Welcome to Hippo’s Nightmare Live Blogging

As you may have heard, Everton are in a scrap for their very survival.  Our heart, soul, and pride have already been rendered like so much hog fat.  There is but one thing left, surviving the death blow.

No matches look larger than “crucial relegation six-pointer” away to Burnley.  Most Bitter Blues realize that we are in neck deep in the shit if we lose.  FUCK THAT NOISE, in my view, we really have to win all three points.  Otherwise, be at the mercy of the increasingly cruel fates.

I will add my instant reactions as the match progresses (with time stamps) in the body of the post.  I used to regularly live blog NC State fixtures this way, as quaint as it seems with modern interbwebs technology.  But fuck it, I’mma give it a try.  If nothing else, it will keep me off the Everton/NSNO message boards.

Opening Lineup Thoughts

Silver lining of all silver linings – Michael Keane’s brain-dead sending off at the weekend means he can’t play tonight.  Not that anyone feels great about the alternatives, but fuck’s sake give us someone else.  And that someone else?  YES!  Youngster and Pretend Everton mainstay Jarrad Branthwaite.  He’s a natural left-footer, and will be hungry as fuck.  Mason Holgate (unless it’s 5 at the back) stays in the DM role.  It’s something of a hybrid 4-3-3/4-1-4-1, the latter also being a mainstay of ELITE Pretend Manager Bernard Gilkey.  Anthony Gordon also replaces Demarai Gray from the weekend, also a very pleasing change.

This might not exactly be a GOOD XI, but it’s very much the best we can do.

GENERAL UPDATE – ETH (Erik ten Hag) to Men Untied.  Will someone PLEASE page Wakey??

First Half

2′ – Wind is going to be a major, major issue.  But Burnley are the long-ball merchants, don’t assume this is to their benefit (unless they just want nil-nil).

7′ – Ugh, we are just so very shit.

11′ – DCL is frustrated, going to go in the book soon (it seems).

12′ – Off a set piece AGAIN, and Everton are going down.

13′ – That absolutely WAS discussed by Evertonians pre-match – who’s this Collins, never heard of him?  Nailed on to score, then.

16′ – Mike Dean awards EVERTON a penalty???  Never in a billion years did I expect that.  WATCH US MISS.

18′ – Richy proves me wrong, despite the run up making me piss myself.

21′ – Key defensive headers by Holgate.  He’s right up for this.

25′ – Explain to me how THAT isn’t penno #2.

27′ – Spot-on asshattery from Team White Lives Matter crowd – boo the Ramadan nutrition break for the Duke of Merseyside.

30′ – Maybe the younger lineup is better able to keep a clean mind – they didn’t shit themselves after the wretched start.

34′ – Maybe Ben Godfrey’s best match of the season (so far).

40′ – Here’s the test of just how bent Mike Dean is.  CLEAR pen.

42′ – Richarlison 2.0!

44′ – Fair catch, Jordan Pickford.

HT – And….big exhale.  WLM 1 – Everton 2.  Still dire, but fighting like scalded dogs.

Second Half

46′ – OK, fuckadoos.  Ain’t won fuck-shit yet.  FInish.  The.  JERB.

49′ – Hippo and Other Hippo have shat enough bricks to build 3 or 4 chimneys.  And FORTY PLUS minutes to go.

53′ – Reminder to Evertonians everywhere – if Richy was a better finisher (PHRASING!), he’d already be at PSG.

56′ – Is it to soon to make an I can’t breathe reference??

57′ – Fuck me, we are going down again.  2-2

59′ – Life sucks, the world sucks, I suck, it all fucking sucks.

62′ – Bicycle kick on target somehow, but Pope stops it.  Dagger.

66′ – Hippo, he gon’ die.

72′ – Godfrey bossing things.  But the final touch is not there, as it never ever is.  Everton, that.

76′ – How shit is Dele, that he can’t even get on the pitch for 15 minutes here?

