Part 6: Gaze In That Mirror With An Eye That’s True

Setting:  The Bar-B-Q Shop, 1782 Madison Avenue, Memphis, TN, April 18, 2021

Ext. Two men sit at a table, plates of finely cooked meats in front of them. There are also some empty pint glasses off to the side. Their attention to detail is somewhat in question. They might actually be enjoying themselves.

Pete Carroll: I’ve got to say, this cooked meat is quite superb.

John Schneider: Would I steer you wrong?! This is barbecue country, son!

PC: I hoped not. Still, after that food offence I saw you commit up in Chicago, I didn’t think you liked slow-cooked meat.

JS: Hey, at least you know it’s cooked. It’s pretty hard to screw up a brisket.

Plus, it was Chicago. I read “The Jungle”. You can’t tell me Ditka buys clean beef.

PC: This is a nice treat, though, after so many truck stops.

JS: When in Rome, right? But seriously – I can’t believe you asked about Memphis Spaghetti.

PC: I’d heard it was a local delicacy.

JS: It’s fucking glorified Skyline Chili.

Remember the last time you ate that?

PC: I’ll say. Couldn’t stop shittin’.

JS: Anyway, I figured for our last night on the road we might as well feast it up.

PC: Beer’s pretty tasty too.

JS: Of course. Can’t just drink that Bud Light swill all the time. I don’t give a shit if they are a sponsor.

PC: John! Don’t let civilians hear you say that.

JS: Bah! This is Memphis – it’s a basketball town. No one knows us here. It’s like when Newman was in “Jurassic Park”.

It’s a road trip, man. Gotta go for a local product every time.

PC: No kidding. “Memphis Made Brewing”

I’m going to have to see if Total Wine in Bellevue carries that.

JS: I guess we should talk about who we saw.

PC: Before we start, thanks again for agreeing to skip Alabama.

JS: Not a problem. They’re on TV so often we don’t need to visit.

PC: Plus, Saban’s a dick. All those national titles, but he can’t win when he doesn’t have slave labor.

JS: And you didn’t have to give back your Super Bowl ring.

PC: Jesus; that time in Miami. Can you believe he chose to go with Daunte Culpepper over Drew Brees? Some talent scout!

JS: **laughing & choking**  And then he had to turn to Joey Harrington! An Oregon quarterback. Fucking priceless. None of them have been good since Fouts! No wonder he chose to go back to the SEC, where he can pick his opponents.

PC: But it was worth driving through Tuscaloosa on the way here, just so I could do burnouts on his lawn.

JS: Least I could do. Besides, I put the rental under Chuck Arnold’s name.

PC: You dirty dog!

JS: Like I was going to use my real name anywhere on this trip. His security cameras are going to see the plate & send the bill to Enterprise. Jody (Allen) is gonna flip when she sees that tab.

PC: Now I don’t feel so bad about hitting that tree.

JS: Road trip rules, baby! Just remember – “what goes on the road…

PC: … stays on the road.” I know. It just felt so good to tear his shit up.

JS: You just got to be the one to live out the fantasy of a million SEC fans.

PC: Beats poisoning trees like some dirty little bitch.

JS: Not exactly the same, but I like where your head is at. Besides, skipping Alabama saved time. We had to make that stop in Liberty, MIssissippi to get Gabe Jackson to sign that three-year extension.

PC: What did you give up, again?

JS: A fifth-rounder! Mayock’s lisp must also affect his hearing. He must have thought I said “first round pick”. Fucking dolt.

PC: I know. Who did he think he runs, the Jets?

JS:  (angrily)  Fuck you, Pete.

PC: (proud of himself)  Besides, Gabriel looked so happy to no longer be part of that clown show Davis moved to Vegas. More importantly, you made Russell happy.

JS: Well, you finally convinced me to meet you part-way.

PC: All I did was emphasize the need to show him we are going to keep him alive until the end of his contract.

