The scene: The In-N-Out convenience store near the DFO clubhouse. Ballsofsteelandfury is there with Low Commander of the Super Soldiers, who is now wearing a vest with a prospect patch over his silver jumpsuit. Ballsofsteelandfury is loading Low Commander of the Super Soldiers up with a massive amount of junk food and beer.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: This is how you eat in this century? How does anyone live past the age of thirty?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Are you kidding? This stuff’s great!

Ballsofsteelandfury plucks a box of ¡SPONCH! from off of the pile.

Ballsofsteelandfury (reading the ingredients): Wheat flour…hey, wheat’s great! Brown sugar, corn syrup, strawberry topping made of…vaguely strawberrry-like substances… Carbonxymethylcellulose? Holy cow, do I even want to know?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Probably not.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shrugging and tossing the box of cookies back on the pile): Eh, how bad could it be?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Do I have to eat them?

Ballsofsteelandfury: You’re a prospect, pal. That means you’ve gotta do whatever we say. And since Zach isn’t here, I’m in charge.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: So you are the sub-commander?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Well…not exactly…

Cut to: Some time in the recent past, outside of the DFO clubhouse. Darkest Timeline Zach Morris is glaring at Ballsofsteelandfury.

DTZM: OK, Balls, do we have this straight?

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting finger guns): You bet’cha, chief!

DTZM: When I’m not here, who’s in charge?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Scotchnaut!

DTZM: Right, and then we have WCS, Zymm, Horatio…

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting finger guns again): Got’cha! And then me, right?

DTZM: Don’t interrupt. Covalent Blonde, OSZ…

Ballsofsteelandfury: Hey, how come I’m so far down the list?

As the camera pulls back…and back…to reveal an elephant standing nearby, happily waving it’s trunk as Brocky hoses it down.

DTZM: Well, maybe…just maybe…it’s because you used club funds to buy an elephant off of Craigslist!

Ballsofsteelandfury: Aww…the circus had to let him go. What was I going to do?

Cut to: The In-N-Out, present day.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Good thing I have an apartment that takes pets, amirite?

Ballsofsteelandfury finishes loading up Low Commander of the Super Soldiers with junk food and alcohol, and they go to the counter.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting a finger gun at the Iguana Clerk): Hey, buddy! How they hangin’?

Iguana Clerk: Thbpt.

Ballsofsteelandfury (reaching back for the hand scanner): I hear that. Here, lemme get that for ya.

Ballsofsteelandfury scans in the junk food and throws it in a bag as Low Commander of the Super Soldiers eyes the Iguana Clerk nervously.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers: Are you sure he’s not dangerous?

Ballsofsteelandfury: What, this guy? He’s a peach. You gotta admire a guy who doesn’t let a little setback slow him down.

Iguana Clerk (flaring his dewlap): Bppt.

Ballsofsteelandfury: See that? He likes you!

Ballsofsteelandfury finishes with the groceries, then runs his credit card through the scanner.

Ballsofsteelandfury (shooting double finger guns at Iguana Clerk as Low Commander of the Super Soldiers carries all the bags of food): Catch ya later, big guy!

Iguana Clerk: Brapt.

As Ballsofsteelandfury and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers leave the In-N-Out, two men dressed in matching plaid jackets, sunglsses and 1960’s-style fedoras approach.

Man in Plaid #1: Excuse me, sir…

Ballsofsteelandfury (interrupting): Beat it.

Man in Plaid #2: We just wanted to ask you…

Ballsofsteelandfury: I don’t talk to fuzz.

Man in Plaid #1: Oh, no, we are not policemen. We are…

Man in Plaid #2: Coming from a wedding.

Man in Plaid #1: Yes! Yes, that is correct. A wedding.

Ballsofsteelandfury: You guys had a Mad Men themed wedding? Hey, congratulations, you crazy kids!

Man in Plaid #1: Thank you…?

Man in Plaid #2: Yes, and now we are on our honeymoon.

