’s going on with That’s My Raiders, anyways?

DTZM: It’s completely stalled at the moment.  We’ll probably do a “very special episode” about Mark Davis’ tweet but that will be a one-off thing.

RTD: They’re really written themselves into a corner with that whole Guardians and Galaxies thing, haven’t they?

DTZM: They sure have, buddy.  They sure have.

 

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Law-abiding Raiders fan, pet owner, Los Angeles resident.
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King Hippo

That should lock up 8th position for Everton, Just Outside European Places as is our custom.

blaxabbath

I’m following along a bit of the OANN/GQP ‘audit’ of the Maricopa County (Phoenix, AZ) ballots. Long-short, the state Senate took the authority to perform a forensic audit of the ballots….and then handed the state funds (plus whatever was raised by these StopTheSteal type groups to fund the audit) to — well, here it is from the news article.

The audit including a hand recount of 2.1 million ballots is being conducted on behalf of Republicans in the state Senate, who have hired a cybersecurity firm with no election experience owned by a man who shared unfounded allegations of election fraud on his since-deleted Twitter account.

Cyber Ninjas, in case you are wondering, is the firm (led by a guy who wrote some of the lunatic explanations for Trump losing that was used by Lin Woods & Sidney Powell) and they had a call for volunteers that AMAZINGLY came up with 75+% republican volunteers — oh, after requiring three letters of recommendation from ‘suspect’ volunteer applications (read: not republican).

So they all showed up this morning and, wouldn’t you know it, the very first thing they’re handing out is blue pens. State law requires NOT blue or black (because those colors are read by the scanners). Some reporter was there and tweeted about it, including pointing out her discussion with the guy running the event who had claims to have no idea about the blue ink possibly being used to tamper with ballots.

There was a hearing this morning because the democrats want an injunction and, it seemed to not be going swimmingly for the dems (even as the state GOP argued that a third-party firm doesn’t need to follow state laws in the audit because they’re third party) but then the news of the blue pens hit the court and the judge told the GOP to take the weekend to provide their policies/procedures/training for the audit on Monday.

At this point, the only way I can describe anyone who even considers voting Republican is as an absolute fucking retard.

BeefReeferLives

Thanks much for the research and synopsis. I don’t think I could read about this blatant attempt to undermine American democracy without going into a rage stroke… FFS.

ballsofsteelandfury

/ door flies open

Intern Balls: But where’s the gratuitous nudity??

RTD: Dammit, Balls! We’re not in the 80s or 90s where you can get away with that shit! Go back to the Pornhub Acquisition Project!

/ door flies closed

DTZM: Who let him out? Gotta get a new lock on that cage…

Darkest Timeline Zack Morris

70’s-style cinema.

BeefReeferLives

+1 Princess Leia jiggle.

Horatio Cornblower

Really looks like Partey is trying to join the protestors by getting red-carded as fast as possible.

TheRevanchist

For the record, I’m not voting for anyone remotely related to a Kardashian or Jenner. I don’t need Kim to be our next state attorney general.

SonOfSpam

And Gavin just wants us all vaccinated whereas Caitlyn will make us all get the lopitoffomy.

Horatio Cornblower

I think it’s perfectly OK to support trans people not named Kaitlin Jenner.

Not because she’s trans. Because she sucks.

SonOfSpam

Just call her Brittney Reid.

Horatio Cornblower

If someone can fix that so it appears on the page, that’d be great. it’s pretty funny.

Brick Meathook

What election are you people even talking about?

King Hippo

I have ordered wings and trash pizza for this fixture. Everton, aren’t we!

Horatio Cornblower

Rooting for Everton in this one.

#Kroenkeout

ArmedandHammered

I had to look up what the protests were about. I certainly can support their cause.

ArmedandHammered

I may be biased as I have a rabbit, but I think they make great therapy animals as well as pets.

Warthog

And stews. We used to have a hutch out back. My dad thought it was the height of cleverness telling us not to play with our food.

