As you may have heard, Everton are in a scrap for their very survival. Our heart, soul, and pride have already been rendered like so much hog fat. There is but one thing left, surviving the death blow.
No matches look larger than “crucial relegation six-pointer” away to Burnley. Most Bitter Blues realize that we are in neck deep in the shit if we lose. FUCK THAT NOISE, in my view, we really have to win all three points. Otherwise, be at the mercy of the increasingly cruel fates.
I will add my instant reactions as the match progresses (with time stamps) in the body of the post. I used to regularly live blog NC State fixtures this way, as quaint as it seems with modern interbwebs technology. But fuck it, I’mma give it a try. If nothing else, it will keep me off the Everton/NSNO message boards.
Opening Lineup Thoughts
Silver lining of all silver linings – Michael Keane’s brain-dead sending off at the weekend means he can’t play tonight. Not that anyone feels great about the alternatives, but fuck’s sake give us someone else. And that someone else? YES! Youngster and Pretend Everton mainstay Jarrad Branthwaite. He’s a natural left-footer, and will be hungry as fuck. Mason Holgate (unless it’s 5 at the back) stays in the DM role. It’s something of a hybrid 4-3-3/4-1-4-1, the latter also being a mainstay of ELITE Pretend Manager Bernard Gilkey. Anthony Gordon also replaces Demarai Gray from the weekend, also a very pleasing change.
This might not exactly be a GOOD XI, but it’s very much the best we can do.
GENERAL UPDATE – ETH (Erik ten Hag) to Men Untied. Will someone PLEASE page Wakey??
First Half
2′ – Wind is going to be a major, major issue. But Burnley are the long-ball merchants, don’t assume this is to their benefit (unless they just want nil-nil).
7′ – Ugh, we are just so very shit.
11′ – DCL is frustrated, going to go in the book soon (it seems).
12′ – Off a set piece AGAIN, and Everton are going down.
13′ – That absolutely WAS discussed by Evertonians pre-match – who’s this Collins, never heard of him? Nailed on to score, then.
16′ – Mike Dean awards EVERTON a penalty??? Never in a billion years did I expect that. WATCH US MISS.
18′ – Richy proves me wrong, despite the run up making me piss myself.
21′ – Key defensive headers by Holgate. He’s right up for this.
25′ – Explain to me how THAT isn’t penno #2.
27′ – Spot-on asshattery from Team White Lives Matter crowd – boo the Ramadan nutrition break for the Duke of Merseyside.
30′ – Maybe the younger lineup is better able to keep a clean mind – they didn’t shit themselves after the wretched start.
34′ – Maybe Ben Godfrey’s best match of the season (so far).
40′ – Here’s the test of just how bent Mike Dean is. CLEAR pen.
42′ – Richarlison 2.0!
44′ – Fair catch, Jordan Pickford.
HT – And….big exhale. WLM 1 – Everton 2. Still dire, but fighting like scalded dogs.
Second Half
46′ – OK, fuckadoos. Ain’t won fuck-shit yet. FInish. The. JERB.
49′ – Hippo and Other Hippo have shat enough bricks to build 3 or 4 chimneys. And FORTY PLUS minutes to go.
53′ – Reminder to Evertonians everywhere – if Richy was a better finisher (PHRASING!), he’d already be at PSG.
56′ – Is it to soon to make an I can’t breathe reference??
57′ – Fuck me, we are going down again. 2-2
59′ – Life sucks, the world sucks, I suck, it all fucking sucks.
62′ – Bicycle kick on target somehow, but Pope stops it. Dagger.
66′ – Hippo, he gon’ die.
72′ – Godfrey bossing things. But the final touch is not there, as it never ever is. Everton, that.
76′ – How shit is Dele, that he can’t even get on the pitch for 15 minutes here?
79′ – Captain Pickford saves the point. For now.
84′ – Can’t fault Dom’s work rate here. But nobody looks up to that final bit of quality. It will be a grock-y Burnley winner, or end 2-all.
85′ – WHAT THE FUCK DID HIPPO JUST SAY?
Full Time (Oh Dear GOD, What Next??)
It’s all over but the shouting. Everton will go down, EFL accounting rules will mean we implode, likely into administration. Absolute shambles.
I just started my 18 hour prep for a colonoscopy tomorrow.
If we’re doing Sports Nightmares, I’m okay with doing Bengals playing losses. The end of the 2nd Steelers game makes Hippo’s nightmare look like Homer’s dreaming about The Land of Chocolate.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e3NoAq5hIZ4
Their most recent playoff loss was enjoyab-
(gets hit with chili-spaghetti thrown at high speed from Ohio)
They fought to the end. You gotta give ‘em credit for that.
One positive thought before going offline for the day – when you’re down to nothing, at least you’ve nothing left to lose.
You’re invisible now you’ve got no secrets to conceeeeeeeeeeeal
How does it feel?
You know how much I hate myself because I watched to the bitter end.
Mitrooooooooooo Mighty Whitey is going to win the league!!!!
Hello, comments section. Doctor has called it. Time of Death – 16:18 Hippo Standard Time. Everton is no more, ded club walking.
We can’t say it’s undeserved. But fuck, does it hurt.
C’ship is a good time, trust me.
Not when your finances are like ours. Fucked and then some. Good night Springton, there will be no encore.
Story time?
I can vouch for this. It ain’t so bad apart from never having an option to watch on TV.
I’ve always thought watching a man descend into madness would be interesting.
I am not disappointed.
Can’t recall if we play Saturday or Sunday. If Saturday, you may get a second chapter. Won’t do a Sunday.
But it doesn’t matter now. All over.
Goodness me.
76′ – How shit is Dele, that he can’t even get on the pitch for 15 minutes here?
This is why Spurs dumped him
Woof
Goalkeeper mendi gives up an easy goal for Benzima 😬
Now 3-1 RMadrid
Chelsea not Rocking
Also the crowd at Stanford bridge is Rockingggg
OH MY GAWD! What an angle. Villarreal 2 : 0 Bayern
Fun fact! Villarreal is 7th in La Liga. For them to play in Europe next season would require winning the Shempiens.
beh. 1:0
Bow wow 💯
Havertz with the Rocking header for goal
Chelsea score!
Has anyone ever met a notary who was married? I’m convinced none of them are.
Does divorced count?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnfgRfhdpeQ
Villarreal stunning Bayern 1:0 so far.
And it was a cracker of a pong-style setup for goal.
Sheeeesh 😧
Benzima with another header
RMadrid now up 2-0
Chelsea is not Rocking
Is this the away leg of the tie?
Yup
Benzima with the legit header for goal
Nodded off to to either a cold or the Rona and teh Hippo haz happy?
MOAR LIEK extended coronary event. Fuck me, we are fighting with all we’ve got, though. Intense pace of play, so very unlike your usual Burnley (or Everton, to be fair) match.
Found a funny;
ME: so are we gonna bone or what
ARCHAEOLOGIST [already digging]: stop calling it that
Pulisic gets the start! That’s Rockingggg
Honestly not feeling good about this game. Gotta figure RMadrid wants revenge….
Hope this game is Rocking
Goooo Chelsea!
This constant refreshing is making me long for the days of the yellow bar on KSK
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nN120kCiVyQ
By which I mean…
HEY! They’re back!
GOOD HUSTLE, Rod and Todd!
/maybe Sharky can invent a drink called the R&T??
Oh that would be interesting.
It can’t have any damn vegetables.
If it’s a Flanders cocktail it should include blackberry schnapps.
/on second thought, that cocktail should be called a “boring old biddy”.
There’s already a Shirley Temple.