On Monday the NBA unveiled the “City Edition” r-r-r-remix versions of all their teams’ jerseys. Some are good, some are bad, some are stupid. But because this is DFO, we will consider all of them terrible at best. The hate will be inconsistently applied, as good things on one uniform will be considered bad on another.
Anyway, let’s get to the hatin’…
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Atlanta Hawks
We kick things off with the Hawks, who have resurrected one of the worst 90s uniform trends (along with teal, EXTREME! graphics, and weird fits): slapping a gigantic cartoon logo smack dab in the middle of the jersey. Oh well. I guess it could be worse.
Boston Celtics
Just… why? The Celtics’ uniforms are boring as shit and that’s how they should stay. Also, we get it: you won a fuckload of championships back when our great-grandparents were virgins and black people weren’t allowed to play. Get over it, Boston. Tom Brady’s not coming back.
New York New Jersey Jay-Z Brooklyn Nets
Your team name is dumb. Almost everyone else went with a wild design and you decided to put us to sleep. That sponsor logo is awful. Get vaccinated, Kyrie.
Charlotte Hornets
Man, you almost had it, Charlotte. You almost walked away victorious with the hexagons, but you inexplicably shanked the game-winner by fading it to mismatched pinstripes. Just ruined the whole look. At least you didn’t put too much effort into reminding us that you were the Bobcats for five minutes.
Chicago Bulls
Damn. I’m really having a hard time coming up with something to hate about these. The sponsor patch is stupid. There. Are you happy?
Cleveland Cavaliers
This is kind of the first “we just threw all 90 of our past looks into one uniform and it wound up looking like shit” uniforms. Don’t worry, fellow DFOers: there’s more of this trash to come.
Dallas Mavericks
Remember when I said there was more “we just threw all 90 of our past looks etc. etc.” to come? Here it is. I don’t even care if these had been the best of the bunch: I’m from Houston, so fuck Dallas and everything about Dallas forever and ever and ever.
Denver Nuggets
I’m not gonna lie. These make me just a tad bit tumescent. Don’t get me wrong: they’re still fugly as hell. But I love all the random elements mixed together. I also happen to love mountains and played many hours of Tetris back in the day. That’s probably unrelated.
Detroit Pistons
When your historical looks are Boring, Boring, Boring, 90s Teal Abortion, Boring, Boring, it’s tough to make something exciting that teenagers will put on their Christmas lists. But you still failed, Detroit. What the fuck is with the lightning bolts? Did you merge with the Chargers and no one noticed?
Golden State Warriors
I can definitely see why you’d want a black uniform, since that’s one of your team’s col–oh wait, having a black uniform is stupid if it’s not your color. You’d be hard-pressed to find a Warriors fan who wants to remember the bad old days of the Thunder mascot. It’s interesting that they don’t reference the old Philadelphia Warriors, though. Hmm, wonder why.
Houston Rockets
Goddammit, Rockets. Why? What the everlasting fuck? The pajamas of the late 90s were NOT a good look. Why the hell are you reminding us of your cartoon rocket days? Why wouldn’t you just put yourselves in the classic ketchup n’ mustard look that you never, ever should have abandoned?
Indiana Pacers
This looks like some shit from the create-a-team feature on NBA 2K. Send it back.
LA Clippers
The Clippers have had some interesting, odd looks in the past, none of which bring to mind a multi-mast galleon capable of sailing the high seas. At least this is an improvement over their boring-ass current set?
LA Lakers
Look, you and I both know the Lakers should wear yellow and purple only. They own the color combo. There’s no reason to wear anything else. The stars on either side of the number look like nipples.
Memphis Grizzlies
When the Vancouver Grizzlies moved to Memphis in 2001, they got rid of the stupid 90s teal (I told you it was everywhere back then), but they also got rid of the crazy-ass details that made the uniforms a weird, wonderful relic of their era. Thankfully, this brings all that back. These are good. I mean, the entire concept is fucking ridiculous, but these are good.
Miami Heat
You know what? Let’s not do these yet. They’re so bad I’m gonna leave them to the end.
Milwaukee Bucks
I can’t see the Bucks without thinking about this tweet. These uniforms look like the designers smoked a bunch of angel dust and tried to do everything at once. Never should have ditched the weirdly sexy (?) original logo.
