Wakezilla sitting in the back of a limo while his driver, a black male, has a stressed look on his face, is driving on Salwa road in Doha, Qatar.
Wakezilla: Marhaba! Assalamu Alaikum my DFO friends! Your pal Wakezilla recently got a life changing promotion that required me to move to Doha, Qatar. Is it pronounced Ka-Tar? Key-Tar? or Kay-tar?
/Wakezilla winds down the window partition to talk to his driver
Wakezilla: Toby, how do you pronounce Qatar?
Toby in a frustrated tone of voice: Mistah Wakezilla sir, for DA last TIME, my name is Kunta KIN-te of the Mandinkan tr—
/Wakezilla closes the window partition
Wakezilla: The help must only be seen, not heard, Toby. . .
/Wakezilla turns to the camera and begins to whisper: Between us friends, Toby isn’t exactly quote unquote the help. Toby is one of the slaves assigned to me. You read that right. Qatar has a bit of a slave issue. Now I know what you’re thinking, and to that I say, don’t be a racist! Besides, they’re doing a good job.
/Toby pulls up to Wakezilla’s house
Yeah, it ain’t much, but I’m getting by.
/Wakezilla is let out of the Limo and he proceeds to walk inside his new home and enters his family room.
Wakezilla: Damn, this is luxury living. My employer paid for my flight, gave me housing accommodations, I make well over six figures and I even have slaves. Yes, that’s plural. Where is my house slave anyway.
/Wakezilla claps his hands to the tune of The Clapper.
/The Door Flies Open
Houseslave: Oui, Monseiur Wakezilla?
Wakezilla: Maria, I think you know what I want.
Maria giggling: Anal, Monseiur?
Wakezilla with a smirk on his face: You’re god damn right, Maria. No matter how neat I want the house, you have to clean it. If the cleaning isn’t up to my satisfaction, you know your documents that I had to confiscate when you became mine? Well, I’ll burn your passport faster than an ISIS initiation. Hell, I’ll send you to ISIS. It’s not like they’re state sponsored here or anything. Also, why are you talking in a French accent?
Maria: Because Monsieur, this is a dream and you don’t know how to write in a Filipina’s acccent.
Wakezilla: A dream? You mean I didn’t get the job? *Realizing he’s about to wake up* Ah, fuck.
/Wakezilla awakens from his slumber and realizes he’s in his work cubicle. After wiping off the saliva dripping from his mouth, Wakezilla begins to speak.
Wakezilla: You know, the worst thing about that dream is that the company in question ghosted me, despite being a finalist to move to Doha, Qatar. Now, that could also technically mean I still am in the running, but, considering they’d want me to move arcoss the world in less than two months, I sure as shit ain’t taking the job. And do you want to know why? FUCK QATAR! THAT’S Why.
First of all, Qatar is the DUFF (Dumb, Ugly, Fat Friend) of the world. Great news America! Qatar is the fattest country in the world with over half of all adults obese and 17 per cent of the population suffering from diabetes. On average, Qatar is significantly fatter than you. That goes for their leaders, too. For example, here’s what Sheik Hamad Bin Khalifa Al Thani looks like. Combine his looks with his antiquated ideology and he even manages to make Trump look good:
Now you know why Trump is friends on with Qatar at the moment.
But it gets better. The nation also suffers from a high rate of birth defects and genetic disorders -which is due to the inter-marriage between close family members and cousins. Yes, Qatar is the fucking Alabama of the Middle East. Is it any wonder why Mohammad bin Salman wants to make like Bugs Bunny and turn Qatar into an island? Great. This shitstain country has even managed to make MBS somewhat likeable.
Maybe American Pharma should start sending Qatar the diabetic medicine that causes genital gangrene to help reduce the incestuous reproduction?
You know what else sucks about Qatar? Qatar Telecom. Those assholes provide shitty communication services and they also block all sites that contain pornography, controversial content or sites that attack Qatar. If you had dreams and aspirations of being famous in Qatar, well, I’m sorry because once this post goes live, we will officially get blocked there.
In addition to what has already been mentioned, Qataris are so openly racist, they make the Charlottesville white supremacists blush. They make Indian and Filipino employees slaves (even under the revised Kafala system, the new law may get rid of the word sponsorship but it leaves the same basic system intact) and are so conceited, Qataris actually brag about how many slaves they own. This is why 1200 workers and counting have died making Qatar’s new Lesser Footy Stadium.
Which leads me to the main reason why Qatar sucks: It’s too fucking hot! For seven months of the year, Qatar averages in the 90s or higher.
