The best you can hope for is to die in your sleep. – Kenny Rogers, 20th century American poet
I thought. I would. Be mooooorrrre than this.. – Cloud Nothings, 21st century American poets
Life is a wet bag of shit. Just a matter of when it breaks, not if. And how much gets on your favoUrite shoes. – King Hippo, imaginary American pill-head
Aren’t y’all ready to face the long weekend now? Wheeeeeeee!!
But all is not lost (yet). Our beloved Premiership kicks off Friday, 4 August, with Palace hosting the King’s Afrikan Water Pistols (3p, USA). A full weekend slate follows, meaning we are basically 5 weeks away from life re-gaining a bit of meaning. HANG THE FUCK ON.
As y’all have heard, Everton shithouse talisman Richarlison (iconic image above, per The Guardian) is off to Spurs. I can live with that, and it doesn’t much matter to me if he plies his trade on the Prem (so long as it’s not the cunts across Stanley Park). The fee is reportedly 60m Brexit Bucks, at least with (supposedly easily achievable) add-ons. Not a great fee, but dealing with Daniel Levy (and no other serious bidders) it could have been far worse.
What I most certainly AM bothered about? Links with old, not-arsed attitude-having Men Untied flop Jesse Lingard being linked at 150k/wk. Because hurr durr, no transfer fee. But free is never free, and you pay for it, in terms of salary and sign-on fees. Just dreadful business, with no ceiling and no re-sale value. We haven’t learned fuck shit.
2022-23’s first Spotlight Dance will feature Tuchel’s Chelski machine tearing apart Ruggedly Handsome (but doomed) Frank Lampard at Goodison (12:30, 5 August, NBC). That’s just fucking mean.
Oh yeah, I mentioned roll call – because Hippo would like to start a series of conversations for the next several Saturdays – Tell Hippo About Your Side. That means mega-supporters like Horatio and Colonial Governor Cecil Rhodes would talk Arsenal. Why you support them, how you feel about next season/long-term trajectory, etc. So I know who to bother via e-mail/Slack (and because my memory is fucked beyond all fuckitude), please use the comments to remind the Clubhouse who you support. Can be leagues other/lesser than the Prem (side-eyes Balls-y), we are an open and welcoming bunch of assholes.
Perhaps Hippo will think up a separate night thread, perhaps not. If the latter, please keep hunting and pecking here. PHRASING.
Me: Who taught that guy to sweep?
Daughter: No one. He’s a white man.
Me: Ouch
Maybe she should just put down the ice cream. She’s obviously had too much.
I usually just threaten her student loans
She’s not wrong
That’s why it hurts.
To be clear, I do not know how Stranger Things ends. We’re still watching it, and I don’t really watch the show.
My daughter will be explaining: “So that’s Steve”
Me: “Who’s Steve?”
Daughter: “The one with the good hair”
Me: “Really not helping”
Daughter: “The one in the middle”
Me: “Got it”
Also I am getting nostalgic for the red-white-and-blue Starter jackets.
I don’t want to ruin the ending of Stranger Things or anything, but you are going to hear ‘Running Up That Hill’
[flinches]
-BFC
I’m going to tread lightly wherever Horatio comments tonight
/traps BFC under box that had King Julius under it
OK, so , in the season finale…
Twitter keeps promoting this account in my feed, can’t say I mind it
https://twitter.com/shirtsthtgohard/status/1543269658953797632?t=QED5BTjGKAwixnuA90ID2w&s=19
IS THAT AN IGUANA MART TAG?
THE STREAMS HAVE CROSSED!!!
Who wants to know how Stranger Things ends?
Not me, we’re still two episodes behind the finale
Finale is 2.5 hours long.
Good god.
He fixes the cable?
It turns out all the monster wanted was to have Cinemax unscrambled on his 80’s cable box.
heh. Box. heh heh.
And your 2022 miss money in the bank…..
Liv morgan!
Here you go, I’m sure you needed it
Who’s her archnemesis, lubridermman?
I’m pretty sure balls would be somewhere in her rogues gallery
And to be clear, I do mean our resident dfoer
And by “rogues gallery” I mean anus.
