Hello, friends, Larry King here. Things are heating up across the world of sporting, and I couldn’t be happier if they also managed to preserve my penis in this cryogenic storage pod. Baseball is finally starting to cook, playoff hockey continues to surprise and delight with ever-more-gruesome penalties, and basketball is giving us a chance to watch Boston sports fans suffer more dashed hopes!
My thoughts:
-June football is here! Most teams are holding Organized Team Activities (or “OTAs”), to start integrating rookies, veterans and new team members with the coaching staff.
-One team that will not be having OTAs today are the Chicago Bears, who were penalized one OTA practice for too much live contact in practice in violation of the league’s collective bargaining agreement. I for one sympathize with new head coach Matt Eberflus. First they complain about too much live contact, next thing you know you’re writing your fifth alimony check of the month…
-Speaking of organized team activities, did I ever tell you about my night in Vegas with Anna Wintour? Boy, did she keep those Chippendale dancers in line…
-I understand that many Americans are hurting because the price of gasoline has gone up. But were you aware of how much liquid nitrogen and nutrient paste are going for these days? Do something, Congress…
-Reports out of Colorado suggest that Walmart heir Rob Walton is the leading contender to buy the Denver Broncos with a bid of $4.5 billion. That’s roughly double what David Tepper paid for the Carolina Panthers four years ago. If it goes through, it will leave all top-level professional Colorado sports teams (Denver Nuggets, Colorado Avalanche and the Colorado Rapids) controlled by Walton money…
-Rockies? No, I said “top-level professional” teams…
-Despite the Forbes story on the Broncos ownership saga, rumors of a dark-horse bid by a mysterious “Church of the Nearly-Immaculate Fleshlight” continue to circulate…
-Line 2, we have…Hippo King from North Carolina, hello…
-Bill Belichick announced that the Patriots will be running “streamlined” offensive playcalling for second-year quarterback Mac Jones. When asked what prompted the slimmed-down approach, Belichick replied “GrumblegrumblebecauseyourmotherwentontheSouthBeachDietgrumblegrumble.”
-Streamlining! What a concept! Will Belichick never stop innovating?
-Hippo King, hello…
-Aaron Donald may have gotten his money, but he’s no Tom Sestak….
-The Carolina Panthers have hired Justine Lindsay as the first openly-transgendered cheerleader in the NFL. Personally, I don’t fully understand this cis-hetero–homo-trans-nonbinary stuff that goes on nowadays, but I don’t need to. If you spent a lot of time in Los Angeles in the Eighties like I did, you learned not to ask questions. If a woman wanted to wear more comfortable shoes, well, I can’t blame them…
-I remember back when I had feet…
-Ms. Lindsay’s hiring for the TopCats squad really marks a yuge culture change for the team. Remember, it was only 11 years ago that two young ladies were kicked off the TopCats for being extremely open with their sexuality in a night-club bathroom stall…
-I guess I was wrong about Trevor Lawrence and the gender barrier. You go, girl…
-Wendy, all I’m getting on Line 2 is the sound of a man choking to death on his own rage. Can you see if it’s a technical issue?
-Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Adam Gase wgah’nagl fhtagn…
-Baker Mayfield remains on the Browns roster, presumably as insurance for when the league suspends Deshaun Watson. I’m sure he’ll take to that role with his customary grace…
-My beloved Dodgers have a new baby brother! Dodgers co-owner Todd Boehly led a group that purchased the “Chelsea Football Club” in London for a mere $3.2 billion. What a deal!
-What do you mean, it’s a different “football”?
I AM FUCKING INSANE.
So I’m currently reading “Silverthorn” by Raymond Feist and it’s a straight up junior high, dungeons and dragons classic. I forgot how much I enjoyed actually *unplugging* with a book sometimes. It’s like background music or a sporting event I don’t care about, but in book form.
I read the Riftwar Saga back then, too. Tried some of his follow-up series, but it really does seem like a dated style. But I certainly have some good memories of the original series.
These Reds, I call them my ex-girlfriend, because even though I broke things off with them, they are being extra good and sweet all in an effort for me to get back with them just so they can break my heart again.
Don’t fall for it. Dirty ho’s.
Found a funny;
[norm macdonald voice] went to see this ah… this morbius movie… because of the 𝘮𝘦𝘮𝘦𝘴 y’know… and ah… i gotta tell ya… the title is perfect because ah… i’ve never seen more b.s. in my entire 𝙡𝙞𝙛𝙚
Thanks for the Larry channeling. Missed him!
Also, Trout homered in the 1st, so it WAS all Maddon’s fault.
(Angels immediately fall behind 3-2)
Or not.
AND Trout just came out of the game (after hitting a double) with some kind of leg injury, so fuck everything in the fuckhole.
“left groin tightness”
Just rub one out and get back on the field tomorrow.
Better rub out the right groin just to be sure.
Oooh I have some hot island action on FUBO, British Virgins v Caymans!
Book-Wise: If you like your mysteries having some depth and oomph!, consider reading The Axeman’s Jazz by Ray Celestin. If you like that tome, there are three others in the series that you could consume.
TRUE HIPPO STORY! My family loved The Waltons, which made me wonder if I was adopted or sommet. It was all I could do not to shame them the full hour (at least it didn’t air until FITBAW was over).
Hey, the Waltons embody the American dream by building a retail empire of affordable goods that still resonates in teh Sprots ownership landscape of today, show some respect!
/Kroenke’s wife is a Walton, doncha see.
Any time I watched The Waltons as a kidlet I always felt that something was “off”. I could never quite put my finger on it.
About the same age as you, and I found that show un-fucking-watchable.
The more I hear about the Uvalde police department’s reaction to the shooting both during and afterwards, the more I want them all to be cashiered by the surviving kids. Not fired. Cashiered.
*****BAD LIBERAL ALERT*****
My first response to these thingies is to give the police the benefit of the doubt. They have a really hard, dangerous, underpaid job that’s rife with bullshit (HEY, just like schoolteachers amirite??). But this Uvalde response just keeps looking worse and worse.
“Benefit of the doubt” no mean “free license to do whatever you want.”
As a liberal, agree with both parts.
BAD CONSERVATIVE ALERT
I usually tend to give police the benefit of the doubt except in cases where evidence shows otherwise. I’ll concede White Privilege is a part of that, but cops have a difficult job where any hesitation could result in the loss of someone’s life, including their own. (Insert reason for Gun Control here)
Incompetence and coverup. The police chief avoids both the media and public meetings. A mother is getting threatened with being arrest for speaking about this.
Of all the states where the police would actively prevent and arrest any armed parents from taking justice into their own hands, Texas is last on the list.
“…where any hesitation could result in the loss of someone’s life, including their own.”
See, this is absolutely true, because there are so many damned guns out there. You’d think police officers would be the *biggest* advocates of gun control, but you’d be wrong.
Ok, I’ll bite-what does cashiered mean?
Yeah, you’re not the only one wondering what that means.
Mur-diddly-urdered, analrino!
OC represent!
Cashiering – Wikipedia
To publicly rib off all rank, insignia and medals and destroy all weaponry to dishonor a guilty party.
They strip off your epaulets, break your sword over their knee, and throw you out of the fort. At least that’s how they did it on Branded.
Here’s a non-military example you may have seen.
Mary Poppins vs. Wall Street – YouTube
Hippo and The Waltons!
Coming up at 9 on Fox!
Your quartered back molested Charlie Kelly smh
Not the first time a Yinzer quartered back has done something strange and bad.
Wait, what?
It was better when we all pretended Mr. Bowlen still had his faculties.