This is your 2021 Indianapolis Colts team preview. I think I may have done them in an earlier year but making your way through the archives around here is as tough as finding your way out of a greater Marion County Hometown Buffet line on a Friday evening. As some of you may have heard, the wife has me/us on a crash diet right now so, aside from this here preview assignment, I have nothing in common with Indianapolis residents who, according to science, are fat. Fat Humps, I am told, is the name in many circles.  So now that I’ve kind of checked out a few blogs about this years team, let me help you all get excited for some Lucas Oil Stadium Gridiron action!

One big story is that Head Coach Frank Reich is expected to field his sixth starting quarterback sometime here in his fourth season as head coach of Indianapolis . Andrew Luck (Retired), Jacoby Brissett (Now with Miami), Brian Hoyer (Now with New England), and Phillip Rivers (Retired) are no longer options and, with QB1 Carson Wentz being COVID-protocolled for five days (minimum, which is the standard for unvaccinated players), second-year 4th rounder Jacob Eason out of Washington is expected to start Week 1 at home against Seattle. Does Rand Paul think Eason will throw this game because of his collegiate ties to The Sound? You bet. I believe it too because, frankly, saying you believe stupid shit is pretty much the template for getting clicks for AD REVENUE so we can get back to #BudLightLimingForWhatever around here.

But now, like a typical Indianapolis resident who finds himself in front of the non-caloric salad dressing instead of the gravy fountain at whatever local indian casino food line they call fine dining around there, I see that I am woefully off course. So, like that very same Indianapolian discovering he can use the non-cal salad dressing ladle to scoop out bacon bits more efficiently, let’s get back on course.

After dropping to the Bills in the 2020 wild card round, it is reported that Jim Irsay’s trip at the time convinced him that the Colts were in a Super Bowl window. The thought was that reuniting Reich with Wentz would be an opportunity for both men to win another Super Bowl ring. But now that Wentz is out without COVID and recovering from his early August surgery, it’s reasonable to say this plan may or may not work. Adding to the Colts’ concerns is WR1, T.Y. Hilton is “dealing with a disc issue” and is expected to miss multiple weeks. This means second-year WR2 Michael Pittman Jr. is on the clock.

In other Eagles-Turned-Colts news, Indy acquired OT/G Matt Pryor from Philadelphia after the Colts third preseason game in hopes of shoring up the offensive line. According to folks who know about this sort of thing, Reich’s offense relies on the QB having plenty of time to make smart, not deep, throws. Also, Carson Wentz has already received his lifetime supply of sacks from his days with the Eagles so if any edge rushers don’t get picked up, it could mean his death (if the 0.00009% chance of death from the ‘Rona doesn’t Rod and Todd him first). There’s no fantasy value in this news so, as Indianapolis folks say when faced with the late-summer opportunity to enjoy a nice crisp apple, “Let’s move along.”

The defense is solid with the returns of CB Xavier Rhodes, LB Darius “The Maniac” Leonard, DT DeForest Buckner, and S Julian Blackmon — all names that I basically only know because I got a couple Colts regional games last season.

All in all, the consensus seems to be that Indy is a year away but, with little left of their 2022 draft allocations, this team may be channeling their inner Donald Rumsfeld and trying to make a run with the team they have, not the team they want to have. And, if they have as much success as Rumsfeld, things will be an absolute disaster for decades before the Jaguars get blamed for it while Irsay does a line off the ass of the adult who was the baby on the Nevermind album cover. The AFC South should go to Tennessee but, should they stumble, the Colts are the only above-.500 proposition in the division so maybe not a bad place to toss a twenty-spot. Looking at the schedule though, there’s also a chance this team gets wrecked so hard by Halloween that Irsay does a bunch of drugs and pulls the plug before he has to RSVP to 5th year GM Chris Ballard’s “Bless My Wife, Two Adopted Children, and Three Biological Children” Thanksgiving.

They have one of the weaker schedules according to the experts so let’s call it….I don’t know, 11-6 with two of those wins being COVID forfeits late in the season.