For some reason Alexa Bliss is trending on Twitter.
https://twitter.com/The_Blue_Brand/status/1543346306717974529/photo/1
RIP, Seamus
Detroit style pizza ain’t bad. Not the best but it’ll do.
I’m absolutely intrigued by it. Not sure I can find one locally so I may have to make one my damn self. The only thing is they look like they’re really dependent on the seasoned pan.
/ processing
There are a shockingly high number of Detroit style pizza places in DC. Closest thing I had in LA might be Roman style pizza, which is also very good.
We bought the one from Costco and it was delicious.
Here’s a battery block charging my iPhone because my all-electric Tesla Sexmobile rental car doesn’t have a single USB charging port. I had to import electricity into an electric car.
(To celebrate Pride Month I’m using an incredibly gay charging cable)
I have to go to the store, woe is me. I might wait until we get back from the pool at 6 or 6:30.
Huh, so this brown and tan box from La Maison Du Chocolat contains fruit jellies. I actually prefer these to chocolate, but not what I was expecting!
It’s a trap! They’re trying to groom you for Big Turk consumption!
RTD you are next after BFC….
What would happen if I ever received a Big Turk in the mail (artist’s conception):
As the resident food guy I feel compelled to give a full culinary break down.
Dear God what am I getting myself into?
Get an old tire, cover it in chocolate and jelly, take a big bite.
(shudders in memory of that one god-awful bite)
I am absolutely going to live blog it.
Just found out the Nations League female volleyball is here in town and the last day is tomorrow. It is only 15 mins away!!!
Will I bring Deci so I can ogle tall athletic women? Yes, yes I will.
*so Deci can ogle tall athletic women, you mean.
The town folk don’t be bullshittin round
If there’s one thing that I learned from Anthony Bourdain it was that Italians love their street festivals.
Well, that and not to do heroin.
They certainly do. They will be getting after it here till around 1AM.
Those mountains in the background are the foothills of the Alps
See, Horatio, I don’t want these type of chairs either
You can steal a stack of 10 and still run a sub 6 minute mile.
I wonder if I could even threaten 6 minutes now. Young 4:24 (I wasnt a mile stud) may be shaking his head but he’s broke and don’t appreciate good booze and weed so f him/me.
[stands on his lawn and shakes a rake at a 6] – Tom Coughlin
My parents had one of those metal glider couch things. Weighed a bajillion pounds, but was surprisingly comfortable to sit on. It was on a covered porch though, would have caused severe thermal damage in the hot sun.
I went to the Masonic Temple today. Those idiots on January 6th attacked the wrong place. The President of the United States is certified here, in closed-door session, before the election.
Brick is a Stonecutter? Teh pieces FIT!!!!
I’m a 34°
“Pathetic! I’m a 165 degree!”
-D. Trump, looking down at his steak
I’m generally not a fan of the City Connect jerseys MLB is doing, but the Padres is a good one.
Way to go, Whale’s Vagina!
Their theme is Taco Bell?
Or Miami Vice
Was going to say that they look a lot like Miami Heat unis.
My guess on the theme was “1990s”.
https://memes.getyarn.io/yarn-clip/5f970d23-f2f8-41d1-be70-5128da954b43#A4aqo_dS.copy
Just got a double yolk egg. That’s bonus fat!
Might I suggest a rasher of bacon to seal the deal?
And by “deal” I mean “arteries.”
“A rasher of bacon? No deal.” – Coach Reid
Bonus Fat was my favourite under-rated Bond movie henchman. The way he smothered guys with his prodigious belly? So cool.
Cheering against the dude with the sleeve tattoo because I want some skin in this game.
Upon Further Review: this comment might come across as racist. I just despise that sort of tattoo.
Why would that possibly be racist?
Sometimes a guy makes a ‘skin’ reference and second-guesses his joke. It happens. (to me)
you racist
“Say you racist, say me racist-say it together, naturally…”
-Lionel Ritchie
Two day massive nap streak WOO!!!!
I’ve a notion that in the US, The Breeder’s Cup is going to be an entirely different competition once the Supreme Court has stripped away a few more women’s rights.
“Yes, but think of what it’s done for the rights of men to make 10-year-olds bear their children!”
It’s about time white guys caught a break and a small child!
Oh, we won’t be supporting those children, just forcing women to carry them to term and then checking out of both of their lives entirely.
