We’re halfway through the preseason. Not really; that’s a soothing miscalculation because there’s two more preseason games. But I can lie to myself like that noooo problem. And yet it’s true: the season will get here soon, and the games are fine as a nothing better to do.
Not enough to wreck a laptop, but it’s comforting to know they’re around to speculate.
NFL News
Much is made of the sickening number of lawyers in this site. Well, I’m no demographer, but Imma guess that there are more military folks than shysters. Less combative than attorneys too—but I digress.
This one goes out to the Armed Forces folks. The Navy gave CB Cameron Kinley a special exemption to delay his service to try out for the NFL. He was at Bucs training camp, until cut today. It got awkward when Arians thanked Kinley for his service.
Gimmick QB Watch: Sean Payton is not comparing Taysom Hill with Jameis right now. “They both sucked, K?” was the result my De-Euphemizer spit out when fed Payton’s actual assessment of both quarterbacks after a crushing, 17-14 loss to the Balti—ah HAHAHAHA just kidding who gives a shit.
I’ve always had a feeling that the Taysom Hill thing was a buildup of his trade value, not an actual grooming for a starting QB. I have zero doubts: Hill the QB has been featured less than the shark in “Jaws”. Methinks Payton is arrogant enough to overpay an idea.
In other pet projects, Aaron Rodgers is hitting his stride as Revisionist Autobiographer. He had an interview with Peter King—no link; even Bing can find that piece of public relations within the first page. Rodgers said that, during training camp last year, he thought 2020 was his last year as a Packer.
Don’t buy it. I think the earliest Rodgers has been wanting out of Green Bay was right after losing the NFC Final this year. Admitting so would’ve been bad form. So, a coupla weeks back, on July 28, Rodgers referred to himself as a “lame-duck quarterback”—a ridiculous statement coming from the current NFL MVP, who’s signed until the 2022 season. The self-pity may have been real, interesting even. But, as far as the NFL works, “lame-duck quarterback” is a meaningless phrase, and 100% utter bullshit coming out of A A Ron’s mouth. Hell, I want Rodgers to reach the 2021 Super Bowl with the Packers and then switch teams. Hard pass on his pretend-charm offensive, is all.
Today in Preseason Perennials:
-No QB starter for Week 1 yet – Pats
-No, veteran QB is Week 1 starter – Bears
-Dis at your peril, we’re a top unit – Jets defense
-Ascending (broadcast booth) – Alex Smith (ESPN analyst)
New Addition:
-Holding-in* – Jamal Adams. Very interesting story on the negotiations.
* “attending meetings and walk-throughs but not practicing—while seeking a long-term extension.”
SELF PROMOTION!1!1
We gots team previews.
Steelers (WCS)
49ers (RightRevMayhem)
Cardinals (blaxabbath)
Browns (TheRevanchist)
Falcons (Beerguyrob)
Bucs (SonOfSpam)
Broncos (KingHippo)
Sprots TONITE
All times Central
NBA Summer’s Eve
It’s accurate (stop it). Live from Vegas:
Pistons vs. Magick – 7:00 PM
Grizzlies vs. Clippies – 8:00 PM
Hornets vs. Bulls – 9:00 PM
Major League Stats
Atléticos (Montas, 9-8) @ Medias Blancas (Keuchel, 7-6) – 7:00 PM
CLE (Quantrill, 3-2) @ Twines (Jax, 3-1) – 7:10 PM
Guardians? Pfft. Wadda bunch o’ wimps. Should’ve gone the whole 404 ft and sprung for “Secret Police”.
