September ended with several FITBAW happenings.  Here is a brief description of some of those things.

Everybody likes to see a record set, unless you live in Detroit.  Yes indeed, a confluence of events – including a converted 4th and 19 (wide-ass open) and a blatant, and blatantly ignored, delay of game…led to Justin Tucker attempting a 66-yard FG.  Which spun through the stale Detroit (indoor) air, and plonked against the crossbar.  And because it’s Detroit, and God wanted to laugh and point – the ball bounced OVER for a 19-17 Ratbirds win.

So, nobody will discuss the face that Baltimore blew a 13-nil halftime lead, nor Hollywoo Brown dropping not one, not TWO, but THREE walk-in TD strikes.  All in the first half, no less.  It was strange, but anything goes in Week Three.

That wasn’t even the longest attempt, with Arizona trying a 68-yarder on the last play of the first half.  At the time, the score was 7-7 down Duval way, and Koach Kliff decided to have a laugh.  Except, as a college coach, he should have known there was risk attached.  Remember the Iron Bowl “kick six” ending?  Well, it happened again.  Except it was only before halftime, and it being the Jaguras, they naturally missed the extra point (a feat they would repeat later), and otherwise shot themselves in the dick the rest of the afternoon.  A late pick six padded the final margin, 31-19 Qards.  They move to 3-0, but absolutely NOBODY is buying it.  Complete mirage.  An entertaining entropy factory, though.

Would the real New Orleans Saints please stand up?  These are world beaters, or pants shitters.  Nothing in between.  They beat the tar shit out of White Mac and the home P*ts, 28-13.  There was quite a bit of garbage time yardage, but the three pickerceptions paint a more accurate story.  Wisely, Sean Payton reined in Rapey Jameis, and asked him to do very, very little.

And a Younghoe shall lead them, at least when the opponent is My Name Is Judge!  Maybe not much longer, as he leads the NFL “sack race” (in Lesser parlance).  It’s hard to see how he lasts the season.  Less clear is whether the new Gigantes coach will need to start over at quartered back.  We continue to see at least some evidence that the light is coming on for Danny Dimebag.  Unfortunately, it’s one of those low-wattage chandelier types.

17-14, Atlanta surprisingly wins on the road.  Still, these are probably the two worst coaching staffs in the League.  Kyle Pitts had three – THREE!! – targets.  Against a team that can’t guard the TE, in the history of ever.

Yinzburgh’s era of “how do they keep duct taping this together?” finally has met its end.  DISCLAIMER – I am wrong a lot.  But Team WKRP went into Western PA and absolutely pushed their shit in.  The Ben is The Done.  Najee Harris had 14 rushes and 14 catches, which is nice symmetry.  But they only scored 10 points, and the 24-10 final kind of flatters to deceive.  They were AWFUL.

Speaking of awful, Dakota Jeebus managed to play on TWO bad ankles – one low sprain, and one high.  He needn’t have bothered, as el Tractorcito powered DonT’s Tits to a workmanlike 25-16 win.  Indy is 0-3, and can start planning for 2022.  As the aforementioned suave Puerto Rican attorney mentioned in the live blog – Henry is catching passes now.  Be afraid, be very afraid.

We mentioned Mac Jones’ horrible day, but at least he wasn’t Strawberry Fields.  He took 150% MOAR sacks (9) than he had completions (6).  68 yards passing, only netting +1 when you subtract out the sack yardage.  That’s less than 3.5 YPA, not adjusted for those sacks.  Matt Nagy is running a close 2nd in that sack race.  #ThePauls win, 26-6.  I noticed nothing about their offensive performance.  They didn’t really need to do anything.

Who was that dumb asshole throwing shade at Brokeback QB and his supposed regression?  Oh yeah, that was me.  Oopsie doodle.  He absolutely eviscerated the Redacteds, 43-21.  Only a handful of fluke plays (and garbage time) made it even THAT close.  Buffalo is a team I can’t quite figure out, though like the Ravens, must be a nightmare to prepare for.

Yes, my brain is broken-er than usual.  Apologies for that.  I seem to have retained very little, though I watched religiously!

Mahomes and his Chefs fucked around yet again, playing catchup after a slow start.  Like against BAL, it looked like they’d put it away with a late, winning drive.  But Mahomes tossed a horrid INT, giving the ball back to Mister Quackers at 24-apiece.  Very hard to describe the ensuing Shitty Clippers drive, except that KC wouldn’t let them just settle for a 47-yard FG at the death, followed by a 4th and 9 conversion after false starting (via BLEERGH), followed by f/k/a SD refusing to just take a knee and kick a 20-yarder to win.  Instead, they kept THROWING, scoring a TD (then missing the extra point, lots of that today), allowing Mahomes 32 seconds and one timeout to score the winner.  Several seam route plays JUST missed, though – and Mahomes had to settle for a Hail Mary that went unanswered.  30-24 home loss, Chefs in sole position of last, Andy Reid goes to the hospital after the game.  Maybe that “Superb Owl Loser” curse is a thing, after all?

