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Pre-Season Bukkake Saturday Night Open Thread

King Hippo

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That’s right, NFL Network’s Glorious Quadrupleheader continues, with the 2nd half of Donks/Vikes RITE NOW!  DUUUUUUUVVVVVAAAAALLLLLL and #ThePauls follow at 7p, with the Battle FOAR Los Angeles to close matters at 10p.  I choose sleep, in that’un.

So, that gets you set for viewing options.  Fuck baseball.  Let’s segue into new feature What Did We Learn Today?

  1. Wakey’s Red Devils is good.  Mighty, mighty good.  Paul Pogba became the first United player with 4 assists in a Premiership match.  Some rando from Brasil bagged a hat trick, too.
  2. Chelski aren’t going to fall apart as I hoped/predicted.  Either that, or new look Palace are vile shite.  I mean, with that most squad turnover, I guess growing pains are to be expected.
  3. I despise Rafael Benitez, but it would seem he can at least shame his charges with a proper halftime talk.  Saints are lousy, and losing to them on opening day would have sucked all the ass.  And UNLIKE BALLS, Hippo don’t approve of that.
  4. I watched Tua and Strawberry Fields instead of the Redshite.  Fookin’ ask somebody else.
  5. Team #WhiteLivesMatter blew a late lead to Graham Potter’s Trashbirds.  And threw away ALL THREE points, not just two.  Feel free to point and laugh, we won’t judge.
  6. Mighty Whitey take their first steps toward trading yo-yo places with Norwich.  Is their ideal situation to finish on 88 points?
  7. You get pouty Harry Fuckface Kane against his suitors tomorrow morning.  This bullet point ain’t exactly learning, MOAR LIEK a gentle reminder.

Talk about what you will.  No, me and yeah right did not make a shame bet on our Exhibition Derby.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

Everyone asleep?

0
TheRevanchist

My BIL who is a Broncos fan sent this to me.

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TheRevanchist

She got her hair did the other day. I posted one pic in Slack with bows and a clown collar. Here is one with more of a camping theme.

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TheRevanchist

Rewatching the KC game and eating cheddar. This is the life.

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Doktor Zymm

What kind of cheddar?

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TheRevanchist

It is aged and orange so probably made in California or the Midwest. Bought it in slices under the brand Cello (doesn’t mean they made the cheese, as there is a lot of co-packs). Based on dryness, not more than 6 months aged. Pretty good still.

1
Senor Weaselo

Today in license plate hijinx (for the under-35 crowd):

“W4WUMBO”

I approve, because it’s first grade, SpongeBob.

1
Doktor Zymm

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kAolRyx3kII

1
Brick Meathook

Here’s another submarine story. I hope these don’t bore you.

This is the oil spill story.

The majority of our officers were U.S. Naval Academy graduates. They were outstanding leaders, highly trained and educated, and very self confident. Not a single martinet in the bunch, because they didn’t need to be.

We were at our base at King’s Bay Georgia prepping for our 40 day patrol, and one night I was up on deck pumping fresh lubricating oil out of a 55 gallon drum down into the engineering spaces in a pouring Georgia rain storm.

I still don’t know what happened but a hose parted and lube oil went everywhere. I stopped it, but oil was everywhere.

My lieutenant came up to the deck and this was the conversation:

LIEUTENANT: What the hell happened up here?

ME: I don’t know sir.

LIEUTENANT: It’s increasingly apparent that you don’t know. However, I’m officially placing you in command of cleaning up this filthy mess, and you’ll be doing it by yourself. Are we clear?

ME: Clear as a bell sir.

LIEUTENANT: Good. Get on the stick and carry on. Report to me when you’re done.

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Senor Weaselo

So, what happened?

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Brick Meathook

I stood up there on the deck and watched the Georgia rain wash all the oil away. My lieutenant probably forgot that speech about five minutes after he gave it, but I think that was by design. .

2
Gumbygirl

I’m going to read. We’re going to Gumby’s sister’s tomorrow for a pool party/ barbeque before the kids go to college,so I won’t be around much. You will miss me!

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Doktor Zymm

We will! Have all of the fun!

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Doktor Zymm

No one is here. PENIS PENIS BOOBY CLITORIS GONAAAAAAAAD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUaPJJBYBLw

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[covers Eli’s eyes]

1
Doktor Zymm

SEX AND VIOLENCE AND NORMAL BODILY FUNCTIONS

1
TheRevanchist

I am a virgin so I do not know what you are talking about.