Ballsofsteelandfury: And you came here?

Man in Plaid #1: Yes…because we have heard of all the strange things going on here.

Man in Plaid #2: And we like strange things.

Ballsofsteelandfury: Strange things?

Man in Plaid #2: Yes. Like temporal fluctuations?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Is that like a stomach problem? Because the In-N-Out has Pepto-Bismol.

Man in Plaid #1: Have you seen a giant gorilla?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Nope, doesn’t sound familiar.

Man in Plaid #2: Or an elder god summoned from the abyssal pits?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Nah…but, you know what…

Man in Plaid #1 (leaning in closer): Yes?

Ballsofsteelandfury (looking around suspiciously before talking): You guys should really check out Wally’s World of Waffles. They serve a 36-inch waffle…biggest one in the state. Just make sure you don’t order the bacon.

Man in Plaid #2 (confused): Why not?

Ballsofsteelandfury: Because you don’t want to be a cannibal. BAM!

Ballsofsteelandfury shoots off a rapid succession of finger guns.

Ballsofsteelandfury (as he leads the laden-down Low Commander of the Super Soldiers back to the DFO clubhouse): Yeah, baby! Ain’t no cop puttin’ nothing over on ol’ Balls! Wooooooo!

Man in Plaid #1: He is very uncooperative.

Man in Plaid #2: Very. Should we resort to a cruder form of interrogation?

Man in Plaid #1: Ordinarily I would reply in the negative. However, his manner is so…

Man in Plaid #2: Obnoxious?

Man in Plaid #1: Yes. That is the word I was searching for. You always seem to know what I am thinking.

Man in Plaid #2 (reaching into his jacket and pulling out a wicked-looking taser): Allow me.

Man in Plaid #1: Of course.

Man in Plaid #2 walks toward Ballsofsteelandfury and Low Commander of the Super Soldiers as they cross the street.

Man in Plaid #2 (arcing the taser): Excuse me, I do not think we are finished conversing yet.

Ballsofsteelandfury turns around with a sarcastic grin, then sees the taser. He begins backpedaling.

Ballsofsteelandfury (nervous): Hey, pal, you make me get rough and you’ll be sorry.

Man in Plaid #2 (advancing towards the DFOers): I think not. It is you who will be sor-

Suddenly a bright green Prius slams into Man in Plaid #2, sending him flying through the air, to land in a heap on the pavement. The Prius skids to a sideways stop and Wolfman Rob looks out the window.

Wolfman Rob: Hey, sorry about yer friend, there! That’s why they call these things the “Silent Killers,” y’know!

Ballsofsteelandfury (totally discombobulated): Wha…? How…?

Wolfman Rob (pointing his thumb at the giant speakers sticking out of the open hatchback): I ususally got the tunes goin’ so you can hear me comin’, but ol’ Mable needs her beauty sleep! Ain’t that right, girl?

In the passenger seat sits a delapidated inflatable doll. It doesn’t reply. It’s seen…too much.

Man in Plaid #1 (pulling a futuristic raygun out of his jacket): Now you have made me angry!

Wolfman Rob: Uh-oh! Narcs! Get in, boys!

Ballsofsteelandfury (pushing Low Commander of the Super Soldiers into the back seat of the Prius): You don’t have to tell us twice!

Wolfman Rob hits the accelerator and the Prius burns rubber and streaks away, Ballsofsteelandfury hanging from the open door for a moment before getting all the way in.

Wolfman Rob: That was a close one! But it’s gonna take more than a narc in a spiffy jacket to catch ol’ Wolfman Rob!

Ballsofsteelandfury (looking at the car): This Prius looks familiar…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers (pulling a box of cookies out of a bag): Suddenly I understand why you pasties eat this stuff.

Wolfman Rob (glancing in the rear view mirror): You brought the ¡SPONCH!? Well it’s sure a party now! ARRROOOOOOOO!!!

To be continued…