79′ – Captain Pickford saves the point.  For now.

84′ – Can’t fault Dom’s work rate here.  But nobody looks up to that final bit of quality.  It will be a grock-y Burnley winner, or end 2-all.

85′ – WHAT THE FUCK DID HIPPO JUST SAY?

Full Time (Oh Dear GOD, What Next??)

It’s all over but the shouting.  Everton will go down, EFL accounting rules will mean we implode, likely into administration.  Absolute shambles.

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King Hippo
Reclusive, vulgar Broncos fan. Also a proud fookin' Evertonian. Likely dropped on my head repeatedly as a small child. [Insert George Carlin quote followed by thoughtful nod.]
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Brick Meathook

I just started my 18 hour prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow.

comment image

Last edited 2 years ago by Brick Meathook
Redshirt

If we’re doing Sports Nightmares, I’m okay with doing Bengals playing losses. The end of the 2nd Steelers game makes Hippo’s nightmare look like Homer’s dreaming about The Land of Chocolate.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e3NoAq5hIZ4

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
SonOfSpam

Their most recent playoff loss was enjoyab-

(gets hit with chili-spaghetti thrown at high speed from Ohio)

Redshirt

They fought to the end. You gotta give ‘em credit for that.

747FDAFE-8515-48D5-B372-205FC760EE65.jpeg
Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
SonOfSpam

You’re invisible now you’ve got no secrets to conceeeeeeeeeeeal

Gumbygirl

How does it feel?

litre_cola

Mitrooooooooooo Mighty Whitey is going to win the league!!!!

litre_cola

C’ship is a good time, trust me.

Senor Weaselo

Story time?

yeah right

I can vouch for this. It ain’t so bad apart from never having an option to watch on TV.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’ve always thought watching a man descend into madness would be interesting.

I am not disappointed.

litre_cola

Goodness me.

Sharkbait

76′ – How shit is Dele, that he can’t even get on the pitch for 15 minutes here?

This is why Spurs dumped him

rockingdog

Woof
Goalkeeper mendi gives up an easy goal for Benzima 😬

Now 3-1 RMadrid
Chelsea not Rocking

rockingdog

Also the crowd at Stanford bridge is Rockingggg

Don T

OH MY GAWD! What an angle. Villarreal 2 : 0 Bayern

Fun fact! Villarreal is 7th in La Liga. For them to play in Europe next season would require winning the Shempiens.

Don T

beh. 1:0

rockingdog

Bow wow 💯
Havertz with the Rocking header for goal
Chelsea score!

Last edited 2 years ago by rockingdog
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Has anyone ever met a notary who was married? I’m convinced none of them are.

WCS
Don T

Villarreal stunning Bayern 1:0 so far.
And it was a cracker of a pong-style setup for goal.

rockingdog

Sheeeesh 😧
Benzima with another header
RMadrid now up 2-0

Chelsea is not Rocking

rockingdog

Yup
Benzima with the legit header for goal

litre_cola

Nodded off to to either a cold or the Rona and teh Hippo haz happy?

rockingdog

Found a funny;

ME: so are we gonna bone or what

ARCHAEOLOGIST [already digging]: stop calling it that

rockingdog

Pulisic gets the start! That’s Rockingggg

Honestly not feeling good about this game. Gotta figure RMadrid wants revenge….
Hope this game is Rocking

Goooo Chelsea!

Sharkbait

This constant refreshing is making me long for the days of the yellow bar on KSK

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

By which I mean…

comment image

Sharkbait

HEY! They’re back!

Sharkbait

Oh that would be interesting.

Senor Weaselo

It can’t have any damn vegetables.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

If it’s a Flanders cocktail it should include blackberry schnapps.

/on second thought, that cocktail should be called a “boring old biddy”.

Last edited 2 years ago by Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Horatio Cornblower

There’s already a Shirley Temple.