Los Fokin Astros BOOOOOO! (Odorizzi, 5-6) @ Reales (Hernández (3-1) – 7:10 PM
Padres (Weathers, 4-5) @ Balboas (Senzaleta, 2-9) – 7:40 PM
Mets (Hill, 0-0) @ Gigantes (Gausman, 11-5) – 8:45 PM
Piratas (Brault, 0-1) @ Doyers (Undecided) – 9:10 PM
And finally,
This is my last PK mention for the 2021 season and postseason. If you want someone out of your life, don’t seek them out, don’t mention them or think about them. (This works for media splendidly.) Talking shit about them is mentioning them, and venting is giving out squatter rights in your head. Mute ‘em but don’t block’ em, lest you actually had to do the Unmentionable: having to engage a “Why did you block me” text, and read the accompanying… invective.
But take a screenshot to revisit very hilarious and accurate personal attacks. Enjoy life, sickos. NFL in a coupla weeks.
All gifs via giphy.com; banner via my phone (Not a selfie; tch, in my dreams I pull off a light green outfit).
Here’s another submarine story. I hope these don’t bore you.
This is the Jazz Musician story.
After I got out of the U.S. Navy I attended American University in upper northwest Washington. I lived in Arlington, where I was born and raised. Washington is not a big town, certainly not in those days, which were the 1980s.
So one winter night there was a minor snowstorm and young Brick decided to walk home from A.U. to Arlington. I was maybe 25 years old, so I could certainly pull this off. On M Street in Georgetown I made a pit stop at a bar, and playing in a jazz trio in there is one of the weapons officers from my submarine.
When they took their break, I talked to him. He was out of the service and was getting a Ph.D in philosophy at Catholic University.He was playing in the band to pick up spending money. This was the mettle of the guys I served with.
I like walking in the snow too.
Night y’all
You’re in St. Lucia with Greg Abbott and Madison Cawthorn and you see this sign. Which one goes down the hill first?
Ha ha ha, good job everyone not falling for the obvious trick question. The answer of course is “both”.
Mr. Green Jeans the chicken is kind of mesmerizing!
Blax, would your neighbor even be able to use the tickets now?
https://twitter.com/meganmesserly/status/1427467881235714057?s=19
Can they check to make sure Raider fans have had their rabies shots, too?
Ain’t no one wearing a mask so the MAGAs can have it both ways: you don’t need the mask if you have the shot AND you don’t gotta get the shot.
Watching a show called “Bake Squad” (it was trending on Netflix and we’re looking for a new cooking show). It’s already on thin ice with me because it’s edited with cuts so short that Michael Bay would blush.
Separate your dry and wet ingredients…COOKIES!
If youre an Alton Brown fan he streams on youtube every tuesday for a couple hours. Its generally entertaining
I just saw something about that today. I like him
I’m in the Baked Squad.
My wife like the British baking show.
We loved it but have burned through every single episode except maybe one or two of the cancer specials.
We’re watching a Naomi Osaka documentary and she’s reacting to the news of Kobe Bryant’s death and GOD I FUCKING HATE WHEN PEOPLE HOLD THAT ASSHOLE UP AS SOME KIND OF A HERO. HE WAS A SHIT PERSON.
Doesn’t matter if you can put a ball in tight spaces
I know what i said and stand by it
Washington owned slaves.
Evening
‘night
My wife mentions to a friend in the neighborhood that we have Raiders tickets. The friend asks my wife about getting tickets to a game. I tell her that game is taken (is a company package so we technically split it and my brother wanted that game). She asks about another. I say sure, face value is X and I got a parking pass for another hundo, audio face value, if you want.
She comes back that it seems high. I mean, I say the same thing when I see Mark Davis looking over this land like we’re in The Stand and sending me the invoice but, for resale in the area where no seats aren’t 2X that, Jeez lady in not even being picky about the PSL lost opportunity cost. I’m losing money for you to go. And I wish you’d just say yes because it’s probably gonna be fun to be there for a packed house — plus tickets next me are like 6x so see how generous as offer like this is and would you please not just take it?
Wow, does she not realize how much those are going for on the secondary market or is she trying to rip you off?
I think she’s just some gal who doesn’t appreciate that this is just the cost, regardless of her opinion.
