Your “Case Keenum To The Rescue!” Thursday Night Football Open Thread

Welp, they’re (espn, among others) calling it ‘Bye-mageddon’ which is silly, cute, contrived or a blend of all three, depending upon where you’re coming from. I myself am facing off (eh?) against Spam in the Freezer Vodka league with the oh-so-rare Backup to the backup super stack of D’Ernest Johnson and Demetric Felton this fine evening. And I’ll be playing the Cleveland D as well because one must embrace the abyss when it calls your name. Goodness, looking over the fill-in options in that league is like looking out over a wind-swept desert of pulled hammies, broken hopes, small college has-been’s and coach’s looks of disappointment.

-Speaking of coaches and disappointment, Joe Judge, when asked about the team stated, “Fish stinks from the head down”. Now, on the surface you might think he was taking responsibility for his own job performance but I think it was a brilliant and subtle jab at owner John Mara.

-Oh hey, I just noticed that the Texans have their top three rb’s (Ingram, Johnson and Lindsay) all on expiring one year deals. At the moment they have the second overall pick in the 2022 draft but couldn’t possibly be stupid enough (cough Giants, cough) to draft an rb there, right?

-Deshaun trade talk has reared it’s head again and he’s going to the Fins again. I figger his agent/lazy sportsscribblers are trying to churn the waters.

To The Game!

Broncos/Browns:

-Colt McCoy is back under center. Uh, I mean Case Keenum gets the start tonight. I tend to get my floppy-armed perennial backups confused. With a bit of injury luck we could also see some Drew Lock as well because Teddy B. is not exactly completely fit. As it is, Cleveland has a bottom 5 passing game and the lifting of wr Landry from IR won’t make much of a difference.

-One unit that is making a difference out there is the Broncos special teams. They’ve given up a 102 yard kickoff Td, a 42 yard punt return and a blocked punt. They’ve also been flagged with the 3rd most penalties and have given up the 2nd most yards.

-It seems like some time ago that the Denver Icari were flying a bit too close to that 3-0 sun. As is their custom, they’ve crashed to the .500 earth.

-Let’s pray together that this doesn’t become a defensive slog that Hippo can fall asleep to by the end of the first half. I need them fantasy points.

Go tell your mother.

5 4 votes
Article Rating
Subscribe
Notify of
227 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
King Hippo

If the play clock goes to zero, the goddamned ball should explode.

Don T

O-line would become a buncha JPPs

Doktor Zymm

And it should be filled with glitter

Brocky

So the dune remake has been pretty good so far

Fronkenshteen
rockingdog

Found a funny;

thinking about an ancient philosopher making a hinge or sumn, getting the question “who are you” and they immediately start crying and throwing up

JimU

I’m not saying that Vic Fangio is a great coach or anything, but it would be hard for any coach to win with the stiffs he’s had at quarterback.

Fronkenshteen

You’d think Elway might have valuable insight…

Viva La Tabula Raza

Guess he just doesn’t have any horse-sense.

LemonJello

Is this game one of those abortions that’ll get me $10K in Texas?

Doktor Zymm

I changed my Echo to the alternate male voice, so now I don’t feel like I’m perpetuating the patriarchy when I tell it to shut the fuck up with its idiot suggestions. Also, if you look at the transcript in the Alexa app, it bleeps cursewords, lol, what a prude.

ArmedandHammered

Going to go to bed and read, which is a shame as the game has actually been entertaining me.

Gumbygirl

You must be exhausted. Take care of yourself.

Doktor Zymm

At least this game is moving fast

Fronkenshteen

Hey ya rich bastids! Donate ten bucks to WFMU.org. They do the lord’s work maintaining the coolest radio station in the world commercial free, even though X. Ray Burns is dead. Teenage Wasteland with Bill Kelly is still the best radio show in America.

LemonJello

comment image

ArmedandHammered

We have wormsign the likes of which even God has never seen.

herodotus450

Is that the guy who played Sejanus in the miniseries I, Claudius on the right?

Mr. Ayo

Pie Holes Update: Not dead!

Game Time Decision

Not tonight

-Shanka’Lor

ArmedandHammered

Needs to rest after the last two weekends.

Game Time Decision

I hope nawt. Kicking errors are fun

Doktor Zymm

That was a deflection worthy of air hockey!

Beerguyrob

No Dune preview in Canada. Just a Timmys ad.

Beerguyrob

And a Kia ad.

Beerguyrob

And a Royal Bank ad.

Beerguyrob

And a RuPaul’s Drag Race Canada ad.

To be fair, RuPaul is the closest thing to Dune during that break.

Game Time Decision

Just missing the C-Tire ad

Don T
ArmedandHammered

When she was describing the pain, I thought it sounded more like she was describing an STD symptoms.

Beerguyrob

The Brownie the elf outline hat the Browns coach is wearing looks like a North Korean attempt at a Notre Dame hat.