1
Doktor Zymm

Dear Rozeboom. Your hair is not attractive.
Dear every defensive player, please tackle Rozeboom by his hair and rip out as much of it as possible.

0
Doktor Zymm

The preseason is GOLD. We can only hope to see such a mess in the regular season.

0
TheRevanchist

The announcers have been atrocious. I feel like they are auditioning people just so they can justify Joe Buck. That’s how terrible even that has been.

1
Doktor Zymm

“hey baby, I will infract your neutral zone”
Nah, nawt a hot pickup line.

1
Doktor Zymm

I did put the shitty wine in the freezer, and now it is frozen solid. I should have put it into an alternate container so I could enjoy it in slushee form.

2
Doktor Zymm

Ah good, it is melting fast, and slushee crap wine is going into the grapefruit fizzy water

1
Doktor Zymm

Oh hell yes, 7-11 WISHES it could make a slurpee like this!

3
Sharkbait

Thaw it in the fridge and re-package.

2
TheRevanchist

I ventured out to get Midori. Thought I made too much Midori sour but it seems to be all gone and I still feel thirsty. Back to the kitchen to make a shit ton more!

2
TheRevanchist

Bring back Mina Kimes! I don’t need to hear this bullshit about the stadium.

1
Doktor Zymm

Yeah, no one gives even a shriveled shit about the stadium. It is ugly as fuck when you fly into LA, and I call BS on the ocean breezes, those only last about 5 blocks and the stadium is nowhere near that close.

1
TheRevanchist

I haven’t drove to LA in since pre-COVID. I wanted to go see KC before that, but they were playing in Mexico City, so I couldn’t even watch them fuck up the Northern San Diego Football Team. And I’m not paying that much for parking, so F that.

2
Brick Meathook

Here’s another submarine story. I hope these don’t bore you.

This is the Hospital Corpsman story.

U.S. Navy submarines don’t carry a doctor, we carried a “Hospital Corpsman.” I don’t know much about the medical industry, but our corpsman was a real registered nurse (RN) and I think that is one of the most noble occupations ever, certainly better than anything I ever did.

“Corpsman” is a naval term. In the army they are called “medics” and it’s the same.
During my tour, we had two different Corpsmen due to duty rotations, and both of them were the nicest guys I ever met in my life. They had enormous hearts and they were very good at their jobs and duty. I have enormous respect for them.

Now, we only had 115 guys on our crew, which is very small. The Engineering Department (which I was in) and the Weapons Department would engage in a schoolboy rivalry on patrol. It was just young men (boys really) knocking heads. We would pull pranks on each other. It was very healthy and built “esprit de corps” and nobody ever “crossed the line.” We were a team; it was all fun.

But the cooks and the corpsman were absolutely “off limits” for any of this nonsense. They had an exalted place within the crew. They were treated with respect, which they deserved.

Before a boat leaves on patrol, there are two guys who are required to be trained and certified to do medical sutures. The first is the corpsman, because that’s his job. The second guy is the Executive Officer (also known as the XO) who is second in command on the boat. He also had to be qualified to do sutures.

That was in case we had to sew up the corpsman.

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Sharkbait

What was the best prank you were involved in?

1
Brick Meathook

Sending electric shocks into a guy’s penis through his urine stream when he was in the head, using an electrical test device. That was quality work.

3
Gumbygirl

Gumby’s first boat was a boomer that had just been converted to a slow attack. On one of the last patrols, a chief died of a heart attack. They weren’t allowed to end the patrol early, so they put him in the walk in. They called him the Chiefsicle. He ended up all over the boat, in officer’s racks, etc. They stuck him behind the movie screen, and when they turned on the projector, there’s poor old dead chief. It’s kind of horrible, but typical submarine humor.

2
Brick Meathook

Oh my God that is awful but I can totally believe it.

We would be so exhausted on patrols that any diversion was welcome.

Anything was funny.

2
Gumbygirl

They had an all out brawl once on the mess decks because they were disagreeing whether thin spaghetti and vermicelli are the same thing or not.

1
Doktor Zymm

They are absolutely the same thing. The Eye-ties had distinct words for every pasta thing, there is no such thing as ‘thin’ spaghetti, if it is not standard spaghetti it is not spaghetti.

2
herodotus450

Sam Neil or a bottle of St. Remy are the only XOs I want in my life.

1
Gumbygirl

Gumby got shingles on a med cruise. Nobody appreciates corpsmen more than him, morphine for days!

