Your “Who Is The Government To Question If I Have 16 Kids?” Tuesday Evening Open Thread

NFL Notes:

  • Davante Adams says his Packers status is “affected” by the Aaron Rodgers situation.
    • Pushing the point – Adams is in the final year of his contract.
      • With an average salary of $14.5 million per year, he has slipped to No. 15 on the receiver pay scale.
  • The Bitcoin Chief has been released before he ever earned a dime.
    • Sean Culkin was made moot by the Chiefs signing veteran Blake Bell in free agency and then drafting another tight end, Noah Gray of Duke, in the fifth round.
    • The day he made this announcement – April 26 – Bitcoin’s value was $53,944.29. Today at 5:30pm ET it was $56,735.30. So his $920,000 would theoretically have been worth one more Bitcoin today if he had been lump-summed when he signed.

The Raiders are bringing the party to the patio, as they released images of what Allegiant Stadium’s Wynn Field Club will look like for 2021.

What it looks like now

Stretching the length of the end zone while featuring 42 televisions, a 9-foot-by-35-foot LED screen, two DJ booths and a 45,000-watt sound system, the near-11,000-square foot space will “feature appearances by Wynn Nightlife’s legendary roster of world-class DJs, premium bottle service and over the top-access that can only be found in Las Vegas.”

  • The “Black Hole” will be located in the other end zone. (No pictures available)
What they hope it looks like in September

Well, today was “Census Day” in Canada,

and thanks to the COVID it was all done online. I got the “long form”, which meant I was one of the 25% of Canadians that was blessed with that particular experience. You can see all of the questions here.

———————————————–

Among the highlights:

2. What was this person’s sex at birth?

Sex refers to sex assigned at birth.

  • Male
  • Female

3. What is this person’s gender?

Refers to current gender which may be different from sex assigned at birth and may be different from what is indicated on legal documents.

  • Male
  • Female
  • Or please specify this person’s gender:

18. e) Does this person have any emotional, psychological or mental health conditions (e.g., anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, anorexia, etc.)?

  • No
  • Sometimes
  • Often
  • Always

Questions 23-29 had to deal with aboriginal ancestry.

40. During the week of May 2 to May 8, 2021, did this person have definite arrangements to start a new job within the next four weeks?

  • No
  • Yes

41. Did this person look for paid work during the four weeks from April 11 to May 8, 2021?

For example, did this person contact an employment centre, check with employers, place or answer Internet ads, etc.?

Specify one option only.

  • No
    • Go to question 43.
  • Yes, looked for full-time work
  • Yes, looked for part-time work (less than 30 hours per week)

42. Could this person have started a job during the week of Sunday, May 2 to Saturday, May 8, 2021 had one been available?

Specify one option only.

  • Yes, could have started a job
  • No, already had a job
  • No, because of temporary illness or disability
  • No, because of personal or family responsibilities
  • No, going to school
  • No, other reasons

54. b) What was the main reason this person did not work for the whole year in 2020, meaning from 49 to 52 weeks?

Specify one option only.

  • Illness or disability of this person
  • Pregnancy, or maternity or parental leave
  • Student at school, college or university, or attending training
  • Cared for own child(ren) or relative(s)
  • Unable to find work that lasted the whole year
  • Retirement
  • Personal choice
  • Seasonal work
  • Other reason — specify:

57. In 2020, did this person pay child or spousal support payments to a former spouse or partner?

Support payments are covered by an agreement to pay a fixed amount on a regular basis. Exclude all other gifts or transfers of money. Include only support payments actually paid.

Answer “Yes or “No“. If “Yes“, also enter the total amount for 2020.

  • Yes
    • $
  • No

———————————————–

The whole thing ran to about 75 questions. I didn’t have to answer about fifteen of them because

  1. I’m childless,
  2. I don’t pay spousal or child support,
  3. No one knows where the bodies are,
  4. I didn’t attend French immersion school, and
  5. I don’t work or live on a farm.

At least they didn’t ask me to measure my balls, unlike that 4:00am text. Twenty years ago I included the family dog as a “sister”, and someone came around to do follow-up because the sister had never been mentioned on a census before. So I said she died – which was true; she was put down in the time between when the census was returned & the person followed up – and the person got so upset that they left.

Naturally, there are some people who are, “WHY IS THE GOVERNMENT ASKING ABOUT THIS !!11!1!”, but most of them are in southern Alberta and want to join the US anyway.

And now we’re back on the urinal topic again…


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL: playoffs start Saturday!
    • Boston vs Washington – 7:00pm | NHLN
      • this is a first-round matchup, so expect lots of rough stuff tonight.
  • NBA:
    • Miami vs Boston – 7:30pm | TNT / TSN
    • LA Clippers vs Toronto – 7:30pm | Sportsnet1
    • New York vs LA Lakers – 10:00pm | TNT / Sportsnet1
  • MLB:
    • NY Yankees at Tampa Bay – 7:00pm | ESPN / TSN2
    • Toronto at Atlanta – 7:00pm | Sportsnet1

Tomorrow is NFL schedule release day. The full thing is being unveiled at 8:00pm ET “only on the NFL Network”©®™, but there will be a teaser release of Week One in the morning. Mr. Scott?