Minnesota Timberwolves
“Timberwolves” is one word. The actual animals are “timber wolves;” two words. I can’t unsee it and now you can’t either. Otherwise these are actually pretty awesome.
Timber. Wolves. Come on, Minnesota.
New Orleans Pelicans
Did we forget to call New Orleans when we were making these, Nike? It’s okay if you forgot New Orleans has a team. New Orleans often forgets that New Orleans has a team. These are their usual uniforms, by the way.
New York Knicks
You dipshits must have called Golden State and said, “Are you using black? Because we don’t want to do it if you don’t. But if you’re doing it, we’ll do it too.” No one outside of New York’s city limits gives two shits about Madison Square Garden.
Seattle Supersonics Oklahoma City Thunder
I kind of dig the all-white uniforms.
However:
You stole a team with an incredibly cool look from Seattle.
Absolutely nothing about your current uniforms or branding communicates the concept of “thunder.”
You’re in the same division as the Rockets and you’re in Oklahoma, so super-duper fuck you forever.
Basically any designer could come up with a better brand than you dipshits did.
Orlando Magic
The Magic incorporated orange as a nod to the orange industry in Florida. You know what else is grown in Florida? Limes, bananas, figs, meth-heads, racists, and persimmons. I don’t see any nods to those.
The stars on the sides are kind of cool, though.
Philadelphia 76ers
Ha! Gayyyy!
I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I love the gays! One of my best friends A guy I work with A woman I met one time Someone in the same aisle as me at the grocery store one time was gay!
Okay, all joking aside, these are pretty fucking sweet. I don’t love the “mashup” aspect, but the rainbow, the 76ers shorts logo, the team name on the jersey: all very good. Way to not fuck it up entirely, Philly.
Phoenix Suns
This was just Phoenix’s alternate uniform last year. A-plus design, but the lowest possible F-minus for effort. For a team with a pretty interesting visual history, this sucks out loud. No wonder you guys can’t win shit.
Portland Trailblazers
Does anyone outside of Portland call it “Rip City?” Hell, does anyone inside of Portland call it “Rip City?” This is boring and too close to their regular uniforms. Go drink some more kombucha, you fuckin’ weirdos.
Sacramento Kings
“Sactown?” Holy shit. At least “Rip City” is a cool name. I wouldn’t want to wear a jersey that reminds everyone our town’s nickname is scrotum-related. It’s bothering me way too much that the purple stripe on the shorts doesn’t continue up the side of the jersey. Also: no one has ever been “Sacramento Proud.” It’s a good thing that part will always be tucked into the shorts… right by the player’s “sactown.”
San Antonio Spurs
Oooooohhhh so close. San Antonio. You used the fiesta colors to great effect… except since the uniforms are white, you look like the Flint Tropics. Swing and a miss.
Toronto Raptors
Yet another team that had a gigantic cartoon logo on the front of their jerseys in the 90s and decided to bring that back for some reason. Just buy the team already, Drake. Your music sucks.
Utah Jazz
Just like the Suns, the Jazz decided to say “fuck it” and recycle an old design instead of putting in a minimum of effort and doing something new. Is there something in the water over there? Anyway, also like the Suns, you losers can’t win shit.
Washington Wizards
Look, I get your mayor was a crackhead and people were getting shot all the time so you couldn’t be the Bullets anymore, but “Wizards” is, always has been, and always will be an incredibly dumb name for a basketball team. At least the uniforms are good and you quit wearing 90s abortion teal. Change your name.
Miami Heat
What
The
Fuck
Saving the best (worst) for last here because holy shit, these are awful. Who decided “ransom note” was a good font? Fun fact: there are 7 different fonts for the numbers, and players will be able to choose the individual font for each number on their jerseys. That way they can all look like they play for different teams!
Please, please, please fire everyone involved with this concept. This is so fucking ridiculous. What a gigantic pile of shit. What an abject failure. Miami’s uniforms are normally awesome. This is the exact fucking opposite.
I’m gonna go watch some football.
(All pics courtesy of sportslogos.net. You can find the entire entry here.)
In fairness, ransom note unis is peak Florida Man.
