Did you pour some whiskey or Baileys (‘Elf Cum’, as Dave Attell called it many years ago) into your coffee to take the edge off this morning? Atta boy/girl! Let’s get to work.
To The Games!
Lions/Falcons:
According to PFF, Cordarelle Patterson has taken a snap at safety this year-you can’t get that guy off the field! Our favorite meathead (meatball?) coach has the talent-free Lions playing hard but now they’ve been saddled with a Boyle. Gotta lance that thing in the offseason, coach.
Bucs/Panthers:
Coach Rhule, in what is clearly not some sort of desperation move-he’s just going to get the best out of both-will have both Cam and Darnold behind center today. The Bucs are down a bunch of skill guys but it won’t matter.
Ravens/Bengals:
The surprisingly competent Huntley is down and some dumb Johnson is in. What was I saying awhile back about your backup having at least some of the same abilities as your starter so the there could be some flow to your offense? This is what a half-decent franchise does. A shitty one puts an immobile giraffe out there and then moves on to a practice squadder poached from another team. Speaking of…
Giants/Eagles:
How about that Philly luck? They’re chasing a playoff spot and have been gifted with Garrett Gilbert and Jake Fromm in successive weeks. The offense has been pulling their weight though-since wk 7 they’re 5th in Expected Points Added and that number should improve after today.
Chargers/Texans:
Everyone and their fortune teller thinks that this is a smash spot for the likes of Herbert, Jackson, Allen and the like and my fantasy team agrees. When the Chargers are leading they don’t take their foot off the pedal-they still throw 61% of the time.
Rams/Vikes:
Cooper Kupp is +3500 to win MVP despite being on a pace for 199(!) catches and 1,973 yards and 17 TD’s. Cousins uneven play hasn’t hampered Minny too much the last few weeks but expect the trio of Donald, Floyd and Miller (they each had a sack of Wilson last week) to supply their own special brand of pressure.
Bills/Pats:
New England will be without Agholor (meh) and rook rb Stevenson (oh!) today. Even though I’m inclined to throw out some of what occurred in that Weird Windy Game a few weeks ago I will say that The Old Curmudgeon proved himself to be far more flexible in his game-planning than McDermott and Daboll. The Bills are just too dependent on their qb making game-breaking plays and when he isn’t the O has no structure and seems disorganized.
Jags/Jets:
Saved the best for last! (or almost forgot about doing this game) I took the Jags D because Zach looks like a shell of a Mormon out there and I wanted a rooting interest in this tilt.
Get after it.
Do the Non-Gendereds also clinch with an Iggles DRAW? Because that looks quite plausible.
Okay, that’s two straight holds on Chase. When does Palpably Unfair Act kick in?
3rd down and 12, Giants run it up the gut, (because of course they do), but the Eagles somehow get called for defensive holding.
The Aristocrats!
Time to play “What is catch?”!
Yooooo
That Higgins catch was ROCKINGGGG!!! 💯
You’re a catch. <3
Agreed, that is a CATCH
Hippo! Where am I at with these Hammers? It’s all slipping away. What do you see? Is Moyes losing them? Are they not deep enough for Europa + EPL play? Right now they’re like Ted Striker over Macho Grande.
Yep, think the depth/poison chalice issue is the problem.
Depressing. A month ago, we’d have trimmed the Saints no problem. Now we’re leaking goals. Tough to watch. Almost as tough as it’ll be to see Rice in a barcodes Jersey.
Ted will never get over Macho Grande
http://www.ottofrei.com/images/137.003_thumbnail.jpg?resizeid=5&resizeh=175&resizew=175
Welp, once again the Bengals had their foot on their downed opponent’s throat, but instead of pressing down with the foot, they helped their opponent up, dusted them off and gave them some cocoa.
“Sold them some cocoa!”
-Mike Brown
Joe Burrow and Da Bengals are winning
That’s Rocking!!!
Romalu Lukaku is a goddamn beast.
Even if I just undoubtedly spelled his name wrong.
Isn’t that Hawaiian for “Merry Christmas”?
He just made a hell of a run, pretty much the length of the field, got tripped up in the box, (who among us, amirite?), and then after he did all the work Chelsea let a white guy get the goal on the PK.
Guess this game’s being played in the antebellum South.
Is Pulisic playing?
I’m distracted watching NFL red zone channel.
Gooooo Chelski!!!!
I didn’t see him, no, but I only flipped it over for 5 minutes or so, and the game was ending.
The sad thing about this Matt Damon commercial telling people that buying crypto makes them Magellan, the Wright Brothers, or Neil Armstrong, is that I bet it is totally working.
Hope it works out for crypto bros as well as that cruise worked out for Magellan.
We will see just how big an injury Dak! is hiding, based on whether he plays tonight.
Wait, what? I haven’t seen anything about him not playing, and he’s my starting QB in FF play-offs, so I actually care about this.
Basing that on the pending Gigantes win clinching the division.
Ah, yes, that could fuck me, I suppose.
Speaking of being fucked by surprise and in unwanted ways, my back-up is Rothlisberger, so I’ll have time to make adjustments.
Someone order a new foot for Purging Theilens.
Noted Fightin’ Horatios alumnus Tim Boyle is leading the Lions to an insurmountable 3-point lead against Atlanta, which at this point isn’t even playing for pride.
playing for pride
Begs the question, how do you know he’s gay?