2
2Pack

Same thing with medics in an Infantry platoon. You mess with our doc… you get 42 grunts worth of problems.

Last edited 4 years ago by 2Pack
1
TheRevanchist

KC with the win. Not that these games matter at all, but I will take the small positive.

0
Sharkbait

Just remember, the 2008 Lions went 4-0 in the pre-season

0
TheRevanchist

It’s better for most people if we all forget them Loins.

1
Doktor Zymm

About 10 years back I did a statistical analysis of preseason results v. regular season. Nothing significant, although if you went 0-4 in the preseason it was slightly less likely that you would make the playoffs.

4
Sharkbait

That is fantastically nerdy. I love it.

3
Doktor Zymm

Really regretting I didn’t strip out the light fixtures from my babcia’s house before it was sold for demolition

1
litre_cola

Polish? Chicago. Adds up.

1
Doktor Zymm

From the Ukraine/Poland border and house was in middle of Pennsylvania, a big Victorian in Williamsport that was eventually razed for a hospital expansion

1
Gumbygirl

I have some friends from Williamsport. They live in Pittsburgh now.

1
Doktor Zymm

If Google maps is to be believed, the house is still standing

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Doktor Zymm

Oh nevermind, the image capture is 2015 🙁

0
Gumbygirl

I lived in a house like that when I was in kindergarten. Just for a few months, while our house was being built. Lots of stairs.

1
Doktor Zymm

The front staircase you see there was actually built by my grandfather (dzadza) way before I was born. Apparently it used to be a wood porch, and the whole place was dilapidated so when it collapsed he replaced it. My family used to live on the ground floor while another family lived on the upper floor, at some point the ceiling collapsed and they fixed it all. Not entirely clear how my grandparents ended up owning the whole thing, but they did a lot of work on it, and by the time I was around it was in great shape. Beautiful house.

1
Gumbygirl

Aquib Talib just said that someone “takes a lot of pride in his unit.” Clearly he was not referring to Fronk!

Last edited 4 years ago by Gumbygirl
3
Dunstan

“I wonder what it’d be like to take pride in your unit.” — Brett Favre

2
Gumbygirl

He’s proud of every inch. All three of them.

1
TheRevanchist

I know the feels.

1
Horatio Cornblower

The Yankees took a 7-4 lead in the 10th, Zach Britton comes in to pitch the bottom of the 10th and it is now 7-5 with two men on, one out, and Britton shaking like Robert Downey, Jr. trying to clean up for that sweet, sweet Iron Man money.

1
Fronkenshteen

Wife is horny, but I’ve had too much booze. Time to turn my tongue into Paul Pogba. Hammers at 9:00! See you in the morning. DOWN PERISCOPE!!

5
litre_cola

Good huntin!

1
Horatio Cornblower

Her poor, poor belly button.

6
Sharkbait

Tonight’s role of Gene Simmons will be played by Fronkenshteen

3
Doktor Zymm

Respect to Ricky Gervase for losing a bunch of weight and becoming a young American football player

0
Doktor Zymm

Does E26 v E27 still matter with smart LED lights? I’ve decided to buy new fixtures for Chicago condo, since the painters 3 years ago didn’t bother to reattach any of the bases for the fixtures, and one of them has just been dangling from a wire for the past 3 years even while some weird chick (according to the neighbors) rented the place for 2 of those years.

0
herodotus450

some weird chick

So you uh… still got her number?

3
Doktor Zymm

Weird in the sense that she didn’t notice when smoke detectors did their low battery chirp, and she cooked a lot of really smelly fish

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, I know it’s not worth a shit going forward, but it is nice to see the 0.500s do well up against the Peckers.

1
King Hippo

I don’t think either of these squadrons wants possession of Los Angeles badly enough. Booky-book time it is.

0
Horatio Cornblower

And Chad Green blows it.

The only person surprised is Aaron Boone.

1
SonOfSpam

I hope he doesn’t get depressed go the Robin Williams route.

Nothing good happens with hanging Chads.

1
Recovery Whiskey

Just spent the day at inlaws trumper kid’s wedding reception. Outdoors thankfully. The groom appears to be unaware he’s marrying a Dependa. But they seem happy at least.

How the F are you fine people.

5
litre_cola

Spent the morning with the kid now tipsy and hash stoned, so everything is A-OK.

2
Doktor Zymm

I hope Funk gets the job
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gBWH3OWfT2Y

3
SonOfSpam

We Rams fans want the Funk. Gotta have the Funk.

