NFL Before-The-Season Preview: The Brown Noise

The year was 1995.  The Browns were told that there would not be the Browns come 1996, as the team would be moving to Baltimore.  The world rejoiced.  Cleveland should have thanked Baltimore for taking the team to a new level.  Instead they turned that smile upside down.  They were being selfish jerks, as one acts when they are from Ohio.

In 1999, Cleveland started doing football once again, and they weren’t terrible.  Well, not every year.  Some years were worse than others. They had one year (2007) where they went 10-6.  It was pretty much downhill from there.

What was the reason for being so bad?  Probably talent scouts.  They picked more QBs in the draft than a toddler does magic nose goblins in a year, each QB being blamed for how shitty the team was.  In reality, the talent scouts and the team management were just piss poor.

With all this chaos going on, the Browns then managed to follow a 1-15 season with a perfect season!  0-16, an achievement only a few teams have managed to pull off.  In comparison, the Jets aren’t even capable of such things because they even fail at trying to have the worst record.  The Browns are a team of achievers!

That’s when the team decided to quit having such a good time and thought that maybe they should win a game or two, which eventually got them to an 11-5 record last season.

In the more flashy roles on the team, you have a pretty good pass rusher in Myles Garrett.  Don’t let that weak first name fool you.  He had 12 sacks last season and 18 QB hits.  His best hit to date is when he took the helmet of Mason Rudolph The Red Nose Dickface and beat him with it.  Moments like this remind me of what shitheads are in Cleveland.

The receivers on this team are pretty good.  By pretty good, I mean you have a quality receiver in Jarvis Landry.  Then you have OBJ, who is only there to be a side show, as he only wants to make showboat catches.  Don’t believe me?  Look at his stats.  OBJ is the most overrated receiver in the NFL, but only because he doesn’t care about winning the game.  Even that waste of space Antonio Brown knows how to get open and catch a ball.

At QB, they decided to draft the biggest asshole of them all:  Baker Mayfield.  He can throw the ball, but never ask him to scramble.  When he has to run, it’s usually backwards and he winds up getting intercepted, if not sacked.  A good pass rush can easily make this team lose just for that reason.  Dude walks around looking like a hobo that needs murdered.  Pretty sure he’s going to wind up being the next Big Ben in all the wrong categories.

This season, they tried to sure up the D as much as possible in the CB position and with the addition of Clowney.  If Clowney can have a season where he isn’t hurt, this will work out well for the team.  But, you know that isn’t possible, so who the fuck are we kidding.

Chubb has been the leading RB on the team for the last 3 seasons.  The life expectancy of a RB is about 3 seasons.  And since he just signed a 3 year extension with the team, you can guess it’s time to get injured and miss most of a season, followed by a downturn in numbers for the rest of his career.

So, expect there to be injuries that hold this team back.  They may never return to the glory of yesteryear with the perfect season under Hue Jackson, but they hopefully lose more game than they win.  Fuck this team.