He went to the same all-boys high school I did.
Duh.
Conversion therapy works, huh…
It’s not gay if it’s on-campus, eh?
/Trestman files for a mentoring job
Those Philly players should really rethink wearing mittens during the game. It makes it much harder to catch the football.
Show us on the therapy doll where the rushing game touched you, Coach McDermott
Rb Robinson is done for the game just like my chances in Freezer Vodka league.
Josh Allen has a box of hammers where his brains should be
That said, his receiver just Agholor’d him on 4th down.
Hey, WKRP supporters…
Yeah, but last time it happened, they followed it happening with laying two eggs against the Jets and the Browns.
Wow! Somebody scored in NYG-PHI?!
I think that was just someone drunkenly jerking off at a urinal, tbh.
One fantasy yakker said that Fromm has a ‘nerf gun arm’ but I think it’s more accurate to say that it’s, “Pennington-esque”.
I suppose we are lucky this Iggles/Gigantes “fingerpainting with feces” masterpiece wasn’t a full national broadcast…
Ballcarrier thrown into the legs of the referee blowing his whistle for five seconds? Clean play; just playing through the whistle.
I mean, I gotta support my Giants but this is the longest first half I’ve ever watched and there’s still twelve minutes left.
You may need to go back in time and have words with your younger self.
My choices were the Giants, Lions and Cowboys back then. I chose not too badly but sorta, kinda poorly.
Snowing in Seattle: Seahawks, Bears appear headed for third-ever snow game at Lumen Field – CBSSports.com
We may have a snow game!
oh man, we’ll get to see lots of it on RedZone, too
/just ML bet both Stillers and Bearistocrats!
Can conflrm
Boy o Boyd!
Giants D actually doing a good job of exposing Hurts’ weaknesses. (there are many) He’s very indecisive.
“Hurts’ weaknesses.”
Football?
the forward passing era, at least
These commercials are absolutely stupid.
You’re going to have to be more specific. Actually, you’re good.
Dingleberry Time!!
“Illegal contact?” – CLE/GB Officials
One of the announcers in this Rams-Vikes game just used the expression “more cushion for the pushin'” and I’m wondering if he realizes what he just did.
More Jets quit on that play than flights were cancelled at Newark Airport today
Yoooo
Little QB Zach Wilson with the big TD run
Good job dog
That was Rocking!!!!
While there is nothing illegal about running around outside a TSA checkpoint shouting “fuck the police” I think I will mosey over to the other side of the airport anyway
Fomm: 1 for 3, -4 yards.
I mean, one is behind The Giraffe on the depth chart, there’s probably a reason…
‘We like Fromm, but he just can’t reach the top of the acacia trees like Mike can.”
Gettleman: “Nailed it!”
Which fanbase has the highest percentage of Juggalos? Detroit seems like the obvious answer, but I bet the Bengals are up there.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AXjm8hGB64E&ab
Not really. Bengals are close to Kentucky, so we’re mostly rednecks and hillpeople.
Having been to a couple Bengals games, I’d describe most of our fans as “Jesse’s one friend from Breaking Bad” or “Jesse’s other friend from Breaking Bad.”
But we’re from the midwest, so we’re the nicest methdealers you’ve ever met.
Raiders fans only look like Juggalos.
Dark horse candidate: The Chiefs.
Philly fans warming up their throwing arms after two dropped passes, an interception and a fumble that was recovered. Nice start.
Good thing Santa brought lots of batteries this year.
Riley Reid is now the Lions’ placement specialist? GOOD FOAR HER.
Most ladies get shunned when they try to leave the porn industry. Good for Detroit for helping her out.
Being a scatback opens up so many opportunities for her in Europe.
I’m pretty sure that a Cooper Kupp was an important piece of hockey equipment.
Should I be rooting for the Bengals here?
Look, if you’re a masochist, that’s your business. We don’t judge here.
Did he break the plane?
Well, well, well. You NEVAR can tell.
Well, well, well. Sony Michel.
Bengals are challenging the referees can’t count to 11. Bring out the expert!
The-Count.jpg (1024×782) (skepchick.org)
No decision on the replay. They’re still counting to 11 or 12?!
Both teams had too many men on the field?! HAHAHAHA!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l5aZJBLAu1E
After further review:
Also good luck to everyone playing in Fantasy Football today! Hopefully you are all in the Semi-finals and your players are Rocking!!!!
Yay football! 🏈
Morning Folks
Oh Jalen, ya should have just tossed it away.
First play: Burrow nearly dies. That’s a good start.
Found a funny:
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Bengals lost DT D.J. Reader to COVID-cooties. Please adjust accordingly.
YAY Portland got some snow. Time to take the dog out for a snow day!
Bitchin Kamara is the Saints’ backup QB today. THIS IS NAWT A DRILL.
What about Bort?
J Jackson, Harris, Gibson, or Tb Jones. Pick 2, non ppr
Jones and no idea, Harris?
Jones fo sho, then flip a coin between Harris and JJ.
Don’t mess with late kickoff guy with turf toe.
Jackson and Jones. Just based on workload, and you’d hate to be caught holding the bag on Sunday night if Gibson can’t go.
God, Jones is such a boom or bust guy.
JJ and Harris