Morning folks. I’m a bit stumped for a topic this morning, and I’m dealing with having to write an appellate brief as well.
I am not an appellate attorney.
When in doubt, I dip into the Suggestion Box and pick a topic from one of you fine Kommentists. Today’s topic comes from the fertile, and at the time “drunker than hell” mind of Scotchnaut. Drunk or not it’s a good one, and I’m happy to use it. I probably should have given him the first pick, but last night I had my nose buried in the Connecticut Practice Book’s appeals section, looking for answers to such questions as how many pages does the appeal have to be, what margins am I allowed to use, and where is the Appellate Court anyway. Seriously, they moved it since the last time I was there, and they did not tell me where.
That said, to the topic! Today you are drafting people you wished lived five more years. Five may seem strange, but looking at the people Scotchy suggested you’d be looking for people who’s lives were unfairly cut short. My first pick, for instance, is Lou Gehrig, who’s life was cruelly and ironically cut short by Lou Gehrig’s disease. What are the odds? With five more years The Iron Horse would have pushed his consecutive games streak to a level Cal Ripken would never have broken, no matter how long his Daddy managed the team.
Rules? There are none. You can draft anyone you wished had five more years in them. If you want your Mee-Maw back, go ahead and take her, but maybe read Stephen King’s short story ‘Gramma’ first.
Oh, and one more thing: The choice for commissioner can really only come down to one person:
Norm Macdonald
Gord Downie from the Hip. Such an amazing artist and was years ahead in the recognition of the issues with the Indigenous and it would have been good to see what he could have done with it with more time
3. John Candy
[angrily crosses off “5 more years of candy” from his board] – Coach Reid
How about Chadwick Boseman? He really showed his range in 42, would have been cool to see a few more years of his prime.
I thought about it but he was in pain the last years of his short life. I’d hate to extend it.
I mean, it’s not like my Nicole Brown Simpson pick means she still got violently murdered five years later, does it? DOES IT!?
Andy Kaufman
Kaufman was born 20-30 years too early.
I thought about picking him but don’t think an extra five years would have made a difference…
I just flat never liked him.
I’ll do Keith Haring-I loved his artwork (which might seem silly now, but only because it became so ubiquitous) and he was doing amazing things in his community.
Everybody who died of Aids, except Roy Cohn. Nobody should die because they like to bang.
“Nobody should die because they like to bang.”
I keep saying Conservatives would have a lot more supporters if they used that as their anti-abortion battle cry instead of “Incubators don’t talk.”
But then they’d have to believe women are people and not objects a la Jackie Treehorn
Antonin Scalia, because it would’ve given Trump one less pick, Biden would’ve picked his successor and say what you want about his political views, but you have to admit this guy is more qualified to be a Supreme Court Justice than the Trump Three.
Heath Ledger. if only to keep Jared Leto at bay.
Also maybe another alt-cowboy movie.
He was on my board with a third round grade.
Jesus, because the Bible should be even longer, obvs.
Jesus: “You sure you want to cut the 67th book?”
God: “Why not? It’s fairly obvious stuff. A child isn’t a child until they are born. You should only have enough weapons for defense and not offense. Love the sinner, hate the sin. When in doubt, let Me figure it out.”
“And for the love of me, knock off the genocide and leaving it to me to ‘sort em out’! Dicks.”
This world would be closer to Heaven had that been the last verse of the Bible.
2Pack inspired me to take another pick that can actually help the world, I’ll take Fred Hampton. Who knows if he would have succeeded, but he really was an incredible leader committed to racial justice.
Robert F (F stands for this guy Fucks) Kennedy; no Nixon, dotted line to no Trump.
Saw him mentioned on the MLK pick, didn’t see anyone actually pick him.
Oh wait, Redshirt picked him.
Ok I’m an asshole.
But you’re my kind of asshole!
Doug Kenney
There’s a great biopic of him, (I think it’s called ‘A Futile & Stupid Gesture’), where someone says the only thing they regret about Doug (maybe) stepping off a cliff in Hawaii was that he wasn’t holding hands with Chevy Chase when he went over.
Doug’s friends did not like Chevy Chase.
I read somewhere that John Candy once spent an entire party walking around with Chevy in a headlock. I love the mental image I have of that.
Stonewall Jackson.
Because I want him to know they lost.
I drove past the Stonewall Jackson death site last night but didn’t stop. I had already gone to the bathroom a few miles before that.
I recently read a biography of Jackson. I knew he’d been wounded by his own troops and later died of an infection, but holy crap, they shot the shit out of him. Blew off the thumb and forefinger of his right hand and shot up his left arm to the point that it was amputated at the shoulder.
Fascinating guy. Religious fanatic and probably nuts, but fascinating.
