Welcome everyone, to the first morning game of the year. (Uh, what? -Left Coasters) I love quadrupleheaders. Pyjamas are de rigueur today as you settle in with your bowl of cereal or whatever else the help put together.
I myself will be having a Bloody Mary. For others going down this same road I suggest a wee bit of horseradish in there for an extra kick. It doesn’t do any favours on the ‘presentation’ side of things but then again, you’re presenting it to yourself. In lieu of celery I’ll be dropping some pepperoncini’s in there. That’ll wake you up.
To The Game!
Jets/Falcons:
-Okay, it isn’t the bestest of games but whatsay your team was in the playoff hunt and had to travel overseas for an important game and ended up losing? You’d feel as though that were not really fair for their chances wouldn’t you, given that this is an asterisk game? That’s why they shovel a garbage game at us. On the other hand, it’s extra football!
-Do I have the balls to insert Olamide Zaccheaus into my of my fantasy lineups? If the name doesn’t sound familiar then you haven’t read your Old Testament lately. He was a wise old king in the Book of Ezekiel that settled a dispute between two farmers by having both of them killed. That’s where the saying, “No farmers, no problem” came from. (I just looked down my pyjama bottoms and no, I don’t have the balls)
-Matt Ryan has taken to the dink and dunk game recently although he fixed that last week. I feel kinda sorry for him because when all the stars of the league grabbed all the best ad opportunities at the beginning of the year the only thing left for him was a Tide commercial. It’s dumb and bad.
-Expect more from Corey Davis-he has 75% of the Jets passing TD scores. (it’s 3 of 4, but still) The Falcons secondary hasn’t scared anyone for three years now and things haven’t changed.
Let us all know what you’re imbibing or masticating on while you wait on pins and needles for this mighty clash.
A spot of bother for Mike Davis, oh my.
SUDDEN CHANGE
I have NOT given up on youse.
/then again, I haven’t doubled down on GAMBLOR, neither
They’re not very good, but they’re not quitting. Can’t believe they can’t get more pressure on Ryan.
Top o the mornin! I have an enormoUs headache from 12 hours of drinkin. 1st thing the inlaws want to do is have Akavit.
Pray for me.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ogj5JgvJTCY
Alright, alright I’ll get up.
Got the Sunday morning grocery store run then into the kitchen I go.
Today I’m making carnitas, pot of beans AND homemade flour tortillas.
Yes by choice and yes for fun.
That reminds me, I need to get this tri-tip started!
Yeah, this slab of pig is a 5 pounder so no more waiting around.
I think I saw a gangbang video that started with that line.
Bison chili in the Instapot down South!
60k people in attendance today
Please enjoy a bit of American Football with your superspreader event
Need a turnover here.
-A. Reid
Croissant
Waffle
Danish.
Glad to see that the metric uprights are causing issues.
I wonder if the Brit fans are wearing team jerseys of teams they root for, or if they just buy some cheap knockoff of whichever team is playing from a Nigerian metro-station floor display on a blanket laid out on the station floor.
Yes
Well Chaps. We may just have us a ballgame here. Quite right. Tally ho.
Atlanta Falcons: “Insurmountable leads! Our only weakness!”
DFO Clubhouse during the 2nd Half:
Homer’s wide awake glasses – YouTube
Jets stink from the head down.
I will keep saying this more often than every time Quantum Leap reruns keep saying uncensored R-words: If we would’ve allowed Donald Trump to own an NFL team like he wanted, we wouldn’t be in this mess.
Sam Darnold drools profusely onto his bib
They’re not even doing English accents for the halftime “show”? What is even the point of a London game.
Speaking of strumpets, here’s Youngho.
I appreciate the gesture but its kind of early. Maybe after I’ve had a good breakfast and…oh, Younghoe the kicker. I thought you were offering me a young h…never mind.
I want to see Queen Elizabeth go into the locker room at halftime and beat the shit out of Zach Wilson for not providing her with sufficient entertainment.
I want Claire Foy to do it in character as Elizabeth II. She was good as giving The Reason You Suck speeches that make people feel destroyed from the DNA up.
The Story of a Younghoe in London!
If you can find an uncensored copy of Charles Dickens’ Little Dorritt, I highly recommend some of those naughty bits.
Sorry for being late. Was stuck in traffic.
European Vacation – Roundabout – YouTube
Big Ben! Parliament.
