New Year’s Eve.
Saint Patrick’s Day.
Super Bowl.
What do all of these three events have in common?
They are fucking amateur hours.
The people who don’t normally drink; or think they’re Irish; or know squat about football, attend these events in order to be part of something. They are vapid beings who all need to have a date with a wood chipper. Face first.
I want to provide a guide to the characters you may encounter at this year’s Super Bowl party. If you even attend one. I don’t, obviously.
Things I would rather do than go to an SB Party:
- Listen to Ray Lewis preach for 8 hours straight.
- Spend time with my mother-in-law discussing politics, religion, and Donald Trump.
- Take a hammer to the ball sac.
- Drive cross country with Stephen A. Smith after he’s done a gram of meth.
- Spend one minute with Jackson Mahomes. Wait, I would spend that minute shoving knitting needles up his nose.
The Know Nothing “Fan”
Usually a female. She is there to party and flirt with guys. Probably dressed nicely, and depending upon her shallowness, wearing a brand-new jersey of a competing team. I’m thinking Joe Burrows because he’s so cute. (Reality check, he is an insufferable asshole.) She will cheer at the wrong time, ask stupid questions, and pass out by the third quarter. Drawing on her face is completely acceptable, but that’s it. Don’t get weird and creepy. You will see her a few weeks later at a bar making out with the bouncer.
Super Fan
A “true fan” of one of the teams. He shows up half in the bag and is running around yelling and screaming. A bottomless well of inane statistics and plenty of “insight” into the team. One minute after the game starts you will want to bury a hatchet in his face. Super Fan will over react to every penalty against his team, scoring drive by the opposition, and if his teams win will break something. This is the asshole who buys the “Super Bowl Champions” gear that comes out two seconds after the game is over. If his team loses, he will fight someone. Anyone. Finishes the night vomiting.
The Hipster
This is the tool who “doesn’t follow sports” and “doesn’t get how people can get into a violent sport like this.” His name is probably Brandon or Lovefart. He wears a scarf and drinks beer out of a glass. The beer will be some horrible concoction. If not beer, he may be sipping on absinthe. Look for lots of black clothes and possibly ironic glasses. When you see him, it’s okay to punch him in the balls or shove him into a closet. In the event he brings a book, slam his head into a wall. (NOTE: I used to attend the same SB party every year. A guy like this showed up and was so annoying that we locked him out on the porch. Then we hid his jacket and car keys. It’s amazing one of the meatheads there didn’t stuff him into the dishwasher.)
The Stats Guy
Knows every fucking stat ever about the game. Doesn’t drink. Sips on bottled water and will have annoying stats-based apps on his phone. Counters every argument with “facts” and is a firm believer in following the analytics. Has never played a sport and wishes he had. Beware, his stats knowledge isn’t just limited to sports, he knows everything about politics and will be able to quote the voting records of politicians. Former philosophy major. Also, a closet racist.
The Vegas Guy
This punk has about 40 props bets laid down and is constantly checking Draft Kings and loudly proclaiming how much money he has spread around. Also drinks stupid fucking martinis or something similar, like maybe a White Claw. (NOTE: If you are at a Super Bowl party and they are serving this type of swill, your friends are pussies.) Throughout the game will yell about his bets to impress people. Constantly yells “Vegas, baby!” and “I’m up five hundo!”
The Host
If the guy is single, he’s having a great time and the house is a wreck. Although not sober, he’s not drunk and will have to break up a fight during the event. Worried about his television and couch. His dog is loveable, and smells like a burrito.
If the guy is married or has a girlfriend, he is miserable. She’s been bitching about this event for two weeks. If you’re his friend, she hates you. May have invited one or two hot friends over for support. They are drinking white wine and sneering at everyone. Do everything you can to annoy them, it won’t be difficult but it will be fun.
The Cute Girl
She is actually here for the game and a few drinks. Undeniably cute with blue eyes. Probably of Irish descent and her nose is an upturned button that’s sprinkled with freckles. Good legs, awesome rack hidden under a jersey, so you’re constantly guessing. Mingles with ease and is tired of every buffoon at the party making a run at her. Approach her casually and talk about something other than football. After a long conversation, ask for her number and find out she has a boyfriend who doesn’t like sports or can’t be here because he’s this great fucking dude who is a pediatrician or lawyer for a non-profit. Find the Hipster guy and sucker punch him. Leave drunk and angry.