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Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Wakezilla

Question 82 of the Canadian Census:

Does it piss you off that they dropped the ‘ in Tim Hortons?

Question 83:

What does your Tim Hortons that your frequent most identify as and does it also belong on Indigenous land?

Brick Meathook

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Gumbygirl

Good night!

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Brick Meathook

From Czechoslovakia (aka Czech Republic aka Duchy of Bohemia), the land of such filmmakers as Miloš Forman, Jan Němec, Iván Páššeř, and Jan Šv&n%#&jer, among others, comes this enchanting tale of the landing gear of an airplane from Wichita Kansas:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5lLoKhIDOEc

Mr. Ayo

That front wheel pivot is insanely fast.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook
Viva La Tabula Raza

My Auntie lives in a 200 year old house RIGHT NEXT to the Amtrak/Acela track in SE Mass, and when that high speed mo-fo comes roaring by, you KNOW it.

Brick Meathook

One night in South Carolina I went to pee at a country gas station but the restrooms were closed so I went behind them and peed through a chain link fence in the darkness and then suddenly out of nowhere an Amtrak train roared past me just on the other side of that fence. I’m lucky I didn’t shit my pants.

Gumbygirl

Not fully vaccinated

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Spoiler: Dude’s gonna kiss her despite the fact that she’s asleep and can’t give permission.
Could be worse.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aowSGxim_O8

Gumbygirl

No, he’s a Prince of a fellow. He’s gonna blast her awake with the airhorn, and then jam his tongue down her throat when she wakes up screaming. Trust me, I dated this guy

TheRevanchist

Who here hasn’t?

Don T

Worth repeating
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Viva La Tabula Raza

When the Northern Contingent dominates the commentary on these evenings, I am left scratching my head quite often.

SonOfSpam

You have to learn their alphabet (from Eh to Zed)

Dunstan

Me: I want sloppy joes for lunch
Also me: Ok, fine, just this once.

Later me: Shit, I don’t have anything for dinner but leftover sloppy joes
Also later me: It’s ok, I’ll put some swiss chard on them.
Me: Well, then it’s practically health food.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love that the real life version of this man is everything we imagine him to be:

<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>I am thinking about becoming a professional Sloppy Joe taster. Thanks to Town Hall Deli for sending some Sloppy Joe’s over the paddle tournament tonight. Very good. <a href=”https://t.co/tqsp5956x0″>pic.twitter.com/tqsp5956x0</a></p>&mdash; Eli Manning (@EliManning) <a href=”https://twitter.com/EliManning/status/1337550343358599176?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>December 12, 2020</a></blockquote> <script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>

Mr. Ayo

That’s not a Sloppy Joe. That’s a Jersey shit sandwich.

Dunstan

I’d like to report a murder:

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SonOfSpam

Gaetz gets dunked on like a white NBA center.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I think the dude is hydrocephalic.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hydrocephaluscomment image

SonOfSpam

Needs him some Zika to balance out.

Gumbygirl

Poor kid, his head is so heavy it falls over sideways!

Game Time Decision

Thanks for the reminder about the census. We got lucky and got the long one. Mrs GTD is filling it out now and swearing enough to make a trucker blush. I’m so proud of her right now.
For something that’s to be general, they sure are picky about the answers.

Game Time Decision

Took almost an hour to complete it. Fuuuuuuuuck

ballsofsteelandfury

Canadian Census Question #85:

Best Letterkenny character:
A- Wayne
B- Katy
C- Squirrely Dan
D- McMurray

Game Time Decision

Trick question. It’s Derry

SonOfSpam

Which Tim Horton’s are you closest to, both geographically and emotionally?

litre_cola

Listen. As someone who had to facilitate delivery of all the codes to every fucking house, lean to, yurt or teepee. I FUCKING HATE THAT THING. The department who handles this with the Gov of Canada are the most useless incompetent bunch of idiots imagineable.

scotchnaut

e. “The Daves I Know”

-David Davidson, Squamish, BC

ArmedandHammered

f. I squeeze your head.

Horatio Cornblower

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Dunstan

Jinx. I owe you a Scorpion Bowl

Horatio Cornblower

Just hope I don’t lose my job over it.

Dunstan

g.Girl Drink Drunk

Brick Meathook
Horatio Cornblower

Question 70: Gary Bettman is

a. A rat
b. A rat bastard
c. Both of the above
d. Yes

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you said “rat” I thought you were about to dunk on that snitch Ryan Fournier again.

https://mobile.twitter.com/HoratioCornblo3/status/1392243687934111744

Horatio Cornblower

A Trump grifter turning out to be a petty criminal with absolutely no sense of loyalty to his friends? I mean, call me Tim Allen, but I did not see that coming.

