Your “Let’s Take a Few Baby Steps” Thursday Night NFL Exhibition Football Open Thread

It seems like forever since I did one of these. (I really should write more during the offseason but by the Super Bowl I feel burnt out-woe is me-and then after that it requires effort on my behalf, so that’s a no-go) The baby steps refer to getting back into the swing of things by exposing our eyeballs to football of any kind and Jax/L.V. is any kind of footed ball, that’s for sure.

To The Game!

Jags/Raiders:

-I’m not going to get into the details of this tilt, just paint with the broadest of brushes.

-Jax has got that ‘addition by subtraction’ kinda energy from what I’ve read about their training camp. Things being better organized is a huge step up for staff and players alike! But let’s be clear this franchise has wallowed in muddy waters for quite some time. Meyers’ over the top toxic, uninformed behavior was simply the latest setback for a franchise that can’t get both sets of tires back on the highway.

-A cursory look at their wr corps tells me that good times don’t lie ahead. Marvin Jones can’t get separation anymore, Christian Kirk got (over) paid (seriously, how would you feel if he was your team’s #1 wr?) and Zay Jones should be a bouncer because that’s what he does between teams. Will te Engram and his 4.4 speed finally be used as a seam-splitter? Would it matter?

-On the D side there’s no one aside from (the other) Josh Allen that I recognize which isn’t saying much about them or me. Jax simply needs more talent and as a Giants fan I feel qualified to make this assessment.

-I hope that Davante Adams looks forward to providing 75% (max!) of last year’s production to this offence.

-On the outside looking in, it appears the Raiders have soured on Josh Jacobs and would love to replace him with a cheap rookie deal but Zamir White can’t get on the field.

Welp, grasp thine chalices and partake of a beverage or two-you’ve more than earned it, having made it through the hell that was this offseason. Start typing!

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Gumbygirl

Nowhere near enough. He was making hundreds of millions with Infowars.
.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Still waiting on punitive damages (and other families)

Gumbygirl

Yeah, I see that now. It’s behind a paywall, and hell will freeze over and the Bengals will win a Superbowl before I give that motherfucker a dime.

Mr. Ayo

My favoUrite play; the preseason season ending injury!

Spur

Now with non-guaranteed contracts!

Doktor Zymm

Fun Fact: Luton is also one of my least favorite London airports!

litre_cola

Chairs have arms, not good for sleeping over. It is also too far away from Luton proper to enjoy the great Bangladeshi restos.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Luton” sounds like it should also be a brand of tea.

LemonJello

We’re getting ManningCast games again this year, right?

litre_cola

Throw all the money at them. It is funny and keeps Mrs. Cola interested on how they break stuff down as opposed to the slapdicks that are usually on.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I love how they cut to HI I’M MARK DAVIS! and he’s eating a chicken wing.

LemonJello

Is there no PF Changs in Dayton?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Not in Canton either

SonOfSpam

Jacobs is still in the game which means the Raiders must love him lots.

King Hippo

They want to collect the insurance money, maybe? That would be Peak McDaniels.

Gumbygirl

Mark Davis has wings! I could go for some wings.

SonOfSpam

Big deal. So does my maxi pad.

(unless it’s some other product that has wings in which case never mind and god bless)

King Hippo

Leave the TV feed on HI I’M MARK DAVIS eating wings in his Guilty Remnant costume.

King Hippo

I can see why Prison Girlfriend doesn’t look particularly concerned about any QB controversy.

SonOfSpam

STIDHAM
LUTON

TONITE ON NBC

King Hippo

I mean, what kind of LOSER would NOT be watching??

SonOfSpam

BIG MEAT PETE is trending on the Twitter

Turns out it’s a Mets fans’ nickname for Pete Alonso.

Good nickname to have imo

WCS

“It’s alright.”

— Nick F., IN

Doktor Zymm

There are only so many names that rhyme with a word you want to have in a BIG ______ nickname.
BIG FAT MATT
BIG MOM TOM
BIG PILE KYLE

SonOfSpam

BIG STILTON MILTON
BIG BIRD-IN-HAND FERDINAND

Doktor Zymm

Woohoo, Android emulator works! Just in time to watch the most exciting play in football, the field goal attempt!