JS: It was genius. Now we can draft without anyone getting suspicious of our intentions. Plus, by drafting for the future, we can coach these new kids up to protect whomever we draft in 2023 after Russell’s contract expires… Oh, sorry – “in case he chooses not to re-sign.” I’m not letting him hold me hostage for $40 million like Prescott did Old Man Jones.

PC: They haven’t had a good quarterback since Troy Aikman.

JS:  **pounds beer**  I tell you, Pete. The Packers did the right fucking thing with Rodgers. Their only flaw was playing their cards too fucking early. Should have waited a couple more years instead of doing it right after he signed the new deal. Now Rodgers gets to hold them hostage if he has another great season.

PC: Or he can quit & go ask people questions for a living.

So, do you want to talk linemen or quarterbacks first?

JS: If we’re going to keep living the lie, linemen. Let’s just rapid fire those names.

PC: Okay. First up – Trey Smith from Tennessee.

JS: Vitals?

PC: He’s 6’6″ and 320. A natural guard who can also play tackle. Projected first through third.

JS: Skip. Next?

PC: Royce Newman, a Guard from Ole Miss. He’s 6’5″ and 305. 

JS: Projected?

PC: Third through fifth. He can also play tackle.

JS: Keeper. Next?

PC: Now hear me out – Centers.

JS: FOR FUCK’S SAKE, PETE! i just re-signed (Ethan) Pocic to a one-and-one to keep him through next year. We’re good.

PC: (suggestive tone) But John… we could draft one for insurance…

JS: No.

PC: …and we could try to convert him…

JS: Stop it, Pete.

PC: … to guard or tackle, just in case. Hmm…?

JS: I… uhh… oh… oh God …

PC:  (smiles fiendishly)  Now, Trey Hill from Georgia is projected as a third- or fourth rounder…

JS: Damn you, Carroll!

PC: (ignoring Schneider)  …who could also play guard. He’s 6’4″ and 330, but has the lateral movement of a smaller player. He could be a value pickup.

JS: Does he have any drawbacks?

PC: Well, he apparently developed a bit of an eating problem during the lockdown. We might have to build in some incentives.

JS: Fuck that noise! I went through that with (Eddie) Lacy. Took all kinds of shit for trying to help him, and then caught different shit for dropping him after he ate his way out of a job.

PC: **shakes head**  Hard to carry the rock when your hands are covered in pie.

JS: I’m not paying anyone to lose weight ever again!  **Looks at glass**  I need more beer.

PC: I’ll take care of that.  **waves hand**  Oh Eric?

Eric Vernon: (approaching the table)  More meat, gentlemen?

PC: No, thank you. Lordy, that was a big portion. Just another couple of those delightful Memphis Made’s, please.

EV: Are you sure?

PC: Oh my, yes. But thank you just the same.

EV: Because there’s always more where that came from. On the house.

PC: That’s mighty tempting, but we’ll have to pass, Eric. Just the beers, please.

JS: Now hold on there, Pete. I like this guy’s moxie, and the concept of free food. I might still have a little room…

PC:  **sternly**  (to John Schneider)  Jimmy. Graham.

JS:  **passively**  I guess you’re right, Pete.  (to the owner)  Just the beers, please.

EV: Whatever you say, gentlemen. I’ll have those sent over, and if you need me again I’ll be over at the bar with my dad.  (walks away to take his place at the bar)

JS: (irritated)  Why’d you have to bring that up?

PC: Just to remind you that what looks good on paper may not always be a good thing to pursue.

JS: Fine.

A server comes by and places two beers on the table, taking away the dead soldiers.

PC: (to the server)  Thank you, Rebecca.  (to John Schneider)  Anyway, let’s get on to the quarterbacks. Geno’s in place as the primary backup, so that’s good. But we’re lucky in the fact that we’re already set up to need a new third-stringer.

JS: Whaddya mean?

PC: Well, (Alex) McGough is likely done after punching that Albino fellow, so we can use that incident as cover for the new plan.

JS: I like the fa–  Wait a minute… he punched an albino? (Thinks back to his favorite movie – “The Heat”)

(Laughs to himself)  McGoo beat up Powder?! Hell, Pete – we might just have to keep this kid!

