INT. DFO PRODUCTION OFFICE – DAY

A pair of sleazy Hollywood producers are seated behind the desk, having a conversation (via speakerphone) with their location manager. 

JOLIET JAKE DELHOMME: …and so the HOA manager is asking us to pay to have the homes power washed.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY: Okay.  So, uh, first off, no.

DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS: We’ve already done all the, uh, color-matching?

He glances at RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY, who shrugs.

JJD: He says the residents would like the homes to look as nice as possible if they’re going to be on television.  Property values and all that.

DTZM: He understands why we chose that complex as a location for shooting, right?

JJD: I don’t think so, no.

RTD: [punches the “mute” button] Because it looks like a location where a shooting would happen?

DTZM: [giggles] Shut up, shut up. [unmutes the speakerphone] Listen, we’re going for a really gritty feel.  Dystopian, you know?

JJD: I mean, I do, but I’m not sure how to put that to these guys. They’re proud of their homes.  And to be fair, this is the nicest neighborhood in Joliet.

RTD: Tell them that they are rock stars for suggesting it, but that the “somewhat weathered” look is what we need for the story.

DTZM: Yeah, it’s all about the story, you know?

JJD: And then we’ll do the power washing afterwards?

RTD: Huh?  Oh, no, we don’t have the budget for that.

JJD: But I thought we had ten million dollars for this episode alone.

DTZM: Right.  We don’t have the budget for that.

He winks at the speakerphone.

RTD: [to DTZM] He can’t see you, you know.

JJD: Did he wink?

RTD: Of course he winked.  Anyhow, we’ve got to get going, we’ve got an appointment that was supposed to start an hour ago.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY punches the button to end the call, then leans back in his chair and yawns, then gazes out the window.  DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS fiddles with his Apple Watch.  Eventually, RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY leans forward again and punches the intercom button.

RTD: Traycee, can you send in our eleven o’clock?

TRAYCEE: [via intercom] I’m sorry, he hasn’t arrived yet.

RTD: He’s not even here?

DTZM: Ooh, I like him already.

RTD: Yeah, that’s a baller move.

TRAYCEE: Hang on, he’s…

— [DOOR FLIES OPEN] —

KLIFF KINGSBURY: What’s up, film sluts?

RTD: [momentarily caught off guard] Kliff, Kliff, so glad you could make it.

DTZM: Thanks for coming early.

KINGSBURY: Wait, I…

RTD: It’s a good thing our noon meeting got canceled and we could see your right away.

DTZM: Did Quentin give you a reason?

RTD: Just something about “being stuck barefoot in the snow”.

DTZM: [smiles, rolls his eyes, shakes his head] Anyhow, we’re glad you could make it, Clint.

KINGSBURY: Kliff. With a K.

DTZM: Right, right, so sorry.  So Kliff, word on the street is that you’re the hottest commodity in the NFL right now…

RTD: [fans himself dramatically]

DTZM: …and we wanted to talk to you about joining our team.

KINGSBURY: You mean acting?  My agent has already got something in the works with IMG, but it’s more of a modeling thing…

RTD: No, no, we’re talking about writing.

DTZM: We hear that you’re good at designing plays.  And we’re looking to expand our oeuvre to include design.

RTD: Interior, exterior, garment, you name it.

KINGSBURY: So…fashion.

DTZM: Not fashion, design.  “Design” is the mot of the maintenant, you know?

RTD: [aside to DTZM] You’ve really been sticking to your Duolingo, huh?

DTZM: [aside to RTD] I’ve been good! Haven’t missed a day all month. [to KLIFF KINGSBURY]  What do you say?  Is that something you’d be interested in?

KINGSBURY: Actually, yes.  I’ve got a lot of thoughts about, well…let’s call it political system design.  You see, I’ve been reading about this thing called “Replacement Theory” and…

RTD: I’m going to stop you right there…

DTZM: We try to stay away from the political realm here.

RTD: It’s not good for business.

KINGSBURY: Um.  Oh.  Okay.  I, uh,  bought this clothes drying rack that’s been really pissing me off lately, I guess I could write about that.

DTZM: Product design!  I love it!

RTD: [to DTZM] Let’s pencil him in for 500 words next week, what should we call it?

KINGSBURY: How about “Kliff Kingsbury’s Corner”? Except “Corner” is spelled with a K?

DTZM: [Thinks it over] Yeah, maybe let’s workshop that a little bit.

RTD: Kliff Kingsbury’s Scheme Korner?

DTZM: Oh, that’s much better.

KINGSBURY: K.K.S.K.?

RTD: I love it!

DTZM: Just rolls off your tongue.

RTD: It’s very memorable.

KINGSBURY: Um…okay.  I guess I’ll write something up for you guys for next week?

DTZM: Great, great.

RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY and DARKEST TIMELINE ZACK MORRIS stand up.

KINGSBURY: So how much are you guys going to pay me for…

RTD: Kliff, Kliff, this is an audition.  You don’t get paid for auditions.  You only get paid if you get the part.

KINGSBURY: Oh, but…

DTZM: I hate to be rude but it’s kind of gauche to even bring it up…

The two of them hustle KLIFF KINGSBURY out of the office and settle back into their respective chairs.

DTZM: All right!  Another week’s worth of content is on the books.

RTD: We can’t keep pulling this new guy/pilot episode shit every week.  We need more consistency.

DTZM: Speaking of every week, it’s time for Request Line.

RTD: Oh man.  Got anything?

DTZM: No…hey, how about that “Replacement Theory” business he mentioned.  Songs about things that are new, or are being replaced.

RTD: I love it! Do you have an intro song in mind?

DTZM: I actually do.  [punches intercom] Traycee, tell Alexa to play Out with the Old by Alley Life.