Good Luck
Super Bowl Parties eat shit. If you have to attend one, or God forbid you’re the host, invest in some PCP or quality LSD. Liquor and beer won’t help you.
I’m only rooting for the Rams because the Bengals and their fans will be insufferable next year and I’ll have to hear how they now own the AFC North. At the end of the day they live in Ohio and eat diarrhea on top of cheap pasta. Fuck them.
This day makes me sad because there’s no more football. Only basketball and baseball – both are horrible. I’ll find some solace in hockey, and spend time driving my thankless kid to lacrosse games and practice.
I just replaced the wheels on my desk chair with urethane wheels and man oh man does this chair float on air now! Smooth and real silent-like!
And I don’t got no stinking cheap office chair from Staples that breaks after a year; I got a place in Gardena that resells top-end furniture from corporate firms for a song. My chair used to belong to Parsons Engineering and it was used to design death rays or something. Parsons does some spooky shit.
I’ve spent all day racing around my studio headquarters, which has marble floors:
If you come over, which is not likely, but if you do you have to sit in the wooden chair, not the engineering studio comfort racing chair (not pictured). Them’s the rules.
Marble surface and a high end executive chair are urban bobsleading just waiting to happen.
My prediction for tomorrow: gonna gain 5 lbs in one day. At least, that is my plan.
Lovefart works in our comptroller office. I hate dealing with that asshole but have to everytime I need funds for something. Love the hatchet to the face tip.
Lovefart must be dealt with. He’s a dick and a backstabber.
Evening. Looked at four places to live today. 2 hard nos, 1 split decision (which = no), and 1 we’re thinking about it. Long fucking day.
The real question is: What part of the country?
Back east
Good luck with the weather!
Official Redshirt Prediction (mostly because I don’t want to type this tomorrow on an iPhone)
In order of probability (lowest to highest):
Bengals win in a blowout (10% chance): They have shown they can keep one foot on the gas and the other on the other team’s throat when they are ahead. If they can keep Stafford off balanced and the running game shut down, it could allow Burrow and the offense to keep putting points on the board until its out of reach.
Rams in in a blowout (30% chance): Strength vs. Weakness. Rams DL vs. Bengals OL. The key to the Bengals offense is Burrow. If you can keep hitting him, those hits will add up. Also, the Rams do have great WRs who have a chance to score on any play. Also, the Rams play in home, in an non-A/C dome and in the Southern California heat. The Bengals are used to playing in the cold and they had less than a week to get used to the climate. Conditioning could come into play.
Rams win in a close game (25% chance): The Rams weakness is their running game. Its good and serviceable, but its not something that can carry the offense if the passing game’s not working. Not to mention the Bengals defense, while not as good as the Rams, is capable of showing up when needed. Also, this Bengals just doesn’t know when to quit. Even when behind, they’ll keep fighting until the final whistle.
Bengals win in a close game (35% chance): All three Bengals playoff games went down to the final play (if you don’t count a kneel down in the Raiders game). Whether its determination, skill or luck, this team somehow wills itself over the finish line. Whatever is needed; a key turnover, a clutch pass, a breakaway run or a last second kick, this team isn’t afraid of doing what is needed to win.
Like I said two weeks ago, the Bengals are a year early. If they lose, I’ll be happy I got to enjoy the ride and dream of what the next few years could bring. If they win, I’ll be proud and ecstatic at the thought of if they can improve and turn this one-night stand into a nice little run.
Either way, it looks like we’re in for a nice game tomorrow.
That’s a good analysis and I concur. However, I don’t think they’re a year early. It’s never too early to start winning championships.
Enjoy this Superb Owl, because if/when the Bungles win, World War III will start about 24 hours later.
https://www.reuters.com/world/biden-putin-speak-ukraine-warnings-mount-2022-02-12/
Does Luxembourg have a good bunker system, and how much room is there for friends-of-Princess’-guy?
Yeah, it’s gonna be great.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w9Frf2fgi0s
I’m a little surprised he’s not waiting for the Olympics to end, but considering they’ve been a shitshow at times it’s a diversionary tactic!
Yes, WWIII is a diversionary tactic.
…and the 7th seal was broken, and men dressed as tigers were triumphant after wondering the desert of incompetence for 40 years.
