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Hello, friends, Larry King here. Things are heating up across the world of sporting, and I couldn’t be happier if they also managed to preserve my penis in this cryogenic storage pod. Baseball is finally starting to cook, playoff hockey continues to surprise and delight with ever-more-gruesome penalties, and basketball is giving us a chance to watch Boston sports fans suffer more dashed hopes!
My thoughts:
-June football is here! Most teams are holding Organized Team Activities (or “OTAs”), to start integrating rookies, veterans and new team members with the coaching staff.
-One team that will not be having OTAs today are the Chicago Bears, who were penalized one OTA practice for too much live contact in practice in violation of the league’s collective bargaining agreement. I for one sympathize with new head coach Matt Eberflus. First they complain about too much live contact, next thing you know you’re writing your fifth alimony check of the month…
-Speaking of organized team activities, did I ever tell you about my night in Vegas with Anna Wintour? Boy, did she keep those Chippendale dancers in line…
-I understand that many Americans are hurting because the price of gasoline has gone up. But were you aware of how much liquid nitrogen and nutrient paste are going for these days? Do something, Congress…
-Reports out of Colorado suggest that Walmart heir Rob Walton is the leading contender to buy the Denver Broncos with a bid of $4.5 billion. That’s roughly double what David Tepper paid for the Carolina Panthers four years ago. If it goes through, it will leave all top-level professional Colorado sports teams (Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche and the Colorado Rapids) controlled by Walton money…
-Rockies? No, I said “top-level professional” teams…
-Despite the Forbes story on the Broncos ownership saga, rumors of a dark-horse bid by a mysterious “Church of the Nearly-Immaculate Fleshlight” continue to circulate…
-Line 2, we have…Hippo King from North Carolina, hello…
-Bill Belichick announced that the Patriots will be running “streamlined” offensive playcalling for second-year quarterback Mac Jones. When asked what prompted the slimmed-down approach, Belichick replied “GrumblegrumblebecauseyourmotherwentontheSouthBeachDietgrumblegrumble.”
-Streamlining! What a concept! Will Belichick never stop innovating?
-Hippo King, hello…
-Aaron Donald may have gotten his money, but he’s no Tom Sestak….
-The Carolina Panthers have hired Justine Lindsay as the first openly-transgendered cheerleader in the NFL. Personally, I don’t fully understand this cis-hetero–homo-trans-nonbinary stuff that goes on nowadays, but I don’t need to. If you spent a lot of time in Los Angeles in the Eighties like I did, you learned not to ask questions. If a woman wanted to wear more comfortable shoes, well, I can’t blame them…
-I remember back when I had feet…
-Ms. Lindsay’s hiring for the TopCats squad really marks a yuge culture change for the team. Remember, it was only 11 years ago that two young ladies were kicked off the TopCats for being extremely open with their sexuality in a night-club bathroom stall…
-I guess I was wrong about Trevor Lawrence and the gender barrier. You go, girl…
-Wendy, all I’m getting on Line 2 is the sound of a man choking to death on his own rage. Can you see if it’s a technical issue?
-Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Adam Gase wgah’nagl fhtagn…
-Baker Mayfield remains on the Browns roster, presumably as insurance for when the league suspends Deshaun Watson. I’m sure he’ll take to that role with his customary grace…
-My beloved Dodgers have a new baby brother! Dodgers co-owner Todd Boehly led a group that purchased the “Chelsea Football Club” in London for a mere $3.2 billion. What a deal!
-What do you mean, it’s a different “football”?
I AM FUCKING INSANE.
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