I forgot about the Chicago marathon. It goes right near my condo this year and I can hear the dumbass spectators yelling their idiot heads off from here. It has been going on for almost 2 hours already, even though this isn’t near the staring point and the start was only 1.5 hours ago. Why can’t organized runners go run somewhere they don’t have to shut down a mostly functional city of 20 million? Will venture out for booze/snax supplies at the half. Nawt going around to pick up my paint order, will do tomorrow.
We’ll run anywhere we are told. Blame your city planners. But I’ll grant you… been on some shitty… WTF thought of this… routes.
At least you now have a good excuse for not painting today.
…or, get some white paint, go down to the street, paint over the white lines and arrows, go back upstairs, get some popcorn and watch the fun.
It also works with glue.
You could always just strew a whole bunch of dog poop across the street. Hit up a dog shelter; they would probably be happy to provide.
No, the trick is you want it to not be noticeable. Dog poop the runners can see and avoid. They won’t be able to stop because mostly likely by then they leg muscles are currently in a perpetual motion in a futile effort to not fall apart at the stress they are under.
A dude from Kenya, a lady from Sweden, and a couple thousand losers.
This games like steak & kidney pie. It could be considered digestable but…
…but Andy Reid stole it right out of your hand? That doesn’t make any sense.
Even Andy would be challanged by Brit food… now I’d pay to see THAT!
…but you knew it would make you feel ill eventually
1-5 for 11 yards and an interception. Looks like somebody forgot to pack his special Jesus underwear.
Maroni’s trumpet sounds
Trumpets. Also rhymes with crumpets. And strumpets.
I DON’T PLAY THE FARGIN TRUMPET YOU ICEHOLE!!
Zach Wilson’s mom (artist’s conception):
Wait, no, that was an accident. I didn’t mean to imply that Zack Wilson’s mom was some kind of prostitute, like Jeff Ireland did with Dez Bryant. This is what I meant to post:
Crumpets.
Rhymes with strumpets.
Again, it was NOT my intention to imply that Zach Wilson’s mom was a prostitute.
Not a saucy tart, nor a haughty courtesan, nor a slovenly trull…
Tarts?
Rhymes with farts.
Yes, saucy ones.
Been listening to this in me head ever since reading Scotchy’s title:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPRVXTytJQ0
Wow. New York never got off the fucking plane.
They followed Chef’s advice.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LXJedf0_hw
You ever see the documentary “Hearts Of Darkness” about the making of that film? Insanity.
A Zaccheaus sighting! I’m screwed, aren’t I?
Kyle Pitts scores his first career TD…
And here I am doing a Cartman voice, screaming “FUCK YOU KYLE!” to an empty house.
Two more of those, maybe I can check money league scores again!
Pitts does nothing but block for the remainder of the fixture
That guy shrieking Touchdown, Touchdown, Touchdown! is not improving Gumbygirl’s mood one bit.
Jesus God. Why the fuck?
I’m going to record this shit and watch it later. The goddamn sun isn’t even up yet.
Damn sun didn’t get the Hippo memo, smh…
Well ain’t that just the Falcons bein’ the Falcons
https://twitter.com/uglygame/status/1447197225608699912
A similar contraption went up the last time the Giants played there but it was actually Eli’s leprechaun trap.
(I probably could have found a better way to formulate this joke but the concept is as good as you’ll ever find for a 7 a.m. offering)
Hey, guys, the mics aren’t on.
Great job! Keep it up!
I really was digging “ambient stadium sound”
Holy shit this game gets so little respect from ESPN that they don’t even list it on the topline of their score bug. It’s all just scores from yesterday’s college games.
Is Spurs stadium one of Sheer Khan’s joints? It’s prettah fancy!
Nah, Fulham plays at Craven Cottage. It’s a smaller, more intimate ground. When you’re watching a match there, you feel *very* English.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Craven_Cottage?wprov=sfla1
“You don’t have to tell me about how English things are ‘smaller but more intimate’.” – Meghan Markle
It ain’t the size of the wave, it’s the motion of the ocean!
I am pretty sure ATL’s coach is just a shaved bear from the circus.
You made me laugh, but you’re still on my shitlist.
Putative 2021 MVP Cordarelle Patterson
Lets get after it!
I gather the reason that there was no massive Stars n’ Stripes on the field pregame is because the booing would have been heard all the way to [checks map] Lisbon.
