The best you can hope for is to die in your sleep. – Kenny Rogers, 20th century American poet

I thought.  I would.  Be mooooorrrre than this.. – Cloud Nothings, 21st century American poets

Life is a wet bag of shit.  Just a matter of when it breaks, not if.  And how much gets on your favoUrite shoes. – King Hippo, imaginary American pill-head

Aren’t y’all ready to face the long weekend now?  Wheeeeeeee!!

But all is not lost (yet).  Our beloved Premiership kicks off Friday, 4 August, with Palace hosting the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (3p, USA).  A full weekend slate follows, meaning we are basically 5 weeks away from life re-gaining a bit of meaning.  HANG THE FUCK ON.

As y’all have heard, Everton shithouse talisman Richarlison (iconic image above, per The Guardian) is off to Spurs.  I can live with that, and it doesn’t much matter to me if he plies his trade on the Prem (so long as it’s not the cunts across Stanley Park).  The fee is reportedly 60m Brexit Bucks, at least with (supposedly easily achievable) add-ons.  Not a great fee, but dealing with Daniel Levy (and no other serious bidders) it could have been far worse.

What I most certainly AM bothered about?  Links with old, not-arsed attitude-having Men Untied flop Jesse Lingard being linked at 150k/wk.  Because hurr durr, no transfer fee.  But free is never free, and you pay for it, in terms of salary and sign-on fees.  Just dreadful business, with no ceiling and no re-sale value.  We haven’t learned fuck shit.

2022-23’s first Spotlight Dance will feature Tuchel’s Chelski machine tearing apart Ruggedly Handsome (but doomed) Frank Lampard at Goodison (12:30, 5 August, NBC).  That’s just fucking mean.

Oh yeah, I mentioned roll call – because Hippo would like to start a series of conversations for the next several Saturdays – Tell Hippo About Your Side.  That means mega-supporters like Horatio and Colonial Governor Cecil Rhodes would talk Arsenal.  Why you support them, how you feel about next season/long-term trajectory, etc. So I know who to bother via e-mail/Slack (and because my memory is fucked beyond all fuckitude), please use the comments to remind the Clubhouse who you support.  Can be leagues other/lesser than the Prem (side-eyes Balls-y), we are an open and welcoming bunch of assholes.

Perhaps Hippo will think up a separate night thread, perhaps not.  If the latter, please keep hunting and pecking here.  PHRASING.