Your First Post-Christmas Slate of NFL Football Games Open Thread

Did you pour some whiskey or Baileys (‘Elf Cum’, as Dave Attell called it many years ago) into your coffee to take the edge off this morning? Atta boy/girl! Let’s get to work.

To The Games!

Lions/Falcons:

According to PFF, Cordarelle Patterson has taken a snap at safety this year-you can’t get that guy off the field! Our favorite meathead (meatball?) coach has the talent-free Lions playing hard but now they’ve been saddled with a Boyle. Gotta lance that thing in the offseason, coach.

Bucs/Panthers:

Coach Rhule, in what is clearly not some sort of desperation move-he’s just going to get the best out of both-will have both Cam and Darnold behind center today. The Bucs are down a bunch of skill guys but it won’t matter.

Ravens/Bengals:

The surprisingly competent Huntley is down and some dumb Johnson is in. What was I saying awhile back about your backup having at least some of the same abilities as your starter so the there could be some flow to your offense? This is what a half-decent franchise does. A shitty one puts an immobile giraffe out there and then moves on to a practice squadder poached from another team. Speaking of…

Giants/Eagles:

How about that Philly luck? They’re chasing a playoff spot and have been gifted with Garrett Gilbert and Jake Fromm in successive weeks. The offense has been pulling their weight though-since wk 7 they’re 5th in Expected Points Added and that number should improve after today.

Chargers/Texans:

Everyone and their fortune teller thinks that this is a smash spot for the likes of Herbert, Jackson, Allen and the like and my fantasy team agrees. When the Chargers are leading they don’t take their foot off the pedal-they still throw 61% of the time.

Rams/Vikes:

Cooper Kupp is +3500 to win MVP despite being on a pace for 199(!) catches and 1,973 yards and 17 TD’s. Cousins uneven play hasn’t hampered Minny too much the last few weeks but expect the trio of Donald, Floyd and Miller (they each had a sack of Wilson last week) to supply their own special brand of pressure.

Bills/Pats:

New England will be without Agholor (meh) and rook rb Stevenson (oh!) today. Even though I’m inclined to throw out some of what occurred in that Weird Windy Game a few weeks ago I will say that The Old Curmudgeon proved himself to be far more flexible in his game-planning than McDermott and Daboll. The Bills are just too dependent on their qb making game-breaking plays and when he isn’t the O has no structure and seems disorganized.

Jags/Jets:

Saved the best for last! (or almost forgot about doing this game) I took the Jags D because Zach looks like a shell of a Mormon out there and I wanted a rooting interest in this tilt.

Get after it.

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King Hippo

Do the Non-Gendereds also clinch with an Iggles DRAW? Because that looks quite plausible.

Redshirt

Okay, that’s two straight holds on Chase. When does Palpably Unfair Act kick in?

Horatio Cornblower

3rd down and 12, Giants run it up the gut, (because of course they do), but the Eagles somehow get called for defensive holding.

The Aristocrats!

Redshirt

Time to play “What is catch?”!

rockingdog

Yooooo
That Higgins catch was ROCKINGGGG!!! 💯

hippofant

You’re a catch. <3

King Hippo

Agreed, that is a CATCH

Fronkenshteen

Hippo! Where am I at with these Hammers? It’s all slipping away. What do you see? Is Moyes losing them? Are they not deep enough for Europa + EPL play? Right now they’re like Ted Striker over Macho Grande.

King Hippo

Yep, think the depth/poison chalice issue is the problem.

Fronkenshteen

Depressing. A month ago, we’d have trimmed the Saints no problem. Now we’re leaking goals. Tough to watch. Almost as tough as it’ll be to see Rice in a barcodes Jersey.

Horatio Cornblower

Ted will never get over Macho Grande

Redshirt

Welp, once again the Bengals had their foot on their downed opponent’s throat, but instead of pressing down with the foot, they helped their opponent up, dusted them off and gave them some cocoa.

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
Horatio Cornblower

Sold them some cocoa!”

-Mike Brown

rockingdog

Joe Burrow and Da Bengals are winning
That’s Rocking!!!

Horatio Cornblower

Romalu Lukaku is a goddamn beast.

Even if I just undoubtedly spelled his name wrong.

Dunstan

Isn’t that Hawaiian for “Merry Christmas”?

Horatio Cornblower

He just made a hell of a run, pretty much the length of the field, got tripped up in the box, (who among us, amirite?), and then after he did all the work Chelsea let a white guy get the goal on the PK.

Guess this game’s being played in the antebellum South.

rockingdog

Is Pulisic playing?
I’m distracted watching NFL red zone channel.
Gooooo Chelski!!!!

Horatio Cornblower

I didn’t see him, no, but I only flipped it over for 5 minutes or so, and the game was ending.

Dunstan

The sad thing about this Matt Damon commercial telling people that buying crypto makes them Magellan, the Wright Brothers, or Neil Armstrong, is that I bet it is totally working.

Horatio Cornblower

Hope it works out for crypto bros as well as that cruise worked out for Magellan.

King Hippo

We will see just how big an injury Dak! is hiding, based on whether he plays tonight.

Horatio Cornblower

Wait, what? I haven’t seen anything about him not playing, and he’s my starting QB in FF play-offs, so I actually care about this.

King Hippo

Basing that on the pending Gigantes win clinching the division.

Horatio Cornblower

Ah, yes, that could fuck me, I suppose.