Neighbor don’t sound like a friend to me, expecting a discount and giving attitude.
In jazz terms:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZcuSBouhVA
Tell that skinflint she is permanently off your secondhand market.
I used this opportunity to eliminate that market.
That said, I got some summer slam tickets to unload realizing I won’t be able to go Saturday.
Next time you talk to her make sure you are holding a copy of Atlas Shrugged in your hand so she understands how this shit works.
I did not know Albert Pujols went across town to the blue team.
Man City has got to stop poaching players
Considering LA traffic, he probably just got there.
Also……isn’t he fat? He’s fat, right?
Fat people move slow and walk with their palms facing back.
I told you that in confidence.
Pfft. Fat people aren’t confident!
Not me, I’m one of those fat people who is light on their feet and solves mysteries like a non-Belgian Hercule Poirot
Hell yeah!
last funny:
click to check the thread
its ROCKIN!
https://twitter.com/ManuclearBomb/status/1426363490638483457
Troy McClure’s guide foundation repair video.
Hand me my patching trowel, boy!
“Designated Drivers: The Life-Saving Nerds” kills me.
Troy McClure: You might remember me from such films as “Firecrackers: The Silent Killers” or “Lead Paint: Delicious But Deadly”
“Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Confident, Stupid!”
“I’ve appeared before every judge in this state. Often as a lawyer!”
The getting out of frame, sound of feet, car door & peeling out. Love it.
Bart: “Take him away, boys.”
Chief Wiggum: “Hey, I’m the chief here! Bake him away, toys.”
Lou: “What’d you say, chief?”
CW: “Do what the kid says.”
How could I forget about speed holes?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T8ASgGwxJyc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G3ja6Hn8ps4
My wife hasn’t seen many but she immediately came up with Gime (“Gym”).
Yes! “Gime, what’s a gime? Ooooh, a GIME!”
This has inspired some fun and nostalgic video watching
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GunaXxJifPA
Moe!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sUsymq-7fOQ
Mo Moe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_0nEIEC4zc
I actually knew a Mike Rosh in college
I went with Fort Sensible. Not my favorite joke, but the best one about avoiding violence.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lhYWDxVstGI
Now I wanna know about a Jay Cutler curriculum. The STEM component, part I: “Math or Whatever”.
English II: “It was the best of times I guess, it was the whatever whatever fuck this long ass book.”
Social Studies: “Just put some A&E on I mean /shrugs”
Geography: *vague gesture towards map on the wall*
AHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH
P.E.: “Go long (pretends to throw the ball, then walks back inside)”
Gym: Batting balls of yarn around a room
As an actual Geography professor.. I don’t know, I just got here.
Is that banner cock a retired fightin cock?
It’s a hen! An extra, butch hen.
Reminds me of the old chicken lawyer from Futurama
You know what? Here, have another good song:
https://youtu.be/b1P8qdMuw_A
Goose is the hot newcomer to the jam band scene and they are fucking awesome. I’ve seen ’em once already and if NuAIDS doesn’t take us all, I’ll see ’em again this fall. This is them taking a Bon Iver song and absolutely blowing it out of the water. I can’t speak highly enough of these dudes.
Holding in, huh? Here, have a good (barely) related song:
https://youtu.be/dZ_Jp2w9XSg
lol
dude is doubling down…
🤣🤣
Jay has been describing himself as “future school board member” on twitter. Common Core? More like Common DON’T CARE, amirite?
He hears the song “Smoking in the Boys Room” and asks for directions.
Shrimp are underrated animals.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y9IhiSk-Pk
I just wonder who the first person is that saw a shrimp and said, “Fuck it, let’s see what it tastes like.”
I wonder if they went for it raw, or if they just dumped everything in the net into a pot and boiled the shit out of it?
Probably started raw, a few died, then decided to add fire to it.
