Kicking Cousins: Tuesday Night Open Thread

Oh thank God. I thought that interminable NFL season would never finish.

Did it have amazingly high levels of play? Yes.

Did it have on of the most engaging and exciting post-seasons in recent memory. It did.

And did it feature heroes, villians, betrayal and a stupid new name for the Redacteds? You know it did.

But really, the siren song of Football just distracts us from the REAL Beautiful Game: Speed Crochet!

This is Jayna Grassel, the Larry Bird of fast crochet. LOOK AT THIS SHIT!

Next time you hear Cris Collinsworth fawn over some receiver’s talented hands, remember this chick. Remember her and weep.

NFL News: As you might expect, not a lot going on just now- mostly Rank Speculation.

*A day after posting a picture of his receivers giving him the Missing Man formation, Q-aron Rodgers went on Barstooge Pat McAfee’s show and denied that it had any significance. He says he hasn’t made any decisions on whether to stay or go. He also noted that the post “came at the end of a 12-day cleanse called Panchakarma, during which he spent time in a reflective state.” On an entirely unrelated note, he is apparently still with brainslug Shailene Woodley despite no longer being engaged, or maybe they are. Many speculate that he’s trying to one-up Brett Favre in the Will-He-Won’t-He Retirement Contest. If so, expect a story about him sending tiny grey-dick text messages to at least three women. Possibly including Kamala Harris and/or The Queen.

*Similarly, Carolina has allegedly reached out to the Vikings about noted Plexiglas enthusiast and Christ-botherer Kirk “Kurt” Cousins.  Cousins is guaranteed $45 fucking million this year, the last year of his incredibly onerous contract. 45. Think of the size of the needle and camel he’s gonna need to buy to get into Heaven. My understanding is that through the dark arcana of cap majiks, he would only count a little over $10 million in dead money if traded. Despite this obvious golden opportunity to rid himself of his predecessor’s greatest mistake, new GM Kwesi Adofo-Mensah is apparently playing it Cool. Frankly, if it didn’t require stapling draft picks to his ass on the way out the door (aka “The Brock Lobster”), I would call this a bad sign for the Twin Cities, as they obviously have a Mad King on their hands.

*Apparently 150+ prospects were planning to boycott the Combine over the NFL’s “bubble” policies, until the NFL caved.  This is what they concede on? Fuck everyone involved.

*”Commanders” name remains rampantly unpopular among the Redacteds fanbase. This is not news. I’m just enjoying a situation where everyone sucks and is unhappy. Also:

NON-NFL NEWS:

*Um, just gonna ignore all the Real News. If we get through without a nuclear exchange, I am calling it a win.

*Juwan Howard got suspended for like 3 weeks for punching a Wisconsin assistant. Lost in the Fire Him/Who Cares noise is this: I would pay real money to watch college basketball coaches fight. Boxing, MMA, Bloodsport- whatever. It would be more entertaining and way less exploitative than the so-called sport they coach. Just imagine a Coach K versus Tom Izzo cage match.

Picture it. I’ll wait.