It seems like forever since I did one of these. (I really should write more during the offseason but by the Super Bowl I feel burnt out-woe is me-and then after that it requires effort on my behalf, so that’s a no-go) The baby steps refer to getting back into the swing of things by exposing our eyeballs to football of any kind and Jax/L.V. is any kind of footed ball, that’s for sure.
To The Game!
Jags/Raiders:
-I’m not going to get into the details of this tilt, just paint with the broadest of brushes.
-Jax has got that ‘addition by subtraction’ kinda energy from what I’ve read about their training camp. Things being better organized is a huge step up for staff and players alike! But let’s be clear this franchise has wallowed in muddy waters for quite some time. Meyers’ over the top toxic, uninformed behavior was simply the latest setback for a franchise that can’t get both sets of tires back on the highway.
-A cursory look at their wr corps tells me that good times don’t lie ahead. Marvin Jones can’t get separation anymore, Christian Kirk got (over) paid (seriously, how would you feel if he was your team’s #1 wr?) and Zay Jones should be a bouncer because that’s what he does between teams. Will te Engram and his 4.4 speed finally be used as a seam-splitter? Would it matter?
-On the D side there’s no one aside from (the other) Josh Allen that I recognize which isn’t saying much about them or me. Jax simply needs more talent and as a Giants fan I feel qualified to make this assessment.
-I hope that Davante Adams looks forward to providing 75% (max!) of last year’s production to this offence.
-On the outside looking in, it appears the Raiders have soured on Josh Jacobs and would love to replace him with a cheap rookie deal but Zamir White can’t get on the field.
Welp, grasp thine chalices and partake of a beverage or two-you’ve more than earned it, having made it through the hell that was this offseason. Start typing!
It begins….
https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/08/04/alex-jones-sandy-hook-trial-jury/
Nowhere near enough. He was making hundreds of millions with Infowars.
.
Still waiting on punitive damages (and other families)
Yeah, I see that now. It’s behind a paywall, and hell will freeze over and the Bengals will win a Superbowl before I give that motherfucker a dime.
My favoUrite play; the preseason season ending injury!
Now with non-guaranteed contracts!
Fun Fact: Luton is also one of my least favorite London airports!
Chairs have arms, not good for sleeping over. It is also too far away from Luton proper to enjoy the great Bangladeshi restos.
“Luton” sounds like it should also be a brand of tea.
We’re getting ManningCast games again this year, right?
Throw all the money at them. It is funny and keeps Mrs. Cola interested on how they break stuff down as opposed to the slapdicks that are usually on.
I love how they cut to HI I’M MARK DAVIS! and he’s eating a chicken wing.
Is there no PF Changs in Dayton?
Not in Canton either
Jacobs is still in the game which means the Raiders must love him lots.
They want to collect the insurance money, maybe? That would be Peak McDaniels.
Mark Davis has wings! I could go for some wings.
Big deal. So does my maxi pad.
(unless it’s some other product that has wings in which case never mind and god bless)
Leave the TV feed on HI I’M MARK DAVIS eating wings in his Guilty Remnant costume.
I can see why Prison Girlfriend doesn’t look particularly concerned about any QB controversy.
STIDHAM
LUTON
TONITE ON NBC
I mean, what kind of LOSER would NOT be watching??
BIG MEAT PETE is trending on the Twitter
Turns out it’s a Mets fans’ nickname for Pete Alonso.
Good nickname to have imo
“It’s alright.”
— Nick F., IN
There are only so many names that rhyme with a word you want to have in a BIG ______ nickname.
BIG FAT MATT
BIG MOM TOM
BIG PILE KYLE
BIG STILTON MILTON
BIG BIRD-IN-HAND FERDINAND
Woohoo, Android emulator works! Just in time to watch the most exciting play in football, the field goal attempt!
Wow, I had completely forgotten about TV commercials. How did I put up with this shit when I was a kid back in the days before streaming?