Yeah, but one day half of them will be disaffected 20-year-old white men ready to join the Proud Boys because they blame everyone else for how their lives turned out. So it’s win-win!
Gotta keep the pipeline moving somehow.
Aw crap. The joke played on (/s) white guys finally catching a break and those same white guys being able to catch a child as it was running away.
/subscribe to my blog for more dark jokes!
#NawtOurQB
but what of his comically large penis?? He will ESTABLISH DOMINANCE in that locker room.
Haha, big mad DK!
https://twitter.com/dkm14/status/1543323656998203392
Tsitsipas-Kyrgios having the rare “cheer for the meteor” tennis match.
Tsitsipas is notorious for his gamesmanship, and nearly hit a spectator with a ball (thus narrowly avoiding a Djokovic-style default).
Kyrgios is maintaining a constant monologue with the umpire including when Tsitsipas is about to serve.
And now I regret saying that, because the McEnroe brothers are getting sanctimonious about how Tsitsipas should give Kyrgios a talking-to about disrespecting the game.
Yeah, that always worked well when players tried saying that to John.
I like Johnny Mac, but he’s being a massive hypocrite here. Patrick is just always a sanctimonious ass.
He cannot possibly be serious with that “This is Wimbledon” line.
Yeah, I think Tsitsipas is entitled to complain to Kyrgios and/or the umpire about the talking between serves, but it’s simply a matter of not disrupting your opponent, not this high-minded nonsense about disrespecting the game.
I don’t watch much tennis, but I did stumble on this match long enough to see Kyrgios underhand serve for game, then spent the rest of the set watching Tsitsipas try to hit returns off Kyrgios’s face.
I was, in fact, entertained.
Our town is having the annual Sagra (festival) this weekend for the first time in 3 years due to Covid. Rides and arcade games for the kids, street food, and dancing under the stars to live (local) bands. I’m gonna slide on over there tonight (in an hour) and see if any of the ladies wanna give these two left feet a try.
Good luck finding a nice lass with a foot fetish!
They all know the ole saying… once you go derp… you never go back.
-Ricky Ray
Fucking hell the walk was gorgeous today. I got past 4 miles and was pushing for 5 but the damn sunscreen got in my eyes.
That shit burns when you haven’t worn it in awhile.
Plan on doing more of the same tomorrow and Monday.
Anyone have recommendations for outdoor chairs for a front porch, comfy enough to sit in, heavy enough to be a theft deterrent?
Adirondacks.
No one in their right minds would steal those.
Ugh, you and the lady BFC are on the same page.
You want decent chairs, or you want theft-proof chairs? Because you can’t have both.
They look fantastic but they are hell to sit in. Wife and I bought some custom-made* way back when and gave them away the next summer.
*it was a guy that worked out of his house and it was called something like “King’s Furniture”. When he opened the door I said, ‘you must be Mr. King’. His reply was, ‘oh no, the king refers to our God, who is in all things’. Jesus Christ…
Hard same. I always think about buying a couple for the front yard, right up until I sit in one and then struggle like Stephen Hawking in a sack race trying to get out of it.
Exactly. Wifey brought up the notion of buying two chairs again and I said, ‘who the hell is going to sit in them?’ The idea was that they would be on the far end of the deck and would ‘look cool’ to all the boaters that drive by and happen to take pics of our house. What? What? I crushed on that argument.
Teak Titanic (no shit, that’s what they call them) lounge chairs. Got a couple a few years ago and plan to grow very old avoiding work in them. They are heavy so only the fittest criminals will even be able to fold them up for theft.
Can’t you just get normal chairs and chain them down or glue them to the porch so the thieves feel like idiots when they try to pick them up?
Go to Marshalls, identify a defect, demand a discount.
‘Twas the story of my 3-piece balcony set, which also has served ably as office furniture.
Kyrgios is at least always entertaining.
Ha! He just called a linesman a snitch.
And now Sissypus is melting down. This is great theater!
Sissypus just launching murder balls all over the place now.
Best showman in the game.
Current timeline so depressing Joy Division is sounding as bouncy and optimistic as Herman’s Hermits.
And Jesse Lingard can get buttfucked sideways with an unripe pineapple. I hope the Hammers shred his fucking Achilles this season. “Now youse CAN’T play”.