Clean Sheet alert!  Even better, tis Hippo’s beloved Donks, ass-blasting the hapless Jest, 26-nil.  This entire match was a Vic Fangio wet dream, aside from a late, meaningless fumble near the goal line.  I was content to let Fangio have a third year, as you could squint and see this being the type of team he wanted to build.  Smart QB play (another excellent showing, 9.4 YPA), pressing leverage when logical, dominating on defense.  Poor Zach Wilson had no chance, not that he did himself any favoUrs.  Rough times for the vaunted 2021 QB draft class.

Sadly, first position in the AFC West table must be shared, with the hated Raiders.  Despite spotting Miami a 14-0 lead, Vegas would run off the next 25 unanswered.  To everyone’s surprise, Jacoby Brissett clawed back those 11 points, running for a score with 2 seconds remaining AND converting the 2-pointer.  I have praised Brian Flores plenty on these pages, but he fucked up that OT.  Vegas won the toss and kicked a FG, and looked to have things wrapped up…until Brissett converted a 4th and 20 and then pulled into the edges of FG range.  A shovel pass left Miami 2 yards short on 4th down, just under 3:00 left.  And Flores opted for a 50-yard FG attempt.  That’s just dumb.  You can try that kick on 4th and 11.  You can try that kick if there’s like 25 seconds on the clock.  But in no event do you – at BEST – put a dog-tired defense back on the field to IN A PERFECT SCENARIO preserve the Draw.  Shit, making the FG (which barely stayed within the upright) is about even odds with converting 4th and 2, except that you add a possible WIN to the mix, not just the likely loss.  Emo Carr and pals predictably moved down the field virtually untroubled, kicking a 21-yarder to win.

Still, though.  Looking forward to a Donks/Raiders matchup with real skin in the game.

RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! earned a hopefully meaningful seed tiebreaker, smacking around Team MRSA 34-24.  Because the service of one man’s ego is paramount for Bruce Arians, MRSA Dreamboat ran a 2-minute drill – taking a sack AND rushing the ball like an idjit – down three scores with no chance whatsoever to win.  But he got his diva a passing score at the very end, though the onside kick failed (along with their 30+ point streak).  So dumb.  OKC Bomber looks to have a real monster on his hands, with Donald and Stafford leading the way.  Best team in the NFC, by a good margin.

Minnesota exorcised the daemons from two freakish, close losses, with a convincing 30-17 win over Seattle.  This week, those SeaTruther OL woes got exposed to some daylight, and there was no slowing down Justin Jefferson and Founding Fathers (filling in for Dalvin Cook).  The Vikings aren’t quite dead yet, and 1-2 in the NFC North has to feel much less scary than the same record in the murderous NFC West.  Good thing for Petey there’s an extra wild card slot available this season, they might need that lifeline.

SNF offered a tasty matchup on paper, but A.A. Ron and crew absolutely waxed the home Tomsulas for 29 minutes of the first half.  A long kickoff return set up Ms. Garafolo with a short field, and Trey Lance subbed in for the last play, scoring a TD on the very last play.  With 2 seconds left, Baby Shanny correctly decided not to “take the points.”  17-3 isn’t much better than 17-0, when facing a focused Rodgers.  They needed 7, and some momentum.  They got it, a very obvious leverage play (though against the book, of course).  You coach the game you are in, not the one you wish for.

Santa Clara opened Q3 with a 7+ minute TD drive, and then I kind of lost focus.  What with the BLEERGH-kakke and Davante Adams getting knocked tha fuck out but cured by the magic tent, plus the Brady ball-gargling ahead of next week’s stupid Narrative Game.  Jeanine looked to end things by spiking the ball into the ground trying to avoid a sack (oops, backwards), but Tomsulas held GB to a FG, leaving one last chance at 27-21.

To my astonishment, Santa Clara didn’t fuck it up, except as Gatoraids rightly noted – TOO SOON, leaving 37 seconds (but no timeouts) for A.A. Ron.  Good thing Davante TOTES doesn’t have a concussion!  He can play, and the Tomsulas made the bold decision to leave him uncovered TWICE down the seam, in their soft zone.  Plenty of time for a leisurely spike and 51-yard game winning kick.  30-28, Packers survive.  Equal parts great game and shitshow, really.  Such is life, sometimes.