Holy C*ckweasels, We Actually Have Football! Tuesday Open Thread

Well well well. Looks like another year of foul deeds and grotesque habits have slid under Santa’s radar, because we’ve gotten an early Christmas present. Thanks to the magic of rampant COVID-19, there are TWO genuine NFL games on this fine Tuesday evening.

“But Reverend,” I hear you say, “I thought the NFL threatened that teams who couldn’t make rosters because of COVID would forfeit games!” Well, as with all things involving the NFL and more than 10 cents in potential lost revenue, some flexibility appeared.  First, the League ultimatum was for games that could not be rescheduled. Second, that was issued in the heady days before Omicron, when it was assumed that vaccinated players who followed protocols wouldn’t test positive. We now know that viruses are indeed cleverer than NFL bureaucrats, and neither the NFL nor NFLPA wants to know how many of the players have fake vaccine cards and are testing positive on that basis. So a certain amount of grace is being shown by everyone involved.

Now, the reeeeally interesting situation developing is Week 18. As has been talked to death elsewhere, parity is at a high water mark this year. It is highly likely that several divisions and all the Wild Cards will be up for grabs. Let’s say

1. the Clots and the Tits are tied in the standings.

2. A bunch of games get rescheduled- three on Monday, three on Tuesday.

3. On Saturday, the Texans come down with The Omega Variant and Tennessee is left without a dance partner.

Per the decree that both teams will be assessed a loss if there’s a forfeit, Tennessee could end up losing out on a playoff spot entirely due to no fault of their own.

Now, you may say this is far-fetched. You may say “Who cares, other than DonT, if the Titans get fucked over?” You may even go so far as to say they fucking deserve it for cheating their way past Buffalo in the 1999-2000 playoffs.

I’m sorry, what was I saying?

Right. Sorry. So the NFL can either push all of their carefully-orchestrated playoff plans back to accommodate one game, or they can stick by their I Said What I Said guns like the insecure needle-dicks they are. It will be really interesting.

ANYWAY: TONIGHT’S MATCHUPS-

Both of tonight’s games take place at 7 pm Eastern/6 pm DFO Standard Time. As both are NFC matchups, both will air simultaneously on Fox.

Almost everywhere east of the Rockies (plus New Mexico for some reason) will get the NFC East monkeyshit fight of Redacteds versus Eagles. Both teams are 6-7 despite being steaming hot garbage. Washington is down to their 8th string quarterback, lost Magary scion Garrett Gilbert:

GIlbert has managed to complete 23 of 44 passes for one TD and one INT over seven years in the league. Then again, he also has a Super Bowl ring and $2 million in career earnings at age 30, so don’t weep for him too much. His backup is Pat Shurmur’s son (who also has a ring- and that’s why championships don’t matter).

Philadelphia is starting it’s city-wide inferiority complex, as per usual.

MAYHEM’S PICK: 17-17 tie.

For the West, Missouri and a weird smattering of places in the upper Midwest, we get the Rams and the Seahawks. Yes, because St. Louis fans can’t get enough of the fucking Rams.

Russell Wilson looks vulnerable. The defense has carried the team (again) but looks like it’s playing with fire in its high yardage bend-don’t-break approach. Pete Carroll looks like exactly who he is: an over-the-hill huckster who stayed in the same town long enough for even the rubes to get wise to his con.

The Rams…well, the Rams have a maddening inconsistency to them. They beat the Clots and the Buccaneers, but have mostly gotten healthy off creampuffs (CHI, JAX, NYG, DET and HOU).  They were hit especially hard by The COVID over the last couple of weeks, so look for guys (Jalen Ramsay) to be a little winded early in the game if the Seahawks test them

PICK: Rams 34, Seahawks 20

HAVE AT IT, BOYS AND GIRLS