Monday Morning Mock Draft, Chapter The 15th, I think

One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.

Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.

Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.

First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.

Today is July 5th, which means that America has been 245-years-old for all of one day. In honor of this birthday, today’s draft topic is the admittedly broad topic ‘Americana.’ Americana is defined as “related to the history, geography, folklore, and cultural heritage of the United States of America. Americana is any collection of materials and things concerning or characteristic of the United States or of the American people and representative or even stereotypical of American culture as a whole.” Might be blue jeans, might be hamburgers, might be imperialism in the service of capitalism. If you think it reflects the USofA, you go right ahead and draft it.

Have at it! And remember:

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TheRevanchist

Since I am late to the party, my first pick is Heinz ketchup. To ketchup with everyone else, I am also picking steroid-era baseball, which is the best era of baseball since before the banning of the spitball.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Hey good lookin’, we’ll be back to pick you up later!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqIrzkPDtrk

Last edited 2 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Gumbygirl

Oh God, the cringe. The only thing worse was when everyone got cb radios. That’s a big 10-4, good buddy!

Viva La Tabula Raza

My FCC CB radio license/call number was KKD9806, the Midnight Rambler (after the Rolling Stones song, as well as the 1968 Javelin I had at the time (made by AMC/Rambler).

Game Time Decision

that’s a Texas sized 10-4, good buddy

Gumbygirl

Drive in movies

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Viva La Tabula Raza

There was a drive-in in Loma Linda that me and my buds frequently invaded. Saw Jaws for the first time there, when it first came out in 1975. It’s weird to think about movies being shown for their first run at a drive in!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is this one of those snake drafts where your following pick of “unintended pregnancies” happens immediately thereafter?

Gumbygirl

I did not get pregnant at the drive in, like some cheap skank! I got pregnant on Gumby’s parent’s rec room couch, like a fucking lady.

Warthog

Ice in drinks.

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scotchnaut

McDonalds, you fat fucks. [sucks in stomach]

scotchnaut

I seemed to have sorta Blair Witched myself but not fully, completely.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Worldwide US military presence. Americana!comment image

yeah right

Crippling student loan debt that can destroy your credit for decades if not for life.

Last edited 2 years ago by yeah right
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

6. Handlebar Moustaches. Also handlebar moustache rides.
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Viva La Tabula Raza

I could never get used to Sam Elliot without the ‘stache in Justified.

Gumbygirl

Legal weed stores, oh hell yeah!

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ballsofsteelandfury

Amsterdam would like a word.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Amsterdam has forgotten what it was going to say.

WCS

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Gumbygirl

Deep thoughts

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Viva La Tabula Raza

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Last edited 2 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m not terribly worried about the future of the world. Life actually flourished quite well in a high carbon-dioxide setting. Sure, there were no humans, but I assure you we won’t be missed.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

5. Persecution of Witches. The Salem Witch Trials, Christine O’Donnell, and OH YEAH

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=a_Hw4bAUj8A

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Christine O’Donnell’s “I am not a witch” bit was one of the most hilarious downfalls in American political history.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Today’s crop of nutty congresspeople definitely saw that example and took heed.

ballsofsteelandfury

Commercials for men that can’t get their dick hard.
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ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve never seen those commercials in any other country in the world.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Can’t spell Canucks without “cucks” amirite?

/not sure how that’s relevant

litre_cola

Oh we get a Viagra ad, howevah they are not allowed to tell you what pharmaceuticals do to you up here. They just say ask your doctor if Experion is right for you. They are kind of like little drug mysteries.

Gumbygirl

Newspaper advice columns

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Speaking of advice columns, @bfc the Dr. Mrs. is trying to get me to express an opinion on Rachel Nichols what should I do?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Yeah.

ballsofsteelandfury

Seems like a fairly simple answer.

ballsofsteelandfury

As a happily married man, you don’t find either of them attractive.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That article sucked. But Rachel Nichols is attractive.

Gumbygirl

She should have kept her mouth shut. That’s my opinion.

scotchnaut
Gumbygirl

But she’s so purty!

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Gumbygirl

Food on a stick

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ballsofsteelandfury

BBQ and arguing about BBQ
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WCS

Pretty much anything from Mike Judge.
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yeah right

Over capitalized health care systems with copays bordering on usury.

I think I’ve got this now.

Warthog
Last edited 2 years ago by Warthog
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I think Balls already drafted…oh, jazz. Never mind.

Warthog

That’s why I went back and added a music clip.

Gumbygirl

Dogs in costumes

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4. Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tviyAIS9c_U

blaxabbath

We do seem to like meat. Might as well call this place the United States of Nassib!

::Quietly accepts ban with head held high #WWG1WGA::

Fronkenshteen

James fucking Brown, baby.
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Last edited 2 years ago by Fronkenshteen
Game Time Decision

GTD twists ankle just watching this

blaxabbath

::ACL explodes reading one comment::

-Sam Bradford

ballsofsteelandfury

Ooh! That gives me an idea!

I’ll take the hot chick in very little clothing posing next to a sports car.
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scotchnaut

And I’ll take NASCAR. TURN LEFT, BUBBA!

blaxabbath

WE’RE TRADIN’ PAINT!

