It’s 11:43 AM (B)EST time, so this is still the morning. Apologies for the lateness, but I forgot about this last night, then I had a compelled deposition this morning where I had to actually pay attention. I hate those. And on a Monday, no less.
I have a couple of good ideas from Señor and Scotchy, (the latter surprisingly not having to do with disposing of unwanted…leftovers), but I’m going to save them for a time I haven’t pissed away the morning with real life employment activities.
Today you are drafting the job you want, not the job you have. In an ideal world, where money doesn’t matter and you can just do what you want, what would that thing be? The only rule here is that it has to be an actual job. No matter how appealing that Spenser Gift’s iron-on is, there is no such job as “Female Baby Inspector”, at leas not that you would put on a W-2, so you can’t draft that here.
If I had my druthers, and didn’t have college educations to pay for, school loans and a mortgage, I would have skipped law school and gone on to become a forest ranger. Maybe not John Francis Smith up there, (the ranger in Yogi Bear not only has a name, he has his own Wikipedia page!), but someone who got to spend a lot of time outdoors, keeping the wilderness wild and living the life. And if an occasional poacher disappeared into a hot spring, well, there are perks and then there are perks.
With the one qualification that it has to be a real job in mind, and with noon rapidly approaching, I’m cutting this short and telling you that it’s time for you to 
Talking head. I know Chuck Todd just got “reshuffled” (should have been shot into the sun) but I could do his job eleventy billion times better than him and he never got held accountable for shit. Just as fun would be to get paid to go on all the shows and tell assholes they’re assholes.
Being a writer / performer in a comedy troupe would be a bit of jolly good fun… (well, at least until the egos kicked in)
I’d say “John Cleese’s divorce attorney”, but I don’t want to work that hard.
quite lucrative though, one would imagine….
3. The Queen’s Dog Boy. The job consists of taking care of Queen Elizabeth’s corgis. Sounds nice.
Better than being Catherine’s Horse Boy.
Independent coffee shop owner. I don’t know anything about this industry in any way but I’d just like to own an old building and have some roller derby girls sling java to whoever and that’s it, that’s the job. Get some local gay artists or whatever to put crap on the walls. Maybe carry the local neighborhood area newspaper. Put out a dog bowl.
If those bitches try to unionize though, I’d shut the whole mother down faster than you can say, “Try a free shot of espresso at our Nashua location.”
One of the former KSKers, possible DFOer, (Sep, I think), has that gig for real. I’ve ordered some stuff from his company.
And now I’m stuck on his email list, the bastard.
Comic book artist.
Worst. Draft Pick. Ever.
Bouncing off Horatio in center, ace for the Yankees.
So you know, Nestor Cortes.
Finally lost his no-hit bid with one out in the 7th, so I can finally go to the bathroom.
I’m in so much pain right now.
If only they could have scored him a goddamn run in the 5th!
Judge missed two fastballs down the middle. Not a real good sign as to how this game is likely to go.
Hell, Judge and Rizzo. It’s like having three days off fucks with things or something…
Looks like our Bill Simmons Patent Pending Double-Reverse Jinx has paid off!
“Oh sorry, wrong Nestor”
M.Gaetz, FL
Head distiller at an Islay distillery. I don’t care if it’s ceremonial and someone else is the actual master distiller, I’ll just drink all day and occasionally lead a few tours with choice words for the German tourists.
Since loopholes were introduced for specific food and beverage reviews, I’ll take Scotch Whisky reviewer .
“Union delegate”
Not a great life expectancy, though.
Fun ride while it lasts, though…
Roving surfing instructor, maybe working for an upscale hotel chain.
“After Kauai, you need me in the South of France, then New Zealand? Well, ok I guess.”
I don’t know if this has been taken, and I’m too lazy to look, but restaurant reviewer is my dream job.
I believe we’ve had food reviewer and wine and bourbon reviewer, but no one specifically said restaurants.
We do love a good loophole around here.
This is why you are my favorite, Ranger Smith. Don’t tell the others!
NFL team owner-little to no accountability, (might be changing a wee bit) belongs to an exclusive group and it’s impossible to lose money because #socialism!
Centerfielder for the NY Yankees
NHL head coach. If I suck and get fired, I still get whats owed to me, and because all the jobs get recycled, I’ll get another chance in 3-5 seasons
Pierre McGuire’s job in Ottawa is now available….
Someone chose color commentator but slightly different, play by play announcer for a minor league baseball team, maybe like the Potomac Nationals so I’m at least not in Iowa
Wouldn’t want the hassles that would come with being King. I think I’d be just fine with being a member of the landed gentry though.
For my next pick, I’d like to go with automotive journalist. I could fuck heavy with being paid to travel around the country and drive cool cars on road, track, desert, forest, etc.
Hi Captain Slow
President of the United States. You can do and say whatever you want without recourse. And you don’t even have to work if you don’t want. Trump golfed every other day and Calvin Coolidge slept 11 hours a night. Free place to live, transportation, personal chef, etc. Not a bad gig.
