December 2, 2020 Stillers: 19 Ratbirds: 14

The Stillers were 11-0, the longest undefeated streak to open a season in franchise history, and the only team without a loss left in THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. The Yinzers weren’t exactly the ’85 Bears, but, were finding ways to win and win and win. Could this be the year to get to the Stairway to Seven?

Fast-forward to the Wild Card opener against the finally-decent-looking-Browns:

(I know it doesn’t embed, thanks, Roger)

Karma has a dry sense of humor.

Anyway, that was last season, WHAT ABOUT 2021???

We’ll start on offense. Let me take into account many factors: THE BEN’s never-ending tour as PASSMAN, the loss of almost the entire starting offensive line, the addition of first round running back from the Sixth Level of Hell that is Nick Saban’s house, Juju Smith-Schuster’s seeming weirdness, and a new offensive PLAYCALLMAN in Matt Mexico Canada. Taking all these factors into account, we’ll see how the Predict-A-Tron 3000 says:

Honestly, I don’t have a clue what this offense is capable of. Pick any eleven of us DFOers, and we’d be able to match the running game output these idiots did last season. Was the health? Offensive line play? Play calling? In a word, yes. The line generated as much push as a dead possum rotting in the sun, James Connor was never the answer, turns out that running a draw play on third-and-seven doesn’t work. The Rooneys jettisoned the line, hired a new OC, and put their trust in Najee Harris. You’re guess is as good as mine. That leaves the offense in the capable hands of…

Of course. THE BEN won’t retire; he’s going to keep playing until he quite literally breaks into several pieces on the field. Then, in true T-1000 form, those separate pieces will meld back together again. THE BEN isn’t a man. He’s some sort of genetic experiment that gained football sentience. He’ll single-handedly win three or four games, and lose two with inexplicably horrific interceptions that would make Neil O’Donnell blush. Smith-Schuster, Chase Claypool, and Dionte Johnson lead the receiving corps, which is probably the deepest on the team. Barring injury, expect a pair of thousand yarders from this group.

Now, on the defense.

/half of Stiller Nation gets semi-aroused

Did you know this team actually had one of the best defenses in football last year? They even led the league in sacks (heh heh heh huh huh huh). They definitely don’t have the same vibe as the James Farrior-Troy Polumalu-James Harrison wrecking crews earlier this century, but, they’re actually really damn good. Watt the Younger is waiting on a contract extension, but, that shouldn’t be too much of an issue. Despite losing MURDERDEATHKILLER Bud Dupree to Don’s Tits, the linebackers should also continue to rock ‘ roll like Cowboy Cerrone and Paul Felder drinking Fight Milk.

What’s even more convincing we’re living in the Upside Down, the Stillers actually have a secondary that doesn’t simply exist in theory. It’s kind of weird. This team really needs these guys to keep producing the “splash plays” Tomlin likes so much.

They drafted a new punter, that’s about all I know as far as special teams. \

Mike Tomlin continues to be the standard which is the standard that all other standards are standardized by.

It’s getting late, and I’m pretty much out of ideas. /listens to earpiece

My producer is telling me I have to make a season record prediction. I really don’t know, but, if you’re one of those degenerate, gambling addicts, let’s say… 10-7, second in the AFC North.