Hey guys, Melissa Stark is still alive! And they let her wear normal people clothes, unlike the other sideline lady.
Wasn’t she the victim of a peeping Tom in her hotel room? Or am I thinking of someone else?
Erin Andrews. Though I have no doubt Ms. Stark has endured her share of stalker types.
Oh, that’s right. I never could keep those two straight.
That was Erin Andrews. Stark has the “pink sock” rumor attached to her. Probably not true.
Hippo wishes he ain’t Googled that
I haven’t seen a Stark turned inside out like that since the Red Wedding.
RTD bringing the heat this morning
THIS RIKKI-TIKKI-DEADLY I CALL HIM SOMETHING OTHER THAN A TOM BRADY FOOTBALL CAUSE HE DID NOT COME OUT FLAT TODAY.
I’m scared to Google “Melissa Stark pink sock”
Don’t.
Sound advice. Gonna follow it.
The story is that while at UVA, she and Al Groh’s son were buttsecksing and, let’s just say, some of her inside parts ended up hanging outside and she had to be ambulanced out.
Again, probably not true, but what a rumor for a professional reporter to have to deal with. I hate UVA. Rich pricks.
(early morning vomiting noises)
“Oh no not again!” – Antonio Cromartie
“Oh yes! Again!” – TX Republicans
Hahaha. I should have slept in.
Sorry
Needs more kneeling
Puts em just at the right height, aye – Father Flanagan
[notices safety harness on singer high above stadium]
[cancels call to Health and Safety]
Wait, so this game is only on NFL Network? That’s bullshit.
/remembers it’s Falcons-Jets
//nevermind
Even ESPN.com is ignoring it.
For anyone who is using my article:
Coupe updates this Sunday morning for everyone:
Adding in Najee Harris who fits right into my Fanduel build. It’s him and DJ who make up the entire offense, and yes the Bronco defense is tough, but the the Steelers should still be able to move the ball with those two.
Adding the Cardinals D as an option since they are facing a rookie QB making his first NFL start.
Adding Ross Dwelley as a TE punt option since Kittle just hit the IR. Dwelley is minimum priced on all three sites, is now the de facto TE1 in an offense that feature the TE. This allows me to get in players like Henry and Moore who have huge ceilings. If Dwelley flops, it shouldn’t be a huge hit at the TE position this week,
my DFO-ball team now has, like, FIVE MOTHERFUCKERS on IR.
Seeing that lady sing from the scaffolding absolutely strikes terroUr in me heart
It is early. I am not happy.
Caffeine Fixes All Ailments
Tell yourself that when I cut a bitch.
This mandatory bullshit is total bullshit.
Counterpoint – NO
Okay, I got up. Do I lose points if I fall back asleep on the recliner?
Nah, naps are allowed… LATER
No. Technically, you are still watching, just more passively/by osmosis.
Here, let this cheer you up: https://vm.tiktok.com/ZM8dEJbJg/
Rear Adm [mirer] Donal Yandel T, 65th Snarkborne Div. reporting for mandatory viewing. In honor of this momentous occasion, we’re having this
I have Trey Lance, but not the balls to start him @ Arizona over Darnold vs Philly.
Hockey! is expected to play today.
/fuck it, I’m playing Zaccheaus in the Freezer Vodka league
Burrow vs GB (Jaire Alexander out and Tee Higgins back)
or
Herbert vs Browns
That’s a tough one, but GB’s defense is pretty banged up. Herbert ultimately looked good vs LV, but the Raiders pass rush was so strong, it took him a whole half to get going. The Browns defense looked awfully tough shutting down the Vikes, in Minnesota no less. I guess I’d go with Burrow, but in the interest of full disclosure, I am 1-3 in my money league.
Burrow, inshallah.
WR Elijah Moore is back from a pretty nasty concussion. Wondering if the Jets might pepper him with targets out of the slot since TE Tyler Kroft is OUT. Gase would have just stuck with Braxton Berrios, but I’m hoping Saleh lets the young brother rumble.
Look at me, actively rooting for the Jets again. I’ll never learn.
Present and caffeinating!
I’m here, but I might leave and not watch the game just to make Professor Hippo mad.
See, Bama loses ONE STUPID GAME, all them THEEEEEEE!! supproters get all sassy.
Saban got his coaching start in Ohio, dont nobody forget that!