One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.
Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.
First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.
Before launching into this week, I have to give a big thank you to The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem, who so ably filled in for me while I was on vacation and generally minimizing my electronic time. Also I was too lazy to get one in ahead of time. The Rev jumped right in, and while I noticed he made fun of himself for not being a suitable replacement for yours truly, I just want to say, don’t sell yourself short, Rev; you’re a tremendous slouch.
And that one-liner, from ‘Caddyshack’, of course, brings is to this week’s topic: Memorable Lines. The rules are simple, until I disagree with your pick and arbitrarily change them. You can select from any medium, film, TV, literature of any kind, so long as the line you choose is NO MORE THAN ONE SENTENCE. You can, of course, include the set-up line, or lines, to get to the one-liner. Context, like bacon, makes everything better. Doesn’t have to be comedy; if you like a one-liner from a dramatic movie, a romance, or -sigh- a goddamn porno, well, you go right ahead and draft it.
I’ve been toying with this one for most of the day now, and my first pick is probably the best pick possible for this draft:
With that gauntlet thrown down, the rest of you are on the clock
Uuuuuuwhat are you doing here?
https://youtu.be/dCer2e0t8r8
“I like to think the last thing that went through his head, other than that bullet, was how the hell Andy Dufrense got the best of him.”
This movie is chock full of them,
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KO_OAPBDnUE
/Taps the “This is how you get Blair Witches” sign
I looked – where was “Bull Durham” picked?
It’s not that. It’s making another pick in a reply instead of a new comment.
Aah, now I understand.
Double d’oh!
“You said rape twice!”
Fifth pick:
I stand corrected that no one else will use history of the world but stand by my choice of “hey motherfucker”
“What we have here is a failure to communicate.”
&ct=g
I sense an ‘Always Sunny’-themed draft in the future.
106 miles to Chicago, we have a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it’s dark, and we’re wearing sunglasses–hit it
https://youtu.be/gvKs2VLmVnY
5th pick:
My fourth pick:
“Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?”
Speaking of problematic movies you couldn’t make today…
Don’t know what you’re talking about…
“LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!”
“Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.”
Someone else hit The Wire already, but I think that “Is you taking notes on a criminal conspiracy?” is still available.
I still remember watching that episode and absolutely laughing my ass off at that line.
SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT
That almost breaks the one sentence rule!
Yeah, save it for the ‘Soliloquies” draft!
5. Dramas. “O Captain, My Captain”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j64SctPKmqk
I’m really late to this and there’s no way someone else is picking from History of the World so my next one is:
Calmer than you are.
https://media3.giphy.com/media/13t2OTCFzCqJbO/giphy.webp?cid=6c09b95270dee4f242efbab495d2aadaf15582b9f2fa0e64&rid=giphy.webp&ct=g
Fuck you, giphy
It’s because it ends in .webp
You end in webp
No – I end on Thursday.
“Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.”
Great late round pick up.
Yeah, that’s an all-timer.
Too bad Roman Polanski rapes children.
“Is he available to run for President?”
–Most of today’s GOP
Indeed. Bit of a shame, that.
Didn’t see a “Do Not Post Any Quotes From Movies Directed by Child Rapists” directive above, so I went ahead…
Chinatown is a great movie. We separate the art from the artist around here.
“Forget it Horatio, it’s Hollywood.”
We sure do! That’s why you don’t see much of Ben Garrisson’s work posted here: it’s awful. And that has nothing to do with him being an awful person, too.
Ugh. Reminds me of two more great quotes from the Blues Brothers.
“The Jew is using the Black as muscle against You”
and
“I hate Illinois Nazis”
I guess that sh*tcans the quote from “Annie Hall” that I had all lined up, dammit.
Guess I need to feel bad about posting the quote from a Kevin Spacey/Bryan Singer film now.
Second pick Dirty Harry Division:
“When a naked man is chasing a woman through a dark alley with a butcher knife and a hard on, I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Red Cross.”
From another movie filled with great one liners.
Keaton or Bale –
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDrDUmuUBTo&ab_channel=Bobzeda
YOU ARE A FACTORY OF SADNESS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRBDMMVctu8&ab_channel=clevelandthundercat
Great pull.
We would also have accepted “I’ll see you Sunday”
4th pick:
That’s high quality value.
I probably would have gone with “Lady, I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to leave the store” or “It’s a trick; get an axe.”
But still a very fine pick, to be clear.
My daughter has requested this one, from The Outsiders: ‘Stay gold, Ponyboy.”
“Ah beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life’s problems.”
Put a colon in there, sailor.
D’oh!
Doesn’t that work the other way around? At least once under way.
Also edited for punctuation.
I thought the sailor would be in the colon, at least while underway.
The last two replies have lit the signal
Saw ‘Unforgiven’ cited and got nervous, but on further review this all-timer is still available.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4pRe8ul7KQ
Maybe the best single movie line ever.
Agreed. Really should have taken that first. Stunned it lasted this long.
I considered taking that one, but I liked the one I took better.
Also a solid choice. They both perfectly sum up the movie.
First pick from the Dirty Harry Division:
“Nobody but NOBODY puts ketchup on a hotdog.”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iayLBI7nsE0
“Now that’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that.”
Not particularly profound, but definitely memorable…
“It was nothing like that, Penis Breath!!!”
For my pick, I have to go with Jackie Gleason from Smokey and The Bandit.
“There’s no way, no way, you can come from my loins.”
But I would rather be alone than pretend I feel alright. – Win Butler
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwdUVjyxWrM
Last one/ best one
https://youtu.be/qpGx4foRdPw
Kirk: “Spock, where the hell is the power you promised?”
Spock: “One damn minute, Admiral.”
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=aVsFbTmxQ7o
Anytime I go outside in the summer.
Yes!
I’ll also go Hitchhikers:
“If there’s anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.”
Pity this is a 2 sentence quote: “In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move”
From Hitchhikers Guide. Seems apt for this day and age…
“Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.”
+42.
Gumby #2
.
I’m kinda like a prettier Jesus.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvsP_lzh2-8
This movie has a million of them
Indeed. My personal favorite is: “Oh, we got both kinds; We got Country AND Western!”
4. Sports movie. “You’re gonna eat lightning and you’re gonna crap thunder!”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=o0CXUv-xxtY
For the greater good.
The greater good
“[You are the] worst human being known to man.”
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nbcnews.com/news/amp/ncna1274968
Oh hell yes!
“I’m crushing your head!”
-KITH
Here’s Gumby’s first one