Fronkenshteen

[floats in North China Sea]

-North Korean ND hat aimed at Los Angeles

King Hippo

Little known #KeenumFact – he has really bad tinnitus from all the Christian rock concerts he attended in his brash youth.

Gumbygirl

Stryper 4 evah!

Beerguyrob

DC Talk was too edgy.

Doktor Zymm

I want to hear someone with a Liverpudlian accent say a sentence that includes the words “tinnitus” and “paella”

Don T

“You gotta check out this solo!”
-Every acquaintance who listens to Christian rock

herodotus450

Wait a second, this solo has three instruments playing!
“Well yeah, ya see, that’s the mystery of it all.”

Senor Weaselo
Don T

I’m here for the Dune.
Just wanted to get that out there.

ArmedandHammered

I was hoping to see it this weekend, still might try.

LemonJello

comment image

Last edited 2 years ago by LemonJello
Gatoraids

The Shanks must flow

clint greasewood

comment image

Mr. Ayo

comment image

Fronkenshteen

Need donks to lose by 1 or win. All else is going fine. Resisted the urge to start Teddy B., even though the wind is supposed to subside by halftime thank you very much Gordon lightfoot. So come on you rag-legged afterthought, lose in a heartbreaker. Also keep throwing underneath routes to Jarvis. I love the pain. Like poking my tongue into a sore tooth. Thursday night wears on a man…

oh, I’m drunk

King Hippo

Surtain can play. Remarkably intelligent positioning there, hold his ground to have a shot at the pick – but MOAR importantly…no DPI.

Don T

Looking at the score, I think tonight Bernard Gilkey will win thee more Shempiens.

King Hippo

We did just complete the summer transfer window (2121-22 season). I am eager to see the lads pull together (PHRASING)

Redshirt
Viva La Tabula Raza

24 of America’s astronauts are/were from Ohio. What is it about Ohio that makes people from there want to flee the Earth?

King Hippo

Bengals and #ThePauls on teevee every Sunday?

Don T

That was purty

King Hippo

You know, not sure Court Sutton belongs in Denver. Because he’s actually good at FITBAW.

Doktor Zymm

Case Keenum: Not Actively Harmful!

ArmedandHammered

Yet.

Gatoraids

well he first has to create something to harm, wait for rest of Commander Keenums voyage

Redshirt

I guess I can’t complain about Cleveland scheduling a cupcake. I mean my team just play Detroit after all to tune up for Baltimore.

herodotus450

Fullproof (or is it foolproof? nobody knows) gambloring plan: bet every kind of under/short position possible for players coming off of media “awards” the season before. The sprots media are idiots who couldn’t vote themselves out of a paper bag.

King Hippo

Progress! We forced a third down!!

ArmedandHammered

That would have been an amazing pick, if he was able to catch it.

clint greasewood

How much better is one leg Teddy to a healthy Drew Lock?

King Hippo

YES

Gumbygirl

Doesn’t Lock have 3 legs?

King Hippo

When he bounces from the League after his rookie deal, he can go the Dirk Diggler route.

ArmedandHammered

Evening all on this most sucktastic day of this most sucktastic year.

King Hippo

wha happen? Hard times with the young’un again?

ArmedandHammered

18 year old niece shot and killed last night, My brother, his family, and my mom had dinner with her and her boyfriend. She went home with her boyfriend and a few hours later she is dead of an accidental shooting, and for some reason the SBI is investigating instead of the police.

ArmedandHammered

And that is all we know.

Gumbygirl

Jesus Christ, I’m sorry.

King Hippo

Jesus fuck, man. Y’all been living under a bad moon. So sorry.

ArmedandHammered

With everything going on in our cul-de-sac, I think the assholes who moved in behind us are luck/good fortune vampires.

Horatio Cornblower

comment image

Doktor Zymm

That’s awful. Hopefully we can at least be a welcome distraction

ArmedandHammered

You most certainly are, this site is part of my keeping myself sane plan.

Redshirt

My God. I am so sorry.

Mr. Ayo

Holy shit!

Don T

I’m so sorry. Hope you find strength and clarity.

Col. Duke LaCross

Good god. Sorry to hear that amigo.

Senor Weaselo

Oh my god. I’m so sorry.

Horatio Cornblower

Fuckin’ A, man. No words. So sorry.

Gumbygirl

I get it. I just went to the grocery store. I want to kill people.

Doktor Zymm

Huh. I thought this was going to be a low scoring game, what with the entire Browns starting offense being out, but I guess I misunderestimated the Broncos D

King Hippo

You and me both, sister!

/appears the team may have quit on Don Fangio

King Hippo

D’Importance of Rostering D’Ernest

King Hippo

JESUS TAPDANCING FUCK

King Hippo

I really dig Teddy Ballgame’s tobaggan hat

King Hippo

Holy shit, I may think Baker kind of sucks (and despise his annoying ad campaign with his wife), but that’s pretty impressive to try to play through that.

Redshirt

I hated him since he planted an OU flag at midfield at OSU.