I’m so tired. I got some shit done though, so yay? I had to clean the garage in the new house, the previous owners have been smoking cigarettes in there for 18 years. It was gross. I used to smoke myself, I really had no idea how nasty it is until I quit 24 years ago. Best present I ever gave myself. The garage still smells like smoke, but it’s a ton better. I took as much crap from up here that I could fit in my clown car. Getting there!
My car was the same way, but vinegar soaked towels worked to get rid the smell overnight. You could try something that, however the walls and ceiling may have absorbed the smell.
Yeah, I think it’s going to take that Kilz primer amd a coat of paint to kill it. I’ll bring my jumbo jug of vinegar down next time I go, it’s worth a shot. You’re pretty smart for an Ohian! Good luck tomorrow, but I’m rootin’ Rammit!
But hey, you have a garage! Pretty kick ass!
It’s a one car, extremely narrow one. I already scraped my car on the curb backing out. I am damn glad to have one though!
You need to hang a tennis ball so you can pull in properly. My dad tried it when I was a youngster, we pulled it out of the ceiling about 10 minutes after he installed it.
Congrats fellow quitter!
I used the patch. Took about a month, but I was determined. I kind of tricked myself into it, I had a wisdom tooth removed, and I figured I’d use it for a few days to avoid a dry socket. Then I tried for one more day, then another… I haven’t had so much as a puff since.
I didn’t start, mostly because I knew my family smokes and I already have an addiction gene (see gambling, casino and ice cream, pints of). Not to mention, it may have caused a part in my grandma dying relatively early. My mom did but she quit. She must’ve enjoyed quitting; she did it four times.
However, she been smoke-free for about 20 years.
Where did you get footage of me attempting to ski?!
Oh, and for the record, that hurt. A lot.
Lol, I was thinking that was me every time I went to Seven Springs!
Me on the Other Hippo regimen:
You’ve really made the grade, Major Tom.
Bengals by 4. I interview with the Rams and they lowball me by 90k.
Rams spent a lot on Jalen Ramsey, less money for you. Priorities.
I would take 90k less than Jalen Ramsey’s contract
I am another supe party attendee. I roll in with printouts of a fun, 20-leg prop bet funzo thing. I’m talking over/under on the total time of the Star-Spangled Banner stupid shit and announcing winners as they happen. and I brings me own bottle.
First, the Rams. No one in Los Angeles cares about home football teams.
Ahem. Ok, maybe I’m not in LA but I assure you, I drunkenly care.
Rams win tomorrow 30-20.
I’ve never been to an Owl party, nor cared aboOt the ads. And I always planned summin’ to do during halftimes, except whe Prince, The Who, J Lo and Shakira played. The last one I’ve watched outside my house was Donks WOO! against the Packers.
And I missed practically all of the P*ts defeating Pre-LA RAMMITTTT because I invited friends over who didn’t care about pro football.
NEVAR AGEEN
Lindsey Vonn kinda looks like Morticia in a blonde wig.
I’m okay with this.
“They rarely get much snow here at the Alpine skiing venue!”
Yeah, these Olympics are legit.
This is why I only take life coach advice from míster Fozz.
Accent courtesy of autotext
I’m going to a Super Bowl party tomorrow at my friends (because they don’t think I want to experience a Bengals Super Bowl with my father). They were kind enough to say I could be there at 12:30. Not sure if they know when the game is supposed to start.
And Fozz, don’t worry about me. I won’t become insufferable if the unthinkable happens tomorrow night. Only those who suffered Hell can truly appreciate Heaven.
Bengals have the best QB and kicker. Both are just beginning their NFL career. There’s plenty to enjoy, beyond tomorrah
Even if they lose tomorrow, they are clearly one of the Top 5 teams in the AFC. Technically, their window isn’t even open yet, they just broke the damn glass to get here.
Its a scary thought to see a team make the Super Bowl and think, “They can still get better.”
Watching early Archer on Hulu. Based on the commercials, Hulu seems to have repurposed the Friends set for some other dumb shit
Post college the dudes I hung with were major Friends fans. Christ that tv sucked. Except of course Jennifer Aniston in those shorts….
I, for one, also add a little extra flair to my twizzles so my routine really pops for the judges.
This ice-dancing lady, Victoria Sinitsina is quite fetching.