True story: I got sick while on a road trip and I had to find someplace to throw away the vomit mess. I saw a Confederate memorial 20 miles away. I cowboy’d up and drove with a fever to pay my respects.
Frank Zappa.
Not just for all of the new music but he probably would have been governor by now. Plus his anti-censorship stance was really gaining traction when he died.
Before anyone does the same research I did, giving Fred Trump five more years does not prevent his son from becoming president.
It was the first thing I looked up.
I thought of him too!
Vince Foster just to shut those right wing goons the fuck up for a few minutes.
The sad part is that five extra years really would only get you a few more minutes of peace and quiet out of those freaks.
Mary Kay Bergman. She was a voice actress who took her life because, due to an untreated anxiety disorder, she was afraid of losing her talent. She was supposed to sing “Blame Canada” at the Oscars in 2000. But her death prevented that.
Dr Martin Luther King.
Way to make the rest of us look like assholes.
Great pick. It was either MLK or RFK, but I went with Kennedy due to the increased chance for change beyond US social progress.
Had they both lived I believe the ’70’s would have been very different.
I had my scouts take a look at him, but they said there were some serious red flags. That’s what I get for putting Jerry Richardson in charge of my scouting department, I guess.
Cliff Burton.
Oh, just kick Jason Newstead in the balls, why don’t you?
Pick 2, for Padre Weaselo’s sake: Thurman Munson. Do the Yankees win the ‘81 Series? Who knows, but he definitely makes the Hall and properly passes the torch to Mattingly.
Great pick. Great catcher. Great captain.
Roberto Clemente.
If you want to draft Aaron Hernandez, he’ll be hanging around at least a few more rounds.
Pick held up pending the arrival of Scotchnaut, who specifically mentioned Roberto Clemente in his message to me suggesting this topic, and has been known to take, shall we say “extreme” measures to get his way.
But otherwise, yeah, Clemente is a great pick.
Well that’s horseshit. I protest.
Unless he’s recently sharpened his tools.
I’m really just looking out for you here.
Thanks to the commissioner for taking time chasing after angels for answering my question. Now I can pick my true #1 pick: Owen Hart.
Hart died during a senseless, unnecessary stunt. The pro wrestling equivalent of running a double reverse flea flicker when you’re up three scores. Moreover, he was in the wrong era. He was a talented wrestler but a bad actor. He was way too technical for 1999. He was a master painter forced to use half a pack of crayons.
However a few years later, the WWF had wrestlers Owen could work with. Kurt Angle. Edge. Chris Jericho. Chris Benoit. Instead of being known as Bret’s brother who feel to his death, Owen is known as the guy who stole the show with Y2J at WrestleMania 2000. The guy who had an amazing feud with Angle for the WWF Championship.
Also, since the revised cause of death is unknown (say a car crash), his family doesn’t have to see their husband/father fall to his death, he gets to the Hall of Fame to be celebrated.
Finally, he gets five more years with his family.
If anyone drafts Chris Benoit they’re dead to me.
Part of me wants to take Roy Cohn just to see him suffer through five more years of AIDS symptoms.
WCS’s encyclopedic knowledge of, and instantaneous access to, Simpsons gifs relevant to any topic that comes up is frankly terrifying.
He is like Moosemas, only extremely specific.
Tough, but fair.
I was going to pick Reagan so he could’ve used his influence to keep the Republicans from going further far right, but then I remembered he was suffering from Alzheimer’s so five more years would’ve been five more years of Hell being trapped in his body.
Some people here would be okay with that, but not me.
Marilyn Monroe in the 2nd round
Value pick.
2Pack has a type
Yeah Buddy. I love me a sexy train wreck.
I think this is both a Balls Search Term and the Brick signal.
Supersized combo meals. Man, I miss them.
[hires TheRevanchist as assistant GM] – Andy Reid
Good way to ensure that you don’t make another 5 years.
Also we’re drafting people, not things.
D. Boon
Sweet pick. Recent reread ‘Our Band Could Be Your Life’
Minutemen were just on the verge of something big when he got in that goddamn van.
I feel the same way.
2. And this really should have been my #1 pick, arguably #1 overall: Phil Fucking Hartman.
Oh good call
Unrelated, our Blake Bortles alliteration tricks around here are more impressive than this subhead, but the headline is very DFO
https://www.livescience.com/carnivorous-penis-pitcher-plant-picked
I’m in full on procrastination mode, and 30 minutes have passed so here’s my third pick:
George Stanley Halas, aka Papa Bear. Hopefully he convinces his daughter to divorce her idiot husband or at least not let his family run/ruin the team, but at a minimum, he’d get to see the Bears win in ’85 (slash January of 86).
