Stupor Wild Card Weekend was a picnic for the winners, even for the Bengals if you discount their own jitters. Honestly: the Raiders merely hung on, threatening in theory, until the final drive.
Now? Uf. The Big Boy Round beckons, and Imma get presumptuous and declare that none of the fans of the eight remaining teams are confident.
The Qaron Packers have been memorable playoff chokers. That last Jints Owl winner had no business defeating Green Bay (15-1!) in frigid weather (!!) in the 2011 Divisionals. The Pack @ C-Hox 2014 NFC Championship was a legendary coaching meltdown. (Personal theory: when #28-3 became the choking benchmark, Mike McCarthy became employable, even by the NGc-P.) And of course: the Kaep Niners sucked, digested, and excreted the soul of Green Bay for several years. Fortunately for The Pack, on Saturday Devante Adams will face this secondary:
Via inverse.com.
Buffalo produced and directed the definitive Bill Belichick snuff film. Ass kicking, curb stomping, no cliché captures last Saturday’s Pat pulverization. Coach McDermott and the Josh Allen Bills ensured that the Narrative Bowl will NOT happen. The State Farm Bowl, howevA, is still in play—so I’m rooting for the Bills in this one. Hmm.
[Inhales, contemplates the Cosmos, coughs out medicinal smoke]
BUF @ KC has a strong Anything Can Happen vibe. I’m thinking 17-13 grindout, but my heart is screaming foar a double 50-burger, like that Chefs – RAMMMITT!!! MNF game a coupla years ago. I dunno.
This weekend… Man. This is my current state
NFL NEWS
- When Crimebeat! Met #Distraction. Last night, Chefs’ LB Willie Gay was arrested for criminal property damage. He spent the night in the pokey, pled not guilty, and is out. Allegedly, he was visiting his son and broke stuff belonging to the child’s mother: “A police report estimated the total property damage at $225 for a vacuum cleaner, cellphone screen protector, humidifier and damage to a wall and door frame”, per espen. Doing the quick algebra, that cellphone screen protector must have set the damages over $200.
I found notable that Gay spent the night in the pokey, but the charge is a “Class B-nonperson misdemeanor”, with a hearing in March 2. To me, it’s puzzling that going into your 3 year-old son’s home, and breaking his mamma’s stuff during visitation, does not lead to child endangerment or graver domestic violence charges. Not judging this, just making two observations.
Full disclosure: I don’t hate the NFL for suspending Ben for sex assault allegations, a suspension set and then reduced. My bile remains reserved for the district attorneys who didn’t pursue a criminal process against the future HOF.
- Randall Cobb should play for the Packers on Saturday. I would have more to add, but Brooksfilms Ltd. threatened to sue DFO for posting a “MY BLANKET. MY LITTLE BLANKET. GIVE ME BACK MY BLANKIE” gif.
No word yet from the Gene Wilder estate. God damn what a mensch.
- The NFL filed a motion to dismiss Jon Gruden’s lawsuit. Chucky is suing because, allegedly, the NFL got him fired.
For leaking racist and sexist emails.
That Gruden wrote and sent.
Gotta say: representing the NFL in that suit is the pinnacle of Paid Grandstanding. Just imagine billing money for the time spent mulling about the best way to say, and turn into legalese, the following: “Mr. Gruden could not be expected to be part of the NFL family of inclusion in light of his racist invective, on email, about our most valued partner: the head of the NFLPA, Mr. DeMaurice Smi—”
Even I cannot get through that without convulsing. Kudos to the level-headed heroes: lawyers.
- Bruce Arians was caught on tape hitting his player, S Andrew Adams, and the NFL fined Arians for $50,000.00. I am sure AB already said something about it, and there are surely context-specific nuances—but I ain’t gonna let NOTHING get into my elemental hatred of a manager hitting an employee in the workplace. You just do not do that. Fuck you, Bruce Arians. Any goodwill I had for the Bucs is gone. RAMMITT RAMMMITTT!!!
- Per espen: Bengals DE Trey Hendrickson suffered a concussion against the Raiders, but has been cleared to play in Tennessee on Saturday. This is the perfect occasion to consider that NFL players are human beings. It is a disgrace that there are doctors and managers willing to put a player, in the prime of youth, at risk of utterly losing his senses. “[T]he most rapid recovery from a concussion occurs in the first 1-3 months and most people are back to normal by 6 months”—it’s all there on page 4 of “Recovering from a Concussion”, from the Concussion Clinic of Burwood Hospital.
What callousness by Cincinnati It just happens that Hendrickson is the only Bengal who can ably qualify as a “pass rusher”: 0.88 sacks per game, 1.7 QB hits per. When Hendrickson came out of the Raiders game last week, David Carr had less pressure than Republican congressfolk. Trey Hendrickson should not play. I am disgusted. Let there be no more talk of quote-unquote player safety—what hypocrisy—in light of the travesty of glory brought about by the utter banality of a “W”. For shame!
