And so we finally come to the end. We are finally waking from our long global nightmare of disillusionment and ennui.

Yes, Daniel Craig’s reign of Emo Bond terror wraps up with No Time to Come Up With A Coherent Story in wide release this Friday.  I’ve read several reviews and won’t spoil the “plot” for you, but if you thought “Blofeld is Bond’s jealous foster brother” was contrived soap-opera bullshit, well you are just in for a TREAT.

Balls did an excellent collection of Bond articles years ago, and I stand by my comment then:

Daniel Craig has no charisma and no sense of cool about him (as Bond, which is doubly sad because he does in other roles). It’s like they took the “damaged and introspective” moments from Brosnan’s characterization, distilled them and gave them a perpetual squint.

The Craig movies mistake “cool” for “grimdark”. They are not Fun. If I wanted an overly-serious convoluted secret agent thriller, I’d watch a Bourne movie– Matt Damon rocks and the Joan Allen/Julia Stiles duo will stand against any two Bond girls you can name.

Disagree with my opinion? Fine, but I’m in good company. After Spectre, Daniel Craig himself said he’d “rather slash [his] wrists” than play the part again, and that “[i]f [he] did another Bond movie, it would only be for the money.”  Be prepared for 2 hours and 43 minutes of an actor who hates every moment.

NFL NEWS:

-GropeBeat! Urban Meyer continues to catch hell for his decision to work on his grope-and-grind game over the weekend after yet another jaguars embarrassment on Thursday Night national television. Today’s new twist is owner Shad Khan’s public statement on the matter:

What I will say is his conduct last weekend was inexcusable. I appreciate Urban’s remorse, which I believe is sincere. Now, he must regain our trust and respect. That will require a personal commitment from Urban to everyone who supports, represents or plays for our team. I am confident he will deliver.

Now, this is basically just the canned statement we all expect after something like this. I assume InspiroBot has a PRBot cousin that churns these out at the click of a button.

The fun part is dissecting it in terms of an 0-4 rookie coach whose team seems to universally hate him. “Regain our trust and respect”? He never had it. “I am confident he will deliver”? Man, he’s already not delivering the one thing you pay him for. “That will require a personal commitment from Urban”? Ask Shelley Meyer what she thinks about Urban and commitment just now.

Everyone’s assuming Meyer is going to Bobby Petrino the jags and flee back to college. However, rumors of interest from another NFL team persist:

-Roster madness in San Francisco! Jimmy G injured hisself in Sunday’s game, which we all assumed marked the start of the Trey Lance Era despite Lance’s mediocre start. Kyle Fucking Shanahan then inexplicably announced that Garoppolo might be able to start this weekend after all. Why, Kyle? This was the perfect excuse to make the switch. The NFC West looks like fucking Thunderdome, and the Niners ain’t the ones leaving. Put Lance in, let him show some development by the end of the season and you’ve bought yourself another year of job security despite finishing 6-11. But nooooo. Kyle Fucking Shanahan can’t take the easy route on anything except nepotism. Remember when it was 28-3 and all he had to do was run it with his two stud backs to seal a Super Bowl? Better start throwing it like a 13 year old Madden player on Jolt.

Fuck Kyle Shanahan.

Other Sports:

Whelp, after all that we end up with yet another Yankee-Sawx game tonight as the “highlight” sporting event. If there is a kind and loving God, expect a meteor to strike Fenway. Meanwhile, El Glorious Beisbol Cardinals head to Los Angeles tomorrow night to battle Joe West. And the Dodgers. But mostly West. West is retiring, and he is such an incompetent redass attention-whore normally that one can only imagine what depths he will sink to in the final act of his wretched off-off-Broadway play.

Finally: another installment of Obscure Movie Hot Tip. This week: The New Guy

Professional awkward person DJ Qualls headlines this twist on the traditional high school Ugly Duckling tale. Qualls plays a loser (shock) who learns Cool from a bunch of prison inmates, including movie-stealing Eddie Griffin. Eliza Dushku, Sunny Mabrey, Zooey Deschanel, Horatio Sanz and Lyle Lovett(!) costar.