2
herodotus450

Rewatching Breaking Bad and, as expected, am distracted by the neurotic business lady Lydia Qualman-Something. Turns out one of her early roles was in film called Virtual Sexuality…

1
yeah right

She needs a packet of Stevia.

2
Doktor Zymm

Good thing they’re generous about intentional grounding in the preseason

0
Horatio Cornblower

Kid for the Diamondbacks, a Triple-A team (at best) that is somehow allowed to play major league teams, just made his major league debut and threw a no-hitter.

Might as well retire now.

3
SonOfSpam

As a 27 year old rookie, you know he was highly regarded.

The Padres are gonna drive Low Commander to drink.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Yes. “To drink”

2
Doktor Zymm

Ugh, this rose is sweet and gross and also the most expensive of the wines I bought today. Gonna put it in the freezer and hope for the best.

0
litre_cola

Add juice and gin. Problem solved.

2
Doktor Zymm

Good idea, gin and lime is a better idea for making this palatable than trying to magically transform into the type of woman the 1980’s American blended “wine” beverage market tried to sell pink wine to.

2
Doktor Zymm

Oooh, or the grapefruit pelligrino!

1
Sharkbait

Thats the move.

3
Horatio Cornblower

I’d trust Sharkbait on this topic.

2
Doktor Zymm

This is delicious, you are 100% correct.

2
Gumbygirl

Yes. Needs sparkle. You could float the gin on top.

2
SonOfSpam

Told ya adding “Vintner’s Reserve” to the label wasn’t gonna make Boone’s Farm any better.

3
Fronkenshteen

Is Zeke Elliott already cooked? How co-dependent are Zeke & Dak?

0
Doktor Zymm

If Dak leaves the league without a major injury I will be sadface

Edit: ZEKE, not Dak. Dak is okay. Zeke is very much not.

Last edited 4 years ago by Doktor Zymm
1
Horatio Cornblower

You mean “another” major injury, right?

Because last year’s was, yeesh.

2
Doktor Zymm

What, his calf strain? Big whoop.

1
Doktor Zymm

Ah shit, I meant Zeke. I like Dak. Fuck Zeke.

2
Horatio Cornblower

Ah, that makes more sense.

I wouldn’t sweat Zeke. Average RB starts petering out after 3-4 years, and I’ve seen nothing from Zeke that says he’s going to exceed that.

1
Doktor Zymm

Yeah, but there is petering out and there is debilitating pain with chronic consequences. There are good dudes out there who can barely walk. Zeke is not a good dude, and if he ends up on the nice side of the distribution, even by a little bit, I’m gonna be pissed.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Yanks reliever gets 2 quick outs, Boone runs out and yanks him for the increasingly unreliable Chad Green, Green immediately gives up a single.

Why do I watch this team? it can’t be good for my liver.

0
Fronkenshteen

You think Tampa is calling his moves in real time? I always found it fascinating this guy’s very first manager job is with the most successful sports franchise in American history, and he fucking sucks at it. No consequences, though. Consequences are for the Democrat party.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Not in real time, no, but I do think, (and it’s been confirmed by Cashman), that Boone is given an “ideal lineup” before each game by the analytics team, and I suspect they do the same with the bullpen. Boone allegedly has room to make changes as he sees fit, but I haven’t seen anything in his four seasons that tells me he’s capable of managing a baseball team.

I’m on record as saying that the Yankees will not win a WS with Boone as the manager. Frankly I don’t think they’ll even get to one. And I have real concerns that Hal Steinbrenner’s approach, which seems geared towards wringing as much profit as possible from the team so it can be spread among the rest of the family, is going, over the lung run, to turn the Yankees into a decidedly mediocre team.

So basically 1982-1994.

0
Horatio Cornblower

Seriously, in what world is .212 hitter Brett Gardner your best option as the #2 hitter?

0
Horatio Cornblower

Oh, look, he grounded out with two outs and two men in scoring position.

Hang on while I make my shocked face.

1
herodotus450

Not that it’ll do any good, but the next time someone you know talks bad about covid vaccination, you can tell them they are unironically on the side of the taliban
https://libertyunyielding.com/2021/08/14/taliban-ban-coronavirus-vaccine/

2
Horatio Cornblower

Yankees announcer talking about “forcing Tony LaRussa to make a decision”, and here I thought the ignition lock was there to take away his ability to make a decision.

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