Last edited 3 years ago by Warthog
ArmedandHammered

I could never eat rabbit now, it would be like eating dog or cat. I have had pet chickens, but have never had an issue with eating them or any other fowl, because fuck those little raptor wannabees.

Gumbygirl

If Dog didn’t mean for us to eat chicken, he would not have given us Popeye’s. It’s just theology.

ArmedandHammered

I prefer Bojangles, but I agree, even chicken fat is damn tasty to use in cooking. Besides no chicken, no chicken and dumplings….

Warthog

Have we crossed streams with the Pete Carroll thread?

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Warthog

Old Bojangles commercial with Jake D’aww Horsefeathers Delhomme and the baby puncher Steve Smith.

litre_cola

I recognize these words but only recognize that Steve Smith is a horrible person.

Warthog

My apologies. These characterizations go back a ways to the old site. Where I also was mostly a lurker.

litre_cola

I was there, but Bojangles escapes me like a Houston area masseuse.

Warthog

Ah. Bojangles is western NC’s answer to Popeye’s. Their biscuits are world class.

BeefReeferLives

Yeah. In the same boat. I’ve had it, and it’s good (when in Wallonia, do as the Walloons do) but in general I can’t eat bunnies (or ducks for that matter). They’re too goddamned cute.

TheRevanchist

Best time to eat rabbit is Easter.

SonOfSpam

They’re easiest to catch, weighed down with all those eggs.

BugEyedBoo

My mom is still blaming “who cooked and ate the rabbit?” on my dad. They were divorced about 50 years ago (geez I’m old), and my dad passed away 10 years ago. My youngest brother brings it up just to stir up shit, because he’s an asshole that way. Then my mom calls me and blames my dad. I’m just about to the point of eating rabbit every day, just because. “Where’s my hassenpfeffer!”

Warthog

Was Glenn Close involved?

BugEyedBoo

From what I remember, the rabbit was skinned. So AFAICT no.

Horatio Cornblower

Anyone who would bring a rabbit to a ball game would need therapy after I got my hands on them. That’s a prey animal and it is absolutely terrified in that sort of setting.

BugEyedBoo

Looks like a Flemish Giant, the ferocious man-eater of the lupine world.

Game Time Decision

It’s got big… TEETH

BeefReeferLives

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ArmedandHammered

Mine is pretty fearless which is why he would last less than a minute in the wild, he is way too curious about everything.

TheRevanchist

You ever met a wild jack rabbit? Those guys are total assholes. Stay away from them for your own safety.

Brick Meathook

To the the basic cottontail rabbit, every other species is a potential predator, even squirrels.

BeefReeferLives

Well that’s just hands down adorable. Now I want a therapy bunny…

TheRevanchist

It’s all fine and dandy until someone catches space herpes.

ArmedandHammered

That and having to watch for space ticks dropping from the trees. Space Lyme disease.

ArmedandHammered

I would watch this show, like religiously. Kind of a Victorian era Life on Mars, with this time it being a literal different planet. Hell, have it as the first colony on Mars and the earth has WWIII or some other apocalypse where they can no longer ship high tech stuff to a terraformed Mars.

ArmedandHammered

Also, I can see this scenario “So you say something came out of the bushes and took your wife away? And her disappearance has nothing to do with the fact you found her cheating on you and the two of you had a huge fight in the city square”

“Yes”

“But there are no native animals on this planet and we brought nothing with us that could carry off your wife”

“It was the aliens”

“What aliens? We surveyed the entire planet on arrival and the ship in orbit has seen no other ships”

“They are very stealthy”

And the thing is since you are on an alien planet with no high tech, you actually have to take him seriously. At least till you find her body in the crawl space of their house.

He gets dragged off yelling that the aliens put her there to frame him since he knows about them.

Last scene is of some alien with it’s forelimb covering it’s mandibles and quivering in mirth.

Last edited 3 years ago by ArmedandHammered
ArmedandHammered

And later episodes could have an unmasking a la Scooby-Doo mixed with failed unmasking as the alien is actually real.

SonOfSpam

Just like Roanoke.