Ronaldo wants to leave United because he’s worried about his legacy. What a bitch move. I hope United let him leave and then they sign Canada’s Johnathan David, or they go after Scamacca or Joao Felix
I just read on The Twitter about Jack Sock. The incredible thing about this is that I read it from– and I shit you not– Sports Anchor, Harold (Harry) Kuntz.
https://mobile.twitter.com/HaroldRKuntz3
This is the kind of thing that makes me believe in the Illuminati.
Is that one of the guys who was in Ted Lasso?
In light of the recent Pac-12 news, is like to introduce Ch 6 – Never Settle.
https://doorfliesopen.com/2020/04/08/tucson-ch-6-never-settle/
BTW, yesterday marks the 10-year anniversary of ABOR hiring Ann Weaver Hart. In case you’re wondering why corruption and self-dealing cannot be tolerated.
Just re-read it. You’re a fucking good writer. I wish you had time to write more.
Despite knowing nothing about them, I am sort of a Brentford fan. Mostly because of all the Robert Rankin books set there, but also a bit because bees are neat and pollinate stuff.
I have book 2 of the trilogy being delivered soon. This is after I finished book 7 then 1 of the trilogy in that order.
If I hadn’t already chosen Bournemouth I would be a Brentford supporter for sure.
Now I want a pint of Large.
Yes! It sounds like the most delightful of beers. It has been far too long since I sat around drinking Real Ale in a pub
An “Alehouse” sounds wonderful.
I need to learn French by February. Seems like it’ll come in useful though, I’m starting to think that France is basically a version of the US with more time off and better cheese/booze.
Well bonjour. If you need assistance let me know.
Mrs. Cola knows I would move to France in a second if her job transferred
I know what I need to know. “Chatuaeneuf-du-Pape, s’il vous plait”
Ça c’est parfait, où Côtes du Rhone si tu n’as pas de Chateauneuf.
Bien sur!
Good luck with the subjonctif. We have it in español, and it still was a beatch to learn
Even if you know in one, you don’t in the other!!!!
I learned it in Latin way back in high school, but I doubt it will help. I’m gonna go Rosetta Stone and learn to speak like a native, ie ungrammatically
Wave your arms around, yell a lot, and end your English words with “o”. It’s the American way!
I think that only works for Italian and Spanish. French you put ‘le’ in front of everything and pretend you have a stuffy nose while hitting people with a baguette
Ha, like most Americans realize there is a difference between any other language!
I’ll go with Sunderland for the lovely lunch lady
You’ve got some climbing to do yet.
Good luck. At least they moved up to champions league.
B1G, when WVU calls:
WVU:
WCS:
Good Christ, that will be NC State, waiting for y’all in the rump Big Twaaaalve to call.
Arsenal just tearing it up in the preseason.
https://twitter.com/Arsenal/status/1543248766140030978
He’s in midseason Rogueish Handsomeness
Closed door friendly > Public bathroom handy
So, Mighty Whitey has yet to sign anyone. Why do I feel like the yo yo will continue.
They’re going after Eric Baily when they should be trying to nab Sir Phil Jones.
Fireworks at midnight are not Decilitre or Litrepugs friends.
My dog was not happy earlier this morning
Cats also no likey. Then again, they really only like murder.
Got up around 11 this morning. Got blasted out of bed at 3 but a great thunderstorm. Lots of cool lightning and 1/2″+ of rain in about 20 minutes. Fell back to sleep around 4.
at 4:40 our asshole cat woke me up to be let out.
That’s what I miss about the East coast. Thunderstorms!
We may be getting severe ones this afternoon.
I cleaned up the yard moved the cars away from the trees, and have the storm windows dow, so they’ll probably miss us.
I’ll defer to Cecil on Arsenal. I root for Arsenal because Hippo made me pick a team, and at the time they were a good fit. But I don’t pay enough attention to them to do a decent job. I know that Xhaka has rocks for brains, that our manager is very handsome, and…well, that’s about it.
I manage Arsenal? This is news to me. No wonder we’re no longer a powerhouse.
RTD, pictured:
Meh,I’ve seen him looking handsomer. Do better, fake Rikki!