Did someone choose King yet? If not, I’ll take that burden.
King of what? Good gig in some cases, sort of awful in others.
Got to assume King of Pain.
You’ll always be the King of Pain.
That shade of yellow is rather painful….
King of a Monarchy. Absolute preferably but I can live with Constitutional.
“It’s good.” — Tom Petty
DJ, and if we need to be picky, a successful EDM one, cause, like touring and music.
and also girls hopped up on molly and ecstasy but sure the music
VH-1 ‘Behind The Music’ episodes always had one sequence where the band claimed ‘it was always about the music’ while absolutely drowning in pussy and heroin.
Gonzo journalist. It’s a tough job, but someone’s got to do it..
Oddly specific subject matter.
Keep fucking that chicken!
There will be no Gonzo slander in this draft. His love for
/revision/latest?cb=20131121232756 is pure!
An Astronaut. As a kid in the ’60’s they were my heroes. It broke my dreams when I found out that those guys had to be good at math. Then as I got into middle school my eyesight while not super awful, would keep me from ever piloting any aircraft. So I lived with the dream unrealized. A few years ago however after a trip to Huntsville and the rocket museum there I picked up some official NASA pocket books on the programs. Comes to find out, the first several Astronaut selection groups had a restriction of being no taller than 5’10”. I am 6’1″… So I now tell people, yeah, I was gonna be an astronaut… but I’m too tall.
Very surprised astronaut lasted this long.
As a side note, cosmonaut is still on the board, because for that job you have to be comfortable working for an agency that really doesn’t give a shit if you make it back.
In another life without kids and a wife, I think being the owner of a shady but high-class strip joint would be nice. And dangerous. And probably kind of gross. This is the equivalent of picking Greg Hardy, isn’t it? Oh well, in both cases there would likely be a futon full of guns involved.
That’s a lot of words to say ‘pimp’
So you basically want to be Silvio Dante… (although, I dunno if his futon was full of guns)
This is a great topic.
I’ll take Supreme Court Justice because a) it actually was a dream of mine as a kid and b) fuck 5 of those fucks who need to be replaced asafp
That’s a good pick (assuming in this hypothetical you’ve already got the job and don’t have to go through the confirmation process).
Stole my pick!
Yeah keep Roberts. He’s a Republican but at least he believes in consensus and gradual change.
Incorrect
Yeah, the clerks do all the work, your debts get paid off by the Kochs, and no one ever will know if you wear pants under that robe. I see no problems.
Keeper of the Stanley Cup
I will pay you a considerable amount of money to stage a hijacking so that I can hold the Cup hostage until the Whalers are rightfully returned to Hartford.
I’m in!
Also, while we’re returning things, can we return Tony Deangelo?
I don’t follow hockey anywhere near as closely as I did when the Whalers were local, so I only just realized who and what he is and holy shit, I have never been on Brad Marchand’s side before but I was on that.
Christ, what an asshole.
Don’t pay him the money up front. You’re hiring a man whose criminal plots were routinely foiled by a squirrel and a brain-damaged moose.
I’m going to have a bear stash the Cup in a pick-a-nick basket.
I see no way this can fail.
Rocky is an exceptionally smrt squirrel though!
I don’t know, isn’t that kind of like being a permanent designated driver?
so you want to work in the Hockey Hall of Fame.
US Attorney General.
I have scores to settle.
2. Color commentator. Get paid exorbitant amounts of money to spout my idiotic opinion about things that happen on the field? Yes please.
Archaeologist.
It would be so cool to travel the world, dig up ancient civilizations, and then loot everything you find and stick it in the back rooms of a museum in New Haven, CT!
Ok, Hobby Lobby.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hiram_Bingham_III
I was thinking more this guy and the Peabody Museum, but tomato, tomahto
I believe it also involves hooking up with Karen Allen?
I would never move on Boone’s girl
I always thought it would be fun to write about food, give recipes, tell dick jokes and swear copiously and GET PAID FOR IT.
One can dream.
You were so close to getting Blair Witched there. Way to stick the landing.
Willy Wonka, or if that pick gets DQ’d, candy taster.
Willy Wonka isn’t real, much as we might wish to the contrary, so candy taster it is.
/waits patiently for Balls to make a case for Candy Striper Inspector
Commercial jet pilot. Cause who doesn’t want to get paid to travel the world
That one German pilot, apparently
Damn.
That was an impressively deep cut!
Private jet pilot, for some super rich guy. I know someone who does that, he makes bank, for relatively little work.
Michael Jackson (no, not that one) toured the world tasting, writing about, and telling others about beer. He called himself “The Beer Hunter” so I suppose that is the job title I would want as well…
“Michael Jackson, whose death in 2007 is still mourned today, was the best known beer writer the world has known. This site remains not simply as a tribute to his work, but as an archive we hope will serve each new generation of beer drinkers. Thus we let him introduce himself just as he first did here in 1998 and many other times to many other audiences:
“Hello, my name is Michael Jackson. No, not that Michael Jackson, but I am on a world tour. My tour is in pursuit of exceptional beer. That’s why they call me the Beer Hunter.
