October, we hardly knew ye.  Be forewarned, I chose not to watch not-Dak! (water added) chucklefuck around the Bird Murder Dome on Sunday night, and also skipped the end of the Saints game.  RIP, Crab Leg (down to one), though.

I am starting with my Donks, because ah CAN.  No Von Miller, no Bradley Chubb.  Most of the offensive pieces were back, but not so you’d notice.  We did everything possible to sabotage things, but the late-round picks, street free agents, and other assorted flotsam comprising the defensive and special teams units?  Fucking heroic, y’all.  It was low-scoring all the way, and when McManus McMissed on his 53 yarder late (at 10-10), I sensed doom.  But the defense held, and the special teams blocked their SECOND placement kick of the game.  Somehow, someway, Teddy Ballgame drove us down the field for 7.  Team drove into the red zone, but that unheralded pass rush got home, then forced a 4th and long prayer that Beastus Maximus Justin Simmons picked off.

Redacteds had all three timeouts, but Denver had the ball around their 25 with just 37 seconds to play.  This was, I shit you not, our play sequence:

1. Run up the middle, fumble.
2. Play-action, but instead of sliding harmlessly at the 20, Teddy Ballgame THROWS IT AWAY.
3. Run off-tackle to the right, FUMBLE REDUX.

Washington got the second fumble, on Denver’s 27.  They would not, however, gain another yard.  One more sack, and a 4th down heave out of the end zone.  My team is seven kinds of fucked, but they fought their asses off and are now 4-4.

And that’s all we really demand as supporters, yes?  Leave it all on the pitch.

The other two late games had their moments.  The Legend of White Mac completed about 40% of his tosses, but Grumblelord befuddled Herbert the Duck, and his charges executed the gameplan perfectly.  Only a Hail Mary in the last minute made the score close, 27-24 P*ts.  That brief Clippers du Merde boomlet, she is over.  And none too soon.

Wait, Truthers/Jaguras had no real moments, other than Travis Homer running back the onside kick for a TD (after Prison Girlfriend broke their clean sheet in garbage time).  Seriously, that should be worth 20 points.  Or more.  But 31-7 will have to do, a very professional job by Geno (8.1 YPA, compare to PG’s garbage time-inflated 4.4) keeping the HOX alive until Charm can be Slung once MOAR.

But holy cats, (imaginary) people.  The day really and truly belonged…to Mike White???  

405 yards, two scores – including the winner in a 34-31 J-E-S-T triumph over the too-soon-Hippo-crowned Bungles.  As I have mentioned, my little brother has ALWAYS supported both Cincinnati teams (we have no idea how or why), and yes – he texted to blame me for the jinxing.  Guilty as charged.  Hopefully that thinned out some SurvivoUr pools (I have KC to win, went out with GB in Loser Pool – but my backup choices were P*ts and Panthers, so…oopsie doodle).

And yes, somehow Charlotte’s finest came out of Megatron’s Butthole with a win, though with a slightly more ret…Special Young Man quartered back (confirmed head owie, because his lack of field awareness extends to runs as well as pass plays).  Younghoe even let Hippo’s fantasy squadrons down today, though had a late garbage timer from distance, trimming the final margin to 19-13.

Atlanta won’t mind so much losing the game, but they’ve also apparently lost Calvin Ridley…for good (or at least the near-term future).  He was a surprise inactive (as he was in London) for personal reasons, and today revealed he is stepping away from football for his mental health.  I have no smarm here, and wish Mr. Ridley the very best.

Perhaps the only thing dumber than Denver’s end-of-game sequence?  Dakota Jeebus, who reverted fully to form late in the Titans game.  Indy jumped out to a 14-nil lead, but sputtered offensively after that hot start.  After some back and forth, we were tied up at 24.  Tennessee converted a very close first down near midfield (el Tractorcito very much held in check by the Humps D), but couldn’t get into FG range.  As DonT has learned us, their punter is The Weapon, and Indy started inside their 5 with 90 seconds to play.

Indy started with play action, but the TE was covered.  Dakota Jeebus, fearing being tackled for a safety, tried to ground the ball (which, you know, would result in a safety)…and instead found a defender for an easy pick six.  Somehow, this worked in his idjit favoUr, since they would get the ball back.  Thanks to an answered prayer on 3rd and long, followed by their signature “lob it up and pray for DPI” play, they got down to the 1 and eventually tied the score.  Extra time!

Indy won the toss, but both teams ended up punting (TN’s was much better, because THE WEAPON).  Wentz then threw another awful pick – into triple coverage – setting Tennessee up in FG range for the 34-31 winner.  Tennessee pretty much clinches the AFC South, before we even hit November.  Impressive, albeit with a very iffy TannyFanny (brain farts of his own).

Equally cray-cray – Yinzers and #ThePauls, who certainly know how to Paul things up (still).  We got the expected defensive battle, with PIT in FG range near the end of the half, to go up 6-3.  But tricky Coach Epps!  He calls for a fake FG, and when Chris Boswell’s first read was covered…I mean, it’s asking a bit much for him to check through his progressions.  So he held onto it until he got creamed.  Concussion, out for the game.

So when PIT answered CLE’s touchdown, they had to go for two.  They made it…but were holding.  They went for it from the 13, and missed (because their fat punter had never kicked placements before, even at JV level).  10-9.  The Ben got them back inside the 5, but they stalled out again.  4th and goal from the 3 – and PIT gets a bit of luck.  Had they a kicker available, Tomlin absolutely kicks to go up 13-10 (one assumes they also would have made the first extra point).  But they didn’t, so they went for 6 and GOT 6.  Just 6, because they missed the two again.  But the kicker concussion GAINED them two points overall, and #ThePauls paid for it.  Mayfield could get them into decent FG range, but no closer.  So they had to go for it at 15-10, and failed.  15-10 it remained until The Ben threw the ball away as time expired.

Life comes at you funny sometimes, and PIT leaves Northeast Ohio with the faintest of pulses.

Everybody wave at Dok!  She didn’t see you, she’s passed out drunk as a skunk.  But Bills Mafia did manage a very ugly win for her, 26-11 over the sad sack LOLfins.  I don’t remember any MOAR of the details than Dok will.

Many many peoples, including myself, half-expected Detroit to finally get a win today, home against Philly.  They did manage a late TD (Jermar Jefferson?), but fell just short.  44-6.  Jalen Hurts remains a terrible QB, but not half bad as a runner.  Boston Scott and fresh-off-ye-old-practice-squadoo Jordan Howard (remember HIM?) each ran for two scores.  Ouchie the fuck ouch.

The 500s weren’t much better, until a garbage time barrage.  22-zip in Q4, over the mighty men of RRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!??  Too bad Los Angeles got all 38 out of the first 45 minutes of play.  Cool onside kick recovery, though.  Certainly gave the home folks more to see than Detroit.

Poor Strawberry Fields.  He actually made some incredible athletic plays today (ending up with over 100 and a score running), and only turned the ball over once.  He did fumble twice, but Chi**** recovered each.  Shit, Santa Clara even missed the would be tying extra point (at 16-15), which looked like a possible turning point in that dreary franchise/City’s fate.  But alas, Janeane G. led her Tomsulas to 18 Q4 points, and a 33-22 win.  It won’t likely get any better before it gets significantly worse.  I am not too thrilled about having Matt Nagy as a #NuAIDS Eskimo Brother, neither.  But in each life, some rain must fall.

That will do it for me, and a reminder – FUCK Halloween (and all the dumbass puns Coked-Up RedZone Guy made every 5 minutes – very glad not to hear Collinsworth one-up him).  On to see what November shall spawn.