Monday Morning Mock Draft

Morning folks. I’m a bit stumped for a topic this morning, and I’m dealing with having to write an appellate brief as well.

I am not an appellate attorney.

When in doubt, I dip into the Suggestion Box and pick a topic from one of you fine Kommentists. Today’s topic comes from the fertile, and at the time “drunker than hell” mind of Scotchnaut. Drunk or not it’s a good one, and I’m happy to use it. I probably should have given him the first pick, but last night I had my nose buried in the Connecticut Practice Book’s appeals section, looking for answers to such questions as how many pages does the appeal have to be, what margins am I allowed to use, and where is the Appellate Court anyway. Seriously, they moved it since the last time I was there, and they did not tell me where.

That said, to the topic! Today you are drafting people you wished lived five more years. Five may seem strange, but looking at the people Scotchy suggested you’d be looking for people who’s lives were unfairly cut short. My first pick, for instance, is Lou Gehrig, who’s life was cruelly and ironically cut short by Lou Gehrig’s disease. What are the odds? With five more years The Iron Horse would have pushed his consecutive games streak to a level Cal Ripken would never have broken, no matter how long his Daddy managed the team.

Rules? There are none. You can draft anyone you wished had five more years in them. If you want your Mee-Maw back, go ahead and take her, but maybe read Stephen King’s short story ‘Gramma’ first.

Oh, and one more thing: The choice for commissioner can really only come down to one person:

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Brick Meathook

Norm Macdonald

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Last edited 2 years ago by Brick Meathook
Game Time Decision

Gord Downie from the Hip. Such an amazing artist and was years ahead in the recognition of the issues with the Indigenous and it would have been good to see what he could have done with it with more time

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

3. John Candy

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[angrily crosses off “5 more years of candy” from his board] – Coach Reid

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How about Chadwick Boseman? He really showed his range in 42, would have been cool to see a few more years of his prime.

Redshirt

I thought about it but he was in pain the last years of his short life. I’d hate to extend it.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I mean, it’s not like my Nicole Brown Simpson pick means she still got violently murdered five years later, does it? DOES IT!?

Fronkenshteen

Andy Kaufman

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Redshirt

Kaufman was born 20-30 years too early.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I thought about picking him but don’t think an extra five years would have made a difference…

scotchnaut

I’ll do Keith Haring-I loved his artwork (which might seem silly now, but only because it became so ubiquitous) and he was doing amazing things in his community.

Gumbygirl

Everybody who died of Aids, except Roy Cohn. Nobody should die because they like to bang.

Redshirt

“Nobody should die because they like to bang.”

I keep saying Conservatives would have a lot more supporters if they used that as their anti-abortion battle cry instead of “Incubators don’t talk.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

But then they’d have to believe women are people and not objects a la Jackie Treehorn

Redshirt

Antonin Scalia, because it would’ve given Trump one less pick, Biden would’ve picked his successor and say what you want about his political views, but you have to admit this guy is more qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice than the Trump Three.

SonOfSpam

Heath Ledger. if only to keep Jared Leto at bay.

Also maybe another alt-cowboy movie.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

He was on my board with a third round grade.

King Hippo

Jesus, because the Bible should be even longer, obvs.

Redshirt

Jesus: “You sure you want to cut the 67th book?”
God: “Why not? It’s fairly obvious stuff. A child isn’t a child until they are born. You should only have enough weapons for defense and not offense. Love the sinner, hate the sin. When in doubt, let Me figure it out.”

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
LemonJello

“And for the love of me, knock off the genocide and leaving it to me to ‘sort em out’! Dicks.”

Redshirt

This world would be closer to Heaven had that been the last verse of the Bible.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

2Pack inspired me to take another pick that can actually help the world, I’ll take Fred Hampton. Who knows if he would have succeeded, but he really was an incredible leader committed to racial justice.

SonOfSpam

Robert F (F stands for this guy Fucks) Kennedy; no Nixon, dotted line to no Trump.

SonOfSpam

Saw him mentioned on the MLK pick, didn’t see anyone actually pick him.

SonOfSpam

Oh wait, Redshirt picked him.

Ok I’m an asshole.

Redshirt

But you’re my kind of asshole!

Fronkenshteen

Doug Kenney

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Fronkenshteen

I read somewhere that John Candy once spent an entire party walking around with Chevy in a headlock. I love the mental image I have of that.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I drove past the Stonewall Jackson death site last night but didn’t stop. I had already gone to the bathroom a few miles before that.