Speaking of being fucked by surprise and in unwanted ways, my back-up is Rothlisberger, so I’ll have time to make adjustments.

King Hippo

Someone order a new foot for Purging Theilens.

Horatio Cornblower

Noted Fightin’ Horatios alumnus Tim Boyle is leading the Lions to an insurmountable 3-point lead against Atlanta, which at this point isn’t even playing for pride.

Horatio Cornblower

He went to the same all-boys high school I did.

Duh.

King Hippo

It’s not gay if it’s on-campus, eh?

/Trestman files for a mentoring job

Horatio Cornblower

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Spur

Those Philly players should really rethink wearing mittens during the game. It makes it much harder to catch the football.

King Hippo

Show us on the therapy doll where the rushing game touched you, Coach McDermott

Horatio Cornblower

Josh Allen has a box of hammers where his brains should be

Horatio Cornblower

That said, his receiver just Agholor’d him on 4th down.

King Hippo

Hey, WKRP supporters…
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Redshirt

Yeah, but last time it happened, they followed it happening with laying two eggs against the Jets and the Browns.

Redshirt

Wow! Somebody scored in NYG-PHI?!

King Hippo

I suppose we are lucky this Iggles/Gigantes “fingerpainting with feces” masterpiece wasn’t a full national broadcast…

Redshirt

Ballcarrier thrown into the legs of the referee blowing his whistle for five seconds? Clean play; just playing through the whistle.

King Hippo

You may need to go back in time and have words with your younger self.

King Hippo

oh man, we’ll get to see lots of it on RedZone, too

/just ML bet both Stillers and Bearistocrats!

Recovery Whiskey

Can conflrm

Redshirt

Boy o Boyd!

Horatio Cornblower

“Hurts’ weaknesses.”

Football?

King Hippo

the forward passing era, at least

Spur

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Brick Meathook

These commercials are absolutely stupid.

King Hippo

Dingleberry Time!!

Redshirt

“Illegal contact?” – CLE/GB Officials

Dunstan

One of the announcers in this Rams-Vikes game just used the expression “more cushion for the pushin'” and I’m wondering if he realizes what he just did.

Recovery Whiskey

More Jets quit on that play than flights were cancelled at Newark Airport today

rockingdog

Yoooo
Little QB Zach Wilson with the big TD run
Good job dog
That was Rocking!!!!

Doktor Zymm

While there is nothing illegal about running around outside a TSA checkpoint shouting “fuck the police” I think I will mosey over to the other side of the airport anyway

King Hippo

I mean, one is behind The Giraffe on the depth chart, there’s probably a reason…

Horatio Cornblower

‘We like Fromm, but he just can’t reach the top of the acacia trees like Mike can.”

Horatio Cornblower

Gettleman: “Nailed it!”

Mother Puncher

Which fanbase has the highest percentage of Juggalos? Detroit seems like the obvious answer, but I bet the Bengals are up there.

Spur
Redshirt

Not really. Bengals are close to Kentucky, so we’re mostly rednecks and hillpeople.

Mother Puncher

Having been to a couple Bengals games, I’d describe most of our fans as “Jesse’s one friend from Breaking Bad” or “Jesse’s other friend from Breaking Bad.”

Redshirt

But we’re from the midwest, so we’re the nicest methdealers you’ve ever met.

Dunstan

Raiders fans only look like Juggalos.

Horatio Cornblower

Dark horse candidate: The Chiefs.

Dunstan

Good thing Santa brought lots of batteries this year.

King Hippo

Riley Reid is now the Lions’ placement specialist? GOOD FOAR HER.

Redshirt

Most ladies get shunned when they try to leave the porn industry. Good for Detroit for helping her out.

Dunstan

I’m pretty sure that a Cooper Kupp was an important piece of hockey equipment.

Spur

Should I be rooting for the Bengals here?

Dunstan

Look, if you’re a masochist, that’s your business. We don’t judge here.

King Hippo

Did he break the plane?

Well, well, well. You NEVAR can tell.
Well, well, well. Sony Michel.

Last edited 2 years ago by King Hippo
Redshirt

Bengals are challenging the referees can’t count to 11. Bring out the expert!

The-Count.jpg (1024×782) (skepchick.org)

Redshirt

No decision on the replay. They’re still counting to 11 or 12?!

Redshirt

Both teams had too many men on the field?! HAHAHAHA!

Dunstan
LemonJello

After further review:

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rockingdog

Also good luck to everyone playing in Fantasy Football today! Hopefully you are all in the Semi-finals and your players are Rocking!!!!
Yay football! 🏈

Spur

Morning Folks

LemonJello

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Redshirt

First play: Burrow nearly dies. That’s a good start.

rockingdog

Found a funny:

wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer

Redshirt

Bengals lost DT D.J. Reader to COVID-cooties. Please adjust accordingly.

ThePirateSloth

YAY Portland got some snow. Time to take the dog out for a snow day!

King Hippo

Bitchin Kamara is the Saints’ backup QB today. THIS IS NAWT A DRILL.

Redshirt

What about Bort?

litre_cola

J Jackson, Harris, Gibson, or Tb Jones. Pick 2, non ppr

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Jones and no idea, Harris?

King Hippo

Jones fo sho, then flip a coin between Harris and JJ.

Don’t mess with late kickoff guy with turf toe.

Col. Duke LaCross

Jackson and Jones. Just based on workload, and you’d hate to be caught holding the bag on Sunday night if Gibson can’t go.