- Derrick Henry fractured his foot on Halloween, got a steel plate put in, has been practicing since Week 18, and will be activated for the Bengals game. Allow me to add:
SPROTS TONITE
All times Central, listings by espen, schedule times by substracting 2:
Pelicans @ Knicks – 6:30
Suns @ Mavs – 6:30
Pacers @ Warriors – 9:00
Heh. We all know at least one who has.
What do you mean “Soberly?”? Psht. Scrutinize your acquaintances—really!
Capitals @ Bruins – 6:00 PM
Stars @ Pegulas – 6:00 PM
Blue Jackets @ Flyera – 6:00 PM
Sens @ Pens – 6:00 PM
Jets @ Predators – 7:00 PM
Panthers @ Oilers – 8:00 PM
Avalanche @ Kings – 8:30 PM
Canadiens @ Golden Knights – 9:00 PM
Sharks @ Karens – 9:00 PM
Purdue @ Indiana – 6:00
Belmont @ Morehead – 6:00
USC @ Fuck Them Up, Fuck Them Up, Go CU! – 6:30
UConn @ Butler – 8:00 PM
Arizona @ The Tree – 10:00
UCLA Q@@ Utah – 10:00
San Francisco @ Gonzaga – 10:00
Honor the name, San Francisco. Go nuts in the comments.
Farsi is hard
Test results in……….
Negative motherfuckers! Ain’t even trace results of COVID in this beautiful temple of a body!
Never had it this entire time.
Let’s drink!
Slightly ahead of you. Hey so who do you like and/or expect to be the next Vikings coach?
Honestly, let’s get a look at Bienemy. I could be talked in to Todd Bowles too.
Yay for you and Taj!
I’m riding high after winning at poker tonight. I had good cards, and I played them well. Gotta love nights like tonight.
I have an appointment tomorrow in Redlands to get my car serviced. Today, my radio and navigation screen went black. Good timing, I guess? Hopefully it’s just a fuse or something
Could be. Timing is everything, so ya timed that one right.
I just got mine serviced Monday, they saw I needed brake pads so got that knocked out saving a trip that would have; a- cost more and b- probably screwed up my schedule a few months down the road.
I know I need tires, probably need the brakes looked at too. I live on top of a mountain, the twisty roads aren’t doing my car any favors. But I’m getting off this hill soon.
“Yeah, man, these twisty roads are deathtraps.” – Britt Reid, staring down a perfectly flat, perfectly straight road outside of Kansas City that from his viewpoint looks just like Lombard Street.
When you’re gacked to the gills, your eyeballs naturally tend to spin around in your head. It’s not his fault!
Courtroom rendering of Britt Reid
So, your radio and navigation screen are never going back?
They need to get their groove back!
I look forward to revisiting this exchange in GTD’s post next week.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m5k9a5TbAQ
Great post sir. I gotta teach class this morning, so…
Reading about that American flight to London that turned around an hour after departing Miami for an anti mask asshole. I’m genuinely surprised the other passengers didn’t line up in the aisle to slap the shit out of her Airplane style.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1Cpc8Vw-2A
If someone had murdered that passenger, I wouldn’t have convicted said murderer.
This fuckstick need to be on a permanent no-fly list. Enjoy swimming to London, douchebag.
I hope someone on the flight is a lawyer, and files a class action suit for every single passenger on the plane, simply out of spite.
When you can’t the same song out of your head for four days:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O7VmBC19P5M&ab_channel=TOOLVEVO
It’s been Mystery Acheivement for me lately. I love me some Pretenders, but damn Chrissy Hynde, remove yourself from my brain!
Is it weird to not hate Nick Saban?
Trying to think about successful coaches over the last generation, and how many of them I don’t hate…list is kinda short.
Popovich, obviously
Phil Jackson? Gotta think about that one, saying that as a Lakers fan
Coach K? Complete dick.
Dabo? Phony-ass Christian cockbite
Belichick? Joyless fucker, still better than Brady
LaRussa? Seems like an asshole
Torre? Meh
Anyway, I actually like Saban even though I generally root against Bama.
Bill Cowher, Mike Tomlin, Dan Bylsama, and Mike Sullivan
Are the last 2 hockey guys? I know nothing of hockey coaches.
Honestly, I like Tomlin, and Cowher got old in a hurry. But then I’m neither a Yinzer nor royalty-to-be.
Yes, and yes. Also, yes.
When your owner is the ambassador to Ireland, you gotta be a classy coach.
“I wish the Chiefs owner were ambassador to Ireland…” – Andy Reid, thinking of all the free potatoes
I am still surprised the Pens fired Bylsma.
Blowing a 3-1 lead in the playoffs will do that. Also letting crosby get squirted with water didnt help
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somehow, despite being an expansion team in 1967, the Pens still have more Stanley Cups. Piss on Sid all you want, you’d love him with he was Blue Shirt.