Doktor Zymm

Wow, I had completely forgotten about TV commercials. How did I put up with this shit when I was a kid back in the days before streaming?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I know you are being sarcastic but it really is the most exciting play in preseason football.

LemonJello

The kick-off touchback is giving you side-eye, Dok.

LemonJello

My Jaguras looking to be in mid-season form already.

King Hippo

First play, first bullshit BLEERGH

Spur

Melissa Stark is Back!

King Hippo

My shoulder fetish APPROVES

SonOfSpam

which is my exact fetish for a Commentist

SonOfSpam

She’s a less shitty person than Tafoya. By default.

Gumbygirl

I felt bad for Michelle Tafoya, until I realized she’s a right-wing lunatic. Fuck that.

Spur

Bets on 1st NFL team to be stricken with a MonkeyPox outbreak?

ballsofsteelandfury

The leading contenders are on your screen right now

LemonJello

What are Team MRSA’s odds looking like?

WCS

I can see Dreamboat’s personal “doctorb” saying monkeypox is actually good for anti-aging and helps with cognitive issues.

SonOfSpam

Jax will have a new strain MRSAPox.

Gumbygirl

Yeah, that’s Rikki’s Raiders!

Mr. Ayo

Jags. Followed by the The Great Jag Rag Ban.

LemonJello

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Doktor Zymm

At least this break will give me more time to download an Android emulator so I can try out watching NFL+ on my computer!

LemonJello

They really have run out of ideas for network television. I just saw an ad for a rebooted Quantum Leap.

Gumbygirl

Movies too. Even ones that were merely ok are being remade. I heard today they’re redoing Roadhouse with Jake Ghyll- Gilooly, whatever his fucking name is. Why? Who needed this?

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Y U NO FOOTBALL?!? IT’S JUST GOD’S WRATH WAITING TO STRIKE YOU DOWN!

Redshirt
litre_cola

Hippo and I bet on 3rd div Costa Rica futbol… that guy is an ass.

WCS

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King Hippo

Commitment means COMMITMENT

Spur

Can you pay court order legal fines for 4 million dollars in Food Buckets? Asking for a friend,

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

To help kill time, here’s a hot dog eating competition featuring a bear.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HgqbCq_sxmo

King Hippo

I was expecting more Buddy Cole?

Spur

It’s like you need me to make a Rodgers joke here

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

I didn’t know I needed that in my life. But I did. Thank you.

Gumbygirl

The bear looked over when he was almost done, and I could tell he was thinking
” You know, I could go for a little Japanese.”

Last edited 2 years ago by Gumbygirl
Redshirt

I see God is signaling His opinion about the current state of the NFL.

LemonJello

Jebus weeps. Just cut Princeton’s mic and spare us!

Spur
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THIS GAME I CALL IT AN APPLICATION FOR A RESTRAINING ORDER FILED BY DEAN SPANOS’ ATTORNEYS BECAUSE THE THREAT OF LIGHTNING IS INVOLVED.

WCS

/femur drums begin rolling in the distance

LemonJello

RTD needs to be tested for commenting PEDs, he’s in too good a shape for pre-season.

LemonJello

Prison Girlfriend getting some screen time.

WCS

I didn’t know Oz was back on the air.

King Hippo

Oz – The Next Generation! They can tackle the “they/them” issue in between rapes.

WCS

The Weather Gods have spoken.

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King Hippo

That NBC intern’s hard work in “find the HoF entrant with a semi-functional brain” has paid off!

Gumbygirl

How can you call it the Hall of Fame game if there aren’t any Steelers getting inducted?

LemonJello

HARF HARF. WILL THERE BE CHOCO TACOS WHEN THE BEN GETS INVITED INTO THE STALL OF FAME?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Bubby Brister” really does sound like the name of a guy whose job it is to change fryer oil.

WCS

Kent Graham looks at his “TRAINEE” badge and sulks away.