“I’ve learned a lot since my World Guide to Beer was published in 1977 and since public television first aired the Beer Hunter series. I’m here to share some of that knowledge with you, to tell you stories about breweries, to teach you about tasting beer and to help you understand what it means to be part of a beer culture.” http://beerhunter.com/
1. What are those wine guys called? Sommeliers, that’s right.
/Litre fumes
should this be saved for Litre?
I believe he’s actually qualified in real life, so no.
With her first pick, Lena Dunham has selected Female Baby Inspect…oh. Never mind.
Meteorologist.
Seriously, weather has always been a major interest of mine. The problem is I math no good, and there’s a disturbing amount of it needed.
finish carpenter
Cause who doesn’t like working with wood
Wait does that mean you live in Finland or are just from there? Not sure I see how it matters either way.
the finish guys do all the trim ( ha) and cabinets and chairs and like furniture stuff. Rough carpentry does all the framing stuff
I also wanna do all the trim.
The guy that drives the Google Street View Camera Car. Just imagine all the scenery they get to see.
Inner City Baltimore!
No one has picked porn star yet?
Because porn star.
It was a courtesy. I’d have disallowed that pick until you made it.
Using the same logic, no one can pick “Surgeon Specializing In The Female Shoulder” until Hippo gets here.
I think he’d rather be a shoulder massage guy for really hot chicks.
Much appreciated!
[monkey’s paw curls]
https://variety.com/2021/film/news/ron-jeremy-indicted-sexual-assault-1235049237/
Professional golfer
Let’s face it; John Daly is living all of our dreams.
Maybe not the five marriages part though. You can just date, John, it’s OK.
Good news, folks, ‘Gynecologist to the Poor and Downtrodden’ is still on the board!
Is Caitlyn Jenner a star?
She wasn’t a star back before she was…uh…an misplaced, inaccurate gender?
Bourbon reviewer/taster.
I said “job” sir; not something you’re already doing anyway and just not getting paid for it.
Related, (the pick stands, by the way; I’m just jealous), but if you haven’t seen the chapter on the Pappy Van Winkle thefts in the Netflix series ‘Heist’, you should.
Fascinating stuff.
Foley artist.
They do all the sounds in TV and movies. Not sure why, but it’s always interested me
Ahh. A folly artist. For a second, my mind went in a totally direction…
Clip board holding back up quarterback. But I had that one year where I did great mop up detail and I’m paid exorbitantly.
I thought of that. Six figures to hold a clipboard and say encouraging things to the 1st-string guy.
My hesitation is, on the odd chance I got into a game, I’d be turned to into paste in about two seconds.
AKA The Charlie Whitehurst corollary.
Wait a sec…. “Female Baby Inspector”??
Uh, who let Matt Gaetz in?
Jesus Christ. Fucking autocorrect.
Someone take ‘editing Horatio’s Mock Drafts’, because I’m clearly not gonna do it.
“Not me.”
-M Cawthorn, orgy prude
Full-time session musician. I just want to play all damn day and have the freedom to write, arrange and collaborate with other players as much as possible.
It’s been done.
I LOVE this documentary, for the record.
Food critic, 6 months in France, 6 months in Italy.
Most of my critiques would be variations of “Holy fuck that was good!”
Some sort of traveling author. I’d just like to travel and see the world on someone else’s dime.
OK, so rather then Blair Witch you, I’m going to have you take ‘Travel Author’, a la Rick Steves, (excellent pick), while Blax has taken ‘Author of Irredeemable Trash That Nonetheless Makes Him Rich Beyond Measure’, (We’ll call it Popular Young Adult Fiction, for short), rather than just have ‘author’ taken off the board for everyone.
So, yeah. New rule. If a field can encompass fields within itself, you draft the specific job you want from that multiverse, while the field itself remains there, containing it’s remaining multitudes, any one of which can still be drafted.
For the record, I think young adult writing plays an important roll at a time when tik tok dances are pretty much the future of American manufacturing. You can criticize the taste of their biologically-limited brains but, hey, that’s the market.
Now the grown adults who have brains with the same taste? I believe that lack of mental development was one referred to as retardation.
Fair.
I’d be an author. But, like you said, receiving compensation for a job is currently a necessity of mine.
I still got dreams of penning blaxito’s generation Twilight before he’s, what, ten or eleven I guess?
MLB Bullpen Catcher. Doesn’t take much brains and I get to see the country and other parts of the world.
You sir, have taken my second pick, and I hate you.
that’s a little strong
It’s an excellent pick.
Oh I thought there had to be some practical realization of the career — I always thought pro 1st base coach was a dream job. Get a uniform number, travel with the team, get a ring if they win — and all I gotta do is collect batting gloves and tell guys to take two on a shot to the gap that they have hit a hundred times before? Sign it up.
It does not have to be practical at all. AT. ALL. Beefreefer gets it.
You do, however, have to wait 10 picks or 30 minutes, so 1st base coach is still on the board.
/ominous music plays
FOR NOW!