Hello everyone, and welcome to Germany’s European Lesser Footy’s 2020 (in 2021) Preview.
Seeing how Germany is one of the few countries North Americans have to learn about, I’ll keep this section fairly brief.
With the exception of Berlin, I’ve been to the major cities and areas of Germany. It’s a really fun place to visit, especially if you like drinking beer and eating.
One stereotype that most North Americans believe is that the German language is a hard sounding language (think: NEIN! Schweinsteiger! Schattenparker! etc). The truth is, when you hear regular sounding folk speak the language, it’s rather soft and nice sounding. So much so, when you’re on the tram in Frankfurt, whenever the male voice speaks to let the rider know what the next station is, he sounds like a phone sex operator and you’re often wondering if he’s going to let you out, or if he’s going to keep the doors shut because it’s cold outside.
One funny tidbit about the Germans is just how incestuous their Royal family was during the Habsburg period. We often associate incest with the British family, but they never had an actual deformity linked to incest, like the Germans/Habsburgs. You gotta love the Habsburg Jaw.
Lets take a look at the German National Lesser Footy team:
Team Nickname: Die Mannschaft (THE Team)
FIFA Ranking: 12
Group F Opponents: France (defending World Cup Champions), Portugal (defending Euros champions: Now with Sexy Bruno) and Hungary (a young, skilled team that is about 2-4 years away from potentially being formidable).
Expectations: Survive the group of death, rebuild the national team by getting the young players international experience before the World Cup, and make it to at least the quarters.
Formation: Based on past 12-18 months, likely a 3-4-3, which is new, as their manager, Low, used to employ a 4-2-3-1.
Disclaimer: This is just an educated guess as what the Starting XI will look like. There are still far too many variables at this moment to pick the team. Especially since this will be Low’s last tournament as the German manager.
In honoUr of one of Germany’s favorite pastimes, making scheizen videos, the following will rate Germany’s chances based on the different types of quality shit a person makes. What separates the Gundils Pervers from the Dita von Hefeweizens, if you will. Without further a poop:
Goaltending:
Manuel Neuer to start-> MA ter Stegen, Bernd Leno or Kevin Trapp on the bench.
Analysis:
The perfect shit!
The perfect poo is a smooth sausage or snake that’s easy to pass, which is exactly the type of goaltending Germany has with Manuel Neuer, arguably the greatest goalie of all time. The amazing thing is, even if Neuer gets hurt, ter Stegen, arguably a top 5-7 goalie in the world, will replace Neuer. Having Leno and/or Trapp as a third place option is still not too shabby, either. Just like a type 4 poo, everyone is envious of Germany’s goaltending situation.
Defense (3):
Ginter, Hummels, Sule-> Rudiger, Boateng, Koch, Can, Kehrer, & Max as the potential subs
Analysis:
Meh.On paper, looking at the names starting and potential subs, this defense looks good and gets a pass. Just like their type 5 poop brethren, they get a pass, but it might pass a little too easily. This is the type of defense where you think it’s fine– but like a type 5 poo– it’s not.
This Kraut defense is like that time you’re in your car, and you think you can hold your shit in for the entire drive, that’s about 25 minutes long. But all of a sudden, you’ve cut 3 people off as you sharply enter and stop at a 711 parking lot. Sweating, you run to the front, grab the customer bathroom key and are running to the bathroom. As you’re pulling down your pants, your shit is squirting into your pants and it’s too late.
A lot of how this defense will look will be largely based on whether Hummels and Boateng want to return to the national team and whether Low wants/is allowed to bring them back. This tournament is supposed to be more about getting younger guys playing time and replacing the old guard that flamed out in the 2018 World Cup in Russia. With that said, Hummels and Boateng are right there. I don’t think anyone would blame Low on giving those two another shot at glory; especially with Neuer in net and their fantastic midfield.
I think Hummels will for sure return, As for Boateng, I think that will depend on whether he will accept being a sub.
Midfield (4):
Gosens, Kroos, Kimmich, Klostermann-> Gundogan, Goretzka, Neuhaus, Dahoud, Schulz as subs
Analysis:
According to doctors, textually, a type 3 shit is one of the two categories of a healthy poop. Is it as perfect as a type 4? No, because while it’s soft and easy (like your mom), there are still some cracks on the surface (also like your mom). Unfortunately for Germany, the team that has a better midfield than them are in their group (Bonjour, France). Still, having Kroos and Kimmich in the midfield, will be the envy of almost every team. Essentially, Germany will likely go as far as their midfield can take them.
Forwards (3):
Werner, Mueller and Gnabry-> Sane, Havertz, Draxler, Waldschmidt as the subs. Though Moukoko, Brandt, Amiri or Hofman may also be selected. In all honesty, you can put a blindfold on and pick names out of a hat and it will be as accurate as this.
Analysis:
ACK! Danger! Danger! You’re constipated and your shit is also red, which means you have blood in your stool and probably have ass cancer.
This is not your teenage/young adult selves’ German team, who had a solid #9 in Klose. This German team will score by committee, and it will be lead by a ton of kids with blazing speed–much to Adam Johnson’s dismay. The problem so far is that none of these kids have grabbed the bull by the horns, resulting in Low begging Mueller to return to the international team. I would think Mueller will return for the Euros.
The biggest problem for Germany is that they really, really like Timo Werner. For those who need a reminder, Timo Werner was pulled from obscurity and was named the starting forward for the German national team in the 2018 World Cup. He flopped. Looking to redeem himself and perhaps getting himself ready for tougher competition, Werner joined Chelski this past offseason. Truth be told, he is once again looking like an expensive flop, and Werner is becoming infamous for his legendary misses. Here’s one of many compilations out there:
The man has no confidence. Look at this image:
Prognose:
Not good!
The only way to stop producing this constipated poo is to move forward and change your diet. That’s exactly what the Krauts should do– take their lumps now, so that the team can make a run at the World Cup.
The Germans are unlucky to be placed in the group of death. France looks poised to challenge for the title, and Portugal is always a tough out in the Euros and they appear to have a new golden generation emerging. As a result, I think Germany will place third, but will be one of the third place teams that makes it to the round of 16.
From there, we’ll say Germany loses 2-1 (in extra time) to Belgium in the round of 16.
Thank-poop for reading.
I have learned so much about poop.
Now I’ll be forever monitoring for Type 4s and 3s.
“Die Mannschaft (THE Team)”
Oh sure, but when I say “Die Ohio State,” people report me to the police.
/doesn’t actually care about OSU except for purposes of this joke
Anyone who speaks German can’t possibly be evil
Die Mannschaft
This is also something Lorena Bobbitt has shouted once in her life.
Man, after reading about John, I don’t blame her
Much like the Hungarians in Group F, my mom seems to have taken a beating in this preview.
Oh God, this was so good. A truly original take on the “Germans love their poop” angle, which I didn’t think possible.
You know what this proves? At some point, someone did a dissertation on poop types and in all likelihood got a PhD out of it. Then someone simplified for the layman and made those flashcards.
Getting a PHD in shit. What a scam!