Doktor Zymm

He definitely hit the “over” on the ever popular “How long will it take the Browns to physically or emotionally cripple this 1st round draft pick” prop bet

Anthony In TX
Redshirt

I was about to say Oregon is a joke, but I almost forgot my guys lost to them. Almost.

Don T

I like it because:
-It’s different (15%)
-very un-masculine (85%)

Anthony In TX

Normally, I’m all the way on board with the crazy uniforms Oregon trots out there. There’s a place for the Alabamas and USCs of the world (i.e., classic, unexciting), but there are some teams that should have wild shit.

I don’t like these at all.

clint greasewood

Can’t wait for the Duck Confit and a l’orange for Thanksgiving.

Senor Weaselo

What in the Monald Fuck is this bullshit?

/Yes, Oregon is Monald Muck

Anthony In TX

-Deshaun trade talk has reared it’s head again and he’s going to the Fins again. I figger his agent/lazy sportsscribblers are trying to churn the waters.

Word is Watson to the Dolphins, Tua to WFT, and a fuck-ton of picks to the Texans. Somehow I think Denver is supposed to be involved?

Anyone who trades for Watson right now would be dumb as shit. He’s immensely talented but we have no idea what’s going to come from his Uncle Touchy court case.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

It’s not like it’s conduct detrimental to the league.

–Bob Kraft

Doktor Zymm

Friend of mine thinks it’s because the Eagles have Miami’s 1st round pick, so the Dolphins are motivated to win a few more games this season because sucking for draft order is already off the table. I can totally believe that the Dolphins organization doesn’t understand the Sunk Cost fallacy, so I’m thinking his theory is correct.

King Hippo

I kind of like the idea of Tua playing on the FedEx “turf” because I might be a sociopathic asshole.

Don T

I had to look up my “Case Keenum’s Vikings year was magical” conjecture.
Yep
comment image

Don T

I think that budtender gave me ritalin instead.
comment image

herodotus450

Case Keenum played for Denver!?
Case Keenum played for a Rams!?
Case Keenum played for Washington!?

King Hippo

I will puts on me nerd hat, and note That’s barely over 7.0 YPA!

Redshirt

Even in Denver and Washington he wasn’t that bad. He was just averagely average.

Doktor Zymm

In DC he was one of the many interchangeable QBs they’ve had play while their starting QBs are recovering from horrific injuries. It’s a tradition going all the way back to at least Jason Campbell

Gumbygirl

.

1622002755029_50963753626130.jpg
Doktor Zymm

I’m actually feeling okayish in Freezer Vodka league this week, it’s only my QB, RB1, and WR1 who are out!

herodotus450

Some Canadaians are ok, I guess, but I would happily send them all to a fiery, disemboweling death if it meant the Tkatckuks clan was among them.

herodotus450

I don’t like Matthew, Keith, Jan, Bobby, Greg, Alice, or Brady

Gumbygirl

But you DO like Peter. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/nods in Winkler

King Hippo

I refuse to believe there is actually an Ottawa Senators weblog.

Horatio Cornblower

Is this Cousin Sal A-hole some Bill Simmons spin off?

King Hippo

Good news is that I have already billed MOAR than 40 hours this week, and have nothing pressing for tomorrow.

oh yeah, that’s a #BonusPillMoment

Horatio Cornblower

Ah shit; I just realized Dak is on a bye and I’m starting Bridgewater tonight. And Courtland Smith. A) That’s not really great and B) and more importantly, now I’m going to have to watch this fucking game.

King Hippo

Could be worse, my Dak! bye week options are (The Legend of) White Mac or Strawberry Fields.

Horatio Cornblower

Those are options available to me on our waiver wire. Danny Dimes is the #1 option.

I’m sticking with Bridgewater, limited as he is.

King Hippo

I mean, you have the stack with Sutton. They should both do well, or both shit the pitch. It’s same move I’d have made.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I opted not to start Teddy because I assume Keenum throws 3 pick sixes and the broncos can just run it.

Horatio Cornblower

ESPN is showing the SMU-Tulane game, (the AAC is so fucked), and they just put up famous alumni from both schools. It was, obviously, a very short piece, but Eric Dickerson made the cut and Craig James didn’t.

Shouldn’t have killed those hookers, Craig.

King Hippo

I would prefer to watch the pre-game show for DONKS WOO!!! – but apparently, we’ve entered the broadcast’s mandatory suck off MRSA Dreamboat segment.

King Hippo

Also, I am seriously considering punting in Vodka League this week. I just am not willing to cut IR/bye week guys to pick up chum.

But it would wound my WASP pride deeply to lose to Balls-y!

Last edited 2 years ago by King Hippo
King Hippo

If we are so shite we can’t beat Case Keenum behind a scab-calibre OL…

Redshirt

.

F51CF7CB-3843-437C-BD41-E375B2820FD3.jpeg
Horatio Cornblower

I would absolutely hang that in my house, if not the Louvre itself.

King Hippo

I mean, if it ain’t there, what’s the Louvre good for? A bathroom for Parisian hobos??