Well that didn’t take long.

Last year’s preview was basically one long mea culpa about how wrong I had been to predict that the 2019 49ers would go 6-10, when they actually went to the Super Bowl.

The 2020 Niners promptly went…6-10. I wasn’t wrong, just early.

This year’s team does not hold a whole lot of promise, which is weird when you look at the talent of many of their individual players. They are what might be called a chainmail team. If you look at the links, they’re strong steel and should turn aside some heavy cuts. But to paraphrase…someone (Terry Pratchett?) from the arrow’s perspective it’s basically a series of interconnected holes.  GM John Lynch has put together a fair number of Names, but in between them are a whole bunch of below-replacement-level Guys.

Quarterback:

Well now, that is the big question. Jimmy Garoppolo is headed into his fifth year in San Francisco. “Really, he’s been there that long?” I hear you say.  Really, although you’d be forgiven for the confusion. Jimmy G has played less than two full seasons out of his three-and-a-half since being traded, starting more than five games only once. Last year he got injured Week 2, missed several games, sucked in his return and got benched, then played well against the Rams and New England before succumbing to a crippling case of Being Jimmy Garoppolo and slinking back to his second home on IR Island.

Lynch was actively shopping Garoppolo this offseason, reportedly asking a minimum first-round pick. For the privilege of paying $25 million per “year” (read: six games) for the next two years. I’ll let that sink in for a minute…

Fortunately, someone explained to Lynch that in today’s NFL, young QBs on rookie contracts are more valuable than expensive broke-ass retreads. Unfortunately, Lynch interpreted this to mean that if Jimmy was worth one first-round pick, such a rookie would be worth THREE. Lynch paid this princely sum to move up not to first, not to second, but THIRD in the draft order. This meant he would not even have his pick of the passers, nor even Sloppy Seconds. Inexplicable. The only good aspect is that it makes the Bears look even worse for being outfoxed by Lynch on the Trubisky deal.

Nick Mullens: gone. C.J. Beathard:

Gone. Now they have Nate “The Human Forfeit” Sudfeld and Josh Rosen. Fortunately they spent their Golden Draft Pick on Trey Lance, a literal one-year wonder out of Carson Wentz’s alma mater of North Dakota State University.  I’m waiting to see how Hippo sorts out the nicknaming on this- maybe Wentz becomes White Dakota Jeebus?

In any event, the plan appears to be run Jimmy into the turf again and hope Trey is ready to take over at that time. I’m not sure three quarters of regular season action is gonna be long enough.

Running and Receiving:

Raheem “Colonel” Mostert looks to lead a run-heavy pack, though third-rounder Trey Sermon and perpetual waiver-wire pickup Wayne Gallman are probably going to spell him regularly.

The important part of the 49ers passing game is the same, with Muscled-Up Kid Rock Impersonator George Kittle leading the way. Deebo Samuel is allegedly healthy after missing most of last season. On the other side is last year’s “leading” receiver, second-year man Brandon Aiyuk.

They also have the corpse of Mohamed Sanu, who is the oldest 32 year-old in NFL history. He’s so old that we can no longer make “I dunno, what’s Sanu with you?” jokes.

They resigned fullback Kyle Juszcyzk to another 5 year contract, this time for $25 mill. Can someone please get John Lynch a CTE exam?

OFFENSIVE LINE:

There is no reason for this unit to suck. Four of the five projected starters are well-regarded first-round picks, and the other one is a rookie second-rounder at guard. Injuries will decimate them

DEFENSIVE LINE:

Again, this unit should be awesome- all four starters were first rounders, and household names at that. Nick Bosa is supposed to be ready for opening day after his ACL tear, but no word on his mental preparation after Trump failed to retake office on August 13.

LINEBACKERS:

Still really good!  Fred Warner

got Paid. Dre Greenlaw is still pretty good

DEFENSIVE BACKS:

Fucked. Jimmie Ward is a safety, not a magician. If San Francisco does not lead the league in quarterback pressures, their secondary will be killed, flayed and staked out to dry in the blistering heat of Levi’s Stadium’s Sunny Side stands.

SPECIAL TEAMS:

Bears’ One Who Got Away Robbie Gould.

COACHING AND SCHEDULE:

Kyle Shanahan is still calling plays on offense. So…not great.

Robert Saleh finally got the call to be a head coach, though unfortunately it was with the Jets. He was replaced internally with DeMeco Ryans, a former All-Pro who was the Niners inside linebackers coach for the last three seasons. No clue how this will go. He still carries the Texans Taint.

The Niners’ schedule looks to be a little easier this year. The NFC West looks soft, and they start out with an Extended Preseason of Detroit and Philly. They also drew the Long Straws of the AFC South and Atlanta. They have a Week 6 bye, which is probably too early to switch to Lance on merit and too late to let Garoppolo recover before accumulated injuries put him on IR.

Frankly, this year is probably about setting up for next year. Shanahan is looking for either the Alex Smith or Chargers-Drew-Brees out of Garoppolo. If he’s not getting it, he’ll throw Lance in and hope there are enough flashes of potential to buy him another year of coaching.

PREDICTION:

It’s gonna be a weird one. The 49ers are building like they are One Piece Away, paying all their Named Guys huge money on a deferred basis (for instance, Fred Warner’s cap hit is $18 million in 2023). They traded away their first rounders the next two years, leaving them short on the ability to restock on cheap contracts.

But then they go and draft the consensus Least NFL Ready of the first-round quarterbacks. Even using the optimistic end of the New NFL Model, their window is precisely one year (2022) before the bill starts coming due and they have to shed salary like Atlanta and New Orleans.

6-10-1.