“Oh yeah?” -Woody Johnson, Steve Cohen, seemingly every goddamn team c. 2010
Also, these direct and busy literal explanations of the uniforms belong on the poster board of a middle school science fair.
I don’t hate Philadelphia’s and Golden State’s. The rest of them are trash, and a few of them will cause seizures.
The problem with these designs is production. We can make any heinous color/logo combination comfortable with our current manufacturing prowess. As a result, you get designers pushing the limits without considering ANY matter of practicality or function (because it’s all a wash).
For me, I’d like to see all these logos be sewn on by the local embroidery company. You want a big hawk across your jersey? Then it should be impossible to fold up without a herculean effort to get a crease in that stiff-ass bird patch.
The Heat jersey seems like more of a callback to some trashy Floridian mother who killed her own kids and tried to frame it on a black guy by fabricating some ransom note but then kept the hacked up magazines.
I was in Rip City once when in my 20’s. My buddy went tot he front desk of our motel to ask for another blanket and the gentleman behind the cage gave him spare curtains as there were no more blankets.
Those nuggets jerseys are awesome except for the fact that little Yosemite Sam-esque mofo right on the waistband is creeping me out.
I thought this before I read it.
Miami really is the worst. Uni’s heinous too.
I liked more the ones with 70s vibes or lettering. Tho I dug the Raptors “Toronto” font and colors.
Rockets look like referee duds 😝
Bill Belichik’s Rockets would have studied every line of the rules for uniforms and then made his alternates look as close to referee outfits as possible.
Just to get it on record, the “Ha! Gayyyy!” was referencing Señor Chang on Community.
You’re all intelligent and probably figured that out, but I thought it was worth mentioning…
https://youtu.be/6K4yATbbDxw
A A Ron’s family right know is screaming “Who’s the pariah now!”, and popping champagne Mercury Morris style.
What you missed with the Bulls unis are they don’t have the jumpman logo but the Bobcats do.
I don’t really understand Nike’s delineation between Jumpman and Nike proper, but I guess it’s because Jordan is an owner of the Hornets/Bobcats?
I also don’t understand why football and soccer teams wear Jumpman gear, but that’s another discussion altogether.
Running is just a series of jumps.
Snatch the pebble from my hand, grasshopper.
It’s nice to see that Toronto put “Barney” back on their uniforms.I also like how most of the “features’ have been made tiny on the jersey on Barney.
For full effect, they should wear the ’60-70’s era shorts. Loads of fun watching the wedgies getting tugged at in the paint.
You spelled ‘taint’ wrong.
First off, love the post. Many good jokes! And you closed with the best jersey. “Hey, let’s remind everyone how much cocaine Miami imports!” Just awful in a wonderful way.
Also spot on with how stupid “Sactown” is, but they (the city and franchise) have nothing going for it, so just lean in to the terrible.
Want a Sacramento story? (No, fuck off) Great, here goes. In the 90s, my first job out of college was with an insurance company (wow you sound interesting). Anyway, was helping a client with his address change, and he’s like
“123 Main Street…West Sacto…”
Wait, can you give me the city again?
“West Sacto”
Never heard of that…can you spell it?
“S-a-c-t-o…actually, it’s West Sacramento, but we all call it Sacto, so just put that”
Oh. Okay, no, I’m not going to do that.
“Why not?”
Because the city is Sacramento, and we like to make sure the mail is actually delivered to our customers.
“Just put Sacto. Everyone knows this.”
Ok, again, not gonna happen. You live in West Sacramento.
Anyway, the insurance business is a land of contrasts.
The accepted abbreviation for Pittsburgh is Pgh. For Birmingham, it’s B’ham. As long as the zip code is right, the mail will get there. Eventually.
CLE really needed to lean into their #TheBasketPauls identity. SHAME!
/also, these were great, and reading this represents my entire connection with The Association this century
Did I miss when we started calling Cleveland’s basketed-ball franchise #TheBasketPauls? Because I fucking LOVE this new name!
Agree, it’s outstanding.
I think maybe I used #TheBasePauls when Chief Wahoo was being replaced over the summer? But for every season, a Pauling?
Turn, turn, turn.
Outsourced factory of sadness… Plus I do like TheBasketPauls