I know you are being sarcastic but it really is the most exciting play in preseason football.
The kick-off touchback is giving you side-eye, Dok.
My Jaguras looking to be in mid-season form already.
Someone kicked the kicker?
First play, first bullshit BLEERGH
Melissa Stark is Back!
My shoulder fetish APPROVES
Damn you and your dainty yet quick fingers!
which is my exact fetish for a Commentist
“Any news about her shoulders?”
-Hippo
She’s a less shitty person than Tafoya. By default.
I felt bad for Michelle Tafoya, until I realized she’s a right-wing lunatic. Fuck that.
Bets on 1st NFL team to be stricken with a MonkeyPox outbreak?
The leading contenders are on your screen right now
What are Team MRSA’s odds looking like?
I can see Dreamboat’s personal “doctorb” saying monkeypox is actually good for anti-aging and helps with cognitive issues.
Jax will have a new strain MRSAPox.
Yeah, that’s Rikki’s Raiders!
Jags. Followed by the The Great Jag Rag Ban.
My produce buyer sent sliced cremini mushrooms instead of whole white mushrooms. I sent this clip to him. (shit happens)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sdQCPlAZjbY&ab_channel=GRev1998
At least this break will give me more time to download an Android emulator so I can try out watching NFL+ on my computer!
They really have run out of ideas for network television. I just saw an ad for a rebooted Quantum Leap.
Movies too. Even ones that were merely ok are being remade. I heard today they’re redoing Roadhouse with Jake Ghyll- Gilooly, whatever his fucking name is. Why? Who needed this?
This break needs more Bugs Bunny-
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoSVnc-7eTk&ab_channel=WBKids
Y U NO FOOTBALL?!? IT’S JUST GOD’S WRATH WAITING TO STRIKE YOU DOWN!
I found DFO Public Enemy #1!
https://mobile.twitter.com/i/web/status/1555346357304455168
Hippo and I bet on 3rd div Costa Rica futbol… that guy is an ass.
Commitment means COMMITMENT
Can you pay court order legal fines for 4 million dollars in Food Buckets? Asking for a friend,
To help kill time, here’s a hot dog eating competition featuring a bear.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HgqbCq_sxmo
I was expecting more Buddy Cole?
It’s like you need me to make a Rodgers joke here
I didn’t know I needed that in my life. But I did. Thank you.
The bear looked over when he was almost done, and I could tell he was thinking
” You know, I could go for a little Japanese.”
I see God is signaling His opinion about the current state of the NFL.
Jebus weeps. Just cut Princeton’s mic and spare us!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Ip4GLQl9ic&ab
Dark clouds hovering over an NFL game, preventing its beginning, prove that irony is not dead just yet.
THIS GAME I CALL IT AN APPLICATION FOR A RESTRAINING ORDER FILED BY DEAN SPANOS’ ATTORNEYS BECAUSE THE THREAT OF LIGHTNING IS INVOLVED.
/femur drums begin rolling in the distance
RTD needs to be tested for commenting PEDs, he’s in too good a shape for pre-season.
Prison Girlfriend getting some screen time.
I didn’t know Oz was back on the air.
Oz – The Next Generation! They can tackle the “they/them” issue in between rapes.
The Weather Gods have spoken.
That NBC intern’s hard work in “find the HoF entrant with a semi-functional brain” has paid off!
How can you call it the Hall of Fame game if there aren’t any Steelers getting inducted?
HARF HARF. WILL THERE BE CHOCO TACOS WHEN THE BEN GETS INVITED INTO THE STALL OF FAME?
“I had a previous engagement. Fryer oil doesn’t change itself, sister.”
-Bubby Brister
“Bubby Brister” really does sound like the name of a guy whose job it is to change fryer oil.
Kent Graham looks at his “TRAINEE” badge and sulks away.
Oh please. They don’t let Bubby anywhere near the hot oil!
