Welcome back to DFO’s Annual Christmas movies review. This feature is where one of us poor bastards watches a Christmas movie and summarizes it for you, so you can go for a snooze or drink more booze when your significant other forces you to watch the movie. Today’s Christmas movie is currently streaming on JerryVision and is titled Starr of Wonder.
The Players:
Rose Rollins – who you might remember as “Georgia” from the TV movie “Nikki and Nora” – plays frazzled Fort Worth event planner Samantha “Lone” Starr, doing her best to care for her aging mother as she races around the Dallas/Fort Worth metropolitan area coordinating high-end celebrations and parties.
Mike McCarthy plays affable, easygoing Cowboys head coach – and recent widower – Mike.
Plot Shenanigans:
A corporate client (voiced over the phone in a cameo by Bradley Whitford) sends Samantha to AT&T Stadium to book one of their luxury suites for a holiday party. The owner of the Cowboys football team Jerry Jones mistakenly identifies Samantha as a hooker he’s engaged from Silky Gerrard’s Companionship Emporium. What begins as a simple misunderstanding becomes a game of slap-and-tickle that ends with Samantha scampering through the hallways in order to escape the imminent sexual assault. She ducks into Mike’s office, and finds him sufficiently jaded to Jerry Jones’ roleplay escapades that it takes a while for him to realize that she genuinely needs his help.
Obstacle?
Samantha has been unlucky in love, but that hasn’t stopped her from putting herself out there. By contrast, Mike is terminally risk-averse, and is completely unwilling to take any kind of chances whatsoever. Whether it’s ordering something unfamiliar from a restaurant menu, changing the radio station in his car (even though they completely revamped their format five years ago and no longer broadcast in English), or calling something other than a screen pass on 3rd-and-12, Mike is not a man who ever lays things on the line. Mike is torn between sheltering Samantha and the prospect of defying his employer in even the most mundane way. But having been a witness to all kinds of unethical and illegal behavior in the NFL during his years of involvement with the league, Mike overcomes his fears and tells a benign white lie to Jerry that Samantha is the team’s new dietician. This turns into a series of lunch dates as Samantha attempts to broaden Mike’s horizons by introducing him to a series of potential caterers for the team’s cafeteria and tasting their wares. But an offhand comment to Jerry Jones from one of Dallas’ opponents’ head coaches (“she’s the first dietician I ever met where a casual conversation didn’t end with us as mortal enemies”) raises the suspicious of the mercurial Cowboys owner.
Resolution:
The big night of Samantha’s client’s event arrives and amidst the festivities Jerry Jones puts it together that Samantha’s constant appearances at the team facility have been a ruse. He is absolutely enraged.
His bruised ego inspires him to throw a tantrum and he attempts to cancel the event midway through, which would be an incredibly savage blow to Samantha’s reputation and career. However, the day is saved when Samantha’s twin sister, who is a member of Texas law enforcement, arrives to arrest Jerry for his participation in a sex trafficking ring that involves the cheerleaders of several NFL teams. The movie concludes with a joyous and successful holiday party and the prospect of future romance between Samantha and Mike, punctuated by a warm hug between the two.
I’ll really like it when chicks announce basketball games-this Brooke Weisbrod (pronounced Wise-broad) is one smart cookie.
Brilliant baby, but I think we’re missing out on some franchisable opportunities. Line? No? Do you mind? Snooooooooooooort. You sure? Now with this Jerry character, we need a redemption arc. So not jail. Maybe he gets visited by coaches past and learns the error of his ways. I like this Jimmy Johnson fella, lotsa opportunity for product placement there. And that Princeton feller… classes it up a bit. And that guy who almost lost his leg… we put him on crutches… This just writes itself. Or some other guy wrote it. Can’t remember…
“Hahahahahaha, as though anyone would ever entertain the idea of an NFL owner going to jail. Oh, mercy.”
Rikki, you are weird and wonderful. Balls is my current favorite, but you are only the width of one of Samantha Starr’s pubes that her half-blind Latvian waxer left behind…behind.
It (somewhat) thaws my cold, cold heart to think that THE OL DOUBLE J has Silky on speed dial.
RTD: It’s going to get cloudier and cloudier throughout the day, so any laundry we do this morning is probably going to end up going in the drier anyways.
DR. MRS. DEADLY: [does laundry anyways, then breaks a vaccum cleaner]
/seriously she goes through these things like the pre-Mayfield Browns went through quarterbacks
Should have married an appliance saleswoman.
Considering his tawdry love affairs with appliances, that would have been a smart move.
I assume nobody had any trouble identifying the visiting opponent’s head coach?
Let me just say I always LOVE #content from the voices in our heads.
A pro event planner could not “lay on” a “distraction” to keep ole double J busy? Boy that is some plot hole.
Are you not familiar with Hallmark/Lifetime? It’s all one big black hole around which the same general stories endlessly orbit, before finally getting torn to bits by the ravages of gravity, time (Candace Bure), or the need to get your shitty kids into USC for some reason, (Lori Loughlin)
Every day that goes by I regret a little more that when I saw Bill Macy out hiking I failed to ask him if he was that guy from that movie…what was it called, “Varsity Blues”?
I saw an article that says Hallmark movies, at their core, are a type of fascist propaganda.
/Double checks
Ah, it was on Salon.
My wife loves them. I wouldn’t call them fascist, just really simplistic, spiritually oriented towards Christendom, and perhaps a but too centered on white peo…
Ah, shit.
Sadly I am too familiar. In fact the Mrs is watching one of those as I write this. After 10 minutes on the love seat watching it with her, I had to chew off the arm around her neck and make my getaway.
It’s a shame I didn’t have time to get to “Good King Wesley Walls – Look Out!” this year.
Samantha “Lone” Starr is the perfect character name for this!
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a sexually charged hug, perhaps??
Side hug, no pelvises (pelvii ?) touching.
So chaste that it made the one at the end of Romeo Must Die look like hardcore pornography.
From Mike McCarthy? Absolutely not.