Redshirt

True story: I got sick while on a road trip and I had to find someplace to throw away the vomit mess. I saw a Confederate memorial 20 miles away. I cowboy’d up and drove with a fever to pay my respects.

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
yeah right

Frank Zappa.

Not just for all of the new music but he probably would have been governor by now. Plus his anti-censorship stance was really gaining traction when he died.

Redshirt

Before anyone does the same research I did, giving Fred Trump five more years does not prevent his son from becoming president.

It was the first thing I looked up.

Gumbygirl

I thought of him too!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Vince Foster just to shut those right wing goons the fuck up for a few minutes.

Last edited 2 years ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The sad part is that five extra years really would only get you a few more minutes of peace and quiet out of those freaks.

Redshirt

Mary Kay Bergman. She was a voice actress who took her life because, due to an untreated anxiety disorder, she was afraid of losing her talent. She was supposed to sing “Blame Canada” at the Oscars in 2000. But her death prevented that.

2Pack

Dr Martin Luther King.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Way to make the rest of us look like assholes.

LemonJello

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Redshirt

Great pick. It was either MLK or RFK, but I went with Kennedy due to the increased chance for change beyond US social progress.

2Pack

Had they both lived I believe the ’70’s would have been very different.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I had my scouts take a look at him, but they said there were some serious red flags. That’s what I get for putting Jerry Richardson in charge of my scouting department, I guess.

Fronkenshteen

Cliff Burton.

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Senor Weaselo

Pick 2, for Padre Weaselo’s sake: Thurman Munson. Do the Yankees win the ‘81 Series? Who knows, but he definitely makes the Hall and properly passes the torch to Mattingly.

Fronkenshteen

Great pick. Great catcher. Great captain.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Roberto Clemente.

If you want to draft Aaron Hernandez, he’ll be hanging around at least a few more rounds.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well that’s horseshit. I protest.

Unless he’s recently sharpened his tools.

Redshirt

Thanks to the commissioner for taking time chasing after angels for answering my question. Now I can pick my true #1 pick: Owen Hart.

Hart died during a senseless, unnecessary stunt. The pro wrestling equivalent of running a double reverse flea flicker when you’re up three scores. Moreover, he was in the wrong era. He was a talented wrestler but a bad actor. He was way too technical for 1999. He was a master painter forced to use half a pack of crayons.

However a few years later, the WWF had wrestlers Owen could work with. Kurt Angle. Edge. Chris Jericho. Chris Benoit. Instead of being known as Bret’s brother who feel to his death, Owen is known as the guy who stole the show with Y2J at WrestleMania 2000. The guy who had an amazing feud with Angle for the WWF Championship.

Also, since the revised cause of death is unknown (say a car crash), his family doesn’t have to see their husband/father fall to his death, he gets to the Hall of Fame to be celebrated.

Finally, he gets five more years with his family.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Part of me wants to take Roy Cohn just to see him suffer through five more years of AIDS symptoms.

WCS

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WCS

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Gumbygirl

He is like Moosemas, only extremely specific.

WCS

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Redshirt

I was going to pick Reagan so he could’ve used his influence to keep the Republicans from going further far right, but then I remembered he was suffering from Alzheimer’s so five more years would’ve been five more years of Hell being trapped in his body.

Some people here would be okay with that, but not me.

2Pack

Marilyn Monroe in the 2nd round

ballsofsteelandfury

Value pick.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

2Pack has a type

2Pack

Yeah Buddy. I love me a sexy train wreck.

LemonJello

sexy train wreck

I think this is both a Balls Search Term and the Brick signal.

TheRevanchist

Supersized combo meals. Man, I miss them.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[hires TheRevanchist as assistant GM] – Andy Reid

Fronkenshteen

D. Boon

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Fronkenshteen

I feel the same way.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

2. And this really should have been my #1 pick, arguably #1 overall: Phil Fucking Hartman.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh good call

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Unrelated, our Blake Bortles alliteration tricks around here are more impressive than this subhead, but the headline is very DFO

https://www.livescience.com/carnivorous-penis-pitcher-plant-picked

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m in full on procrastination mode, and 30 minutes have passed so here’s my third pick:

George Stanley Halas, aka Papa Bear. Hopefully he convinces his daughter to divorce her idiot husband or at least not let his family run/ruin the team, but at a minimum, he’d get to see the Bears win in ’85 (slash January of 86).

