You gots gots to git it!

(also Happy Alcoholism Evening, if y’all happen to be Irish and not yet passed out)

12W New Mexico State (+6.5) v. 5W UConn (6:50, TNT)

This is where we hope the Fightin’ Horatios make their name sake happy drink instead of angry drink.  Either way, there will be lots of drink and no pants.  Hope he and the Mrs. have scheduled an off-day for tomorrow.  NM State’s mascot chyron is like a disembodied head atop a tornado.  Pretty fucked up.

15E St. Peters (+18) v. 2E Kenfucky (7:10, CBS)

Just utter filth.  The MAAC champs not only have “Peter” in their name, but also “Pee” and “Cock.”  Fortunately, they will be transferred to another parish post haste.

12E Indiana (+2) v. 5E St. Mary’s (7:20, TBS)

The mostly competent Hoosiers play the Little Train That Could Beat Gonzaga.  I was hoping for a larger spread here (PHRASING).

9MW Creighton (+2) v. 8MW San Diego State (7:27, truTV)

Naturally, along with the compressed tip times (BOO), they also give the best game of the window to truTV.  Both these teams are kind of interesting, but this might be played at a very slow pace.  That’s ok, I can appreciate good physical play.  Stomp, stomp, CLAP!

13W Vermont (+5) v. 4W Arkansas (9:20, TNT)

This could also be a barnburner, and will be an interesting clash of styles fo sho.  Caveat emptor – I may be overrating all the SEC, Paaawwwwwlllll squadrons, and they lay a B1G 2021-calibre turd.  Oopsie doodle.

10E San Francisco (+1) v. 7E Murray State (9:40, CBS)

Perhaps my favoUrite matchup of the whole damned first round.  The Dons were actually a powerhouse in the decades before my birth.  So, like, a faint glimmer of hope for NC State in the decades after I die?  Either squadron is gonna make Sabado very itchy for the Blue Moons of Kenfucky.

I will 100% fight yeeeewwww over the musical virtues of Arctic Monkeys.

13E Akron (+13.5) v. 4E UCLA (9:50, TBS)

Aren’t the Zips the JV side that LeBron occasionally pimps for?  Anyway, fuck that fuckhead in all the fuckholes.  And Akron has as much chance of beating the Bruins as they had to get LeBron in a Zips uniform.

16MW Texas Southern (+21.5) v. 1MW Kansas (9:57, truTV)

Look, I am an ardent completionist.  But staying up for the conclusion of this shitburger is like getting all the way to the end of Dexter.  SHAME is your only reward.