PC: No no, Alex allegedly beat up a guy in a bar named (Anthony) Albino. Bloodied him up good.

JS: Oh, okay. “Allegedly”. Like I was “allegedly” married on half of this trip. Stiil – can’t look a gift horse in the mouth. You’re right – it’s the perfect cover to begin planning for 2024. Anyway, who’d we talk to coaches about again?

PC: Well, first was Will Rogers of Mississippi State. Mike Leach was very effusive about him.

JS: Was that the kid I kept calling “Cocktail”?

PC: Uh huh. His parents didn’t seem too thrilled by that, by the way.

JS: It’s their fault for naming him after a drink.

PC: I would think it’s likely a relative. Or, possibly, the 1930s actor. Well, in any event, he followed Gardner Minshew at his old high school, so he’s got a pedigree.

JS: Minshew. That’s the porn ‘stache kid from Jacksonville, right?

PC: Yup.

JS: Off chance, when does he become available?

PC: Lemme just google that… after 2022.

JS: Okay, let’s put Ron Jeremy here in the “maybe” pile, in case he pans out in the next couple of years.

PC: What about Rogers?

JS: Cocktail? Sure, sure; him too. Anyone else?

PC: Ken Seals from Vanderbilt.

JS: Vanderbilt?! Didn’t they go 0-fer this season, and resorted to that girl kicking for them for positive media attention?

PC: Yup.

JS: Ugh. And speaking of albinos, didn’t they just hire one from Notre Dame?

PC: I don’t think Clark Lea is an actual albino, John. I just think he’s bald.

JS: That’d be pretty goddamned ironic if he was.  **snorts**  Anyway, let’s check back next year to see if that kid Seals progresses under a new coach. Was there anyone else?

PC: Well, there was Bryce Young down in Tuscaloosa, but since we both agreed that Alabama was off our list, we’ll just let ESPN blow smoke up Saban’s ass and watch those games on TV. 

JS: How much did Disney pay again for those rights?

PC: $300 million per year, starting in 2024.

JS: Jesus, I’m going to have to bust Goodell’s balls about that. He thinks he’s the master negotiator. Did they buy out CBS?

PC: I think they’re still talking about it. CBS pays $55 million per year, so ESPN would have to give them at least over $170 million to walk away from their last three years.

JS: So, wait? Are SEC games gonna be on CBS or ESPN? I don’t want to have to pay for cable.

PC: Well, what do you do now?

JS: Watch at the office. I’m not letting CenturyLink into my home.

PC: I thought you were the one all about partnerships and corporate synergy?

JS: Sure, when it’s not my money.

PC:

JS: (ignoring Pete Carroll’s indignation)  Well, I guess we ought to be getting home. You’ve got a wife to see, and I’ve got a couple of drafts to plan – this year and 2024.  **pounds beer**  This alternative plan we just brainstormed is fucking awesome.

PC: (nervous tone)  Now John. You’ll take into account everyone we’ve seen on this trip, right? I don’t want it to have been for nothing.

JS: My man, road trips are never for nothing. Sure, there were some close calls, and we crapped out a few times. At least I never had to run from the cops, you got to do donuts in Saban’s yard, and who knew there wasn’t any gambling in Branson?

PC: Anyone in tune with popular culture for the last forty years… or watched an episode of “The Simpsons”.

JS: (serious tone)  Look Pete – the truth is it doesn’t matter what you do. When it comes to the Draft, I’m taking who I think will be the best player, and it’s your job to make that work for the team.

PC: Sure sure. I’m just hoping to avoid more confrontation with Russell.

JS: He’s still young. With what we’re paying him, he can suffer a few extra wind sprints. The man’s no longer a virgin, so he’s got plenty of latent energy. **puts his hand on Pete Carroll’s shoulder**  Just tell him to man up & work with the people we give him.

PC: Christ, John. I don’t think I can do that anymore.

JS: Sure you can.  **pulls Pete Carroll closer**  Embrace the darkness. Admit that what scares you is the me in you.

PC:

To be continued…