ArmedandHammered

e. A homunculus formed from greed, hubris, spite, and incompetence and brought to life by being jizzed on by all the owners in a rite dedicated to Mammon.

Last edited 2 years ago by ArmedandHammered
TheRevanchist

Oo! I have one.

Question 69: Do you have a shrine to Bob & Doug McKenzie in your home?

  • Yes, that is the right thing to do.
  • No, I think I am French
Game Time Decision

Hoser

herodotus450

Question 47a: How many jugs of self-tapped maple syrup do you have out in the shed?

  • 10+
  • None because I’m secretly a foreign terrorist
herodotus450

(ring ring)
Hey Canada, is your Prince Albert-named province running? Well you better go catch it!!!1!11″

Brick Meathook

On my U.S. Census form when they asked about my race/ethnicity/gender I checked the “Other’ boxes and wrote in “NORMAL”

scotchnaut

Huh. Figured you’d write in “SUB (marine) NORMAL”.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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SonOfSpam

I write in NERMAL because I love Mondays.

herodotus450

Question 23: Who invented the Left Wing Lock?

  • Bryan Trottier
  • Scotty Bowman
  • Jacques Lemaire
scotchnaut

The correct answer is Tommy Douglas.

herodotus450

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Horatio Cornblower

Correct answer is Satan.

Sharkbait

Used to shitty perfection by the 1995-2003 Devils. Checks out.

Horatio Cornblower

Hey, remember all those fantastic hockey games where guys like Gretzky and Lemieux dazzled you with their goal-scoring ability? WELL YOU CAN FORGET ABOUT ‘EM, FUCKO, BECAUSE HERE COME JAQUES LEMAIRE AND THE DEVILS TO SET HOCKEY BACK ABOUT 40 GODDAMN YEARS!!!!

Sharkbait

I still say Brodeur is a system goalie. Not hard to rack up wins when you see 12 shots a night behind a suffocating system.

Horatio Cornblower

Brodeur would have been great on pretty much any team not rhyming with Watford Halers, but yeah, I don’t think he comes anywhere near the records he set without that system in front of him.

That terrible, terrible system.

Dunstan

Bob Baffert yesterday: “It is a vile lie that my horse was on drugs! This is CANCEL CULTURE!”

Bob Baffert today: “Oopsie!”

Brick Meathook

What ever happened to ethics in horse racing?

scotchnaut

“Ethics” ran fifth in the 2015 Belmont and was the main ingredient in a late June formulation of Gorilla Glue.

BaldingSpiritually

Defector commenters had the best responses

yesterday: horse full of man’s piss while man was full of horseshit

today: horse’s ass admits it was horse’s ass

Horatio Cornblower

I’m reading through medical records for a deposition tomorrow and came across this gem: “Patient…fell asleep on husband with neck in awkward position.”

Ma’am, if I could draw your attention to page 78 of your medical records, I have a series of 75 increasingly intrusive questions I would like to ask you.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m really interested in that 4 AM text…

ballsofsteelandfury

And they wanted to know how your testicles were??

Horatio Cornblower

To be fair, right now we all do.

TheRevanchist

20-ish years ago, two rock jocks took a pic of themselves mooning the camera. Fast forward a couple of years, and a listener found their pic used in a gay porn ad on a website. Maybe your balls are worth more in advertising revenue than you know?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Personally I’d be flattered if a gay porn site thought my ass was fetching enough to draw viewers.

Horatio Cornblower

Right?

Their rejection letters are very polite though.

Gumbygirl

Settle down, Goatse.

scotchnaut

/looks at odd-coloured poo in toilet

In my 20’s: “I should probably eat better.”

In my 50’s: “I should probably get that bowel cancer test done.”

Gumbygirl

When Gumby was one one of his submarines, they got a whole bunch of corn on the cob when they pulled in to port( 4th of July or something.) They had a pool to see who shit out the first recognizable kernels.

Viva La Tabula Raza

You can do the same thing with nuts or popcorn or tomato seeds. I worked with HTs for 3 years and know this for a fact.

Last edited 2 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Game Time Decision

We’ve got rainbow coloured bagels. Lots of fun the next day when one forgets about the bagels

Wakezilla

Not to spoil anything, but this topic might be related to my Germany Euros preview

BeefReeferLives

At least that sounds a lot less racially weird than the US census. I ended up just putting down “Euromutt” for those questions. I’m probably going to jail…

Last edited 2 years ago by BeefReeferLives
scotchnaut

Doesn’t Alberta pull this shit once every decade or so? The posturing. It hurts!

litre_cola

Try living in this Trumper wasteland.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I think we need a world map showing cyber pushpins where everyone on this board lives. I just can’t keep everyone’s locations straight.

ballsofsteelandfury

Put a lot of pins in LA…

Brick Meathook

Put a lot of pins in Canada, wherever that is.