Gumbygirl

Oh please. They don’t let Bubby anywhere near the hot oil!

Redshirt

“Ha ha ha! You have finally sunk to our level! The transference is complete!” – Bengals fans (except me and you but don’t tell the others)

Col. Duke LaCross

Time to get it on folks. There may be a football-like substance in the offing.

King Hippo

Skeletor looks so teeny next to Maria Taylor.

Gumbygirl

She could unhinge her jaw and swallow him.

LemonJello

A weather delay? BLEERGH MUST BE FED! Flags for the flag god!

ArmedandHammered

Did they melt the field again and are blaming it on the heat?

Gumbygirl

That was peak Ohio, wasn’t it?

King Hippo

I like the zombie apocalypse sky in Ohio. Is Satan here for JD Vance? That would be kewl.

Redshirt

How dare you slander Satan’s name?!

King Hippo

I mean, is very possible I will half-ass the commenting and play Footy Manager and/or write Saturday’s drivel. Because Hippo gon’ Hippo.

LemonJello

Best be gettin’ dem Hippo Thoughts going. KING HIPPO IS ON THE CLOCK!

Brick Meathook

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SonOfSpam

At least his balls dropped?

herodotus450

So… what does everyone think about the Ny Mets this football season?
/Heh, that should fool them for another year

LemonJello

HEY! WE NEED TO GET OUR SHIT TOGETHER! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

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Last edited 2 years ago by LemonJello
King Hippo

Woke up from my semi-nap/fugue state, Peter King was on my teevee.

I am SO ready for sum FITBAW that I left the goddamned thing on. LET’S GO 4th STRING JAGURAS!!

SonOfSpam

Angels update because you asked (maybe)

Good: The Angels have hit six home runs today (2 by Ohtani)!

Bad: The Angels are losing 8-6.

This is why I drink (other than my functional alcoholism).

SonOfSpam

Update: 7 home runs now, losing 8-7

Redshirt

Backup TE Drew Sample may be dead but at least Joe Burrow is staying in shape,

https://mobile.twitter.com/CincyProblems/status/1555312816336297987?cxt=HHwWhoCzxYOxypUrAAAA

herodotus450

If those are wind sprints, then call me Miles Davis

BrettFavresColonoscopy

So, we’re going to Europe for vacay. I have $500 Canadian from that trip to Calgary where we did NOT end up at a titty bar or casino. I have no plans to go back to Canadia any time soon. Dumb idea to convert that to EUR rather than eat the fees on USD even though the dollar is stronger now?

ballsofsteelandfury

Actually, probably a smart move as the Euro will rise against the dollar. That is, of course, if you’re keeping it. If your plan is to spend it, you’re better off exchanging USD for Euro.

Last edited 2 years ago by ballsofsteelandfury
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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herodotus450

I TOLD you I needed that report on the Ethiopian Dinar by 5pm, dammit!!!

ArmedandHammered

Ethiopian dinner? There’s going to be a real famine of data to base that report on

Redshirt

I can only imagine fair weather DFOers signing in and wondering what the hell happened to us in the off-season?!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Planning to have it in case I spend it in Europe, not as an investment strategy.

I was thinking this is CAD I ain’t gonna use rather than USD I will use.

ballsofsteelandfury

Well, at that point, you’re spending conversion fees anyway, so you might as well convert the CAD to Euro.

ballsofsteelandfury

I guess we’re saving the hobo-killin’ for Week 1?

BeefReeferLives

TFW….

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Redshirt

Hi, I’m Crimsontunic, Redshirt’s backup! He doesn’t want to comment in Preseason Week 1, so I’ll be taking the snaps.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“GO AWAY!” – Derek Carr, when asked if he’d be participating in tonight’s game

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hooray football-like product!

Gumbygirl

It works for me!

ArmedandHammered

Yeah, like Kraft singles is a cheese like product, overhyped, only enjoyed by people with no taste, with no real substance, and completely unrelated to the real thing.

ArmedandHammered

But I will still watch, in shame and guilt.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I thought Kraft singles were what stuck to a different cream-like product after certain illicit activities