“Ha ha ha! You have finally sunk to our level! The transference is complete!” – Bengals fans (except me and you but don’t tell the others)
Time to get it on folks. There may be a football-like substance in the offing.
Skeletor looks so teeny next to Maria Taylor.
She could unhinge her jaw and swallow him.
I’m betting she has trouble choking down the ears.
I’d heard that NBC was working on a Next Gen female football host and I refused to believe it. Well, here we are. Rumour has it that the next one in development fights Mothra during halftime of the London game.
A weather delay? BLEERGH MUST BE FED! Flags for the flag god!
Did they melt the field again and are blaming it on the heat?
That was peak Ohio, wasn’t it?
I like the zombie apocalypse sky in Ohio. Is Satan here for JD Vance? That would be kewl.
How dare you slander Satan’s name?!
I mean, is very possible I will half-ass the commenting and play Footy Manager and/or write Saturday’s drivel. Because Hippo gon’ Hippo.
Best be gettin’ dem Hippo Thoughts going. KING HIPPO IS ON THE CLOCK!
At least his balls dropped?
All of the things?
So… what does everyone think about the Ny Mets this football season?
/Heh, that should fool them for another year
/Football in America conference room
Old White Guy #1: “I tell you, Jason Garrett is the best candidate. I mean, yes, the game has passed him by but he’s the perfect guy to talk about each game!”
Old White Guy #2: “The game has passed him by?”
Old White Guy #1: “Did you see the Giants offense the last two years?”
Old White Guy #2: [snorts derisively] “I haven’t watched an NFL game in four years!”
Old White Guy #1: [singsong voice] “He went to Princeton…”
Old White Guy #2: “Ask his agent what he wants and double it!”
HEY! WE NEED TO GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Woke up from my semi-nap/fugue state, Peter King was on my teevee.
I am SO ready for sum FITBAW that I left the goddamned thing on. LET’S GO 4th STRING JAGURAS!!
Angels update because you asked (maybe)
Good: The Angels have hit six home runs today (2 by Ohtani)!
Bad: The Angels are losing 8-6.
This is why I drink (other than my functional alcoholism).
Update: 7 home runs now, losing 8-7
Backup TE Drew Sample may be dead but at least Joe Burrow is staying in shape,
https://mobile.twitter.com/CincyProblems/status/1555312816336297987?cxt=HHwWhoCzxYOxypUrAAAA
If those are wind sprints, then call me Miles Davis
So, we’re going to Europe for vacay. I have $500 Canadian from that trip to Calgary where we did NOT end up at a titty bar or casino. I have no plans to go back to Canadia any time soon. Dumb idea to convert that to EUR rather than eat the fees on USD even though the dollar is stronger now?
Actually, probably a smart move as the Euro will rise against the dollar. That is, of course, if you’re keeping it. If your plan is to spend it, you’re better off exchanging USD for Euro.
I TOLD you I needed that report on the Ethiopian Dinar by 5pm, dammit!!!
Ethiopian dinner? There’s going to be a real famine of data to base that report on
I can only imagine fair weather DFOers signing in and wondering what the hell happened to us in the off-season?!
Planning to have it in case I spend it in Europe, not as an investment strategy.
I was thinking this is CAD I ain’t gonna use rather than USD I will use.
Well, at that point, you’re spending conversion fees anyway, so you might as well convert the CAD to Euro.
I guess we’re saving the hobo-killin’ for Week 1?
TFW….
Hi, I’m Crimsontunic, Redshirt’s backup! He doesn’t want to comment in Preseason Week 1, so I’ll be taking the snaps.
“GO AWAY!” – Derek Carr, when asked if he’d be participating in tonight’s game
Hooray football-like product!
It works for me!
Yeah, like Kraft singles is a cheese like product, overhyped, only enjoyed by people with no taste, with no real substance, and completely unrelated to the real thing.
But I will still watch, in shame and guilt.
I thought Kraft singles were what stuck to a different cream-like product after certain illicit activities