In Wimbledon news today, Jack Sock lost in a five-setter. Which makes sense, a Jack Sock is usually pretty awful after a long session.
Was probably feeling pretty stiff and crusty.
Banner!
Yeah let’s get that up there and in contention for the tourney
Meanwhile, in the offices of every passive athletic department (including NC State):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JdyBISJFBq8
The Big East, when Syracuse, Pitt, and BC come calling:
I can’t imagine any conference that would think that Syracuse football would be ‘a good fit’.
Everyone loves a cupcake.
Buddy, have you seen UConn “play” “football”?
About to take my daughter to Barnes & Noble and then Ulta. Think we will find a farmers market and make a morning of it.
Solid parenting! Books first, then makeup!
In honor of BFC I’m “supercharging” a Tesla right now.
Here’s a picture:
You are adding a 9 volt battery?
Hertz fucked up my rental last night and at the last second said “Do you want a Tesla?” I’ve been trying to figure out how to drive it since then. LESSON LEARNED: The last 5% of a charge takes longer than the other 95%
Don’t bother charging past 85 or 90 percent unless you really need it. All the cars have “charging curves” that taper.
It’s also allegedly going to thunderstorm today so I’m super bummed the GWS game isn’t until the wee hours and I’m still not drinking.
You can still have a glorious thunderstorm nap? Or do the shakes make that mas dificil?
No DT yet, so I can safely resume drinking by DFOcon east. But this stupid calf is impeding enjoying most non-awake lounging
It was legit torn, did they not give you SWEET DOPE for the pain?
Aleve. And imma rub some tussin on it.
Bournemouth! Provided health doesn’t intervene should be top 12.
I foresee a lot of goddamn draws.
As I mentioned on Slack, Draws are the essence of sportsball, and the perfect illustration of the futility of life’s great struggle.
FUCK YEAH, DE-MOTIVATIONAL SATURDAY!!!
On an unrelated but interesting note, it’s a shame Paraguay didn’t make it to the World Cup this time.
#BetterGuay indeed, chuh chuh
That is quite the pair a guays she’s sporting!
In “That Escalated Quickly” – apparently Notre Dame is already bailing on the Walking Dead ACC. They’ll finally go B1G, since the alternative is…going home.
Nice!
You can bank on the SEC adding Clemson and FSU within the week, if not the next two days. I will hope and pray that NC State and VPI join to make it 20, but we won’t.
I’m hearing Oregon goes Big 10 with Notre Dame
Same. They’ll stay on evens.
Thinking the rest of the PAC merges with the Mountain West. Maybe Stanford and Cal go independent. They’ll essentially be service academy FITBAW now.
Looks like we will stay in Series B after all. Apparently one of the Series C clubs eligible to move up cannot afford it. So we will play Cosenza here this season. I am about a hundred pages into Ultras where they mentioned a Vicenza – Cosenza game that involved some dismounted knuckle drill afterwards. If I am in town for it this year… I will report.
Oh, I am so excite FOAR this!!!
Very cool!
Fulham will stay up.
About time you Whites caught a break smgdh
I’m expecting to become a very disappointed Nottingham Forest fan this season.
I might actually switch allegiance to them, (glares in Kroenke), but they wear red and not green, and I simply cannot overlook that.
I will die on the hill of saying ROBINS HOOD
Relevant to the JV NFL musical chairs of this week. Obviously, I didn’t bat 1.000 with my predictions here, but the overall analysis was pretty decent (I think).
https://www.statefansnation.com/2011/08/dare-to-dream-making-the-pitch-for-nc-state-in-the-sec/#sthash.yJl9Q0up.dpbs
Not that I was ever GOOD – but y’all can see I used to be a much better writer than I am now.
1- That is pretty good. I think you gave the Pac 12 too much credit for being smart but it essentially played out the same except it was the Big 10.
2- Which commenter was TWBS? I’m betting it was Wulfpacker.
Wasn’t it “Wufpacker?” (sans “l”) But yes, that’s tWBS.
I first met Mark through SFN, and got him to start writing for the site. Too bad it all kind of unraveled at the end (which was 2016 or 2017?) But decent blogs have a shelf life, like most things.
The LA schools going to the B1G was a nice balls on the table move, and I did not anticipate it. Good for y’all.