Someday, I will read the word “fetching” as “fetching” and not “felching” but today is not that day.
She’s no chock.
Saw this at Costco – did I buy it immediately? YOU KNOW I DID!
That’s awesome!
That’s barking!
Sorry, I didn’t make a night thread (nap plus family drama). Here is The Athletic’s Olympic viewing guide:
All dates and times below are converted to Eastern time, 13 hours behind Beijing time. NBC’s main-channel curated prime-time show begins at 8 p.m. ET Saturday, and will feature live bobsled with the women’s monobob and alpine skiing with the men’s giant slalom, as well as tape-delayed coverage of the women’s skeleton final runs and figure skating ice dance competition. All events can be streamed on Peacock or at NBCOlympics.com.
Head to Peacock to catch the action in Beijing.
Top U.S. events
Men’s hockey
What: U.S. vs. Germany
When: Sunday, 8:10 a.m.
TV: USA and streaming
A 4-2 win over Canada on Saturday in Beijing put the U.S. in good position to win the group and advance straight to the quarterfinals, avoiding the playoff round of the knockout stage. Beating Germany would seal the deal, and even a loss could still do it.
Bobsled
What: Women’s monobob, heats 1-2
When: Saturday, 8:30 p.m.
TV: NBC and streaming
Kaillie Humphries, who moved from the Canadian Olympic team to the U.S. squad since the last Games, and Elana Meyers Taylor are medal contenders in this brand-new event on the bobsled program. Winners are determined by the total time over four heats across two days. Meyers Taylor tested positive for COVID-19 at the beginning of the Games and had to miss her flag-bearing duties, but she has since been cleared to compete.
Speedskating
What: Women’s 500m
When: Sunday, 8:56 a.m.
TV: NBC and streaming
The world’s top 500-meter skater, American Erin Jackson is a gold-medal favorite. And she’s only in this race because teammate Brittany Bowe relinquished her spot so Jackson could go to Beijing after Jackson slipped up in the U.S. trials. In a case of good karma, Bowe later got back in the race after the U.S. picked up one of the unused quota spots from other countries. Kimi Goetz, 12th in this year’s World Cup standings, is also in the field.
Men’s curling
What: U.S. vs. Canada, U.S. vs. China
When: Saturday, 8:05 p.m. (U.S.-Canada); Sunday, 7:05 a.m. (U.S.-China)
TV: CNBC (U.S.-Canada), USA (U.S.-China, delayed, 3 p.m.) and streaming
A loss to Norway leaves John Shuster’s defending Olympic champion team at 2-2 and needing wins. Five teams (including Canada and China) are currently tied in fourth place at 2-2 in the nine-game group stage. The top four teams will advance to the medal round.
Women’s curling
What: U.S. vs. Sweden
When: Sunday, 1:05 a.m.
TV: USA (delayed, 10:30 a.m.) and streaming
Tabitha Peterson and the U.S. squad suffered their first defeat Saturday, losing 10-5 to Great Britain. They’re in good position at 3-1, but the strong start has come against the weaker end of the field. The combined record of the Americans’ four opponents so far is 4-12. The record of their final five opponents is 12-6, with 2-2 Sweden up next.
Other medal events
Alpine skiing
What: Men’s giant slalom, runs 1 and 2
When: Saturday, 9:15 p.m. (run 1); Sunday, 12:45 a.m. (run 2)
TV: NBC and streaming
Biathlon
What: Women’s 10km pursuit, men’s 12.5km pursuit
When: Sunday, 4 a.m. (women’s); Sunday, 5:45 a.m. (men’s)
TV: USA (women’s 10km pursuit, live; men’s 12.5km pursuit, delayed, 1:30 p.m.) and streaming
Cross-country skiing
What: Men’s 4x10km relay
When: Sunday, 2 a.m.
TV: USA and streaming
Short track speedskating
What: Men’s 500m quarterfinals, semifinals and finals; women’s 3,000m relay finals
When: Sunday, 6 a.m. (finals begin at 6:35 a.m.)
TV: USA and streaming
Other events
Alpine skiing
What: Women’s downhill training
When: Saturday, 10 p.m.
TV: USA (delayed, 11 p.m.) and streaming
Men’s curling
What: Round-robin matches
When: Saturday, 8:05 p.m.; Sunday, 7:05 a.m.