RFK. If Bobby’s not assassinated in ‘68, he may take the nomination away from Humphrey and have a better chance against Nixon. A Kennedy win unlocks multiple possibilities. A different Vietnam exit. No Watergate. No Ford presidency. No Carter presidency. USA goes into 1970s with less unease.
Jokic after that murder dunk from last night from Wiggins.
“Oh we all look alike to you, huh?” – Luka Doncic
They do
Shit. Y’all stole all the good picks!
Question for the commissioner: Will they die the exact same way five years later or just die differently?
Unknown, but you just gave me the idea for a truly horrible draft topic.
Nicole Brown Simpson
Oh do I need a reason? OJ probably fades to oblivion or just reprises his shitty acting appearances and more importantly THE KARDASHIANS NEVER BECOME A THING
I’m here trying to play Candyland and BFC is playing 3d Chess.
Yeah, this is genius.
THIS GUY ME I CALL HIM DONALD TRUMP BECAUSE HE’S HERALDED AS GENIUS BY DUBIOUS AUTHORITIES ON THE MATTER
John Belushi. Would have had more than a few classics before he got to the family goofball comedy, money grab part of his career.
MCA aka Adam Yauch
Even five more years would be wonderful.
On the other hand, cancer needs to go.
Counterpoint: Cancer killed Rush Limbaugh
Natalie Wood.
This pick floats
Mozart. Hell, imagine he finished the Requiem? He would have been the bridge to the Romantic era, not Beethoven.
Bradley Nowell – so he could have seen Sublime’s success and we would hopefully get more songs.
Some jerk is gonna blow a late round pick on Al Davis just to fuck with me, aren’t they?
/scribbles notes
Well, now they are.
Realistically, you should have drafted someone who ran very fast, but couldn’t catch anything thrown within 15 feet of him/her.
Compared to the current guy, we may be doing you a favor.
Franz Ferdinand.
Could have avoided a whole lot of unpleasantness.
1. Len Bias. That’s at least two, maybe as many as four more banners for the Celtics.
Counterpoint: That’s at least two, maybe as many as four more banners for the Celtics.
Lincoln. Reconstruction may have gone differently.
John Bonham. Really would’ve enjoyed more Zep songs in the “Wearing and Tearing” vein.
I probably could have done an entire draft just based off of dead rock stars.
George Carlin, just so he could have ripped Donald Asslicking Trump to shreds,
Nothing world-changing. But I think we never saw what this dude was really capable of. I think he’d have been an awesome dramatic actor.
I was watching TCM’s Sunday night silent movie yesterday. They were showing some Fatty Arbuckle’s, so I looked him up because I couldn’t remember the sordid Virginia Rappe details. I found something that said Chris Farley wanted to make a biopic about Fatty. That story certainly had all the drama anyone could ask for, along with pathos, bathos, and all the other ‘thosos’. Would have made a hella good flick, and Farley would have been great in it.
Also, my pick is Fatty Arbuckle. He was just starting to get his career back after being vilified in the court of public opinion for something he didn’t do. He deserved five more years.
I’m going to not pick Hitler, so he dies 5 years earlier and hopefully WWII doesn’t happen
/misses whole point of draft
// shows self out
Hitler died in May of 1945. Germany, (and Russia, which everyone seems to forget), invaded Poland in September of 1939. Germany invaded Belgium and France in May of 1940, all of which leads me to conclude that GTD is a French/Belgian individual who hates Poland.
I’ve got friends in Poland. It’s more that I don’t know history and thought he died in 1944.
One COULD pick Hitler so he stands trial, and shits his pants when he hangs.
I mean “shooting yourself in the head and then having your corpse doused and gasoline and burned outside of a bombed out bunker” isn’t exactly “died peacefully in his sleep”
Still too good for him.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg
You. WIN,
Only if you can guarantee that she would have been smart enough to step down after Biden was elected and before the mid-terms.
Anthony Bourdain. His show was right in the sweet spot of travelogue, history, food and geopolitical commentary. Best show on television.
I’m going with Michael Hutchence of INXS. Does INXS have another hit album or 2? Does Michael still die the same way, just older and maybe not as wiser? Does he go David Carradine instead?
How about let Paula Yates die first, then he might have stood a chance at not dying at all? He had 99 problems, and that bitch was most of them.
JFK – Would love to see how the US would be different after 5 more years, having JFK finish his term and maybe having another one.
That’s a good one. Very interesting idea.
possibly removes the Robert Caro LBJ book series from existence, too risky!!
SHUT-IN NEEDS HIS BOOKY-BOOK!!
/Did Caro ever finish that?
I am still waiting. He is still alive and sentient, but my annual Googling gives NO GODDAMNED RELEASE DATE.
/I just bookmarked the Wikipedia link
Did you learn nothing from Chinese Democracy?