Yet these assholes are hosting the 2022 Dry World Cup. I say ‘Dry’ World Cup because the stadiums are in areas where a person can’t drink alcohol and based on their backwards laws, you can’t even give their cops a reason to think that you’re drunk. Otherwise they’ll throw you in jail for a long ass time. Speaking of Lesser Footy, it’s time discuss Qatar’s chances in the 2019 Copa America.
Nickname: Al-Annabi (The Maroons)
What their nickname should be: The Poachers/Team UN (because most of the players they field aren’t Qatari)
FIFA Rank: 55
Home stadium name: Mia Khalifa Stadium
Prior to being named the World Cup hosts for the 2022 World Cup, the only thing people knew about Qatar’s lesser footy team is that you picked them to play against in FIFA’s video games in the 90s if you wanted to win by double digits and this wonderful highlight:
So what do you do when you’re an obscenely rich country and have a little bit of time to improve, but have no patience in waiting for your 112th ranked team to attain respectability? Why, you pay the same corrupt officials that gave you approval to host a World Cup and tell them to look the other way while you make the loosest of connections to international players to “prove” they are of Qatari descent, of course! Not that they hadn’t done this before, but it took off with Sebastian Soria, a Uruguyan born player who is Qatar’s most capped and most prolific scorer. Then, by 2017, it got a little bit out of hand:
The legitimacy of players playing for team UN is still be contested. In fact, the UAE disputed the legitimacy of a couple of players during the Asian Euros, but ultimately had their review $hot down. This lead to UAE fans throwing their shoes at Qataris players after the match was over. Since some of you aren’t as well traveled as your pal Wakezilla, let me explain this. In Arab culture, throwing your shoes at someone is considered an insult.
Over their last 13 games, Qatar has won 10 matches, lost 2 and 1 draw (against Iceland). Their 10 wins include a win over Switzerland, and notable wins over Saudi Arabia, North Korea, South Korea and a 3-1 victory over Japan in the 2019 Asian Cup Finals.
Roster: (The players in bold lettering could have played for another country)
Goalkeepers: Saad Al Sheeb, Youssef Hassan, Mohammed Al Bakri
Defenders: Tareq Salman, Abdulkarim Hassam, Hamed Ismael, Tameem Al-Muhaza, Assim Madebo, Salem Alhajri, Ahmed Fathy, Pedro Correira, Al Mahdi Ali, Bassam Husham
Midfielders: Boualem Khoukhi, Karim Boudiaf, Ali Afif, Abdulaziz Hatim, Abdullah Abdul Salam
Forwards: Akram Afif, Hassan Al Haydos, Almoez Ali, Ahmed Al Aaeldin, Ahmed Moein, Abdulaziz Al Ansari
That’s 14 players that could be playing for another country*. And they have 6 more Qatari listed than in 2017, so, progress! (That’s the only time Qatar and progress will ever be paired together).
*For the record, I’m not totally against the strategy Qatar is employing. In fact, I think Canada should be doing something similar to help get us over the hump. Just, do it in moderation or at the very least, treat the players with respect and not make them literally a lesser footy slave.
Game 1, 6/16: vs Paraguay: Paraguay was awful in last year’s Copa America as they only got one point from South Africa. This year’s squad is awash with inexperienced players and only a handful of players have earned double figures in caps. However, midfielder Cristian Riveros has played in over 100 matches for Paraguay.
تنبؤ: Qatar is coming here to gauge where they stand in the lesser footy world. They will be ready for this game as this is the one match where they should realistically win.
Qatar wins 3-1
Game 2, 6/19: vs Colombia: Los Donkey Fuckers are ridiculously stacked and assuming they don’t score an own goal or get a crucial red card during play, I expect the Donkey Fuckers to be the team that is likely to take down Brazil.
تنبؤ: Los Donkey Fuckers wins 1-0 in a surprisingly competitive match.
Game 3, 6/23: vs Argentina: With Messi not being featured as much as he used to in recent matches, I’m not even sure if he’s playing for Argentina or not this tournament. If he is, he may see the writing on the wall, which could make him and Argentina dangerous. If Messi is riding the pine, Argentina has lots of good players to do well in this tournament.
تنبؤ: Qatar is likely playing against a desperate Argentinian team who needs a win to advance. Therefore, Argentina will beat Qatar 2-0.
Since it’s Qatar, I expect shenanigans to go down and they’ll be the third place team that plays Brasil in the Quarterfinals. Brazil will struggle at first, but will end up beating Qatar 2-1. Qatar gets to feel good about itself by saying it made the quarterfinals and Brasil gets a fairly easy path to the raging semis. Win/Win.