I am enjoying my sweet corn ice cream sandwich while I wait to see if my attempt at steaming frozen dumplings in the microwave worked out
That looks fantastic, and also delicious.
It is YUMMY
To be fair, it is insanely hard to get a cat to wear a mask.
https://twitter.com/washingtonpost/status/1427417087056785412?s=19
They were able to get masks on cats back in 1918, are those old timers better than us??
Dude said he is going to run for a position on the school board. I’m sure they will love to hear him sitting there with a cigarette hanging out the side of his mouth looking as uninterested as ever.
It’s really a shame. I liked him you like that one friend you have who has no motivation in life, but is always good to sit and watch a game with.
He’ll just abstain from random votes and the school board will end up with a 7-9 record of productive meetings
The Jeff Fisher of school boards.
Some men just want to watch the world bu-*aaah
/yawns, walks away more dickish than self-assured
“Anyone seen my cat ‘Mittens’?” – your neighbor, probably.
Since I’m writing all these old submarine stories, here’s a picture of my boat, which shows the attack pericope and the ECM mast raised.
We could fuck some shit up if we wanted to, and on a major level. Our main battery had a range of 4500 miles with nuclear warheads (although we could not use those without the permission of the President of the United States) but our secondary battery were Mark 48 torpedoes with 1000 lb high explosive warheads and sophisticated guidance systems, and we didn’t need anybody’s permission to use those. We could kill anything. Yet we killed nobody.
The boat could also make doughnuts.
The USS James Madison no longer exists. I was on it 1982 to 1985 and then I got out and studied literature at American University in Washington DC. The boat was cut up and scrapped in 1997.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iq9mzhz9IQo
Hey, I recently came across a post somewhere by someone who was supposedly a submariner also. He was mentioning how there were a lot of rules or practices about noise; things like how you closed a door to avoid a clang. That although technically they were only required to do that some of the time, that it was easier to just get in the habit.
Any truth to that?
If we rigged for “ultra quiet” we took off our shoes and walked in our socks. Tool drawers were taped shut.Farting was prohibited.
Isn’t farting generally discouraged in a confined space like that anyway?
Oh! In WW2 shrimp screwed up sonar detection!
https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/snapping-shrimp/
found a funny:
[Plato returns from the dead]
Plato: so who’s that girl, are you together?
Me: nah, it’s purely platonic.
Plato: …what does platonic mean?
Me: it means we don’t have sex.
Plato: what the fuck
That’s great!
Love, thy name is Mon Laferte
https://youtube.com/watch?v=WT-VE9OyAJk
she deffo seems nice u shld GO 2 HER
My old dead dog Frankie
He was a good man
Sure lounges like a man. To Frankie!
The link to the Jet’s defense story goes to the Bears qb story. Of course it does, it’s the Jest-not even their mama’s care!
Fixed! Thank you for pointing it out.
THE REST IS PERFECT OK DONT @ at moi
Of course, if the Jets play the Bears, then that’s accurate. After all, the best defense is the other team’s shitty offense!
On the plus side – just think how MOAR festive 9/11 will be this year!
We can all dance* around while eating goat yogurt under a Taliban flag!
*sedately, while fully covered in small tents
Haiti has yet another horrific earthquake, Kabul is essentially Saigon in 1975, and COVID continues to rage across the country. But, let’s remember the real important issue:|
My girls are pissed at me because it rained today, and we couldn’t go to the pool.
Is WCS’ chill’uns old enough to larn about #WhitePplProblems?
Hey, all politics is local. Do another poll tomorrow over ice cream.
Rain with lightning or just plain rain? Plain rain means fun mud time.
Didja take the opportunity to blame climate change? THINK GLOBAL, ACT OR NAH LOCAL
Huzzah FOAR DonT and the death of summer!
this is a douche joke that needs to be explained to me, right?
All the douches are on court. In all seriousness, the person in charge of naming the event is probably too young to remember those commercials.
Christ that image is yooge 🤣 Sorry, high