Game Time Decision

Hot chick on a bike too

//something something crotch rocket something something

ballsofsteelandfury

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blaxabbath

America: the only nation with REAL MEN!

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WCS
blaxabbath

Is school shootings an international thing?

Last edited 2 years ago by blaxabbath
blaxabbath

Meh.

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ballsofsteelandfury

I’ll take Spring Break. That annual festival of naked flesh, heavy binge drinking, and bad decisions.

ballsofsteelandfury

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Game Time Decision

love the old Jesus dude perving out to all the kids in the background.

Last edited 2 years ago by Game Time Decision
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Man I should do that and see if any chicks start one-upping each other trying to “tempt” me.

Game Time Decision

I’m sure that there’s a movie or 3 with that as a plot.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Seems like it would fit nicely into the “Old School” or “Hall Pass” or “Wedding Crashers” genre aka the VaughnWilson school of filmmaking.

Don T

🎶Aaah… The Simpsoooons🎶
I mean, c’mon!

Don T

Simpsons bit stuck in my head lately, making me laugh like an idiot:

Krusty (to Bart): Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris. Research scientists drinking champagne. I try to drink a Coje on the bus, and they tbrow away ma pass!

WCS

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Game Time Decision

Been thinking about this, gonna take Hollywood and the whole movie industry.
/ totes gets that there are YUGE issues within that industry

yeah right

Systemic racism.

Am I doing this right?

scotchnaut

Yes, if you’re America. However, I don’t think that’s exclusive to you guys.

Don T

Not quite.
-Adolf H.

scotchnaut

Elvis. And I mean the whole package-the impersonators with their massive guts spilling over their belts, the ‘He’s Still Alive!’ people, the black velvet paintings, the homo-erotic hip-shaking in a faux prison cell, the gaudy shitbox that is Graceland, dying on a toilet, etc. It’s all gloriously hilarious to some and worthy of veneration to others. You’re weird America.

Gumbygirl

You’re welcome, Canada!

Don T

The NFL!
hang your head in shame

Don T

Hispanic Guy: How can you stand this bare display of jingoism and gr*ng* shit?!

Me: /looking at screen/ violence violence OMGWHATACATCH

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. Macrobrewed lagers.
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Don T

“Well, it’s a beer for banquets…”
/leans seductively into wall or shrub

Tested in the field, 50% pickup accuracy.

Beerguyrob

As a Canadian, I would like to thank America for cheap gas. The second that border opens, towns like Blaine, WA are going to be crushed by Canadians looking to top up cheaper than the $1.70/litre we are paying this morning.
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Please note those are Canadian veteran plates.

Last edited 2 years ago by Beerguyrob
litre_cola

Big portions of food. Truly when in your land I throw any healthy food sense out the window and go full glutton.

scotchnaut

Yes. I tend to go bananas my first few days when I travel there before common sense (and indigestion) kicks in. That instinct doesn’t rear its head when I travel to other countries or larger cities within The Canada.

Don T

Welcome Best Western Yelp reviewers!

blaxabbath

Wiki wiki wild wild….

https://youtu.be/_zXKtfKnfT8

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Listen, Mark Zuckerberg can die in a fire for all I’m concerned, but don’t try to tell me that riding a motorized surfboard while waving an American flag isn’t cool.

ballsofsteelandfury

As a surfer, you know damn well that riding a motorized surfboard is not cool.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Eh, it’s not really a surfboard if it’s motorized anyways. It’s more of a wakeboard – hence the straps.

scotchnaut

Thanksgiving Day football is the most wonderful-est American thing in ever.

I realize there’s a lot to choose from but jeebus, guys.

ballsofsteelandfury

This is true. It’s the best thing America has produced.

ballsofsteelandfury

Since it’s been a half hour, I’ll select Uncle Sam.

Since America couldn’t be the Fatherland or the Motherland, it decided to be the creepy uncle that molests you while pretending everything’s fine.
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Last edited 2 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
ballsofsteelandfury

With my second pick, The Balls of Steel and Fury select:

Faux Incest Porn.

Only in America…
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Last edited 2 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I can’t believe you drafted this and not Bored & Ignored.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. It’s been long enough, so I’ll take free/cheap land. Must have been nice when they were literally just handing out homesteads like candy.

Game Time Decision

The Oregon Trail would like to thank you for your donation.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Emma Radacanu is a little too young to be my new tennis crush, but maybe in a few years.
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Viva La Tabula Raza

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ballsofsteelandfury

Red white and blue bunting at baseball games. Don’t know why, but I love it.
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Last edited 2 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Is that an America thing? I always associated it that rebel country, what the hell were they called again? Loserville? Traitorstan?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. Fireworks, but only before I owned pets.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

CHIP KELLY: …

COMMISSIONER: [hastily interrupting] No you can’t draft that Chip.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Drafting “Texas not being a part of the United States” seems like it would be a good late-round flier.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It was a part of American history!

blaxabbath

McDonald’s french fries.

Good ones.

Gumbygirl

I had some the other day that were so hot they burned my fingers! Didn’t stop me from cramming them in my maw like a starving Ethiope. It was practically a religious experience.

ballsofsteelandfury

That would have been my pick!!