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Last edited 2 years ago by BrettFavresColonoscopy
Redshirt

RFK. If Bobby’s not assassinated in ‘68, he may take the nomination away from Humphrey and have a better chance against Nixon. A Kennedy win unlocks multiple possibilities. A different Vietnam exit. No Watergate. No Ford presidency. No Carter presidency. USA goes into 1970s with less unease.

TheRevanchist

Jokic after that murder dunk from last night from Wiggins.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Oh we all look alike to you, huh?” – Luka Doncic

TheRevanchist

They do

Redshirt

Shit. Y’all stole all the good picks!

Question for the commissioner: Will they die the exact same way five years later or just die differently?

Last edited 2 years ago by Redshirt
BrettFavresColonoscopy

Nicole Brown Simpson

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Oh do I need a reason? OJ probably fades to oblivion or just reprises his shitty acting appearances and more importantly THE KARDASHIANS NEVER BECOME A THING

LemonJello

I’m here trying to play Candyland and BFC is playing 3d Chess.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS GUY ME I CALL HIM DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE’S HERALDED AS GENIUS BY DUBIOUS AUTHORITIES ON THE MATTER

yeah right

John Belushi. Would have had more than a few classics before he got to the family goofball comedy, money grab part of his career.

WCS

MCA aka Adam Yauch

Even five more years would be wonderful.
On the other hand, cancer needs to go.

2Pack

Natalie Wood.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This pick floats

Senor Weaselo

Mozart. Hell, imagine he finished the Requiem? He would have been the bridge to the Romantic era, not Beethoven.

ArmedandHammered

Bradley Nowell – so he could have seen Sublime’s success and we would hopefully get more songs.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Some jerk is gonna blow a late round pick on Al Davis just to fuck with me, aren’t they?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

/scribbles notes

WCS

Realistically, you should have drafted someone who ran very fast, but couldn’t catch anything thrown within 15 feet of him/her.

Redshirt

Compared to the current guy, we may be doing you a favor.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

1. Len Bias. That’s at least two, maybe as many as four more banners for the Celtics.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Lincoln. Reconstruction may have gone differently.

Don T

John Bonham. Really would’ve enjoyed more Zep songs in the “Wearing and Tearing” vein.

King Hippo

George Carlin, just so he could have ripped Donald Asslicking Trump to shreds,

Col. Duke LaCross

Nothing world-changing. But I think we never saw what this dude was really capable of. I think he’d have been an awesome dramatic actor.

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Gumbygirl

I was watching TCM’s Sunday night silent movie yesterday. They were showing some Fatty Arbuckle’s, so I looked him up because I couldn’t remember the sordid Virginia Rappe details. I found something that said Chris Farley wanted to make a biopic about Fatty. That story certainly had all the drama anyone could ask for, along with pathos, bathos, and all the other ‘thosos’. Would have made a hella good flick, and Farley would have been great in it.
Also, my pick is Fatty Arbuckle. He was just starting to get his career back after being vilified in the court of public opinion for something he didn’t do. He deserved five more years.

Game Time Decision

I’m going to not pick Hitler, so he dies 5 years earlier and hopefully WWII doesn’t happen
/misses whole point of draft
// shows self out

Game Time Decision

I’ve got friends in Poland. It’s more that I don’t know history and thought he died in 1944.

King Hippo

One COULD pick Hitler so he stands trial, and shits his pants when he hangs.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

King Hippo

You. WIN,

yeah right

Anthony Bourdain. His show was right in the sweet spot of travelogue, history, food and geopolitical commentary. Best show on television.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m going with Michael Hutchence of INXS. Does INXS have another hit album or 2? Does Michael still die the same way, just older and maybe not as wiser? Does he go David Carradine instead?

Gumbygirl

How about let Paula Yates die first, then he might have stood a chance at not dying at all? He had 99 problems, and that bitch was most of them.

ArmedandHammered

JFK – Would love to see how the US would be different after 5 more years, having JFK finish his term and maybe having another one.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s a good one. Very interesting idea.

King Hippo

possibly removes the Robert Caro LBJ book series from existence, too risky!!

King Hippo

I am still waiting. He is still alive and sentient, but my annual Googling gives NO GODDAMNED RELEASE DATE.

/I just bookmarked the Wikipedia link

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Did you learn nothing from Chinese Democracy?