TV: USA (Norway-Sweden, delayed, Saturday, 11 p.m.) and streaming
Women’s curling
What: Round-robin matches
When: Sunday, 1:05 a.m.
TV: Streaming only
Freestyle skiing
What: Women’s slopestyle qualification and aerials qualification
When: Saturday, 9 p.m. (slopestyle); Sunday, 6 a.m. (aerials)
TV: USA (slopestyle, live; aerials, delayed, 2:15 p.m.), NBC (aerials, live) and streaming
Men’s hockey
What: Preliminary-round games
When: Saturday, 11:10 p.m. (Slovakia-Latvia); Sunday, 3:40 a.m. (Finland-Sweden); Sunday, 8:10 a.m. (China-Canada)
TV: CNBC (Slovakia-Latvia), USA (Finland-Sweden, delayed, 4:40 a.m.) and streaming
Speedskating
What: Men’s team pursuit quarterfinals
When: Sunday, 8 a.m.
TV: NBC and streaming
Monobob Bobsled. That looks genuinely fun. Why the hell would anyone do Luge or Skeleton if this exists? Looks like a lot less of a chance of breaking your body into 197 pieces too if you wreck.
I would totally do that!
Not sure about that. Probably good if you stay in the sled and don’t flip and snap your neck, but otherwise better shot with luge.
The last full-on SB party was the one I hosted back in ‘07. Bearistocrats Vs. Humps. That did not end well. I probably shouldn’t have consumed half of one of those Costco bottles of Jack Daniels and sent many drunk texts during the second half. In fact, Prince was pretty much the last thing I remember from that game.
Related: Hester was fucking robbed.
I was there in person! The opening kickoff was awesome. The rest of the game not so much. Dolphins Stadium is so far away from everything that it took my brother and I almost three hours to get back to our hotel.
I’m making some pineapple rum. I took some pineapple cores, put them in a mason jar, will let them soak for a week and then strain it. I’ll be making some tropical cocktails with it.
Rookies
Nailed it. The usual party I used to go to was just full of degenerate gamblers and the whole day was gambling on EVERYTHING.
Excellent post!
My party-attending days are done, as I am old and suffer fools much less easily, but you seem to have gotten the characters spot on.
There’s some overlap here with Know Nothing and the Hipster, but:
I’m Just Here For the Commercials. Will prattle on about non-football things while the game is being played, then start hushing everyone when the commercial break begins because they “don’t want to miss” the ads that will be running for the next six months. If you live in a Blue State, there is a decent chance that these people also routinely decry capitalism on their social media, but they will utterly fail to perceive the irony here. The woodchipper is too good for them.
And the half time show.
This is 100% my wife and kids (both girls). Couldn’t care less about the game. Prob Couldn’t name the teams prior to kick off.
But I’ll be able to watch the game, so win for me
I usually do dishes and/or take a shit during the HT show.
These are the people that host Oscar parties.
I’ve been to maybe three SB parties and the best one occurred during my bartending days-we had a 3-on-3 road hockey tournament beforehand (a pedo scandal had just came to light so our team name was “The Opportunistic Predators”) and then of course drank ourselves silly.
The last Owl party I attended was for the Saints/Humps game, which as you all – as people who LIKE sports – recall was a fantastic game. I was the only person who watched the whole thing, or even like more than 25% of it.
Fuck that shit.
I watched each and every Donks (WOO!! intermittent at best) Owl at home, alone except family. I probably would have murdered someone otherwise.
Gumby and I watched the Super Bowl at the enlisted man’s club at NSB Bangor the year that the Redacteds played the Donks. Yes, I am that old. Everyone in there was rooting for Denver except us, only because we are obnoxious contrarians. We took a ton of shit, and then…the worm turned. It was mad fun!
That was the Elway loss that hurt the most, because I really believed we would win. Plus, living in North Cakalaky (and seeing almost every boring Redacteds game get televised), I absolutely HATED WAS.
When I was in Chicago I mostly went to my corner bar for the SB. Best shirt I saw was a big guy who had written “I hate the packers” on a white t-shit with black sharpie. It may have said “rodgers sucks” on the back, so dude was ahead of his time
Aside from calling out Borisnow without using his name, I only have this one nit on this wonderful post.
Feet first is the correct answer as they can feel the pain and suffering while the lower half of their body is shredded. Head first and they’re dead right away and avoid suffering.