Three things we can always agree on: Fuck the Flyers, the Islanders are completely useless, and the Capitals can eat yesterday’s dog shit.
Touché.
Amen!
I know a lot of people who know him, and his family. I’ve never heard a bad word about them.
I’m not hating the OKC bomber yet. And Billy Donovan is a nice guy.
Ever since I realized that the NFL is a work (like pro wrestling) I’ve felt differently about Belichick. I now see him as more like a wrestling heel who’s very good at his job. Like Rowdy Roddy Piper.
Oof. Okay, nobody check their 401k’s tonight. Or tomorrow. Probably want to give all of next week a miss, too.
lol ain’t gonna retire til like 5 years after death anyway
I try to limit myself to checking once a month, but I had to make a transaction yesterday and … oof.
Eh, not awful. But I also avoid going tech heavy since I’m forced to overinvest in FB
“Vote for Biden!”, you said. “It’ll be fun!”, you said.
86802c01bd72797992c94d1e85e348cd.jpg (263×191) (pinimg.com)
.
To be fair the S&P 500 has gone up 16% since he took office (and 27% since he was elected). It wasn’t going to go up forever.
And put it all in blockchain, right? *checks Russian finance* Right?
Well, good news! My IRA end of year checks… deposited today, fuck. Well, they’re still in cash, probably.
Why does the Knicks game start at 6:28? Why not just say it
I wonder if Gruden is suing more to take down as many people with him as he can, and make the NFL look as bad as possible for covering it up. If that’s the case, please proceed
GovernorMr. GrudenTHIS JON GRUDEN I CALL HIM LISA “LEFT EYE” LOPES CAUSE HE’S ABOUT TO BURN THE WHOLE HOUSE DOWN.
I hope so, RELEASE ALL THE EMAILS!!
I like the scorch the earth approach, but willing to bet there’s gotta be stuff that burns Jay Gruden. Jon’s gotta have a “Not so disgraceful exit” scenario on hand.
Found a funny;
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
When the Dr. Mrs. Deadly asks me what I’m chuckling about, what should I tell her? I don’t want to admit the truth, which is “antivaxxers dying”.
Dick Cheney getting COVID? That hasn’t happened (yet), but, I’d laugh.
Can robots even get COVID?
In the World Gone Mad, I have to defend Dick Cheney. Before 2016, I would’ve snuck in all the microwaves while he slept in the coffin or blood of the innocent or whatever he uses as a bed and made popcorn while his pacemaker goes kablooey. Now, he’s an dying reminder of what the Republican Party used to be. Evil, but pragmatically evil.
We are beyond fucked, if we’re nostalgic for a war criminal.
It’s true! Dick Cheney wants the United States to rape and pillage every other country on earth, which is better from my perspective as an American than the current GOP’s plan to rape and pillage our own homeland.
“Jenny McCarthy’s tits”?
I think we may have a nipslip. Just to be safe, I will closely examine this picture, other Jenny McCarthy media and other media to confirm.
For science, of course.
Yes, yes, I see what you mean.
Reese Ewert’s jokes?
Cat marriage on reddit! And cat divorce!
My sex life?
I had halloumi cheese for the first time tonight. I’ll say this for the Cypriots- they may have gotten conquered by every passing power in the Mediterranean for the last 3000 years, but they make a mean squeaky cheese
Ordered Takoyaki for the first time, excited to try it shortly.
I agree with Hendrickson. Either he didn’t get a concussion and they were just being safe last week or he did get a concussion and they rushing him back out because playoffs.
I am only concerned with Hendrickson’s well-being and not self interested. Hand on Bible*
*
I have that one! Actually, I have a bunch of Onion compilations.
For reals, tho: I wouldn’t blame Hendrickson for wanting to play and therefore signing hundreds of pages of release-from-liability contracts. He’s a high performance athlete at the top of his profession and his team just beat at 31 year-old playoff drought. This is “Highlight of a Life” stuff; you don’t have to be young to appreciate there’s a unique opportunity right now.
And, in the end, it’s your own life. You decide, fuck doctors and shit.
If Hendrickson doesn’t wanna play, spin the above 180 degrees thks
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/titans-change-ticket-policy-for-playoff-game-in-hopes-of-keeping-bengals-fans-mostly-out-of-nissan-stadium/
Nothing says “We have faith in our fans to create a Home Field Advantage” by quasi-banning the visiting team’s fans.
Urge to kill…RISING.
I gotta put up with that shit every single week from the announcers and now I’m getting it HERE too? Damn, man.
I’m not going to lie, I giggled over that for a second, picturing you grinding your teeth
There’s also Sharks @ Kraken, but it is about time to forget about that terrible team.
Fixed! Thanks man.
/mutters “what’s with all the completists in this joint”
CHOMP CHOMP
Gooo Sharks 🦈
They’re victims of Vegas’s success. GMs realized how badly they fucked up before. Rushing another expansion team with the same rules so close to them was a deathknell.